I just gotta tell you.

Never in a million years did I imagine I'd be on a date with

the theater critic with the New York Times.

-David, this is our third date.

At some point, you don't have to keep making reference to

the fact that I'm a theater critic for the New York Times.

-I'm so sorry.

I--

I don't even get to the third date that

often, and I get nervous.

I mean, especially with a theater critic with the New

York Times.

Do you want to come in?

-Yeah.

I mean, otherwise, you'd have to drive me home.

-OK, it's just down here.

(NERVOUSLY) Walking is just a funny thing to do, right?

This is my hallway.

It's not my hallway.

It's the building's hallway.

-David, relax.

You don't have to keep trying so hard to impress me.

You know?

I'm impressed.

-Oh, yeah?

Well, then, what are you gonna do about it?

-I don't know.

What do you want me to do about it?

You don't know?

-Maybe we just have to, like, think of something to do.

-Yeah, we should try to put our heads together and think

of something--

-Maybe something will--

-To do.

-Come up.

-Finally!

Guru chicken.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were the dude delivering the chicken.

Chez.

This is my neighbor.

This is Kelly.

-Hey.

-Hey, since when do hot girls named Kelly deliver chicken?

-I'm with David.

-Oh, ho, ho.

OK, way to go, Wain-o.

Well, hey, I'm gonna have to apologize to Ed McMahon for

this one, but here's Johnny.

-OK.

That was to say that, uh, I get a boner when I look at

Kelly.

-Hey, close the deal, Wain-o.

-Who was that cheeseball?

He looks familiar to me.

-That's Chez Retner.

He was on that show Night Guard.

-Ew, he was one of the worst actors I've ever seen.

-Yeah.

I wouldn't be caught dead having sex with someone like

Chez.

-That's good to know.

-Hey, do you have any photo albums?

I want to see what you looked like in high school.

You know, before you put on all the weight.

-Uh, yeah.

I mean, I do, but it would take me a few

minutes to find them.

-I'm not going anywhere.

-Well, OK, then.

Photo album.

Where's the photo album?

Where's the photo album?

There it is.

Oh.

Good.

Mmm.

-I have the photo album, K--

Kelly?

KELLY (OFFSCREEN): [MOANING AND SIGHING WITH PLEASURE]

CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

KELLY (OFFSCREEN): Oh, god, Chez.

CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Mmm.

KELLY (OFFSCREEN): Chez!

Oh, OK.

Now you've done it the normal way.

Now let's switch it around and do me in an atypical way.

Ohhh!

Oh, I'm the theater critic for the New York Times!

-(PANTING) Oh, David.

Oh, god, you're never going to guess what happened.

Uh, I wandered over to Chez's place to borrow a cigarette,

and totally ended up hooking up with him.

How funny is that?

-[UNENTHUSIASTIC LAUGH]

-Whew!

He's not my normal type, but I was curious, you know?

I've always wanted to bag a famous guy.

DAVID (OFFSCREEN): Ah, yeah.

-Anyway, let's look at those photos of

you from high school.

But, uh, just two seconds, actually, 'cause I wanted to

find an ice pack.

'Cause I'm, like, really sore.

CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Oh, finally!

Guru chicken.

I'm starving.

I just had sex.

-It's no wonder no one wants to have sex with me.

I gotta just get my life together.

I mean, yeah.

I have a really terrific car.

I mean, that's the one thing, an amazing new car.

A Fiat.

[KNOCK ON GLASS]

-Aaaahhh!

-Hey, brother, I hope you're cool with how I porked your

girl last night.

I would've left it alone, but I was really needing it.

I mean, I had a full round in me and she wanted

it so bad, you know?

I mean, with all apologies to Pink, Mya, Lil' Kim, and

Christina Aguilera, voulez-vous coucher avec moi

ce soir?

-You know what, Chez?

It's fine.

-No.

I'm going to make it right between the

two of us, all right?

I'm buying you brunch.

I'm buying you brunch.

-No.

No.

-I'm taking you out to brunch.

-I can't.

I--

I'm gonna hang myself today.

-No, no.

No.

I am not gonna take no for an answer.

-Hey, dude, come on.

-And we better hurry, because pretty

soon it won't be brunch.

It'll just be lunch.

-Ahh.

OK, that, that--