B1 Intermediate 2 Folder Collection
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-Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hello.
I have a lot of shapes and not a lot of time,
so let's just get started.
The first shape that I want --
need to show you is a rectangle
having a really bad day.
The, uh, the second shape that I have to show you...
uh, is a sphere, who you may recognize
for her current role
as a Ferrero Rocher chocolate.
And, originally, we had casted
a different Ferrero Rocher for this part.
But then I was backstage, and I was like, "Places, places."
And I was like, "Hold on. Where's your little skirt?"
[ Laughter ]
And the Ferrero Rocher was like, "No, I can do it."
I was like, "Um, honey, I know you can do it,
but if you're not in costume, I don't know what to tell you."
And then this one was like, "I can do it."
This next shape that I must show you --
This is Jessica.
Jessica works in PR.
Jessica begins and ends every single e-mail with "A-S-A-P."
This next shape, this is me
coming in late for a meeting
and immediately chiming in.
[ Laughter ]
Uh, this next shape is actually a --
a garment that I've been meaning to design.
How about...
a cape for a queen that is so, so long
that she doesn't know
that there's another queen at the end of it?
[ Laughter ]
But the cape has to be so long
that both queens can live their lives,
just every now and then feeling a gentle tug.
I will now abruptly do an impression at you.
[ Clears throat ]
Okay, I'm sorry if you don't like what I do,
and I'm sorry if you don't like what I stand for you,
but I actually keep the economy going.
And I'm sorry, but we live in a nation of laws,
and rules are rules, and I'm sorry if you can't
handle that, but we live in a nation of laws.
That is...
that nasty little curtain
that divides first class from coach.
[ Laughter ]
To be a curtain and pick that as your curtain job
is like, "Who hurt you?"
I, uh...
I was recently on this -- on this airplane.
It was a very small airplane that had been remodeled
so as to accommodate a first class.
And I was sitting on the first row of coach,
and my seat didn't have a first-class seat
directly in front of it.
It just looked into the hallway.
So then when the flight attendant came over
and drew the curtain dividing the people,
the curtain fell right in front of my face.
Like, I was a secret for first class.
Then I crossed my legs,
and my knee gently caressed the curtain,
causing it to fall.
So then the flight attendant came over
and just, like, immediately reattached it.
And I said, "Can you not do that?
'Cause I'm just going to move slightly,
and the curtain's gonna fall all over again."
And she says "No, we have to."
I'm like, "Okay.
But, once again, I'm just gonna make the slightest movement,
and the curtain's gonna fall all over again.
Can you just not put it up?"
And she goes, "No, we have to."
And then I asked...
And in her eyes, I saw meteors falling,
flowers blooming, and animals decomposing.
And suddenly, she was free.
I had released her.
[ Applause ]
You know, doing what I do, which is this...
uh, I have often been described as too niche.
To which I'll say, I have no idea
what you could possibly be talking about.
So, I bought little chairs for all of my crystals.
Little chairs and little desks.
Because I don't know if crystals work,
but I just need them to be prepared just in case.
Um, well, unless there are any questions,
uh, I think we're done here.
Um, thank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
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Julio Torres Stand-Up: My Favorite Shapes

2 Folder Collection
林宜悉 published on July 3, 2020
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