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-Thank you, thank you. Man, just thank you.
I'm happy to be here and not at home watching "This Is Us."
Uh, I just -- I just don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to cry anymore.
It's just a TV show. You get me? Yeah, it's just a TV show.
Plus I'm happy. I'm in New York City!
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ] Yeah!
The greatest city in the world!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Is it? Is it? Is it?
[ Laughs ] Is it? Yeah. Okay.
Here's my Yelp review on New York City.
Great pizza, good people, no personal space.
You get me?
Like, I left my hotel
and got touched on all four sides of my body.
All right? That's not safe, according to Discovery Channel.
No, it's not.
If you're in a place
and you get touched on all four sides of your body,
the only way to get out of there is by shimmying.
You got to shimmy through the crowd, right?
Till you find a wall. You put your back on that wall.
And then you ride that wall out.
It's survival.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I just taught you something.
You just learned something -- how to survive.
That's who I am now. That's who I am.
I'm a Yelper. You get me?
Yes, I'm a snitch. I'm an Internet snitch.
I'm a snitch. I don't care.
You're incognito. No one knows it's you.
I got a picture of a white lady on my profile.
They don't know it's me.
[ Laughter and applause ]
They don't know it's me. It doesn't stop --
It doesn't -- So, like the food better be hot or...
You're getting a whole paragraph out of me.
It doesn't stop with Yelp or restaurants.
Social media. Mnh-mnh. I don't like what you post?
Click. I'll report you. I don't care.
I don't care. What? You start preaching some hateful stuff?
I don't like that. Click. Reported. You know?
You start using way too many emojis?
I don't know what that means. Click. Reported.
My fav-- Oh, my -- Oh! My favorite one.
"Felt cute. Might delete later."
Oh, you're showing off. Click. Reported.
Yeah. Ta--
Yeah, take a month off, Susan. Take a month off.
[ Laughter ]
My wife -- My wife says that I'm -- that I'm petty.
And I am petty. I'm petty. I'm petty.
But I'm petty for all of us. You get me? Yeah.
I'm petty for all of us. I'll give you an example.
Me and my wife were at the mall, you know, walking around,
holding hands, pretending to be happy, right?
And we're happy.
And we're happy. And we're happy.
She sees a store window. And she goes, "Oh, my God!
Look at those jeans in that store!"
And then I go, "No, no, let's keep it moving.
That's not -- That store's not for me.
That's not my demographic. You get me?"
Yeah, I don't shop at stores
where the mannequins have attitudes.
You get me?
Like, if I go by your store
and the mannequin's standing like that?
No, that's not for me. That's not for me.
Right?
[ Cheers and applause ]
No. Not gonna do it.
"But those jeans would look great on you!"
And I go, "No, they won't. No, they won't.
They have holes in the knees.
I don't like showing off my knees."
I've already been poor once.
I don't need to keep on pretending.
[ Laughter ] "Go and try them on."
And then I said, "You know what? I'll listen to you now
so I don't have to listen to you later."
And I went inside, right? I find a salesperson.
I go, "Excuse me. Do you have those jeans in my size?"
She tells me, "Oh, no. We don't have THAT size."
It bothered me a little bit
because of the tone and the volume, you get me?
I felt like the whole store turned around and looked at me
like, "Who's the Fatty McFat that can't fit into our jeans?"
Right?
But I played it off. And I say, "Okay, I get it.
You ran out of my size. Thank you for your help."
She jumps right in front of me and goes,
"Oh, no, you don't get it. We NEVER have that size."
Whoo! That sound shot out of me 'cause it hurt me.
It -- There was pain, right?
Next thing I know, the old man that lives inside my soul
came out in the middle of the store.
"Ah! This is an outrage!" And I said that.
I wiggled my finger. I wiggled my finger.
Everybody really looks at me, right?
So I doubled down and I said, "I'm writing an e-mail!"
And I stormed off. I could have wrote --
I could have wrote the e-mail on my phone,
but I drove to a public library
'cause. you know, I needed the whole computer.
I needed the whole big monitor with the keyboard.
Like, you're gonna feel each letter in this angry e-mail.
My wife called me -- "Are you coming back for me?"
"Ha ha! You better Uber!"
Two weeks later -- Two weeks later, what happens?
I get a reply. Bing!
A coupon for a free pair of jeans. You get me?
Yeah. I still can't wear them. But a win is a win.
A win is a win. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you so much. I'm Orlando Leyba.
♪♪
-Oh, my gosh! You did it again!
♪♪
You did it again.
Come on. Orlando Leyba!
[ Cheers and applause ]
For more, follow him -- @heylando.
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Orlando Leyba Stand-Up

5 Folder Collection
林宜悉 published on July 3, 2020
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