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  • Hi there.

  • Welcome to The Ellen DeGeneres Show

  • where Andy and I are still playing the world's longest

  • game of keep away.

  • Hi Andy.

  • Hi there.

  • Hi, dear.

  • Hi, dear.

  • Today is Memorial Day, Happy Memorial Day to everyone.

  • It's a national holiday that means that we

  • get to have a long weekend.

  • This year it's going to be about 30 to 60 days.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Memorial Day is the unofficial start of summer,

  • so it's time to get out your bikinis

  • and then put them over your face because that's the law now.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Since summer is here, you're finally allowed to wear white.

  • Although if you've been eating Cheetos like I have,

  • you probably shouldn't.

  • It is a tough time right now.

  • Being in quarantine is making everyone go a little crazy.

  • I don't need to tell you that, you can probably

  • tell by the mop with a face on it standing behind me

  • and the man in my garden.

  • But I want to help keep us all sane,

  • or somewhat sane, so I'm looking for happy and uplifting stories

  • to share with you.

  • As someone once said, sometimes the best stories

  • are right in front of you.

  • I don't know who said that.

  • Maybe they were smart, maybe they were lazy.

  • I don't know.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Anyway, it turns out that recently some people who

  • work on this show had babies, and that

  • is definitely good news.

  • It's amazing news, so to all the new moms, congratulations,

  • you've done something that I can't imagine--

  • going through quarantine without alcohol.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • I'm sure none of these people had any idea

  • that they'd be having their babies in quarantine

  • nine months ago.

  • When was nine months ago?

  • Andy, when was nine months ago?

  • That's--

  • Yeah, it was a while ago.

  • Backwards.

  • Yeah.

  • July?

  • Yeah, let's call it July now.

  • OK.

  • It's sometime in the summer.

  • Thank you.

  • So those of you on my staff who had babies, I want to say,

  • I know what you did last summer.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • The dirty stuff.

  • These are the jokes.

  • Yeah, they're good jokes.

  • It was a long way to go for a joke, really,

  • and I'm not sure it was a joke, but it was humor.

  • Yeah, you know what they were doing, they were doing the--

  • Yeah, and that was-- it was a movie,

  • so what I did is I took the movie title--

  • Yes.

  • And I inserted it--

  • Yes.

  • After in an explanation of--

  • It implied--

  • When they had a baby.

  • Yes, intercourse.

  • Oh, OK.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • You know, traditionally on the show,

  • I celebrate new babies by rating them on a scale of one to 10,

  • and that's what I am going to do right now.

  • It is time for our segment Ellen, Rate My Baby.

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

  • Boop.

  • This is not a competition.

  • There are no losers, but there will be a winner.

  • All right first our E-commerce Manager Paxton

  • and his partner Lindsay had a baby girl named Bo.

  • I shall now rate their baby.

  • Well, she looks a little confused,

  • which is a very appropriate expression right now, so that's

  • plus 8 points.

  • She doesn't have any products from the Ellen Shop near her.

  • Apparently our E-commerce Manager

  • can't get his hands on his own products

  • that he manages to sell, so minus 2 points.

  • But maybe Paxton is so good at selling the Ellen Shop

  • products that there weren't any left for his own baby.

  • Exactly.

  • That's commitment right there, so plus 20 points.

  • It's a total of 26 out of 10 points.

  • That's a good score.

  • Our Executive Producer Derek became a grandfather.

  • Yep.

  • How is that possible?

  • You've been telling everybody you're 38 years old.

  • I know.

  • He does look amazing.

  • He really does.

  • Handsome.

  • Handsome and young.

  • Derek's daughter Lindsay had a baby boy named Havey.

  • I've seen a picture, and it was a gorgeous little baby.

  • Look at that.

  • I shall rate Derek's grandbaby.

  • Yeah.

  • I see Derek's face in Harvey.

  • Derek had that same look when we told him

  • he had to figure out a way to shoot this show from my house

  • using Zoom.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • That was his expression right there.

  • You want to what?

  • Hamana, hamana, hamana.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Family resemblance is plus 6 points.

  • I'm mad that I can't pinch his little fat rolls while we're

  • in quarantine, so that's minus 2 points.

  • It's an automatic one point for each roll, that's 22 points,

  • it's a total of 26 out of 10 points.

  • That seems like a tie so far.

  • Ding.

  • Ding.

  • Just go--

  • [AIR HORN]

  • I'm just trying to find a ding.

  • Yeah, horn.

  • Our Associate Producer Taylor did not have a baby,

  • but she did adopt a new dog from Wagmore a few weeks ago.

  • This is her one-year-old.

  • This is Gambler.

  • I shall now rate Gambler.

  • Look at those eyes, that's plus 500 points.

  • Those ears, plus 500 points.

  • Those little black nails, they're fancy, 1,000 points.

  • That is a total of 2000 points out of 10 points.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Gambler is the winner.

  • So Gambler beats the staff babies.

  • Meow.

  • If you have a baby you want me to rate,

  • post a photo on Instagram with the hashtag #EllenRateMyBaby.

  • If you don't have the baby and you want me to rate it,

  • make one, and I'll get to it in January.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • January.

  • Right now, I'm going to say hi to someone who knows a--

  • he knows a thing or two about babies, doesn't he?

  • Oh yeah.

  • tWitch knows a thing about all kinds of things.

  • Yeah, that's one fertile DJ.

  • All kinds of things.

  • Yeah.

  • What's up, Ellen?

  • Hi.

  • Hi, tWitch.

  • What's new with your children?

  • Oh, man.

  • Well, in developmental situations,

  • Zaia is now using this walker thing,

  • so she's mobile now, so the chase

  • has gotten even more real.

  • It's so crazy, because it's like in an instant

  • she goes from being this little cute blob that can't really

  • move at all to now knowing her way around the house

  • and just wanting to be in everything,

  • which is both inspiring and very stressful at the same time.

  • Wow.

  • Well, the last time we spoke, you were handing her

  • back and forth because you said she'd

  • like to move around a lot, so Allison and you