Name: The GARBAGE Billy Ray Cyrus Comic | The Desk of DEATH BATTLE
Uploaded: 2020-07-02T10:02:10.000Z
Duration: 8 min 53 s
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the nineties, the wild West of fashion, when people rocked frosted tips, neon colored windbreakers and sported mullets with pride.

Adverbs of degree

But it wasn't just wild fashion and bad haircuts.

The most infamous of these trash books might come from Marvel music, mostly full of biographies of artists like Bob Marley and the Rolling Stones, but also Billy Ray Cyrus, who just couldn't be limited to a biography unknown now.

I clearly do all the research nobody else wants to a straight from the desk of Battle.

Billy Ray Cyrus, Ole Key Breaking Himself has a comic published by Marvel of all people.

Now you might be wondering what the hell would even go into a has been country singers comic book?

Well, for starters, magic and time travel.

It's 48 pages are filled with exactly two adventures, and it's safe to say that both of those were creative garbage.

The first adventure is essentially a Scooby Doo story mixed with inappropriate child interactions, lar being and racial themes don't believe me well, let me explain.

The misadventure starts off with Gary and his ex girlfriend, Karen, exploring an old fort, and Gary gets spooked by a smoky outline of a Native American.

Karen, not taking any of this shit, calls him out for lying.

Billy Ray comes up riding a horse, and Karen is somehow able to recognize him from, like 50 yards away, which is insane.

But the rial trip comes when Billy starts going on a spiel about how Gary might have actually seen a Cherokee ghost.

Because this sport was where our forefathers fought.

The men lost against them terribly, and he doesn't just stop there.

He keeps going and for some reason, starts giving a lesson about the trail of tears, maybe hinting at his next album, Release of Trail of Tears Door.

Maybe this man just really likes how his ancestors forced thousands of Native Americans off their land.

This is merely the tip of the iceberg, though, because he goes on to give the kids free tickets to his concert.

After said concert, Billy Ray invites the kids into his dressing room where I shit you not He's effing naked.

I mean, sure, he has a towel over his shoulder, but I would be hard pressed to call that a garment.

If a strange man invites you into his dressing room and he's barest naked leave.

Sadly, these kids didn't hear my essay or have common sense because even after seeing him like that, they stick around to add to the insanity.

Billy says he's already called their parents and that they said it was okay for the kids to go camping at the old fort with Billy tonight.

First off, how the hell did he get their parents numbers?

I would have loved to listen to those phone calls.

I was gonna get naked and invite your child in the dressing room and then take him camping at old, possibly haunted fort in the middle of nowhere.

That cool anyway, is fast forward a bit, and everyone ends up dressed up like Davy Crockett while riding horses around the fort with fake guns.

When surprise, surprise, some modern day Native Americans are dressed in their tribal attire, and for some reason, they're also carrying fake guns.

And then, in a moment of complete idiocy, the two groups, the colonizers and the Native Americans both mistake each other for ghosts and attempt to scare each other away by shooting blanks at each other.

No, I've got a handful of questions here, But first and foremost, why does anyone think blanks or even riel bullets, for that matter are going to scare off a ghost?

You can't shoot damn ghost in the first place, you idiots!

Thankfully, though, some day SX McKinna pushes the story forward by having a bear show up and scare the shit out of the Native Americans, obviously, you know, since bears or scarier than ghosts, they decided to run towards the old fort spotting Billy Ray on the way, telling him to cover them.

Wow, talk about a terrible end to a story.

But hey, at least the big lesson you can learn here is that bears are scarier than ghosts, mainly because one of them Israel and the other isn't also.

Hey, remember this is only the first adventure.

If you thought this was bad, it only gets worse.

So breath pure noggin for adventure to because this is a freakin roller coaster of a plot.

This part starts out with two kids as well, But this time their siblings not ex couple siblings Andy and Heather are at a Billy Ray concert when Andy has the bright idea of leaving early toe hide on Billy's tour bus to get his autograph.

Well, sadly, for these kids, the tour bus starts driving off and the kids become stowaways, at least from the first story we know Billy is super responsible with kids.

As the tour bus eventually stops to fill up on gas, the story takes a turn to Magic ville.

You see, this random gas station isn't some typical Philip?

Oh, no, This shit is run by none other than the great wizard Merlin, who proves that he is magical by predicting that the bus needs exactly 37.6 gallons of gas do match.

He also clues 1,000,000,000 on the fact that two Children stowed away on his bus because Billy's freakin flabbergasted and calls the kid's parents to reassure them he'll return their kids safely.

Dania, of course, the parents are like, OK, cool instead of being worried because this was the nineties and nothing bad ever happened.

Kids anyway, moving along the gang packs into the bus and heads off toward their next gig in Nashville.

Instead, teleport into some castle in 12 95 a.

This buzz also teleported them somewhere in Europe, where they also speak modern day English.

The entire bus is taken hostage, of course, because, well, it's 12 95 80 and that's just kind of what they dio.

Luckily, the King doesn't just kill them all.

He instead charges Billy with the task of slaying a dragon because tropes, I guess Billy, being mildly logical, refuses to slay the dragon and is put in shackles on Lee to immediately be slapped in the face and challenged to a duel, which in turn has him removed from the shot.

As soon as his shackles are removed, Billy is thrown into a suit of armor and put on a horse in order to joust the night who challenged him.

Sadly, Billy wins by taking off all his armor, which is stupid.

But that shouldn't be a surprise at this point.

By winning the Jos, he cement himself as the Dragon Slayer.

Maybe he, I don't know, sings it to death.

Nothing Because spoilers there is no dragon.

It's actually just, ah, hot spring making a bunch of steam in a cave.

Why the hell did Merlin send all these people back in time to slay a non existent dragon?

Like who gained anything meaningful out of this entire story?

 It's just some shit happening for no reason at all. 