If I shit myself, and we crash, maybe it will act as a rudimentary air bag and I'll be the only survivor.

No don't do that, just stay calm, you'll be fine.

What is that on the wings, sticky tape?

British Airways would never put sticky tape on the wings, this is simply outrageous.

Maybe I can just get off, they can't keep me on here against my will and....Oh, no, I'm definitely going to die.

Jesus Christ, no one is going to live if we crash from this height.

Did he just say catastrophic engine failure?

I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he just said.

Maybe if I just grip the armrest really hard I can hold the plane together.

Probably not, but maybe I'll just keep doing it anyway.

Why is no one else bothered by this?

It's like cows in a slaughterhouse except without the mooing.

Where does the pee go now?

Does it get sucked out?

What if it sucks all the air out too and we all suffocate?

I don't want to suffocate, maybe I'll just leave it there.

No you can't just leave it, next we'll all be reading Gawker and shitting in the street.

Oh that's not that bad at all, JESUS CHRIST, what the hell is that on the window?

I have literally no idea but it's probably fatal.

Are the wings wobbling, why are the wings wobbling, do wings wobble?

Probably just before they snap off.

Oh good, the electrics have failed, have they?

Well, I guess they weren't vital to flying the plane.

If you're listening, Jesus, I appreciate you're probably quite angry about the...drugs and that girl and the butt stuff last week, but I swear if you land the plane I'll believe in you, I absolutely promise, or if you're Jewish or Hindu or whatever, that's fine too, sign me up, just oh god please land the plane and I promise I'll...

Hehe, nice try Jesus you statistically improbable...twat.