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  • - Let's kick it off with the big news.

  • (upbeat instrumental music)

  • Whether you wanna believe in coronavirus or not,

  • it is real and today the Unites States passed

  • the 10,000 coronavirus deaths.

  • And experts are saying that that number

  • is probably undercounting things

  • because apparently many deaths in the U.S. have been labeled

  • as pneumonia or influenza when they were likely coronavirus.

  • Now, as America reaches the hardest week yet

  • of this epidemic states around the country have been begging

  • the federal government to help them find ventilators

  • for their overcrowded hospitals,

  • but because the federal government

  • took so long to react to this crisis,

  • (air whooshes) President Trump

  • just doesn't have enough ventilators to go around.

  • (air whooshes)

  • What he can give people, though,

  • is some unsolicited medical advice.

  • - [Reporter] President Trump says he thinks doctors

  • should use the drug hydroxychloroquine

  • to treat patients who've tested positive.

  • - That's hydroxychloroquine and azithromycin,

  • and again you have to go through your medical people,

  • get the approval, but I've seen things that I sort of like

  • so what do I know, I'm not a doctor.

  • I'm not a doctor.

  • - Okay, here's what I don't get.

  • Trump is acknowledging he's not a doctor

  • while legitimate doctors, who could answer these questions,

  • are standing right there next to him.

  • Why are we getting his opinion at all?

  • Imagine if you went in for a checkup

  • and there was just some random dude behind your doctor

  • giving his opinion like,

  • "If you ask me, it looks like

  • "you got some of that AIDS cancer.

  • "But what do I know, I'm just a guy who hangs out here."

  • I do have to give some credit to Trump, though,

  • for at least giving us a disclaimer that he's not a doctor.

  • I mean, he doesn't normally do that.

  • In fact, he should end all

  • of his coronavirus press conferences

  • like a pharmaceutical ad.

  • He's just come out like,

  • "Donald Trump is not a doctor

  • "and his advice should not be taken seriously.

  • "If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours,

  • "please let Donald Trump know 'cause that's pretty cool."

  • Now, before you get depressed by the fact that America

  • is being led by someone who knows less about medicine

  • than Dr. Pepper,

  • there is still a lot of good news out there.

  • Don't lose hope.

  • For instance, in Europe, although Spain and Italy are still

  • reporting more than 10,000 new infections each day,

  • their corona numbers are finally slowing down

  • which could be a sign that the worst has past.

  • And South Korea, they're superstars.

  • They've reported only 47 new cases yesterday,

  • and with fewer that 200 deaths out of a population

  • of 51 million people, South Korea has basically emerged

  • as maybe the only nation to have handled the pandemic

  • with near complete success.

  • And I mean, let's be honest,

  • South Korea was always gonna beat corona

  • because from what I can tell,

  • everyone in that country has a basement

  • inside their basement.

  • (image pops)

  • So I mean, if you're the virus,

  • good luck finding a South Korean person.

  • (air whooshes) But maybe the best news

  • of all is that there are rumors

  • that Netflix might be dropping

  • a new episode of "Tiger King", people.

  • That's right.

  • Jeff Lowe told a fan online that he had been filmed

  • for a new episode scheduled to drop this week.

  • Yeah, and when has Jeff Lowe ever lied.

  • I mean, if you can't trust a 65 year old man

  • who dresses like a rebellious teenager,

  • who can you trust?

  • And I guess this is how low the bar has gotten

  • for what counts as good news right now.

  • We find out there's more episodes about deranged murderers

  • and people being cruel to animals

  • and we're like, "Yes!

  • "Oh, some good news, thank you, Lord."

  • And I'm gonna be honest guys, I am terrified of this news

  • because every episode

  • of "Tiger King" (air whooshes)

  • has been crazier than the previous episode.

  • (air whooshes) So what's gonna happen

  • in this new episode?

  • Are we gonna find out Carole Baskin and her husband

  • faked his death to get the insurance money,

  • and he's been secretly living

  • inside one of those tigers all along.

  • Ah!

  • But let's move on.

  • Over the weekend, we got a major update from the CDC.

  • After months of telling us

  • that only sick people should be wearing masks,

  • the CDC now says everyone should cover their faces

  • with masks made from cloth like shirts

  • or bandanas or scarves,

  • because apparently even people who don't have symptoms

  • of coronavirus can unknowingly spread the coronavirus.

  • We are all coronavirus.

  • Sounds like an inspirational message.

  • Even if you don't feel corona, corona can feel you.

  • So basically, any time we go outside for essentials,

  • all of us should have a bandana or something on our face.

  • The CDC's gonna have everybody looking like

  • broke-ass "Mortal Kombat" characters.

  • Get over here.

  • Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, dude, coronavirus.

  • Not that close, just get over there.

  • But still, folks, that's a major shift from the CDC

  • and it's already having a big impact.

  • For instance, Joe Biden said that from now

  • he will wear a mask in public

  • because it's important to follow the science.

  • Meanwhile, President Trump

  • has said that these guidelines

  • are voluntary and he will probably not wear a mask,

  • which, let's be honest, doesn't surprise anyone.

  • Trump is all about appearance.

  • He's not going to be wearing a mask,

  • he doesn't care about safety.

  • In fact, the only way they can get him to wear a mask

  • is if his aides trick him.

  • Yeah, they just gotta trick him like he's a child,

  • "No, Mr. President, it's not a mask,

  • "it's a border wall for your face."

  • "So viruses are like the Mexicans of germs.

  • "I got it."

  • (upbeat instrumental music)

  • While the U.S. is bracing for an explosion

  • of new coronavirus infections,

  • the White House is also bracing for more backlash.

  • You see, they haven't been listening to coronavirus warnings

  • that they've been receiving for months.

  • Just today, Axios reported

  • that Peter Navarro, Trump's trade adviser,

  • wrote a memo back in January

  • where he warned very accurately

  • that if America didn't take immediate action

  • to stop the coronavirus,

  • it would break out in the United States

  • and it would kill hundreds of thousands of people.

  • And on top of that, he also predicted

  • that it would destroy the economy.

  • So Trump got warnings from the HHS,

  • got warnings from his intelligence agencies,

  • and even got warnings from his own economic advisers,

  • and he did heed any of those warnings.

  • Basically, if there's ever a warning

  • Trump just will ignore it.

  • Yeah, coronavirus, (air whooshes)

  • check engine light, (air whooshes)

  • I bet even chocking hazards. (air whooshes)

  • Half of Mike Pence's job is just pulling Legos

  • out of Trump's throat.

  • "It was a yellow piece

  • "so I thought it was a piece of cheese."

  • "I know, Mr. President, easy mistake to make, sir."

  • Now, it turns out Trump has been ignoring so many warnings

  • that "The Daily Show" investigation team managed to get

  • some of Donald Trump's voicemails

  • and it turns out, he was even ignoring warnings

  • from coronavirus itself.

  • (phone rings)

  • - [Automated Voice] You have four messages in your inbox.

  • Message one.

  • (phone beeps)

  • - [Coronavirus] Hey Donald, this is coronavirus calling.

  • Been trying to contact you for a little while now.

  • Wanted to let you know I'm gonna be branching out of China

  • into the United States soon.

  • I'm sure your advisors have already told you all about me,

  • but just wanted to confirm my schedule with you

  • and see if you have any plans for me.

  • Talk soon.

  • Like, really, really soon.

  • (phone clicks)

  • - [Automated Voice] Message two.

  • (phone beeps)

  • - [Coronavirus] Hey Donald, me again.

  • I just saw you on TV saying that I'm not coming.

  • Maybe you're not checking messages,

  • but I totally am coming.

  • Like, I've booked the flights and everything.

  • So, give me a call or something, man.

  • I'm starting to think you're ignoring me.

  • (phone clicks)

  • - [Automated Voice] Message three.

  • (phone beeps)

  • - [Cynthia] Hello Mr. Trump, this is Cynthia

  • from the adoption agency.

  • I just wanted to let you know

  • that we can't take your son Eric,

  • because he's a grown man.

  • I am so sorry about the bad news.

  • (phone clicks)

  • - [Automated Voice] Message four.

  • (phone beeps)

  • - [Coronavirus] Yo Donald, it's corona,

  • I'm at the airport.

  • I thought you'd have someone here to meet me,

  • but it doesn't seem like you've planned for my arrival,

  • so I'm just gonna hop into an Uber POOL with some strangers

  • and make my way into the city.

  • Let me know your sked, I'm pretty free.

  • I'm just gonna go to a party tonight,

  • and then 20 parties tomorrow night,

  • and then 400 parties the night after.

  • So hit me up.

  • Later, bro.

  • (phone beeps) (upbeat instrumental music)

  • - Let's talk about black people.

  • They're like white people but with seasoning.

  • In America, black people have had a long history

  • of getting the short end of the stick,

  • from slavery to Jim Crow to the criminal justice system

  • to the sunken place.

  • But when it came to the coronavirus, it seemed like,

  • for once, black people were catching a break.

  • - A lot of these viruses we're immune to

  • because our skin is radiant and our skin comes from the sun.

  • That is our superpower, melanin.

  • - Black people, we will not get the coronavirus,

  • because we got a little thing in our body

  • where we calling the melanin.

  • - Minorities can't catch it, we sure.

  • - They said that-- - Say that one more time.

  • - Minorities can't catch it.

  • - Minorities can't catch

  • coronavirus. - Coronavirus, nah.

  • - Who said that? - Why do you say that?

  • Why do you believe that? - Name one.

  • - I don't know,

  • but it could happen. (woman laughs)

  • - Name one, though. - It could happen.

  • - Name one of us. - If it--

  • - Yeah, when this whole pandemic was just kicking off,

  • many people, many people thought coronavirus

  • was something that just didn't involve black people.

  • Sort of like tennis elbow (air whooshes)

  • or "Tiger King". (air whooshes)

  • Very quickly, we've come to learn

  • that not only can black people get coronavirus,

  • it turns out that black people are being hit harder

  • than anyone else in America right now.

  • - With the rate of infection increasing in cities

  • across America there are alarming new statistics

  • showing the pandemic is taking an especially heavy toll

  • on minority communities.