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  • Do you want to live happily ever after?

  • My guess is that you do.

  • After seeing it on television and films, reading it in books for all these years,

  • it only makes sense that you would want to achieve the gold standard of love,

  • the highest possibility that one could possibly achieve.

  • Yet have you ever considered that the happily ever after story might actually

  • be damaging you and hurting your chances to be happy in love?

  • ♪ [music] ♪

  • You know, the happily ever after myth, that gold standard to which

  • we're all aspiring to, was only created about 400 years ago,

  • when the lifespan was less than 40 years of age.

  • It was created in Venice, Italy, where at the time, most of the people were

  • born into utter poverty, with no hope of ever escaping.

  • Half the children were dying before they reached their 16th birthday.

  • Life conditions were harsh and dire.

  • People couldn't even break free of their chronic impoverishment

  • through marriage, because at the time, there was a law on the books

  • forbidding a noble person from marrying a commoner. Just think of it.

  • When we look at the happily ever after myth, we always see a commoner

  • marrying a noble person and coming into great wealth as a result.

  • So this myth, which was first created as an escapist fantasy to help people survive

  • at a very difficult time, has now somehow become the covert standard

  • to which we're holding ourselves and each other accountable to.

  • But it's important to question our cultural assumptions and myths, because

  • they might not actually be appropriate for us to be aspiring to.

  • I mean, are you really expecting to live less than 40 years of age?

  • Are you anticipating that half of your children, if you plan on having them,

  • are going to die before the age of 16?

  • Is your life just about surviving and somehow making it

  • through just another year? Of course not.

  • The context of our lives, thankfully, is completely different

  • from someone who lived 400 years ago.

  • The truth is, what's actually normal for us is serial monogamy.

  • Studies show that statistically, most of us will have two to three

  • significant relationships in our lifetime.

  • And in just the past 100 years, our lifespan has doubled, and continues

  • to grow by leaps and bounds, as have our expectations

  • of what we want from a romantic union.

  • We want so much more than our grandparents would ever dare have expected.

  • We want that person to be your best friend, our soulmate, our lover for life,

  • which, with the invention of viagra and hormone therapies

  • is now actually possible.

  • So given that more people are going to divorce this year than buy a new car or

  • eat grapefruit for breakfast, I think it's time that we begin to rethink

  • the goals of love to which we are aspiring and to stop feeling like such a failure

  • when our relationships end before someone dies.

  • Because many of us will indeed experience the pain of a breakup.

  • I mean, if we're going to have two to three significant relationships

  • in our lifetime, that implies one or two big breakups as well.

  • And inside of this happily ever after myth, we've never actually learned

  • how to transition out of our relationships well.

  • And most of us will slip into a sense of shame and despair

  • at the end of a relationship, as though we have completely failed.

  • ♪ [music] ♪

  • So if you are up for it, I want to take you through a little values

  • assessment awareness exercise, just to give you a chance to see

  • for yourself which standards you're actually holding yourself

  • and others accountable to.

  • So just close your eyes for a moment and take a deep breath, and consider a breakup

  • you've had, maybe you're in the midst of one right now, maybe you're still

  • suffering with some unresolved grief from a past breakup, or anticipating a possible

  • breakup in the future, just noticing the judgments that you have

  • towards yourself or the other person as it relates to how you think this

  • was supposed to go, as opposed to how it actually did go.

  • See if you can identify the standards to which you've been

  • holding yourself and that other person accountable to.

  • Another way of saying this, "What standards have you

  • or that other person failed to live up to?"

  • Notice also what you're afraid that other people might judge you for.

  • Who are you imagining might judge you and for what,

  • even if they're not expressing it overtly?

  • Where does this land in your body, and then how do you respond?

  • Do you then try to hide? Are you not telling the whole story?

  • Are you having imaginary conversations where you're defending yourself

  • or are you beating yourself up?

  • Again, just asking yourself, "What standards am I failing to live up to?"

  • Notice the standards that you're holding yourself accountable to,

  • which might not even be yours.

  • Asking yourself, "Do I even actually agree with these standards?

  • Are they values that I share? Where did I even get them?

  • Are they congruent with what I'm here to create in my life

  • and in integrity with what I really believe?"

  • So you want to start to sort out the values that are true to who you are

  • and what you came here to create from those that you just inherited

  • from others, and which you're not really aligned with at the deepest level.

  • If you find that you're holding yourself accountable to standards

  • that you're not actually committed to, I invite you to just

  • start to let those go.

  • And when you're ready, you can open your eyes.

  • You might want to take out a journal and do some writing about this.

  • But here's the thing.

  • If you are living someone else's unexamined idea of love,

  • then you're in danger of setting yourself up to settle for less

  • or compromise your true life path.

  • The values we hold are influencing our choices and our actions every day.

  • And we want to make sure that the values that you are aspiring to are the ones that

  • are going to empower you to fully actualize the potentials that you hold

  • for happiness, health, fulfillment, and love on all levels.

  • Do you want to know more? Join me in my free Mindvalley masterclass.

  • And I look forward to seeing you there.

  • ♪ [music] ♪

Do you want to live happily ever after?

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Do You Believe in ‘Happily Ever After'?

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/04/13
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