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  • So we've all spent a day listening to these conversations

  • about people who are going to revolutionize things,

  • and they've got revolutionary technology,

  • and revolutionary ways to build cars and educate people.

  • And I have like the least revolutionary idea you're going to hear all day,

  • that is that you, and you and you and you, are allowed to have sex

  • exactly the way you want to, as often as you want to,

  • and it's up to rest of us to make sure that you know that.

  • (Laughter) So, right? That's not a bad way to end the day.

  • And it's kind of a perfect time in our history to have that conversation,

  • now that we finally got rid of "don't ask, don't tell".

  • Right? (Applause)

  • So, I had to think about what the opposite of "don't ask, don't tell" is.

  • It's "ask and tell"!

  • So now that we understand that it's OK

  • if the soldier fighting next to us is having gay sex,

  • it's time to ask ourselves if it's OK that the neighbor living next door to us

  • is getting tied up and spanked in a little girl dress every night.

  • And the answer is it is OK because it has no impact on you, whatsoever,

  • because what they're doing is a consensual act between adults.

  • and unless you're doing it with them, it does not matter to you.

  • But we have to get back to a very simple question:

  • What is sex? Sex is a consensual act between adults.

  • And that's all that it is.

  • If you look at this picture right here,

  • that's a temple like a thousand years ago in India and that is not monogamous,

  • and it's probably not heterosexual.

  • As long as people have been having sex

  • they've been doing it in wild and creative ways and they often even call it art.

  • Sex is a consensual act between adults

  • it is intimate, it is personal and it is totally natural.

  • So why do we have all the shame around it?

  • I think the first question really is to understand what shame is,

  • and we need to go ahead and separate that from guilt.

  • Guilt is an internal voice inside your body that pops up when you know

  • you have done something wrong to someone.

  • I told a lie, I feel guilty about that, I did something bad.

  • Shame is an external force that other people put on you;

  • it tells you that you are something bad.

  • So not I told a lie and did something bad; it is I'm gay, I am bad.

  • That's a really, really debilitating idea.

  • That takes away your autonomous control over your sexuality

  • and anybody who wants to take control over your sexuality

  • does not have your best interest at heart.

  • Whether it's your preacher, your teacher, your lover or anyone else,

  • that's not natural.

  • But what does shame do to people, why does this even matter?

  • I think you can turn on the news and you can see about

  • gay kids jumping off of bridges, because they're ashamed to be gay

  • and know that this matters.

  • In fact there's actually a lot of research about the impact of sexual shame

  • on gay and lesbian people.

  • Unfortunately it's all about gay and lesbian people

  • 'cos people don't research shame with heterosexuals too much.

  • So if you look at the statistics, youth between the ages of 21 and 25

  • are 8 times more likely to commit suicide

  • if they feel marginalized because of their sexuality.

  • That's really mean.

  • In the 16 states in 2005 that instituted constitutional amendments

  • saying that gay marriage is wrong and banned,

  • the statistics are kinda shocking.

  • Depression in the gay and lesbian population

  • in those states went from 23% to 31%;

  • generalized anxiety went from 3% to 9%,

  • and alcohol abuse went from 22% to 31%.

  • This hurts people. Sexual shame hurts people.

  • But that's just gay people, so that's good news for the rest of us.

  • Except that it turns out gay people are in fact just people.

  • So if sexual shame hurts gay people, it probably hurts straight people also.

  • Turns out about 8% of the population is homosexual.

  • In a survey that was done in 2005 asking people

  • about their sexual behavior, 20% of respondents

  • identified themselves as kinky.

  • Meaning that they had multiple partners at the same time,

  • they used toys, bondage, spanking, watched porn together.

  • 8% of people were let out their closet, 20% of people, and I think that's low,

  • are still living in shame in the closet, which is probably

  • where they keep all the toys and so maybe that's OK.

  • (Laughter)

  • The problem is this is a huge thing for all of us.

  • Sex is a huge industry.

  • Even in the depression it's a $13 billion industry to watch porn.

  • 25% of every single search engine request is looking for porn.

  • That's a lot. Think about that, right. 12% of the sites in the Internet are porn.

  • And if you thought that was big, 13 billion on porn,

  • last year, the world's worst economy, remember, since the depression,

  • 15 billion dollars worth of sex toys were purchased.

  • We are a kinky people, we are spending a lot of time and money

  • looking for sex, or looking for more fun sex anyway.

  • So what exactly is normal sex,

  • now that we've established that we don't want people to feel shame.

  • Normal sex is anything that is a consensual act between adults.

  • You can spank each other, you can wear costumes,

  • you can do anything you want and it is normal.

  • So my boyfriend and I this morning we're trying to come up

  • with a way to illustrate the depth and breadth of human sexuality

  • without scaring you with photos which are scary even to me.

  • So we went to the Lustlab, which is the strangers online personal ads

  • specifically for people who are looking for interesting sex.

  • There are 90 different kinks just on Lustlab

  • that you could register looking for a partner for, and that's in Seattle.

  • Seattle is really gotta be one of the most uptight cities in the country,

  • so that's saying something, right?

  • Looking at Lustlab everything went from asphyxiation to water sports,

  • and water sports in case you didn't know is pee not water,

  • and everything in between like bondage,

  • knife play, group sex, you name it, it's all normal.

  • Why does it matter that we're shaming each other,

  • as if jumping off bridges wasn't bad enough,

  • as if being depressed wasn't bad enough?

  • The truth is people are destroying marriages, careers, lives and communities

  • by keeping secrets about what they're into sexually.

  • All those, let's say politicians, who are suddenly looking

  • for a little boys in airport bathrooms.

  • It's bad enough that his own career was destroyed.

  • What about the woman he married who believed that

  • she was in a happy consensual marriage with somebody who's getting his needs met.

  • That lie didn't just hurt him, that hurt her, and his family.

  • It's just not cool. Just not OK.

  • So Milton Diamond was hired a few years ago to do research

  • on the impact of porn in kinky sex and sex crimes,

  • hopefully to prove that people who have kinky sex and watch porn

  • are the ones committing the crimes.

  • Turned out he found actually an inverse correlation;

  • people who watch porn and are sexually fulfilled

  • are less likely to commit crimes.

  • And that statistic is beared out in the fact that there's less crime

  • in the cities where there's more porn watched.

  • Guess what state has the most porn watched in the country -€“ Utah.

  • (Laughter) It's not a coincidence!

  • As I was running around doing statistics,

  • and the politicians and airports are kinda funny,

  • I read across a statistic that really hit home for me;

  • trans-people, people who are transitioning from either being male or female,

  • have three times the urinary tract infections of the general population.

  • You know why?

  • They're afraid to go in public bathrooms because people will ridicule them.

  • That's pretty direct. So why do we do it?

  • I think it's really simple, nobody actually knows why we shame people

  • about their sexuality, if you take the church out,

  • which I'm trying to do.

  • I think that we shame people about their sexuality

  • because we're afraid of our own sexuality.

  • It lives very, very deep inside of us and it's intimate and real and scary

  • and personal and we want to and we should protect our own sexuality.

  • So if we give those people the right to do those really scary,

  • weird things to each other,

  • I think we're afraid that we're giving them permission

  • to do those things to us as well.

  • And that is kind of scary.

  • I've awesome news for you. It actually works the opposite way.

  • When we give people back autonomous control over their sexuality

  • and say, you are allowed to define your sexuality however you want, you go do it,

  • we give ourselves that same right.

  • So we're allowed to say, I want you to tie me up

  • but I don't want you to spank me.

  • We are allowed to draw our own boundaries.

  • Not only do we get to have what we want;

  • we don't have to have what we don't want.

  • The upside for that as people

  • is that we create a really safe place for ourselves to be honest.

  • And when we are honest and safe with our lovers

  • we might actually be able to push our own boundaries

  • just a little bit farther and discover the whole spectrum for ourselves.

  • So here's the last thing. I'm hoping you all got your surveys,

  • please tell me there are surveys.

  • This is kind of a game so you have to play this one along with me.

  • I hope you all filled out your surveys. Nobody will ever know your answers.

  • I promise.

  • So what I want you to do is to take your surveys and ball them up,

  • into a totally crumpled ball, and then I want you to throw it

  • as far away from yourself and into the audience as you possibly can.

  • (Laughter) My God! That's awesome looking!

  • OK, now pick one up and throw it again.

  • I want you all to feel really comfortable that nobody will see your answers.

  • But mine are right there, in case you are wondering.

  • Those are my answers.

  • I've got nothing to hide anymore.

  • OK! Stop!

  • Pick up a survey. Open it. And read it.

  • It is my greatest hope that you will see something in there that resonates.

  • Oh! I would have tossed it to you.

  • OK. We're not done yet, there's one more piece

  • and I'm sure I've gone over time, oh, I know I've gone over time.

  • So as I'm walking off the stage,

  • I ask as a favor to you, one: hand those surveys,

  • to the ushers on your way out, but more importantly:

  • I want you to read the survey that you have

  • and I want you to look at somebody next to you,

  • and I want you to look at him in the eye and say, "I am afraid

  • that you will find out that I'm into -- all of the above."

  • And it's not because I want you can trust a secret

  • but I want all of us to get that muscle memory and build that language.

  • It's OK for you to be honest with me, I will accept that.

  • And I want all of us to know what it feels like to hold somebody

  • the thing most important to them, and treasure it,

  • because that's how we as a community

  • are going to learn to accept people for who they are

  • and end sexual shame and start having

  • really rocking good sex.

  • (Laughter) Thank you.

  • (Applause)

So we've all spent a day listening to these conversations

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B1 sexuality porn shame people gay consensual

【TEDx】Your Sexuality: Ask & Tell: Alyssa Royse at TEDxRainier

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    阿多賓 posted on 2014/03/14
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