Hi, everyone.

Welcome to "The Tonight Show: At Home Edition."

I want to thank Franny and Winnie for being the music.

Thank you guys so much. Gary the dog is here.

We're all good. Alright, that's good.

That's perfect. That's great. Thank you. That's perfect.

Winnie drew this. Thank you very much, Winnie.

This is beautiful. We have a great show tonight.

We have -- Trevor Noah is on the show tonight.

Doing amazing stuff over at "The Daily Show."

Also, DJ D-Nice did a dance party on Instagram

that everyone was talking about.

So I interview D-Nice and find out

all the good things he's been up to.

But first, let's just start the show with some jokes.

Let's go. Hi, guys.

Before we get into our monologue,

which is hot off the presses -- ow! --

I want to say thank you so much for watching this show.

Thank you, youtube.com.

YouTube has been great airing these shows so

so many people can see it early.

And, also, if you go to youtube.com/fallontonight,

if you're there right now or if you're watching this on NBC,

who also we thank, next to our link,

there's a "donate" button.

That will go to nokidhungry.org.

So, that's the way you can donate to that,

and anything can help.

Speaking of helping, I was thinking about this,

and if there's any way -- Your local food pantry --

Google where that is.

"Where is my local food pantry?" They all need help.

Right now, out where I am, East Hampton Food Pantry

is desperate for anything on the shelves.

So if you go stocking up, wherever you are,

just get an extra can of soup and drop it off to -- What?

-Or a case of soup.

-Or a case of -- Yeah, well, if you can get a case of soup.

I guess people are buying things by the cases.

Go to Costco and get, like, a pallet of soup

and drop one can off to the --

Is that what you're saying, honey?

Off to the food pantry.

So -- But anything you can, really, think about --

That'd be great if you could.

It's weird times right now.

I'm standing in front of an odd tree.

I don't even know where I am in the house, but it's there,

and I'm not going to talk about it.

But I see true colors of people are coming out,

and everyone's being very creative now.

And it's kind of a heartwarming thing to see.

There's also the other side of people, too,

because I was walking my dog the other day

with my camera operator, who's my wife.

And I don't walk like this. What was I doing?

So, I was walking normally.

And everyone crossing the street

because it's socially distancing, which is great.

But just because you're doing that doesn't mean

you don't have to smile or wave.

You can do that.

You don't have to not be a person.

You can be like, "Hello."

You know, you can do that, can't you?

Can you say "Hello"? You can do that.

"Hey, good to see you." I mean, we're far enough away.

We really are. Like, I'd say more than 6 feet.

12 feet.

Anyway, I'm really seeing everyone being creative

on the Internet and everything,

and so let's get to some monologue jokes right now.

And then, after that, by the way, we'll do --

We're doing our interviews, but we also have

kind of a "best of" is what we're doing.

Best of the "The Tonight Show" this whole week

and as long as we have to do this.

So, these are clips that make you happy

and maybe, like, just kind of

get that balance back in life.

So, you'll see Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone.

What?! Yes! It's awesome. Alright, here we go.

Here he is, Jimmy Fallon! [ Imitates cheering ]

Thank you very much. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

Oh, I forgot. My sister gave me a joke.

Gloria Fallon, I'll give you props for this.

She said, "Hey, guys, a lot of us have entered

our second week of quarantine and hopefully have enough

food, water, and skin left on your hands...from washing.

-Good one. -I know. Now here we go.

Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody,

"At Home Edition."

I hope everyone is doing okay. I had a tough weekend.

The governor of New York declared me

the definition of nonessential.

Why you do me like that?

Well, it's week two of self-quarantine,

and we're all feeling cooped up.

Today, my Amazon Alexa asked to give me -- sorry --

asked me to give it some space.

"Please back 6 feet off me."

As if things aren't crazy enough,

now the weather is insane,

as temperatures have dropped in half.

It's like the weather caught whatever the stock market has.

Honestly, who cares about the weather, right?

We're all inside anyway.

I was watching the news today, and the weather guy

turned to the sports guy and was like, "Why are we even here?"

[ Laughs ]

Why are we even here? To deafening silence.

Listen to this, guys.

I saw that Audible is now offering free audiobooks

for kids stuck at home.

So if Disney+ didn't hold your kids' attention,

I'm sure Ben Stein reading "War and Peace"

will do the trick.

I heard that Best Buy announced that they're now offering

curbside service with no human contact.

When they heard, Best Buy's Geek Squad was like,

"What's human contact?"

This is cool.

One of our guests tonight, DJ D-Nice,

hosted a social-distancing dance party on Instagram Live.

That's right -- a social-distancing dance party,

or as it's also known, every middle-school dance.

I read that since the increase in toilet-paper shortages,

people have been buying more bidets.

Yeah, it can act as a great substitute for toilet paper

and, if you're really desperate, a soda stream.

[ Laughs ]

I learned about an online toilet-paper --

I don't know. Why is that funny?

I read about -- Oh, I heard about

an online toilet-paper calculator

that tells you how long your supply will last.

So if you think you're bored, imagine being the guy

who just created an online toilet-paper calculator.

[ Laughs ]

This is crazy.

I saw that Germany has now banned gatherings

of more than two people.

Yep, a two-person gathering or, as it's known in Russia,

a 40th high-school reunion.

[ Russian accent ] We only ones who make it.

Our classmates were

the foundation of this school...literally.

They're in the foundation. They're in the cement somewhere.

[ Normal voice ] And, finally, this is amazing.

I read that the movie "Pretty Woman"

hit theaters 30 years ago today.

Do you remember that?

Not "Pretty Woman." I mean going to a movie theater.

That's our monologue, everybody. What?!

-Whoo-hoo!

-Now it's time to do a bit that we normally do on the show

where I play a cowboy character who's kind of ignorant

and just tells it like it is,

and he tells things to go on and git.

We're going to use a teleprompter thing,

an app that I got.

I don't know if it's going to work or not,

so just bear with us.

Here is "Go On, Git."

Hey, guys. It's time for "Go On, Git."

Is this Grandpa Juvonen's hat? -Dad.

-It's your dad's hat. -Mm-hmm.

-So, this is an actual, real cowboy's hat.

-Definitely.

-And I put my cowboy boots on

that I got a couple years ago,

and it took me about an hour to put them on.

And I think I'm just gonna have to leave them on all week.

Alright, here we go.

That's our teleprompter thing that we're using right now,

and we'll see if it works.

Alright, it's time for "Go --" Oh, here we go.

It can be hard to say goodbye, but sometimes, you have to.

And there are a few things I'd like to say

goodbye to right now.

It's time for "Go On --" It's not working.

It's time for "Go On --" Here we go.

It can be hard to say goodbye, but sometimes, you have to.

And there are a few things I like to say

goodbye to right now.

It's time for "Go On, Git."

♪♪

Go on, git, every single company sending e-mails

about what they're doing to "deal" with coronavirus.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm glad everyone's being careful at

the Sacramento Holiday Inn Express I went to

one time on a road trip in 2006,

but I didn't need an e-mail telling me about the

complimentary mini-muffin bar

will be closed until further notice.

Now, go on, git to the spam folder.

♪♪

Go on, git, insanely cheap plane tickets.

Oh, really? Flights to Miami are $17?

You don't say.

You know damn well that it's irresponsible

to take a nonessential flight right now.

Then again, $17 to Miami.

I mean, the Cuban sandwiches there are --

No! I turn my back on you, temptation.

Git! ♪♪

Go on, git, organic peanut butter.

You ain't nothing but a dang swimming pool of oil.

I got to stir you around, stir you, and stir you around.

Git. ♪♪

Go on, git, seasonal allergies. Read the ding-dang room.

This is not the right time for you to be showing up.

Usually, you're a minor annoyance,

but now one sneeze, and my family is changing into

hazmat suits and making me sleep in the dang-dung basement.

So go on, git, seasonal allergies

and take pet dander with you.

♪♪

Go on, git, spam phone calls,

calling me from my own dang number.

I know it's probably a scam,

but I can't take the chance and not pick up.

What if it's me from the future,

and I need help because I'm trapped in a basement?

How long have I been in there?

Don't worry, future me.

I'm coming for you...unless it is a spam number.

Then why don't you go on, git.

Alright, everybody. That's been "Go On, Git."

Hopefully you enjoyed it.

We'll be right back with more "Tonight Show."

♪♪

-Is this thing working? -[ Laughs ]

-Oh, what's up, Jimmy Fallon?

Do you want me to turn my screen sideways, as well?

I can do that.

-Ooh.

-Does that work for you?

-Yeah, definitely works for me, man.

What are you doing it on, a laptop, or you got an iPad?

-I've got an iPhone, man.

I'm in San Francisco. That's where I am.

[ Laughs ] -This does --

Are you really in --

You shouldn't be outside. You're on lockdown.

-Oh, man. What's going on? Are we starting yet?

When are we starting?

-This could be starting right now.