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  • What up?

  • Mmm! Explosion. Explosion!

  • Alright, let's get this over with.

  • 1) Can we hurry this up? I got another interview I need to be at.

  • 2) How much doI get paid? 3) What kind of benefits do we get here?

  • 4) You guys don't do background checks, do you? Let me know if you need me to explain

  • anything.

  • Why did you leave your last job? 5) Oh, I didn't leave. I was fired.

  • 6) They wanted me to go to sensitivity training. 7) There weren't enough attractive women...sorta

  • like this interview. 8) Embezzlement.

  • How do you define success? 9) No STD's

  • 10) No children. 11) No commitment at all really.

  • 12) By the amount of girls I slept with. 13) Not getting caught by the police.

  • 14) Obviously, by how much I make. 15) Do you mind if my parole officer sits

  • with us? 16) We both know you need black people at

  • this company. 17) Do you mind if my mom sits with us? Mom!

  • She said it's ok. C'mon.

  • Describe yourself in one word. 18) Turn up.

  • 19) Swag. 20) Yolo.

  • 21) Yeet. 22) Sexist.

  • 23) Unmotivated. 24) Lazy.

  • 25) Basic. 26) #MustardOnTheBeat

  • 27) The email said I needed to bring a resume. What is a resume? What is that?

  • Why do you want to work here? 28) Cause I'm broke.

  • 29) My friend said it was easy cash! 30) I'm just trying to get with the receptionist.

  • She's like a 9.5...you wouldn't know about that.

  • 31) Oh, I don't. I just have to act like I'm "searching" for a job for my unemployment

  • check. 32) I don't. My mom just threatened to kick

  • me out. 33) I'm turning 26. I need health insurance.

  • 34) I'm a little high right now. Hahahahaha!

  • Tell me a little about yourself. 35) Nah!

  • 36) I don't really like to stay at one job that long. I like to bounce around from place

  • to place... 37) ...sorta like your daughter.

  • 38) I'm unemployed. 39) I've only been arrested 6 times...

  • 40) I'm black 41) ...wait 7.

  • 42) I went to Taco Bell last night. 43) I'm single.

  • 44) I've never killed anyone... 45) ...yet.

  • 46) Shouldn't you be at home with your children? 47) You guys have a kitchen, right? Why aren't

  • you in it? 48) I'm not gonna lie. I had a couple of beers

  • before coming here. It takes the edge off.

  • What are some of your weaknesses? 49) Cocaine.

  • 50) Acid. 51) Underage females.

  • 52) Responsibility. 53) Your mom.

  • 54) Basic English grammar. 55) Big butts...I cannot lie.

  • 56) Prescription pain medication. 57) Alchohol.

  • 58) Marijuana 59) Being on time. You know I'm on black people

  • time still...you know! 60) Women in business suits.

  • 61) *Eyebrow raise* 62) *Consecutive eyebrow raise*

  • Discuss your resume. 63) It's in Times New Roman...previously Arial...

  • 64) ...from an online template I got last night.

  • 65) I just made most of this up.

  • What are some of your strengths? 66) Biceps.

  • 67) I don't have any. 68) My last boss said I was good at alienating

  • people. 69) I can consume large amounts of alcohol.

  • 70) I know Microsoft Word. 71) I can speak fluent Dothraki.

  • 72) I'm really good at World of Warcraft... 73) ...Call of Duty Black Ops 2.

  • 74) Oh, I'm really good at Clash of Clans.

  • What do you see yourself doing in 5 years? 75) You!

  • 76) Hopefully I'm not still here! 77) At a better job than this!

  • 78) Smoking a lot of weed. Hopefully it'll be legal by then. You know what I'm saying.

  • You know what I'm saying. 79) Starting a rival competitor.

  • 80) Leading the anarchist movement. 81) This place is like a stepping stone.

  • 82) Hmm? Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention.

  • Do you have any questions for me? 83) No.

  • 84) Honestly, I've never made it this far. 85) Can I work from home cause I'm actually

  • on house arrest. I'm surprised it hasn't gone off yet.

  • 86) Can I get an advance today. 87) How much do you get paid?

  • 88) You ever dated a younger guy? 89) Do you want to?

  • 90) So are you the only douchebag that works here?

  • 91) What's the policy on sexual harassment around here? Cause my last job wasn't too

  • lenient. 92) How soon can I take vacation days?

  • 93) When do I get a raise? 94) Wait, do you guys drug test?

  • 95) How many times am I allowed to fail? 96) Didn't we match onTinder?

  • 97) How you heard my mixtape yet? I brought a couple copies.

  • 98) So this place isn't 500 feet within a school is it?

  • 99) What's the WiFi password 100) So, what exactly do you guys do here?

  • Get out!

  • I’m a grown man.

What up?

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