Name: What If We Turned Back into Apes?
Uploaded: 2020-03-24T04:06:58.000Z
Duration: 10 min 10 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

The theory of evolution rests on the idea of mutation. The gist being—not that we

chose to evolve into what we are today—I mean, who would choose love handles and baldness?

—but that multiple mutations occurred, and then those of us with the most advantageous

mutations survived. (Turns out those love handles prove you can store fat, which is

Scientists think it took 3.5 billion years for us to evolve from single-celled organisms

into our present state. If true, this means we are still mutating and evolving today.

And we could, potentially, evolve in any direction. Maybe we’ll develop flight? Or transparency!

But what if some of our older genes re-emerged? Could we de-volve into something closer to

the ape-like form of every primate’s common ancestor? What if, one morning we woke up,

looked in the mirror, and found the “missing link” staring back at us?

It’s not as far-fetched as it sounds. We only differ from our cousins, the chimpanzees,

in about 2% of our genetic make-up. So, it wouldn’t take that many alterations to bring

It wouldn’t be all that bad either. This planet would be less concrete and more greenery!

So far in the real world, wherever we humans have been, we’ve cut down trees to build

homes, furniture, tools, you name it. Useful stuff, but also makes it kinda hard to breathe

In any case, since primates spend a lot of their time in trees, our ape descendants would

likely make reforesting the planet a priority. Plus, trees will provide them with transportation

as they swing from vines and leap from tree to tree. And, where they can’t swing, they’ll

fly in spacious solar-powered, gliders. Hey, we’ll still be humans, just more ape-like.

Doesn’t mean we’ll give up the conveniences of technology. On that note…

The focus for technology will likely be on solar power since we’ll be up in the trees

right under the sun. Among those branches, you’ll find hut-like office buildings, libraries,

schools, malls, restaurants with imported exotic fruits and nuts (not so much meat,

As our needs change, so will manufacturing. We’ll still need food. But shelter and clothing?

The once-massive clothing industry that drove the Industrial Revolution with its mills and

factories, will all but vanish after our Ape De-evolution, as most apes will find their

natural fur coat suitable for daily wear. What little of the garment industry survives

will probably turn out heavy coats and winter gear—like for research expeditions to the

Though, most of us will probably live where it’s warm. As for those who don’t, their

fur will be thicker, their stout bodies more cut out for the harsh winters of their northern

But, while clothiers go completely bust, the fur accessory industry will explode! What’s

fur for if not to decorate? Ribbons! Bows! Jewel-encrusted bobby-pins and fur-clips.

Not to mention all the fur-care products! Up-tree salons will offer specialized treatments

for the fur on an ape’s whole body! Brazilian blow-out? Perm? Straightening? Not only limited

While we won’t need shirts, we may need twice as many shoes. Like us, apes can walk

upright but prefer to lumber along on all fours. This quadra-pedal preference could

give rise to a new industry: hand-shoes and matching sock-gloves. After a long day, the

complaint will be “Oh, my aching limbs!” The massage industry will thrive!

But if we’re getting around on all fours, how will we hold stuff as we go about our

day? To meet that demand, hands-free technology will probably become even more popular than

it is today. Backpacks or headbands with extendable robotic arms that work in sync with your own

limbs thanks to attachable brain sensors!

Since we’ll be spending most of our lives outdoors, the camping industry will morph

into something more like today’s household goods industry. But apish descendants of today’s

cosplayers and historical re-enactors needn’t fret! Having returned to our natural habitat,

romantic types will yearn for the “Great Indoors” and to go “City-ing.” Families

can spend a few days “roughing it” inside ruins such as The Parthenon, Versailles, and

Ye Old Shopping Mall, where young apes of the future will trade tree-climbing and berry-gathering

for the wonders of elevators and IRL shopping. And volunteer apes—in period costumes—"stock

the shelves” and “man” the cash register!

Wait, but how will we get paid in this world? What will money look like? Ape-versions of

presidents on every bill? Maybe Charlton Heston in a loin cloth – remember that movie? Possibly.

Or more likely a barter system, where you might trade a haircut for 3.25 (that’s 3

And there will always be apes out to “Get Rich Quick.” Once the drift of our de-evolution

became clear, speculators will invest in the banana market, on the common belief that apes

go ape for bananas. Like the great Tulip-mania of the 1600s when tulip farms sprang up everywhere,

speculators will plant bananas wherever space is available. These investors will slip on

the banana’s appeal. “The Great Banana Bubble” will burst when it becomes clear

that —while apes do like bananas— they like them at exactly the same rate humans

did. Once supermarkets are flooded with bananas, prices will plummet, and the banana stock

markets will collapse. So, yeah, maybe I’ll cut back on the banana references?

The Empire State Building will remain an important historical landmark. As such, apes will have

to pass both a physical exam and extensive background check before obtaining the necessary

permits to climb the massive structure. Getting selfies with Fay Wray will cost extra!

You know what else will be big? Our mouths! As big as they need to be, in fact! These

days, we have to get our extra wisdom teeth removed since our jaws have become too short

over the years of evolution. But once we go back to our ape form, these once crowded teeth

will have plenty of room! So, while dentistry will remain a safe career, orthodontists will

If our mouths are larger, will this change our speech? It’s likely! While all apes

vocalize, they have trouble with pronunciation. The problem isn’t cognitive. Apes like the

famous Koko have mastered sign language. Today’s apes don’t speak the way we do because they

have thinner tongues, and their larynx, or vocal box, is placed differently than ours.

If we re-evolve to have the same thin tongue and higher voice boxes, we’ll depend on

Our descendants will never have to attend one of those product-parties, where a friend-of-a-friend

serves broken crackers and tries to sell you soap or candles. Instead, future apes will

congregate at Grooming Parties—for free! Every sunrise, apes gather and groom each

other. No stale cookies for them! They eat the bugs they pluck from one another’s coats!

Today’s apes possess 3 times an average man’s strength, implying that our apish

descendants (or…re-cendants?) will be much stronger than we are. This will have a significant

impact on what sports are popular. Say goodbye to the ones that involve a lot of running

– soccer, baseball, basketball. If we’re going back to our ape bodies, then our legs

and spines won’t be so good at walking or running. Though, there will probably be tree-friendly

alternatives where the running is replaced by swinging. Competitive eating will gain

prominence, while track-and-field races give way to skyscraper-scaling and mountain-climbing

Because our new ape form will triple our strength, even the gentlest missing link will snap off

any doorknob he attempts to turn. (He’ll barge through anyway.) Museums of the future

will brim with displays of these broken doorknobs along with artifacts like broken DVD-players

and tiny airline seats. On the Bright Side, no ape will ever struggle to open a jar of