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  • Hello, adults.

  • I'm John Mulaney, and I just finished my interview with Stephen Colbert about my new Netflix comedy special, John Mulaney in the Sack Lunch Bunch.

  • It's Me and 15 Kids.

  • It is after midnight here at the Late Show, which means it's time to unwrap thes free midnight snacks in my green room.

  • This'd John Mulaney and this is the midnight snack pack.

  • As a child, my greatest fear waas someone breaking into our home and killing my whole family.

  • Except for me, I felt that I was the only one who aware that people were out there that were dangerous.

  • So I had a crowbar under my bed, all right, an eastern aluminum bat under my bed.

  • Someone broke in and I heard them, you know, gathering my family, cut the electric and then cried out my crowbar in my bat and they'd be on my time to my rules when I grew up in the nineties, it was a heyday for parent fears.

  • My parent's biggest fear was that me or my brother would get a girl pregnant and then you would have to marry them, and then, uh, you would be married and you'd be 14 or something until about until now, actually, and it hasn't done.

  • No matter how safely you have sex, you'll get someone pregnant because a nun told me my mom would pack a lunch.

  • I think sometimes, and I remember the thud of it hitting the garbage can outside our house.

  • When I was leaving, I ate crackers with peanut butter, and then I would drink a mountain dew down a bag of Reese's pieces, drink clear Pepsi, and that was it.

  • That was the only food I had all day.

  • I felt like a $1,000,000.15 crackers and Mountain Dew like the amount of things I have to do now to feel clearheaded and good.

  • You're insane.

  • And at that age, just just crackers and soda.

  • I would watch TV a lot.

  • I would watch Maury.

  • I would do skits for my parents friends, and I wanted them to pay attention and they wouldn't pay attention and just was stomping my feet.

  • Corn, Look at me.

  • Look at me, Look at me.

  • But I also had a weird thing where I would pretend to right old fashioned letters.

  • I would write letters like they were from the civil war.

  • Not like deer Felisha.

  • You know, we lost again it at Bull Run, and then I would burn the edges of the papers, so that looked old and it was just for me, and I have no idea why I did it.

  • I remember my brother found him once, and he was like, What?

  • The things that I was like that as my brother made fun of me for so long with the Sakhalin Bunch, I felt kind of like myself at ages 10 11 and 12 which was I think they like me.

  • They're close, but I'm not.

  • One of their friends would be between takes.

  • And I'd be like, Yeah, you guys like doing this like being this, like, to a second bunch.

  • And I really needed the validation from them.

  • You will like it.

  • I promise you, you will like it.

  • It is genuinely one of the most impressive, dumbest things I've ever been part of Steven.

  • Thank you for having me on.

  • I genuinely look forward to these conversations more than you'll ever know.

  • It's like free therapy in front of 400 people and then in front of millions of people.

  • But it's always fascinating eso Thank you.

  • And I hope I see you.

  • This has been John Mulaney and the midnight snack pack Have a good one.

  • Brother made fun of me for so long.

Hello, adults.

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