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  • PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • AS YOU CAN SEE, AS YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THERE, WE ARE LIVE.

  • TONIGHT WAS THE LAST-- LAST DEBATE BEFORE DEMOCRATIC VOTING

  • STARTS IN FEBRUARY.

  • SO, AFTER TWO YEARS OF CAMPAIGNING, SEVEN DEBATES, 28

  • DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES, AND ONE TRULY EXHAUSTED HUSK OF A LATE

  • NIGHT HOST, WE MADE IT TO ALMOST STARTING THE ELECTION.

  • REMIND ME TO PICK UP SOME BONIVA.

  • THANK YOU.

  • NOW, H THE CAUCUSES RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, TONIGHT'S DEBATE

  • TOOK PLACE IN DES MOINES, IOWA.

  • AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT DES MOINES, PLEASE, SAY

  • SOMETHING ABOUT DES MOINES.

  • IT'S REALLY LOVELY.

  • IT'S A REALLY LOVELY PLACE.

  • REALLY LOVELY.

  • THERE WAS CONTROVERSY BECAUSE TONIGHT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN

  • THIS ELECTION CYCLE THAT THE DEMOCRATS HAD AN ALL-WHITE

  • DEBATE STAGE.

  • ONCE AGAIN, J-LO WAS ROBBED.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) JOE BIDEN HAS BEEN UNDER ATTACK

  • LATELY FOR HIS 2002 VOTE TO AUTHORIZE THE IRAQ WAR.

  • SO TONIGHT, HE CAME OUT AND ADMITTED HE WAS WRONG.

  • >> I SAID 13 YEARS AGO IT WAS A MISTAKE TO GIVE THE PRESIDENT

  • THE AUTHORITY TO GO TO WAR.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, YOU GOTTA TA GIVE HIM CREDIT.

  • HE TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS AND DIDN'T HIDE

  • BEHIND BARACK-- >> BARACK OBAMA, PICKED ME TO BE

  • HIS VICE PRESIDENT.

  • >> Stephen: AND THREE MINUTES AND EIGHTEEN SECONDS!

  • NOT BAD.

  • THEN MAYOR PETE WEIGHED IN ON THE IRAQ WAR.

  • >> THERE ARE ENLISTED PEOPLE THAT I SERVED WITH, BARELY OLD

  • ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THOSE VOTES ON THE AUTHORIZATION AFTER 9/11,

  • ON THE WAR IN IRAQ.

  • AND THERE ARE PEOPLE NOW OLD ENOUGH TO ENLIST WHO WERE NOT

  • ALIVE FOR SOME OF THOSE DEBATES.

  • >> Stephen: (AS PETE) "AND THERE ARE PEOPLE ON THIS

  • STAGE OLD ENOUGH TO TAKE ME TO AN R-RATED MOVIE.

  • COME ON, I WANNA SEE 'UNCUT GEMS!'"

  • I HEAR SANDLER KILLS IT!

  • AMY KLOBUCHAR'S FIRST QUESTION WAS ABOUT HER PREVIOUS ATTACKS

  • ON MAYOR PETE'S LACK OF EXPERIENCE:

  • >> I'VE BEEN VERY CLEAR THAT I RESPECT THE MAYOR'S EXPERIENCE

  • VERY MUCH IN THE MILITARY.

  • I JUST HAVE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE.

  • >> Stephen: (AS KLOBUCHAR) "SPECIFICALLY, I HAVE THE

  • EXPERIENCE OF LOSING IN THE POLLS TO THE FORMER MAYOR OF

  • SOUTH BEND, INDIANA.

  • HE'LL NEVER KNOW THAT KIND OF HUMILIATION."

  • AS THE WAR DEBATE WENT ON, BERNIE PROVIDED SOME HISTORICAL

  • CONTEXT.

  • >> THE TWO GREAT FOREIGN POLICY DISASTERS OF OUR LIFETIMES, WITH

  • THE WAR IN VIETNAM AND THE WAR IN IRAQ.

  • BOTH OF THOSE WARS WERE BASED ON LIES.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "WE NEED TO STOP HEADING INTO

  • WARS WE CANNOT WIN IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

  • IT'S WHAT I TOLD CONGRESS IN 2002.

  • IT'S WHAT I TOLD MY FRIEND RICHARD THE LIONHEART IN 1191."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • WE NEED TO NEGOTIATE WITH SOLADINE OVER THE PARTITION OF

  • THE HOLY LAND."

  • THEN, SENATOR KLOBUCHAR SPOKE OF VISITING A WORKER AT A DYING

  • FACTORY.

  • >> I WENT TO THIS PLANT AND THERE WAS ONE WORKER LEFT IN

  • THAT PLANT.

  • THAT WORKER BROUGHT OUT A COAT RACK OF UNIFORMS, AND HE SAID

  • "THESE ARE MY FRIENDS."

  • >> Stephen: (AS KLOBUCHAR) "AND I MADE THAT MAN A PROMISE:

  • THAT I WOULD GIVE HIM ANYTHING HE WANTED IF HE JUST LET ME

  • OUT OF THE ROOM."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) "AND HIS FRIENDS-- HIS FRIENDS

  • CAN COME WITH ME.

  • DO YOUR-- DO YOUR FRIENDS HAVE NAMES?"

  • KLOBUCHAR ALSO BROUGHT OUT A LOCAL EXAMPLE OF WOMEN

  • SUCCEEDING IN POLITICS.

  • >> KANSAS HAS A WOMAN GOVERNOR RIGHT NOW, AND SHE BEAT KRIS

  • KOBACH.

  • AND HER NAME, UM, IS-- I'M VERY PROUD TO KNOW HER-- AND

  • HER NAME IS GOVERNOR KELLY.

  • THANK YOU.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: (AS KLOBUCHAR)

  • "I AM-- I AM SO PROUD TO CALL HER A FRIEND, AND I KNOW HER,

  • AND SHE'S KNOWN TO ME, AND HER NAME, WHICH I AM COMING

  • -- I AM COMING TO.

  • SHALL I SAY THE NAME?

  • YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT.

  • HERE I GO.

  • IT'S ... KELLY!

  • ONE OF HER NAMES IS KELLY!

  • IT'S EITHER HER FIRST NAME, LAST NAME, OR FAVORITE COLOR.

  • THANK YOU.

  • KELLY."

  • ( APPLAUSE ) THE BIG STORY HEADING INTO THE

  • DEBATE TONIGHT WAS THE FALLING OUT BETWEEN BERNIE SANDERS AND

  • ELIZABETH WARREN.

  • LAST NIGHT, NEWS LEAKED THAT BERNIE SANDERS EVIDENTALY TOLD

  • ELIZABETH WARREN IN A PRIVATE 2018 MEETING THAT A WOMAN CAN'T

  • WIN THE PRESIDENCY.

  • NOW, BERNIE'S DENIED IT, BUT WARREN SAID THAT "AMONG THE

  • TOPICS THAT CAME UP WAS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF DEMOCRATS

  • NOMINATED A FEMALE CANDIDATE.

  • I THOUGHT A WOMAN COULD WIN; HE DISAGREED."

  • WELL, THAT'S A REAL HE SAID, SHE SAID HE SAID WHAT HE JUST SAID

  • HE DIDN'T SAY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO IT CAME AS NO SURPRISE WHEN

  • BERNIE WAS ASKED ABOUT IT.

  • >> SENATOR SANDERS, CNN REPORTED YESTERDAY, AND SENATOR SANDERS--

  • SENATOR WARREN CONFIRMED IN A STATEMENT-- THAT IN 2018, YOU

  • TOLD HER THAT YOU DID NOT BELIEVE THAT A WOMAN COULD WIN

  • THE ELECTION.

  • WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?

  • >> WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DIDN'T SAY IT.

  • AND I DON'T WANT TO WASTE A WHOLE LOT OF TIME ON THIS.

  • ANYBODY KNOWS ME KNOWS THAT IT'S INCOMPREHENSIBLE THAT I WOULD

  • THINK THAT A WOMAN CANNOT BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

  • GO TO YOUTUBE TODAY.

  • >> Stephen: YES, IF YOU WANT TO SEE BERNIE SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT

  • FEMALE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, GO TO YOUTUBE.

  • IF YOU WANT TO SEE HIS SUPPORTERS SAYING TERRIBLE

  • THINGS ABOUT THEM, GO TO THE COMMENTS SECTION.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • SO THAT'S IT.

  • THAT'S IT.

  • THERE IT IS.

  • BERNIE CATEGORICALLY DENIED THE CHARGE.

  • AND THEN IT WAS TIME FOR WARREN TO GET A QUESTION.

  • >> SENATOR SANDERS, I DO WANT TO BE CLEAR HERE, YOU'RE SAYING

  • THAT YOU NEVER TOLD SENATOR WARREN THAT A WOMAN COULD NOT

  • WIN THE ELECTION?

  • >> THAT IS CORRECT.

  • >> SENATOR WARREN, WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN SENATOR SANDERS TOLD

  • YOU A WOMAN COULD NOT WIN THE ELECTION?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHO WROTE THESE

  • QUESTIONS, ANDY COHEN?

  • (AS PHILLIP) "SENATOR WARREN, I WILL GIVE YOU

  • AN OPPORTUNITY NOW TO THROW WINE IN BERNIE'S FACE AND SNATCH THIS

  • BITCH'S WIG OFF, OKAY?

  • DO YOU WANT TO-- DO YOU WANT TO-- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

  • THEN SENATOR WARREN BROUGHT DOWN THE HAMMER.

  • >> LOOK AT THE MEN ON THIS STAGE.

  • COLLECTIVELY, THEY HAVE LOST TEN ELECTIONS.

  • THE ONLY PEOPLE ON THIS STAGE WHO HAVE WON EVERY SINGLE

  • ELECTION THAT THEY'VE BEEN IN ARE THE WOMEN.

  • >> Stephen: WOW!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PSSST!

  • NOT ONLY HAVE THEY LOST 10 ELECTIONS.

  • NOW THEY'VE LOST THEIR BALLS TO ELIZABETH WARREN.

  • UNBELIEVABLE, JUST PUT THEM IN A ZIP POUCH... WARREN SPECIFICALLY

  • SAID SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE TO WIN AN ELECTION IN THE LAST 30

  • YEARS.

  • THAT'S WHEN GRAMMY AND GRANDPA REALLY STARTED TO MIX IT UP.

  • >> JUST TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, I DEFEATED A

  • REPUBLICAN INCUMBENT RUNNING FOR CONGRESS.

  • >> WHEN?

  • >> 1990.

  • THAT'S HOW I WON.

  • BEAT A REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN.

  • NUMBER TWO-- >> OF COURSE!

  • >> Stephen: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

  • SHOW YOUR WORK!

  • DO MATH!

  • PENCILS DOWN!

  • WHY ISN'T YANG HERE?

  • THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.

  • JOE BIDEN TALKED ABOUT HIS POWER TO BRING THE BIGGEST COALITION

  • TOGETHER.

  • >> THE REAL ISSUE IS WHO CAN BRING THE PARTY TOGETHER AND

  • REPRESENT ALL ELEMENTS OF THE PARTY-- AFRICAN-AMERICANS,

  • BROWN, BLACK, WOMEN, MEN. GAY, STRAIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "WOMEN, MEN, GAY, STRAIGHT,

  • TOPS, BOTTOMS, PITCHERS, CATCHERS-- ALL IN A GIANT SWEATY

  • COALITION OF FREEDOM."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AT ONE POINT-- AT ONE POINT,