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  • WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • TODAY IS JUST DAY ONE OF THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF

  • DONALD JOHN TRUMP.

  • IT'S HISTORIC.

  • IT'S A PIVOTAL DAY IN THE HISTORY OF THE REPUBLIC: SOON,

  • WE WILL FIND OUT IF BREAKING THE LAW IS ILLEGAL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Jon: WE WILL FIND OUT.

  • >> Stephen: GOTTA SAY, GOTTA SAY, SO FAR, I DON'T LIKE THE

  • ODDS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT

  • IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WHOA!

  • WHOA!

  • NO!

  • NO!

  • NO!

  • NO!

  • I'M SOAKING WET.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: TECHNICALLY, THE

  • TRIAL BEGINS TOMORROW.

  • TODAY WAS DEBATE ABOUT THE RULES PROPOSED BY SENATE MAJORITY

  • LEADER AND SCROTUM OF THE OPERA, MITCH McCONNELL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • HIS-- HIS RULES SAY-- McCONNELL'S RULES SAY THAT THE

  • THEY WANT TO CONSIDER NEW EVIDENCE AT ALL.

  • AND McCONNELL DOES NOT GUARANTEE THE TRIAL WILL INCLUDE

  • WITNESSES.

  • SO, NO EVIDENCE, NO WITNESSES...

  • JUST 100 OLD PEOPLE STUCK IN A ROOM TOGETHER.

  • THIS ISN'T A TRIAL.

  • IT'S THE 4:00 DINNER RUSH AT DENNY'S, OR A MATINEE IN

  • BRANSON, MISSOURI.

  • IF, BY SOME WILD CHANCE, THERE WHERE MONKEYS EAT MEAT, IT TURNS

  • OUT THERE ARE WITNESSES.

  • McCONNELL HAS BUILT IN A FAIL-SAFE, BECAUSE IF THE

  • MAJORITY DECIDE TO CALL WITNESSES, THAT WITNESS WOULD

  • FIRST BE INTERVIEWED BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, MEANING THEY MIGHT

  • NEVER TESTIFY IN PUBLIC.

  • ( AS MCCONNELL ) "THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE A

  • "THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE A FAIR AND TRANSPARENT PROCESS.

  • NOW PLACE THE TESTIMONY HOOD OVER THE WITNESS'S HEAD, DRAG

  • HIM INTO THE FACT DUNGEON, AND BEAT HIM WITH THE TRUTH HOSE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING: ACCORDING

  • TO A NEW CNN POLL, 69% SAY THAT THE UPCOMING TRIAL SHOULD

  • FEATURE TESTIMONY FROM NEW WITNESSES.

  • THAT'S A TWO-THIRDS MAJORITY.

  • BUT THEN AGAIN, IF WE DID WHAT THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS

  • WANT, HILLARY WOULD BE PRESIDENT, AND WE'D HAVE

  • MALLOMARS ALL YEAR ROUND ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • REFRIGERATE THE TRUCKS!

  • WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!

  • IF WE CAN HAVE MOON PIES, WE CAN HAVE MALLOMARS.

  • NOW, THE SAME POLL FOUND THAT 51% OF AMERICANS SAY THE SENATE

  • SHOULD REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "OH, NO, MY OLD NEMESIS,

  • MAJORITIES!

  • EVEN WORSE THAN MY OTHER NEMESIS: MINORITIES."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, ONCE ARGUMENTS GOT

  • UNDERWAY, HOUSE IMPEACHMENT MANAGER ADAM SCHIFF LAID OUT

  • EXACTLY WHY MCCONNELL'S RULES FOR THE TRIAL ARE NOTHING LIKE

  • THE CLINTON IMPEACHMENT.

  • >> ALL OF THE DOCUMENTS IN THE CLINTON TRIAL WERE TURNED OVER

  • PRIOR TO THE TRIAL, ALL 90,000 PAGES OF THEM, SO THEY COULD BE

  • USED IN THE HOUSE'S CASE.

  • NONE OF THE DOCUMENTS HAVE BEEN TURNED OVER BY THE PRESIDENT IN

  • THIS CASE.

  • AND UNDER LEADER McCONNELL'S PROPOSAL, NONE MAY EVER BE.

  • IF THE HOUSE CANNOT CALL WITNESSES OR INTRODUCE

  • DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE, IT IS NOT A FAIR TRIAL.

  • IT IS NOT REALLY A TRIAL AT ALL.

  • >> Stephen: NOW, WHO KNOWS IF HIS ARGUMENT IS GOING TO MAKE

  • ANY DIFFERENCE IN THE LONG RUN, BUT IT JUST FEELS GOOD FOR

  • SOMEONE TO STAND UP AND NAME THE LIE WE CAN ALL PLAINLY SEE.

  • IT'S LIKE THE LITTLE BOY YELLING, "THE EMPEROR HAS NO

  • CLOTHES!

  • OH, GOD "N" MAKE HIM PUT CLOTHES BACK ON!

  • MY EYES!

  • WIPE AWAY MY EYES!" NOW, SCHIFF POINTED OUT THAT,

  • SETTING POLITICS ASIDE, WE ALL KNOW WHAT REAL JUSTICE LOOKS

  • LIKE.

  • >> ASK YOURSELVES HOW WOULD YOU STRUCTURE THE TRIAL IF YOU

  • DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PARTY WAS AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE

  • PARTY OF THE PRESIDENT WAS?

  • >> Stephen: AND WHILE WE'RE ON HYPOTHETICALS, ASK YOURSELF IF

  • YOU'D RATHER SEE TRUMP DRAGGED OUT OF OFFICE BY ONE HORSE-SIZED

  • DUCK OR 100 DUCK-SIZED HORSES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SCHIFF DISPUTED THE REPUBLICAN

  • LINE THAT THEY'RE JUST FOLLOWING THE PROCESS LAID OUT DURING THE

  • CLINTON IMPEACHMENT AND REMINDED THE SENATE WHY THEY HAD

  • TO BE SO CAREFUL ABOUT TALKING ABOUT THAT CASE.

  • >> THE TESTIMONY IN THE CLINTON TRIAL INVOLVED DECORUM ISSUES

  • THAT ARE NOT PRESENT HERE.

  • YOU MAY REST ASSURED, WHATEVER ELSE THE CASE MAY BE, SUCH

  • ISSUES WILL NOT BE PRESENT HERE.

  • >> Stephen: YES, THERE WERE A LOT OF ISSUES IN THE CLINTON

  • TRIAL WITH DECORUM.

  • BILL CLINTON COULD NOT KEEP STICKING HIS DECORUM WHERE IT

  • DIDN'T BELONG.

  • TOUGH WORD.

  • GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

  • IT'S HARD TO SAY.

  • THAT WAS HARD TO SAY AND NOT GET IT BLEEPED ON CBS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • VERY DIFFICULT.

  • THEN TV LAWYER JAY SEKULOW GOT UP TO REBUT ON BEHALF OF THE

  • PRESIDENT AND REALLY RAISED MORE QUESTIONS THAN HE ANSWERED.

  • >> WHAT ARE WE DEALING WITH HERE?

  • WHY ARE WE HERE?

  • >> Stephen: (AS SEKULOW) WHY ARE WE HERE.

  • "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

  • DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO?

  • DO YOU LIKE THE THINGS THAT LIFE IS SHOWING YOU?

  • WHAT'S THE BUZZ?

  • TELL ME WHAT'S A-HAPPENING?

  • WHERE ARE THE CLOWNS?

  • THERE OUGHT TO BE CLOWNS.

  • IN SUMMATION: WAR-- HUNGH, GOOD, GOD, Y'ALL

  • WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

  • THE DEFENSE RESTS."

  • ( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.

  • THANK YOU.

  • NOW, WHITE HOUSE ATTORNEY PAT CIPOLLONE SEEMED TO THINK THAT

  • COLLECTING EVIDENCE WAS, ITSELF, SOMEHOW UNFAIR?

  • >> IF I SHOWED UP IN ANY COURT IN THIS COUNTRY, AND I SAID,

  • "JUDGE, MY CASE IS OVERWHELMING, BUT I'M NOT READY TO GO YET.

  • I NEED MORE EVIDENCE BEFORE I CAN MAKE MY CASE," I WOULD GET

  • THROWN OUT IN TWO SECONDS.

  • >> Stephen: NO, YOU WOULDN'T!

  • IT'S CALLED "DISCOVERY."

  • COURTS ALLOW IT ALL THE TIME!

  • INSTEAD OF OPENING STATEMENTS ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • LOOK, SIP LOAN, INSTEAD OF OPENING STATEMENTS, MAYBE YOU

  • SHOULD HAVE SPENT YOUR HOUR WATCHING "LAW & ORDER."

  • CIPPOLLONE COULDN'T JUSTIFY NO EVIDENCE AND NO WITNESSES, SO

  • HOW DID YOU MAKE A CASE WITH NO ARGUMENT?

  • VOLUME!

  • >> WHEN YOU LOOK AT THESE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT, THEY

  • ARE NOT ONLY RIDICULOUS.

  • IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

  • IT'S RIDICULOUS.

  • IT'S RIDICULOUS.

  • IT'S RIDICULOUS.

  • IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

  • IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

  • IT'S LONG PAST TIME THAT WE START THIS SO WE CAN END THIS

  • RIDICULOUS CHARADE.

  • >> Stephen: YES, LET'S GET STARTED AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,

  • GET PAT CIPOLLONE A THESAURUS.

  • ( AS CIPPOLLONE ) "IT'S RIDICULOUS!

  • OUTRAGEOUS!

  • EGREGIOUS!

  • INIQUITOUS!

  • OOOH, OPPROBRIOUS!

  • IT'S NUTRAGEOUS."

  • >> MR. CIPOLLO MADE THE REPRESENTATION THAT REPUBLICANS

  • WERE NOT EVEN ALLOWED AT DEPOSITIONS CONDUCTED IN THE

  • HOUSE.

  • NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO SUGGEST TO YOU THAT MR. CIPILLONE WOULD

  • MAKE A FALSE SAIMENT.

  • I WILL LEAVE IT TO MR. CIPILONNE TO MAKE THOSE ALLEGATIONS

  • AGAINST OTHERS.

  • BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS, HE IS MISTAKEN.

  • >> I WON'T SAY HE WILL DELIBERATELY TAKE A DUMP ON YOUR

  • DESK AND BLAME IT ON A TALL DOG, BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS-- HIS

  • BELT IS LOOKING MIGHTY LOOSE OVER THERE.

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • HE OWNS A GREAT DANE.

  • SCHIFF MADE IT CLEAR WHY TRUMP'S LAWYERS KEEP ARGUING ABOUT

  • PROCESS.

  • >> EVERY TIME YOU HEAR THEM ATTACKING HOUSE MANAGERSIMENT

  • YOU TO ASK YOURSELF, AWAY FROM WHAT ISSUE ARE THEY TRYING TO

  • DISTRACT ME?

  • WHAT ISSUE CAME UP BEFORE THIS?

  • WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO DEFLECT MY ATTENTION FROM?

  • WHY DON'T THEY HAVE A BETTER ARGUMENT TO MAKE ON THE MERITS?