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  • YOU KNOW FOLKS >> Stephen: AS I SAID BEFORE,

  • WE ARE DAYS AWAY FROM THE IOWA CAUCUSES.

  • CANDIDATES ARE SWARMING THE STATE TO SEE WHAT VOTERS HAVE TO

  • SAY.

  • I WANT TO BE IN IOWA MYSELF.

  • I HAVE TWO PROBLEMS -- ONE, I HAVE A SHOW TO DO EVERY NIGHT

  • AND, TWO, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO IOWA IN JANUARY.

  • COME FEBRUARY, HOLD ME BACK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, LUCKILY, FOR YEARS, TEAM

  • COLBERT HAS BEEN DEVELOPING A REVOLUTIONARY NEW TECHNOLOGY

  • THAT ALLOWS ME TO REMOTELY APPEAR ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET.

  • IT'S CALLED THE ASCOMATIC.

  • WE TAKE A TRASH PHUKET AND AFFIX TO IT AN iPad, WITH HOT GLUE

  • TECHNOLOGY.

  • THEN WE GET ONE OF MY STAFFERS, GABE -- GABE, COME ON OUT HERE.

  • HI, GABE.

  • >> HI, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR AGREEING TO DO THIS.

  • >> YEAH, OF COURSE.

  • >> Stephen: WE PUT THE BUCKET -- HOLD ON -- ON GABE'S

  • HEAD.

  • IS THAT COMFORTABLE?

  • >> SURE.

  • >> Stephen: NEXT, TAKE A SECOND BUCKET AND, INSIDE OF

  • THIS BUCKET, I'VE GLUED AN iPhone IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

  • ALL I HAVE TO DO IS TURN ON FaceTime, THERE YOU GO, PLACE

  • THIS BUCKET OVER MY HEAD -- AND VOILA!

  • NOW I'M OVER THERE!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL THAT

  • THAT'S NOT STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • HERE, I'LL PROVE IT.

  • WHO HAS TWO THUMBS IN STEPHEN COLBERT'S FACE?

  • THIS GUY.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) IN FACT, THIS PROPRIETARY BUCKET

  • TECHNOLOGY IS SO EFFECTIVE THAT THIS WEEK I USED IT TO GO TO

  • IOWA WITHOUT EVER LEAVING MY COUCH.

  • JIM.

  • >> AHH... DES MOINES, IOWA, IN MID-WINTER.

  • YOU CAN FEEL THE CAUCUS EXCITEMENT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • EVERY FOUR YEARS, JOURNALISTS AND CANDIDATES SUDDENLY CARE

  • ABOUT IOWA, SO THEY FLOCK TO THE ONE PLACE THAT WILL DECIDE THE

  • FUTURE OF OUR REPUBLIC.

  • A DES MOINES DINER.

  • LET'S GO TALK TO SOME VOTERS!

  • >> STEPHEN: HEY, EVERYBODY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

  • >> GOOD MORNING, BEAUTIFUL DAY.

  • >> Stephen: VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE PHYSICALLY WITH YOU

  • PHYSICALLY, ME HERE IN THIS DINER WITH YOU, IN IOWA.

  • WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO CAUCUS FOR?

  • >> ELIZABETH WARREN, POSSIBLY.

  • >> BIDEN, BECAUSE OF HIS EXPERIENCE.

  • >> I'M A YANG GANGER.

  • >> NOT SURE YET, I'M UNDECIDED.

  • >> STEPHEN: IOWA VOTER, CAN I ASK YOU AN IMPORTANT QUESTION?

  • ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH THAT?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> HI, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

  • >> MY NAME IS MIDGE.

  • >> STEPHEN: MIDGE, THAT IS THE MOST IOWA NAME I CAN THINK OF.

  • >> IT IS.

  • I'M NOT FROM IOWA, BUT...

  • >> STEPHEN: OH, YOU'RE NOT?

  • WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

  • >> PHILLY.

  • >> STEPHEN: AND WHY DID YOU COME TO IOWA?

  • WERE YOU FLEEING THE POLICE?

  • >> HUH?

  • >> STEPHEN: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE USE OF MILITARY FORCE

  • IN THE MIDDLE EAST THESE DAYS?

  • I KNOW WE HAVE THE AUTHORIZATION OF FORCE FROM 2002, BUT THE

  • LANDSCAPE AND PEOPLE HAVE REALLY CHANGED, AND I GUESS MY QUESTION

  • IS-- AM I A CARTOON MOUSE RIGHT NOW?

  • BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF THE CARTOON MOUSE FILTER.

  • >> YOU ARE.

  • >> STEPHEN: DAMMIT.

  • >> STEPHEN: AS A NATIVE IOWAN, WHAT ISSUES ARE MOST IMPORTANT

  • TO YOU...

  • I'M...

  • BUFF-ERR-- ING...

  • I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

  • >> YES, YOU ARE!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OH, HOLD ON I NEED

  • TO RECHARGE MY BATTERY.

  • (SNORES) >> STEPHEN: OKAY, ONE, TWO,

  • THREE.

  • GO!

  • WHOO!

  • WHOO!

  • WHOO!

  • (CHEERS) >> YOU GOT ME.

  • >> STEPHEN: GOOD EFFORT THOUGH, MAN.

  • IT WORKED!

  • I WAS MEETING IOWA VOTERS FROM THE COMFORT OF MY COUCH.

  • MEANWHILE, SOME OF THE DEMOCRATIC FRONT RUNNERS

  • COULDN'T BE THERE BECAUSE THEY WERE STUCK IN THE SENATE FOR THE

  • IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

  • I AM GUESSING THAT IS PRETTY FRUSTRATING.

  • IS IT, ELIZABETH WARREN?

  • >> IT IS.

  • I WISH I COULD BE RIGHT THERE WITH YOU AT THE DINER.

  • >> STEPHEN: BUT YOU KIND OF ARE, THROUGH THE MAGIC OF TECHNOLOGY!

  • YOU CAN ACTUALLY BE IN IOWA AND IN WASHINGTON.

  • ISN'T IT AMAZING?

  • >> ALL SORT OF AMAZING.

  • >> STEPHEN: IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU COULD COME TO IOWA AND SEND

  • SOMEONE WITH A BUCKET ON THEIR HEAD TO THE SENATE?

  • >> I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD MEET MY CONSTITUTIONAL

  • RESPONSIBILITIES, BUT I APPRECIATE YOUR THINKING OF ME.

  • >> STEPHEN: I'M JUST TRYING TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX FOR YOU.

  • OR, INSIDE THE BOX FOR YOU.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> STEPHEN: WITH THE USE OF OUR PATENTED BUCKET-HEAD TECHNOLOGY,

  • SENATOR WARREN WAS ABLE TO INTERACT ONE-ON-ONE WITH IOWA

  • VOTERS.

  • >> GOOD MORNING!

  • OH, THE PANCAKES LOOK GOOD.

  • >> STEPHEN: HAVE YOU MET SENATOR WARREN BEFORE?

  • >> NO, BUT I'VE SEEN YOU IN THE DEBATES.

  • >> STEPHEN: EVERY CANDIDATE WHO COMES TO THE WAVELAND ADDS THEIR

  • NAME TO THE FAMOUS WALL OF SIGNATURES.

  • REMEMBER, YOUR NAME IS ELIZABETH WARREN.

  • >> THAT'S RIGHT.

  • CAN YOU SPELL IT?

  • >> Stephen: YES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU, SENATOR!

  • HAVE A GREAT DAY IN THE IMPEACHMENT TRIALS.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> STEPHEN: IN A WORLD WHERE EVERYONE IS ON THEIR PHONES, IT

  • WAS NICE TO BE ABLE TO TALK FACE-TO-FACE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW WE JUST MET, BUT COULD I

  • GET A HUG?

  • >> YES!

  • >> Stephen: AH, YEAH.

  • UH-HUH!

  • >> STEPHEN: YOU SEE, THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WANTS US TO

  • FOCUS ON OUR DIFFERENCES, BUT IN PERSON, WE CAN RECOGNIZE OUR

  • COMMON HUMANITY.

  • >> Stephen: NICE TO MEET YOU!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AND, REALLY, ISN'T

  • THAT WHAT DEMOCRACY IS ALL ABOUT?

  • TALKING TO PEOPLE IN THE DINER IS GREAT, BUT I WANTED TO GET

  • OUT THERE AND MEET PEOPLE FROM EVERY CORNER OF THE HAWKEYE

  • STATE.

  • KEEP WALKING, GABE, I'VE GOT TO GET MY STEPS IN.

  • FASTER!

  • RUN UP THOSE STAIRS.

  • RUN UP THEM.

  • HERE WE GO!

  • COME ON!

  • ( SINGING ) WHERE IS EVERYONE, GABE?

  • >> IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE, STEPHEN.

  • >> STEPHEN: I'M PERFECTLY WARM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHILE WE DON'T KNOW YET WHO WILL

  • WIN THE IOWA CAUCUS, IT FEELS ENERGIZING TO BE HERE IN DES

  • MOINES, AT THE HEART OF THE ACTION.

  • BECAUSE, YOU SEE, IN THESE DAYS OF ELECTRONIC DISCONNECTION, I

  • THINK IT'S EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAT...

  • WAIT A SECOND, WHERE AM I?

  • GABE?

  • GABE?

  • WHERE DID YOU PUT ME?

  • GABE?

  • I AM SCARED.

  • GAAAAABE!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

  • SAMANTHA BEE.

YOU KNOW FOLKS >> Stephen: AS I SAID BEFORE,

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