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  • FOLKS, BEFORE THE BREAK, I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE BIG

  • DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, BUT IN LIGHTER NEWS, WE'RE ALL GONNA

  • DIE.

  • TODAY, TOP HEALTH OFFICIALS ISSUED DIRE WARNINGS ABOUT

  • THE CORONAVIRUS, OR "COVID 19," AS THE KIDS CALL IT.

  • "YOU VIDDIN'?" NOW, IN A PHONE CONFERENCE WITH

  • REPORTERS, ONE C.D.C. OFFICIAL SAID, "WE ARE ASKING THE

  • AMERICAN PUBLIC TO PREPARE FOR THE EXPECTATION THAT THIS MIGHT

  • BE BAD."

  • WHOAH, DIAL DOWN THE TECHNICAL LANGUAGE, MAN.

  • IT'S LIKE YOUR DOCTOR SAYING, "WE'VE GOT THE RESULTS OF YOUR

  • TESTS BACK, AND YOU ARE TOTALLY...

  • FROWNY FACE.

  • Xs FOR EYES, TOO."

  • PLUS, WAY TO CALM DOWN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, DOCTOR.

  • REMINDS ME OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF F.D.R.:

  • >> THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS...

  • POLIO!!

  • IT GOT ME, AND NOW IT'S COMING FOR YOU!!

  • RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!

  • I'M CONTAGIOUS!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: UP UNTIL NOW, THE

  • CORONAVIRUS HAS MOSTLY BEEN RESTRICTED TO CHINA AND PEOPLE

  • WHO HAVE TRAVELED TO CHINA.

  • BUT NOW, THE C.D.C. OFFICIAL BELIEVES THE VIRUS IS HEADED

  • HERE, TELLING REPORTERS, "IT'S NOT SO MUCH OF A QUESTION OF IF

  • THIS WILL HAPPEN IN THIS COUNTRY ANY MORE BUT A QUESTION OF WHEN

  • THIS WILL HAPPEN."

  • BUT I'M SURE THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

  • RIGHT, JON?

  • >> Jon: WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE FINE, STEPHEN.

  • I THINK WE'RE GONNA BE GOOD.

  • I THINK WE'RE GONNA BE REAL GOOD.

  • >> Stephen: YOU LOOK GOOD.

  • >> Jon: YEAH!

  • >> Stephen: THE C.D.C. OFFICIAL EXPLAINED HOW FAMILIES COULD

  • GET READY FOR THE OUTBREAK, SUGGESTING, "YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR

  • CHILDREN'S SCHOOLS ABOUT THEIR PLANS FOR SCHOOL DISMISSALS OR

  • SCHOOL CLOSURES.

  • ASK ABOUT PLANS FOR TELESCHOOL."

  • YES, "TELESCHOOL," OR AS WE CALLED IT BACK IN MY DAY, A

  • GRILLED CHEESE AND "THE PRICE IS RIGHT."

  • ( APPLAUSE ) "NOT FEELING GOOD TODAY, MOM.

  • NOT FEELING GOOD.

  • I THINK I BETTER TELESCHOOL TODAY, MOM."

  • FEAR OF THE CORONAVIRUS IS ALREADY RAVAGING WALL STREET.

  • ON MONDAY, THE DOW TUMBLED MORE THAN 1,000 POINTS, WHICH WAS ITS

  • THIRD-WORST POINT DROP IN HISTORY, EFFECTIVELY ERASING ALL

  • GAINS FOR 2020.

  • THIS IS HORRIBLE ECONOMIC NEWS.

  • ALSO, CAN I ERASE ALL MY GAINS FROM 2020 IN ONE DAY?

  • BECAUSE I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF STRESS BAKING.

  • THEN JUST TODAY, THE DOW CLOSED DOWN BY ALMOST 900 POINTS.

  • GOOD LORD!

  • IF IT GOES ANY LOWER, I'LL HAVE TO FIND OUT WHAT "A DOW" IS

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IS A DOW A DOLLAR?

  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT A DOW IS.

  • ONE MAN DOESN'T SEEM TOO WORRIED: DONALD TRUMP.

  • DURING MONDAY'S 1,000-POINT PLUMMET, HE TWEETED, "THE

  • CORONAVIRUS IS VERY MUCH UNDER CONTROL IN THE U.S.A.

  • WE ARE IN CONTACT WITH EVERYONE AND ALL RELEVANT COUNTRIES.

  • C.D.C. AND WORLD HEALTH HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD AND VERY

  • SMART.

  • STOCK MARKET STARTING TO LOOK VERY GOOD TO ME!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DO NOT HIRE TRUMP AS A

  • PARAMEDIC.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "THIS PATIENT LOOKS VERY GOOD TO

  • ME.

  • WELL, AT LEAST HIS TORSO.

  • I'LL GET BACK TO YOU IF WE EVER FIND HIS LIMBS.

  • ALSO, I'M HEARING SOME AWESOME THINGS ABOUT THIS HARVEY

  • WEINSTEIN GUY.

  • GETTING A LOT OF FREE PUBLICITY LATELY.

  • ANYWAY, ALL ABOARD THE HINDENBURG!

  • LOOKING NICE AND TOASTY UP THERE, GUYS!"

  • NOW THERE'S A REASON-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • SEE.

  • THERE'S A REASON TRUMP IS TRYING TO DOWNPLAY THE CORONAVIRUS

  • FEARS: IF THE C.D.C. IS RIGHT ABOUT THIS OUTBREAK, IT MIGHT BE

  • HIS FAULT, BECAUSE IN 2018, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION FIRED THE

  • GOVERNMENT'S ENTIRE PANDEMIC RESPONSE CHAIN OF COMMAND.

  • TRUMP DID NOT REPLACE THEM.

  • SO, CURRENTLY, OUR PANDEMIC RESPONSE TEAM IS IVANKA AND A

  • BOTTLE OF AIRBORNE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SHE LOOKS GOOD.

  • SHE LOOKS GOOD WITH THE LAB COAT.

  • IT'S VERY FLATTERING.

  • THE OUTBREAK HAS ALREADY AFFECTED PLANS FOR THIS SUMMER'S

  • OLYMPICS.

  • "TOKYO OLYMPIC ORGANIZERS HAVE UNTIL LATE MAY TO SEE IF THE

  • VIRUS IS UNDER CONTROL.

  • IF NOT," EXPERTS SAY, "YOU'RE PROBABLY LOOKING AT A

  • CANCELLATION."

  • >> Audience: OOOH!

  • >> Stephen: I FEEL SO BAD FOR THOSE OLYMPIANS.

  • THEY'VE SPENT THEIR WHOLE LIVES PREPARING TO BONE EACH OTHER IN

  • THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE.

  • NOW, NOW AT BEST, THEY'LL HAVE TO TELE-BONE.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALSO GOES NICE WITH A GRILLED

  • CHEESE.

  • ARE YOU HAPPY?

  • ARE YOU HAPPY?

  • HAPPY LITTLE BOY OVER THERE.

  • THE SOMBER ANNOUNCEMENT WAS MADE BY I.O.C. OFFICIAL DICK POUND.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHICH I UNDERSTAND IS ALSO ONE

  • OF THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

FOLKS, BEFORE THE BREAK, I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE BIG

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