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  • WELCOME, MY FRIENDS, TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • TONIGHT-- YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE EXCITED BECAUSE

  • TONIGHT IS THE NICE!

  • IT'S SUPER TUESDAY, THE BIGGEST HAUL-- THE BIGGEST HAUL OF THE

  • PRIMARY SEASON WHERE TONIGHT THE LION'S SHARE OF THE DELEGATES

  • WERE AWARDED TO... SOMEONE I ASSUME.

  • BECAUSE AS WE TAPE THIS, THE RESULTS AREN'T IN YET.

  • BUT IT'S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN COMPLETE IGNORANCE TO STOP ME

  • FROM TALKING ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:

  • >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

  • >> I BEAT TRUMP!

  • >> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

  • >> I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN LIKE A DRUM.

  • >> BING, BING, BONG, BONG.

  • >> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE 2020: SUPER TUESDAY SENIOR

  • CITIZEN SELECTMAN DOWN.

  • IT ALL DEPENDS ON TONIGHT TO ENSURE VICTORY 2020.

  • >> I DROPPED OUT!

  • >> Stephen: WE WANT TO WELCOME OUR NEW SPONSORS.

  • THE BIG STORY COMING INTO TONIGHT WAS THAT THE MODERATES

  • ARE CONSOLIDATING BEHIND JOE BIDEN.

  • YES, THE MODERATES ARE CONSOLIDATING.

  • WE ARE REACHING EXTREME LEVELS OF CENTRISM!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) JIM, LET'S GET A NEW READING

  • FROM THE "LATE SHOW" POLIT-IT-GRAPH.

  • >> MEH.

  • >> Stephen: WITH EVERYBODY WHO'S DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE-- AND

  • THIS IS TRUE-- AT 11 YEARS OLD JOE BIDEN IS NOW THE YOUNGEST

  • MAN VYING FOR THE DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION.

  • KEEP IN MIND-- 77.

  • KEEP IN MIND THAT THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR MEN IS ABOUT

  • 76.

  • ASK SO, IF ONE OF THESE DEMOCRATIC

  • MEN GETS ELECTED, YOU KNOW HIS FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE IS GOING TO

  • BE CHECKING OFF THE BUCKET LIST.

  • "MY FELLOW AMERICANS, IN MY FIRST 100 DAYS, I WILL LEARN TO

  • SURF.

  • I WILL BIKE A MOIK.

  • , AND I WILL MAKE OUT WITH ANGIE DICKENSON.

  • POLICE WOMAN, I LOVE YOU!

  • " LAST NIGHT, BIDEN RACKED UP TWO

  • BIG ENDORSEMENTS: FORMER SOUTH BEND MAYOR AND BUSINESS

  • PINOCCHIO, PETE BUTTIGIEG; ALONG WITH MINNESOTA SENATOR AND MOM

  • BEING SUPPORTIVE AFTER YOU BLEW THE DANCE RECITAL, AMY

  • KLOBUCHAR.

  • KLOBUCHAR TOOK THE STAGE AND ANNOUNCED HER SUPPORT FOR JOE.

  • >> TODAY, I AM ENDING MY CAMPAIGN AND ENDORSING JOE BIDEN

  • FOR PRESIDENT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CANNOT THINK OF A BETTER WAY

  • TO END MY CAMPAIGN THAN JOINING HIS.

  • >> Stephen: YOU CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO END YOUR

  • CAMPAIGN?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DID YOU THINK ABOUT WINNING?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WE KNEW BUTTIGIEG AND

  • KLOBUCHAR WERE GOING TO ENDORSE BIDEN, BUT THEN THE VICE

  • PRESIDENT INTRODUCED A SURPRISE GUEST.

  • >> THERE'S ONE MORE PERSON I WANT TO THANK A, MAN WHO

  • ELECTRIFIED THIS STATE AND NATION.

  • ONE OF THE MOST INCREDIBLE RUNS FOR THE UNITED STATES SENATE

  • WE HAVE EVER SEEN, HERE IN THIS STATE AND WHO DEMONSTRATED

  • ENORMOUS COMPASSION AND COURAGE IN THE WAKE OF THE SHOOTING AT

  • EL PASO, A MAN WITH AN UNLIMITED FUTURE, A MAN WHO WILL BE

  • CHANGING THIS NATION FOR THE BETTER FOR MANY YEARS TO COME.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, BETO O'ROURKE!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW, BETO'S BACK,

  • TOO?

  • THIS IS LIKE A REUNION OF "FRIENDS" IF SOME OF THE FRIENDS

  • WERE GONE LONGER THAN OTHERS AND NONE OF THEM WERE FRIENDS.

  • BY THROWING IN WITH BIDEN, BETO, AMY, AND PETE, THEY'RE AGING TO

  • SLOW BERNIE SANDERS.

  • >> GOOD LUCK WITH THAT BECAUSE YOU'LL NEED IT.

  • I MOVE AT ONE SPEED ONLY-- DETERMINED LUNCH.

  • I LEAN IN.

  • I'M LIKE A GLACIER IN LOW GEAR."

  • IN RESPONSE, LAST NIGHT, SANDERS HELD A RALLY IN AMY KLOBUCHAR'S

  • HOME STATE OF MINNESOTA AND WELCOMED THEIR SUPPORTERS TO HIS

  • CAMPAIGN.

  • >> TO ALL OF AMY AND PETE'S MILLIONS OF SUPPORTERS, THE DOOR

  • IS OPEN.

  • COME ON IN.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "BUT ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE, CLOSE

  • THE DAMN DOOR!

  • YOU'RE LETTING THE HEAT OUT.

  • WHAT, DO YOU THINK WE'RE MADE OF MONEY?

  • ROLL UP A TOWEL AND SHOVE IT IN THE BOTTOM."

  • TRUMP ALSO HELD A RALLY LAST NIGHT.

  • HE WAS IN SUPER TUESDAY STATE NORTH CAROLINA, AND HE

  • PANDERED IN A REALLY WEIRD WAY.

  • >> YOU KNOW ERIC AND LARA NAMED THEIR DAUGHTER.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT HER NAME IS?

  • CAROLINA.

  • CAROLINA, HER NAME IS CAROLINA FOR A

  • REASON.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FOR A REASON?

  • ARE HIS GRANDKIDS NAMED AFTER THINGS HE NEEDS TO WIN

  • REELECTION?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( AS TRUMP )

  • "THESE ARE MY GRANDDAUGHTERS, CAROLINA AND PENNSYLVANIA.

  • THOSE ARE MY GRANDSONS, VOTER SUPPRESSION, RUST BELT COAL

  • MINER WHO VOTES AGAINST HIS ECONOMIC SELF-INTEREST, AND

  • OF COURSE, AND OF COURSE, LITTLE KU KLUX KENNY."

  • I LOVE YOU.

  • TAKES AFTER HIS GRANDPA.

  • SPEAKING OF THE CORONAVIRUS, IT HAS NOW BEEN FOUND IN AT LEAST

  • 15 STATES.

  • YESTERDAY, TRUMP MET WITH TOP EXECS FROM BIG PHARMA TO SHOW

  • HE'S ON TOP OF THE CRISIS.

  • >> WE HAVE NOBODY IN THIS COUNTRY VACCINATED FOR

  • CORONAVIRUS RIGHT NOW.

  • SO THAT IF IT-- >> THE SAME VACCINE COULD NOT

  • WORK.

  • YOU TAKE A SOLID FLU VACCINE, YOU DON'T THINK THAT WOULD HAVE

  • AN IMPACT OR MUCH OF AN IMPACT ON CORONA?

  • >> NO.

  • >> PROBABLY NONE.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "SO A REGULAR-- A REGULAR FLU

  • VACCINE WON'T WORK?

  • HUH, WEIRD.

  • WHAT ABOUT A SOLID FLU VACCINE?

  • I'M TALKING TOP-SHELF, ADMIRAL CLASS.

  • NOW, WHAT ABOUT CIRCLE DOT COOTIE SHOT?

  • WHAT ABOUT THAT?

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • HOW ABOUT THIS I GOT-- NO, QUIET.

  • HOW ABOUT THIS?

  • A BOX OF BAND-AIDS.

  • I'M TALKING THE GOOD ONES.

  • 'FROZEN 2,' ALL ELSA.

  • THROW AWAY THE ANNAS.

  • THEY DON'T WORK, OKAY.

  • TRY IT?

  • WILL YOU TRY IT?" THE PROBLEM IS, WE HAVE NO IDEA

  • HOW FAR CORONAVIRUS HAS ACTUALLY SPREAD IN THE UNITED STATES.

  • AS OF LAST WEEK, THE C.D.C. HAD TESTED JUST UNDER 500 AMERICANS

  • WITH SUSPECTED INFECTIONS.

  • OTHER NATIONS HAVE TESTED PATIENTS BY TENS OF THOUSANDS.

  • CHINA HAS PROBABLY TESTED MILLIONS.

  • WE'RE SO FAR BEHIND OTHER NATIONS, IT'S EMBARRASSING.

  • WE'RE LIKE THE FRIEND WHO JUST NOW IS SAYING, "GUYS, I STARTED

  • THIS SHOW CALLED 'GAME OF THRONES.'

  • I THINK IT'S GONNA CATCH ON.

  • I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHO WINS THE THRONE GAME.

  • I BET IT'S NED STARK.

  • I'M ON EPISODE ONE."

  • OF COURSE, THERE ARE PLENTY OF WAYS YOU CAN STAY SAFE FROM

  • CORONAVIRUS, LIKE HANDWASHING.

  • EXPERTS SAY YOU HAVE TO SCRUB FOR A MINIMUM OF 20 SECONDS.

  • THAT'S A LOT OF TIME.

  • THAT'S TIME I COULD BE SPENDING WITH MY FAMILY...

  • SPREADING THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TO HELP YOU WASH LONG ENOUGH,

  • EXPERTS HAVE SUGGESTED HUMMING A SONG THAT'S ABOUT 20 SECONDS

  • LONG.

  • THEY SAY THAT 20 SECONDS IS ABOUT THE EQUIVALENT OF SINGING

  • "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" TWICE.

  • BUT ANY 20-SECOND REFRAIN WORKS.

  • SO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE ALREADY SICK AND DON'T WANT TO

  • SPREAD IT TO OTHERS, I RECOMMEND:

  • (SINGING TO "HOT BLOODED") ♪ HOT BLOODED

  • CHECK IT AND SEE ♪ I GOT A FEVER OF 103

  • COME ON, BABY, DO YOU DO MORE THAN DANCE?

  • HOT-BLOODED, HOT BLOODEDVERY SICK.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OR--

  • OR, AT THE VERY LEAST, HOW ABOUT (SINGING TO "MY SHARONA")

  • MUH-MUH-MUH VIRUS

  • THANK YOU.

  • >> Jon: THAT WAS A NICE ONE.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • THE MAIN REASON FOR HANDWASHING IS THAT YOU DON'T WANT GERMS

  • REACHING YOUR FACE ZONE, WHICH IS WHY EXPERTS KEEP SAYING THIS:

  • >> KEEP YOUR FINGERTIPS AWAY FROM YOUR EYES.

  • >> TOUCH YOUR FACE LESS.

  • >> DON'T TOUCH YOUR EYES OR YOUR FACE WITH YOUR HANDS.

  • >> DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE.

  • >> DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE.

  • >> DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE.

  • >> DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE.

  • >> Stephen: DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE.

  • NO!

  • DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE!

  • NO!

  • BACK, BACK.

  • OF!

  • ED ABOUT GOOD AND LATER I'LL LET YOU TOUCH SOMETHING NICE.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES--

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOMETIMES, THE BEST WAY TO KEEP

  • THE VIRUS FROM SPREADING IS TO JUST SHUT THINGS DOWN.

  • FOR EXAMPLE, TWO NEW YORK SCHOOLS CLOSED TODAY OVER

  • CORONAVIRUS FEARS.

  • THE SAR ACADEMY AND SAR HIGH SCHOOL.

  • OOOH, SO CLOSE TO THE WORD "SARS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THERE HASN'T BEEN AN OUTBREAK

  • THIS IRONIC SINCE THE CLOSURE OF HERPE HIGH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

  • TONIGHT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANTHONY MACKIE IS HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"

  • PLEASE JOIN US.

WELCOME, MY FRIENDS, TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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