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  • Hello, my friends.

  • You'll remember the lithe chapel.

  • Sometimes in the shows you like to see.

  • Well, they gave me my own show, discuss achievements and celebrate with awards.

  • Other shows don't give whether it's Jimmy's celebrity, the least essential body part.

  • This week, like every other week, I'm joined in the kitchen by my mom.

  • Surely I'll be deciding the winners off these prestigious Lucas Awards.

  • But first, to provide the nominations.

  • Will you please welcome my guests, Jason Way to show you my favorite German comedian.

  • Most popular award ceremonies in Germany?

  • Well, we've just recently awarded ourselves Europe.

  • Theo Germany.

  • Compared to Britain, we don't really have that many awards ceremonies because hardworking itself is seen as a reward.

  • Thank you for coming on the show on to our first award off the night.

  • Now all nations have something to be proud about.

  • Don't leave your French is your cuisine.

  • If you're American, it's your fireman.

  • If you Swiss is Toblerone and Nazi gold, but which countries are so full of themselves?

  • There's barely room to put your suitcase nominations, please, for the Nukus, for smug assed nation off people, this leads the Chinese Andre, the English So the nominations for smugglers Nation of people are the Swedes, the Chinese on the English.

  • So, Jason, why have you come for the Swedes?

  • I find them.

  • I'm just a bit sort of our of our brilliant economy.

  • We're really, really efficient and good luck in.

  • And they're sort of like Germans aboutthe reindeer.

  • Well, out of order.

  • I mean, how could you eat reindeer?

  • What's going on?

  • The market in Christmas, Mom.

  • Christmas.

  • Sorry, we're not going towards this year because Swedes at all the rain is chaos.

  • Mark.

  • Like find off, be a 10.

  • Quit.

  • Let's mark whichever way you look at it.

  • I mean, you're saying, Look, we're so rich.

  • We can afford that, or you'll go always so beautiful.

  • We don't need any beer goggles way.

  • Don't have some things here that Sweden is actually famous for in my box.

  • Let's have a look.

  • Course.

  • Abba.

  • Yeah.

  • You haven't heard of them?

  • They were like a kind of Swedish bucks fizz the on board, of course.

  • Get a bloody air.

  • Got man, You're about to meet the Duchess of Kent.

  • What else we got here, sweetie?

  • Chef, of course.

  • Still easier to understand than Jamie Oliver on Need I even say it?

  • Of course.

  • Like you say no more.

  • You shopping?

  • I don't go by here because I use the Lightman colonies.

  • And now Bye bye, Bond.

  • Hello, Billy Bookcase thinks that being smoke again, they're going.

  • This is how you living room should look, if you weren't such a scruffy bastard and then the room in four hours a day and then try and win you back with a cheap up Doug, have you ever been to that?

  • They can't keep said it would keep saying I cared.

  • We get done, you see, because there's this thing called undue prominence where they don't mind, they love it.

  • But it's all the other companies like the f s going on.

  • Why don't you rubbish us forbidden.

  • I have been toe flat pack self assembly, shop on on, made a purchase on like everybody else gone back to get the key that I Last thing I got from my gear was a bookcase, and it had a little pictorial thing on the instructions.

  • And it was a picture of a man opening the box.

  • Then the man looking like that and then the man on the phone booth.

  • Thank you very much.

  • I'm handing.

  • Tell us why you've opted for the Chinese, For starters, you know, they they're symbol.

  • I'll write themselves like a box.

  • You know, if you were to draw telly and then a stick through it So and that's essentially that translate themselves as Middle Kingdom.

  • Right?

  • So And if you say your descent off us, we're not even a bridge.

  • Still dead.

  • Come on.

  • You've got China right in the middle.

  • So that is pretty smart.

  • But I'm not that bothered about them being smoke.

  • What I don't like about him, You say they're so dangerous, right?

  • They're going to take over one day.

  • They're going to take over because they get up early in the morning.

  • The time difference works in their favor on that one.

  • We're going to take over.

  • Listen, listen, We have to win your come now.

  • People in Britain last in America, that would make me President Theo have the biggest population in the world.

  • Don't know one billion people.

  • And that is why we need to united Europe.

  • We don't need.

  • I mean, there's all Britain is always going already know in Europe we'll get a bloody map off course.

  • We're gonna have a look now at what the Chinese have given the world.

  • Got another box here?

  • Okay, look, Piper.

  • So they can print there.

  • Lying maps invented the noodle, which is a kind of prototype pot noodles.

  • Of course.

  • On.

  • Of course, we will know about Chinese whispers.

  • There we go.

  • Way invented the number 46 with rice Way.

  • Very impressive.

  • Well, we are joined in the studio by someone off the Chinese persuasion.

  • Stewart who?

  • Where?

  • Stuart you are.

  • I spotted you, Henning.

  • These comments wounded your sense of national pride.

  • Not really, but a little bit.

  • Not not accuracy.

  • I think incense off, talking about smart.

  • You have to divide into people and the nation.

  • Me?

  • I'm not smoke.

  • It all been a bit about that.

  • But you know, if you talk about the nation's, then yes, a little bit Smuggle.

  • You think you are you upset with heading which it would you still welcome into China?

  • Absolutely.

  • I would recommend some good restaurant which has a proper German style Chinese food for you.

  • Weigh now, Graham, before you tell us why you've opted for the English.

  • Yeah, as your smug destination.

  • I should just establish that even though I would say you speak with an English accent, you are actually from Scotland.

  • Is that right?

  • I am.

  • Yeah.

  • By nominating the English, I'm kind of playing the Scottish race card.

  • Insolence.

  • Smartness.

  • Feeling pleased with yourself with good reason on the smugness I don't like is feeling pleased with yourself for no good reason.

  • And I think the English a pretty guilty of that.

  • Whereas in Scotland, they got a much better health service.

  • Might do.

  • They need it.

  • They look after the old people much better.

  • They don't have quite so many great legal system.

  • Great education system.

  • And they've got the highland reel and tossing the cable.

  • Where Britain, England has Morris dancing and darts think assignation.

  • It's full of smug people.

  • I mean, you know Jeremy.

  • Kyle, I've actually got a smug ometer here with Mom.

  • Uh, okay.

  • Thank you very much indeed.

  • Yes, this is the thermometer it goes from.

  • Know that smug too?

  • Yeah.

  • Bit smug.

  • So yeah.

  • Smug to proper cocky to that.

  • Really pushing it now.

  • Too unbearable to Clarkson.

  • Ah, selection of things that we think typify England.

  • All right, and perhaps you can tell us where you think the various candidates sits.

  • So this is the 1st 1 The real ale drinkers.

  • They, uh yes, Mark.

  • Yeah, sort of.

  • They are there because they have to drink this stuff.

  • These people are like, Oh, it's not a proper drink unless it's been filtered through a budgets.

  • Foreskin.

  • Got that?

  • What?

  • You mean, okay.

  • The royal family.

  • Well, now they have smugness thrust upon them.

  • Okay?

  • Letting their smug through choice.

  • I put them.

  • Not that smart.

  • This is This is because that woman just give you the baby.

  • I haven't got an OBE middle class.

  • People who go to Provence, I don't know.

  • Many middle class people go to Provence, but I would guess they are pretty smart.

  • I would wake up and say they were proper cop Robert Cutty.

  • You mentioned him earlier.

  • Here he is.

  • Jeremy.

  • Kyle, that was just We should look on National.

  • I don't want to clutter up too much room for very long, because just in case it was unbearable.

  • He's unbearable.

  • Yes.

  • Who would you put on the list?

  • Mom, I think you might quite agree with me on this one.

  • Manchester United.

  • Anyone who drives a Prius and has organic vegetables delivered by today, It's time for me to decide who will win the Lucas for smug.

  • It's nation of People, Graham.

  • I take your point, but I have a concern when you consider how smug the English are already without hardly ever winning anything.

  • Just imagine how smug we be if we actually got this even Jason, Thanks for your argument.

  • Unfortunately, I was unable to understand what you said because of your northern dialect tones of innovation.

  • The Chinese invented printing gunpowder, which were pretty good, but they have set back on their laurels Since then, we've only really had sweet and sour pork to get our interest.

  • For that reason, I think Lucas Force muggers Nation of people has to go to the Chinese Well.

  • Last night was great, wasn't it?

  • Just one person's gone about 30.

  • Lt wasn't about to just take 50 million from 15 time for another award wanting it.

  • I just like the classical stuff, like crying harlequin or airbrushed unicorn.

  • I like modern works, too, like photo of tennis girl scratching us master talents.

  • Have our guests been hiding?

  • Let's find out as we seek to award a Lucas for most artistic guest.

  • If you'd like to, uh, take your places, please.

  • I want to choose a subject that would stimulate everyone's artistic juices.

  • So will you please welcome our life model?

  • OK, if you'd like to pick up your pads, you may begin drawing now.

  • These do joining at home.

  • E never done this before.

  • You have.

  • How much this one get paid to do something like this?

  • Not enough.

  • OK, David, Let's look at how you're getting on, right?

  • Are you trying to say with this piece, I actually have no memory of doing this?

  • I'm quite impressed by the speed of you you're doing.

  • You're quite impulsive.

  • Well, in the end off today, everyone looks the same, isn't it?

  • To ice?

  • One knows one miles.

  • Hey, on the whole house, Graham, you draw a lot.

  • You paint a lot.

  • Is this an unusual subject for you?

  • I have actually drawn a gentleman like this before.

  • Did he know you were drawing in there?

  • Let's have a look at what some of the audience is doing.

  • Very nice.

  • That's pathetic.

  • That's good.

  • But it's like a different person.

  • Don't talk about it.

  • Let's see how we're doing here, Jason.

  • What's that?

  • Well, I'm quite low down.

  • So, um, I realized I was so good.

  • I mean, that's a hell of a stool sample.

  • Okay?

  • What do you think of hers?

  • For the fact that the drawing it's all right.

  • She's made it.

  • I think I saw a slot in the under thought with yes accusation.

  • And I hope you're enjoying this month.

  • You like the older gentleman yourself.

  • Don't you see a bit of fun here?

  • Let's go.

  • Shame.

  • Time's up around her.

  • Pulls from a booth.

  • Well, it's time to decide on the winner for the most artistic guests Now, sadly, Tony Heart is no longer with us.

  • But I'm delighted to welcome the next best thing.

  • Please give it up for more.

  • Good evening and welcome.

  • Thank you very much more for agreeing to judge this award.

  • Yeah, well, I'm not really into art, To be honest, that's more.

  • Tony's department didn't recognize it.

  • If you filled out a little bit, I mean, like, spread it.

  • Put on a bit of now before you decide on the winner, let's have a look at what our guests have drawn.

  • So heading tell us about your piece.

  • What?

  • Essentially I did this.

  • I looked at the modern.

  • Yeah, on.

  • Then I saw that models got ahead, and then I went and started with this circle.

  • Wears on top here?

  • Yes.

  • So that I knew that one on your which way round on, then?

  • I just worked my way down.

  • Really?

  • What are you gonna call your piece, honey?

  • Dave?

  • Way.

  • And perhaps you could show us your piece and tell us what went through your tiny mind when I was doing a little still life of this coffee table with a teapot on it.

  • This bloke got in the way.

  • I call this still life obscured.

  • Thank you very much, Graham.

  • Finally, Jason, I see you've added some texture to Yeah, like, Well, that a bit of time.

  • Still that it's like a fool.

  • Probably thought add more paper than I did.

  • Do you have a name for this piece?

  • I'm gonna just call it simply still more seen all the artwork here you're gonna give this award to Well, you see, I don't really take much to this modern art.

  • I mean a lot what I like and I know, like, Okay, and I think it's gonna have to be finished.

  • A grand God, Mr Graham Garden.

  • That way, ladies and gentlemen, OK, on to our final award.

  • I'm football crazy.

  • I'm football mad.

  • I'm football psychotic.

  • I'm working on my mental health issues with a qualified psychiatrist.

  • We got some way to go, but he feels we're making progress.

  • Yes, next round is about football songs, but we're not interested in the classics or no.

  • We want to hear your nominations, please, For the Lucas, for dreadful it's football song ever sung Diamond Lights by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Far away in America by village people and Dodgers, responded Sonam Graham spends fence fen by Belle and Sperling.

  • So the nominations for the dreadful is football song ever sung are diamond lights far away in America on dhe Sven Sven Sven.

  • So first up, Jason's nomination, Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle played together at Tottenham and in 1987 reached number 12 in the charts with this.

  • What do you think Glenn Hoddle did wrong in a former life to have to come?

  • I guess you're not.

  • He's out Seriously taken.

  • Any of the football song looks like that is going or a load of lads Rather laugh there taking it like that.

  • Thinking right, the football's over.

  • Forget Glenn.

  • Leave the football now this is our new career path.

  • What Producers?

  • Lots of football is gone thanks to a really good footballers.

  • Let's say what I want to see.

  • I wanna see if they can sing.

  • You don't like girls aloud and go They make you go back for I think most of what little was done in the past.

  • I will not forgive that song Now, Jason, I'm having a problem working out whether this is a dreadful song or actually a wonderful song.

  • Just dreadfully, son, I think the only way to find out is to hear this song sung by someone else and run with me on this.

  • I think we need to hear this song, son, by the person who was nominated it.

  • So if you like to join me over Theo But tonight please welcome Glenn Hoddle and Chris Model with diamond lights.

  • I was a breeze wait for it comes in now, Stone May somebody very unmemorable Wait, You and I, You and I are both very very accomplished singers struggled without did because it's a very, very unmemorable tune.

  • It's awful.

  • Yes.

  • Offers got nothing going for, It's all.

  • I mean, the fact has not been covered by anybody on X factor.

  • Well, listen, the worst.

  • The rendition.

  • I think the greater the chance that your nominations gonna win.

  • So take heart from that Henning you have chosen far away in America.

  • By day, village people dare deutscher for sport.

  • National Mannschaft, is that correct?

  • Yeah, thatwas okay, that's an a d.

  • So let's have a look at a clip.

  • Wait.

  • No British viewers get to smoke.

  • That was from the World Cup in 1994 when no British sides qualified.

  • However, before all German viewers get too smug, you did get knocked out in the quarterfinals.

  • Bible.

  • Gary Henning.

  • I know that the World Cup took place in America.

  • Yeah, but even so, how did this travesty happened?

  • Was named a busy finally shaving her armpits that day.

  • They wanted to create an authentic song on there.

  • So we're going to America.

  • Then let's sing a song with some Yanks but is ridiculous, isn't it?

  • Because, I mean, the sing is the song is quite good, isn't because it's catching the team seemed to have fun singing it, so there's nothing wrong with that.

  • But there is intrinsically something very, very wrong.

  • If you don't sing in your own language.

  • It's the same nonsense that we had in 2010 when Lena, on the Eurovision song contest for Germany, always said a triumph for Germany when she sings in English.

  • Timeto win the Eurovision song contest.

  • Singing in a foreign language is every little bit.

  • It's ridiculous.

  • It's trying to win the football World Cup with the phone manager out that you have happy memories of that World Cup.

  • How could we?

  • Can we crash out in a quarterfinal country that don't even exist?

  • Henning, I still can't judge this.

  • I'm gonna need for you to sing this song.

  • Perhaps you can also join us Graham and Jason as we go over to the performance area.

  • Is that right?

  • Way in America?

  • Please welcome the village people When your heart arrives in America.

  • You know the game is on change in America.

  • It's a three way.

  • Wait away.

  • Wait, wait, wait.

  • Welcome back.

  • Welcome back.

  • Welcome back to the sofa.

  • Well connected.

  • You're disgusted by what start handing Sang in English.

  • Now you've chosen, Spend, spend spend, which is a tribute to the then England manager Sven Goran Eriksson.

  • Now this reached number seven in the charts in October 2001.

  • Let's take a look at the video, Sandora and Eric said.

  • He's got a TV set so it gets loved the girlfriend way.

  • Scythe like Just like a man like Slim would look if he wasn't Swedish was five years old, had dark hair, more hair on a different face.

  • What is your issue with this?

  • With this song by issue, apart from the slightly cheesy video, I think we've turned him Belen Sperling.

  • I don't know which club they play for, but I just think football is Shouldn't try and sing songs like that.

  • I feel I want to tell you that.

  • I don't think Belen Sperling with themselves footballers, were they?

  • No, I think they were just men.

  • They looked the type.

  • Where were you heading?

  • When spends England beat Germany 51?

  • Well, for starters, it never happens.

  • And honestly, honestly, it 51 is a flux core line from a football game between England and Germany in the end, both of which did qualify for World Cup 2002.

  • Then any actual tournament.

  • Germany goes on to play the final.

  • Admittedly, we lost and we made it all the way through to the final.

  • England got sent packing weeks before that, and that's why I generally don't know understand the pride about that 51 It's like me walking up to a Russian sailor going.

  • I made starting around 1941 on.

  • I wouldn't do that because he will just turn around and go is starting around 1942.

  • Well, Graham, you know the score.

  • Please take your place in the performance area.

  • Espenson Brain Garden at the Real Bell And Sperling.

  • He's got Jimmy Samples, so I think a friend it's wants a 20 miles for the whole game.

  • Has a corner booth.

  • Sizes sign, friends, fans drink urine, Eric said.

  • Sure, he's a loving, but don't forget the keys sleepyhead in front of my liver and his agents type of something.

  • I don't understand your area right outside.

  • I made some really great bike.

  • We'll have to go between Eric and ladies.

  • Shady lady.

  • Well done.

  • And Graham, does that change your mind at all?

  • Do you know it does, does it?

  • I think that's probably the nicest football song I've ever sung.

  • Really, you know, it's actually making it just like ordinary people.

  • Love Song is going to win the Lucas for the dreadful It's football song ever sung.

  • Well, I think heading far away in America I think your moustache is just slightly coming off there.

  • But I think far away in America is great because it gives us the chance to see the German scored looking really uncomfortable, which is something I rather enjoy way we can get you to spend Spencer.

  • And firstly, because I actually like that song also because they just over there Yes, way.

  • Which means that Lucas, for dreadful is football song ever son has to go.

  • And quite rightly, I think the diamond lights way Just have time to award.

  • The Lucas of Lucas is the special Lucas that this week goes to the most efficient guests.

  • And I wonder who that might go to.

  • I'm feeling it might go to Mr Heading vain.

  • Ladies don't like saying this is a triumph for Europe.

  • Okay, people back home in the fatherland, that will be very delighted on, But what can I say it's has been an absolute pleasure, entail.

  • I it so dressed up for you.

  • Lovely people like a bloody idiot.

  • Thank you very much.

  • Congratulations way have timeto thank you to all my guests.

  • Heading vain.

  • Graeme Garden.

  • Jason Manford.

  • That's it.

  • There's nothing to see.

  • A show which was rendered perfectly.

  • So you didn't like it?

  • Why not just sell TV?

  • Turn your back on your empty city life, but by a body for just you alone.

  • Booth.

  • They are?

  • Yes.

  • Mark.

  • Yeah, sort of way are there because they have to drink this stuff.

  • These people are like, Oh, it's not proper.

  • Jingle s has been filtered through a budgets.

  • Foreskin.

  • What you mean?

  • Okay?

  • The royal family.

  • Well, now they have smugness thrust upon them.

  • Okay?

  • Letting their smug through choice.

  • I put them not that smart.

  • This is This is because that woman just give you the baby.

  • Yeah, I haven't got an OBE middle class people who go to Provence, I don't know.

  • Many middle class people go to Provence, but I would guess they are pretty smart.

  • I would wake up and say they were proper cop Robert Cutty.

  • You mentioned him earlier Here is Jeremy.

  • Kyle.

  • That was just we should look on National.

  • I don't want to clutter up too much room for very long because just in case it was unbearable.

  • He's unbearable.

  • Yes.

  • Who would you put on the list?

  • Mom, I think you know, I quite agree with me on this one.

  • Manchester United.

  • Anyone who drives a Prius and has organic vegetables delivered by today.

  • It's time for me to decide who will win the Lucas for smartest nation of people.

  • Graham, I take your point, but I have a concern when you consider how smug the English are already without hardly ever winning anything.

  • Just imagine how smug we be if we actually got this even.

  • Jason, Thanks for your argument.

  • Unfortunately, I was unable to understand what you said because of your northern dialect tones of innovation.

  • The Chinese invented printing gunpowder which were pretty good, but they have set back on their laurels.

  • Since then.

  • We've only really had sweet and sour pork to get our interest.

  • For that reason, I think Lucas Force muggers nation of people, has to go to the Chinese.

  • Theo, actually.

  • Well, last night was great, wasn't it?

  • just one person's gone about 30.

  • Lt wasn't about to just take 50 million from 15.

  • Listen, time for another award wanting it.

  • I just like the classical stuff.

  • Like crying harlequin or airbrushed unicorn.

  • I like modern works too.

  • Like photo of tennis girl scratching off masterly talents.

  • Have our guests been hiding?

  • Let's find out as we seek to award a Lucas for most artistic guest if you'd like to, uh, take your places, please.

  • I wanted to choose a subject that would stimulate everyone's artistic juices.

  • So will you please welcome our life model?

  • Wait, OK, if you'd like to pick up your pads, you may begin drawing now.

  • These do join in at home.

  • E never done this before.

  • You know how much this one get paid to do something like this?

  • Not enough.

  • OK, David, Let's look at how you're getting on, right?

  • I'm trying to say with this piece, I actually have no memory of doing this.

  • I'm quite impressed by the speed of your you're doing.

  • You're quite impulsive.

  • Well, in the end off today, everyone looks the same, isn't it?

  • To ice one knows one mouth.

  • Hey, on the whole house of a gram.

  • You draw a lot.

  • You paint a lot.

  • Is this an unusual subject for you?

  • I have actually drawn a gentleman like this before.

  • Did he know you were drawing in there?

  • Let's have a look at what some of the audience doing.

  • Very nice.

  • That's pathetic.

  • That's good.

  • But it's like a different person.

  • I'm not gonna talk about it.

  • Let's see how we're doing here.

  • Jason.

  • What's that?

  • Well, I'm quite low down.

  • So, um, I realized I was so good.

  • I mean, that's a hell of a stool sample.

  • Okay?

  • What do you think of hers?

  • In the fact that the drawing it's all right.

  • She's made it.

  • Sorry.

  • I started sliding the under thought with yes accusation.

  • And I hope you're enjoying this month.

  • You like the older gentleman yourself.

  • Don't you see a bit of fun here?

  • I shame.

  • Time's up around her clothes from a booth.

  • Well, it's time to decide on the winner for the most artistic guests.

  • Now, sadly, Tony heart is no longer with us.

  • But I'm delighted to welcome the next best thing.

  • Please give it up for more.

  • Good evening and welcome now.

  • Thank you very much.

  • more for agreeing to judge this award.

  • Yeah, well, I'm not really into art, to be honest, that's more Tony's department didn't recognize it.

  • If you filled out a little bit, I mean, like, spread it.

  • Put on a bit of now before you decide on the winner.

  • Let's have a look at what our guests have drawn.

  • So heading.

  • Tell us about your piece.

  • What?

  • Essentially, I did this.

  • I looked at the modern.

  • Yeah, on.

  • Then I saw that models got ahead and then tie.

  • One end Started with this circle on top here?

  • Yes.

  • So that I knew that one on your which way round on, then?

  • I just worked my way down.

  • Really?

  • What are you gonna call your piece, Dave?

  • Way.

  • And perhaps you could show us your piece and tell us what went through your tiny mind when I was doing a little still life with this coffee table with a teapot on it.

  • This bloke got in the way.

  • I call this still life obscured.

  • Thank you very much.

  • Great.

  • Finally, Jason, I see you've added some texture to Yeah, like well out of it a time.

  • We're still that it's like a four.

  • Probably thought add more paper than I did.

  • Do you have a name for this piece?

  • I'm gonna just call it simply still more Seen all the artwork here you're gonna give this award to Well, you see, I don't really take much to this modern art.

  • I mean, I like what I like and I know like, Okay.

  • And I think it's gonna have to be finished.

  • The ground.

  • God!

  • Mr.

  • Grand Garden.

  • That way.

  • A long way from old ladies and gentleman.

  • OK, on to our final award.

  • I'm football crazy.

  • I'm football mad.

  • I'm football psychotic.

  • I'm working on my mental health issues with a qualified psychiatrist.

  • We got some way to go, but he feels we're making progress.

  • Yes, next round is about football songs, but we're not interested in the classics or no.

  • We want to hear your nominations, please.

  • For the Lucas, for dreadful It's football song ever sung Diamond Lights by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Pending Far Away in America by Village People and Dodger from Spinal Tsunami Graham Spend, spend spend by Belle and Sperling.

  • So the nominations for the dreadful is football song ever sung are diamond lights far away in America on dhe Sven Sven Sven.

  • So, first up, Jason's nomination Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle played together at Tottenham and in 1987 reached number 12 in the charts.

  • With this Jason, what do you think Glenn Hoddle did wrong in a former life?

  • To have to come get me or not?

  • He's out seriously taken.

  • Any of the football song looks like that is going for a load of lads.

  • Rather laugh.

  • Take it like that.

  • Thinking right, the football's over.

  • Forget it, Glenn.

  • Leave the football now.

  • This is our new career path.

  • But what producers?

  • Lots of footballers have gone these to a really good footballers.

  • Let's say what I want to see.

  • I want to see if they can sing.

  • You don't like girls aloud and go.

  • They make her go back, for I think it most of what little was done in the past.

  • I will not forgive that song, Jason.

  • I'm having a problem working out whether this is a dreadful song or actually a wonderful song, just dreadfully, son.

  • I think the only way to find out is to hear this song sung by someone else and run with me on this.

  • Okay?

  • I think we need to hear this song, son, by the person who was nominated it.

  • So if you like to join me now, the usual place tonight.

  • Please welcome Glenn Hoddle and Chris Model with diamond lights.

  • I was a breeze Wait a minute now Stone for me.

  • Somebody very unmemorable.

  • Wait, You and I, You and I are both very, very accomplished singers Way struggled without did because it's a very, very unmemorable tune.

  • It's awful.

  • Yes.

  • Offers got nothing going for, It's all.

  • I mean, the fact has not been covered by anybody on X factor.

  • Well, listen, the worst.

  • The rendition.

  • I think the greater the chance that your nominations gonna win.

  • So take heart from that Henning you have chosen far away in America by day, village people dare deutscher for suppose National mannschaft, is that correct?

  • Yeah, that was okay.

  • That's an a d.

  • So let's have a look at a clip.

  • No British viewers get to smoke.

  • That was from the World Cup in 1994 when no British sides qualified.

  • However, before all German viewers get too smug, you did get knocked out in the quarterfinals.

  • Bible Henning I know that the World Cup took place in America.

  • Yeah, but even so, how did this travesty happened?

  • Was named a busy, finally shaving her armpits that day that I wanted to create an authentic song.

  • Hello, my friends.

  • You'll remember the wire on the chapel.

  • Sometimes in the shows you like to see.

  • Well, they gave me my own show.

  • Let's discuss achievements that things those are celebrating you gives the awards.

  • Other shows don't give whether it's jammy, a celebrity or least essential body part.

  • This week, like every other week, I'm joined in the kitchen by my mom.

  • Surely I'll be deciding the winners off these prestigious Lucas Awards.

  • But first to provide the nominations.

  • Will you please welcome my guests, Jason Way to show your pending my favorite German comedian, one of the most popular award ceremonies in Germany?

  • Well, we've just recently awarded ourselves Europe, Theo that in Germany compared to Britain, we don't really have that many awards ceremonies because hardworking itself is seen as a reward.

  • Thank you for coming on the show onto our first award off the night.

  • Now all nations have something to be proud about.

  • Don't leave your French is your cuisine.

  • If you're American, it's your fireman.

  • If your Swiss is Toblerone and Nazi gold, but which countries are so full of themselves, there's barely room to put your suitcase nominations, please.

  • For the Lucas.

  • For smug assed nation off people, this leads the Chinese Andre the English.

  • So the nominations for smugglers Nation of people are the sweets, the Chinese on the English.

  • So, Jason, why have you come for the Swedes?

  • I find them.

  • I'm just a bit sort of our of our brilliant, you know, economy.

  • We're really, really efficient and good luck in.

  • And they're sort of like Germans aboutthe reindeer.

  • Well, out of order.

  • I mean, how could you eat reindeer?

  • What's going on?

  • The market in Christmas, Mom.

  • Christmas.

  • Sorry, we're not going towards this year because Swedes, all the rain is they are smart.

  • You might find off, be a 10.

  • Quit.

  • Let's mark Whichever way you look at it.

  • I mean, you're saying, Look, we're so rich.

  • We can afford that or you'll go always so beautiful.

  • We don't need any beer goggles way Don't have some things here that Sweden is actually famous for.

  • In my box.

  • Let's have a look.

  • Course.

  • Abba.

  • Yeah.

  • You haven't heard of them?

  • They were like a kind of Swedish bucks fizz.

  • Uh, the on board, of course.

  • Get a bloody air.

  • Got man.

  • You're about to meet the Duchess of Kent.

  • What else we got here, sweetie?

  • Chef, of course.

  • Still easier to understand than Jamie Oliver on need.

  • I even say it, of course.

  • Like, say no more.

  • You shopping?

  • I don't go by here because I use the light bank holidays.

  • And now Bye Bye, Bond.

  • Hello, Billy Bookcase place.

  • They're being smoke again.

  • They're going.

  • This is how you're living.

  • Room should look, if you weren't such a scruffy bastard, and then you ruined four hours a day and then try and win you back with a cheap up bug.

  • Have you ever been to that?

  • They can't keep it would keep saying I cared.

  • We get done, You see, because there's this thing called undue prominence where they don't mind, they love it.

  • But it's all the other companies like d f s going on.

  • Why don't you rubbish us forbidden.

  • I have been toe flat pack, self assembly, shop on on, made a purchase on like everybody else gone back to get the key That I Last thing I got from my gear was a bookcase, and it had a little pictorial thing on the instructions.

  • And it was a picture of a man opening the box.

  • Then the man looking like that and then the man on the phone.

  • Thank you very much.

  • I'm handing.

  • Tell us why you've opted for the Chinese, For starters, you know, they they're symbol.

  • I'll write themselves.

  • It's like a box.

  • You know, if you were to draw telly and then a stick through it so and that's essentially that translate themselves as Middle Kingdom.

  • Right?

  • So And if you say your descent off yours, Well, no.

  • Even a bridge still dead.

  • Come on.

  • You've got China right in the middle.

  • So that is pretty smart.

  • But I'm not that bothered about them being smoke.

  • What I don't like about him, you say they're so dangerous, right?

  • They're going to take over one day.

  • They're going to take over because they get up early in the morning.

  • The time difference works in their favor on that one.

  • We're going to take over.

  • Listen, listen way have to Anu come now people in Britain last in America.

  • That would make me President.

  • Theo.

  • Population in the world don't know one billion people.

  • And that is why we need to united Europe.

  • We don't make.

  • Britain is always going already know in Europe.

  • We'll get a bloody map off course.

  • We're gonna have a look now at what the Chinese have given the world.

  • Got another box here.

  • Look, Piper.

  • So they can print there.

  • Lying maps invented the noodle, which is a kind of prototype pot noodle on.

  • Of course, that we'll know about Chinese whispers.

  • There we go.

  • Invented the number 46 with rice Way.

  • Very impressive.

  • Well, we are joined in the studio by someone off the Chinese persuasion.

  • Stuart, where Stuart, you are spotted.

  • You Lenny's comments wounded your sense of national pride.

  • Not really, but a little bit.

  • Not not accuracy.

  • I think incense off, talking about smug.

  • You had to divide into people and the nation.

  • Me, I'm not smoke it off.

  • You've been a bit about.

  • But you know, if you talk about the nation's than a little bit smuggle, you think you are you upset with heading, which it would you still welcome into China.

  • Absolutely.

  • I would recommend some good restaurant which has a proper German style Chinese food for your way.

  • Now, Graham, before you tell us why you've opted for the English.

  • Yeah, as your smug destination, I should just establish that even though I would say you speak with an English accent, you are actually from Scotland.

  • Is that right?

  • I am.

  • Yeah.

  • By nominating the English, I'm kind of playing the Scottish race card.

  • Insolence.

  • Smartness.

  • Feeling pleased with yourself with good reason on the smugness I don't like is feeling pleased with yourself for no good reason.

  • And I think the English are pretty guilty of that.

  • Whereas in Scotland, they got a much better health service.

  • Might be.

  • They need it.

  • They look after the old people much better.

  • They don't have quite so many great legal system rate education system.

  • And they got the highland reel and tossing the cable where Britain England has Morris dancing and darts think assignation.

  • It's full of smug people.

  • I mean, you know Jeremy Kyle.

  • Well, I've actually got a smug ometer here with Mom.

  • Uh, thank you very much indeed.

  • Yes, this is the monitor.

  • It goes from.

  • Know that smug too?

  • Yeah.

  • Bit smug.

  • So, yeah.

  • Smug to proper Cocky to not really pushing it now.

  • Too unbearable to Clarkson?

  • Yes.

  • Ah, selection of things that we think typify England.

  • All right.

  • And perhaps you can tell us where you think the various candidates sits.

  • So this is the 1st 1 the really old.

Hello, my friends.

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