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  • If you're a fan of the first ten minutes

  • of those movies where everyone in the world dies,

  • well, then, you're gonna love this next clip.

  • Federal health officials on high alert

  • as a new virus emerges out of China.

  • Over the weekend,

  • the number of people infected more than tripled.

  • NEWSWOMAN: The deadly coronavirus

  • makes its way to the United States.

  • NEWSWOMAN 2: A man in his 30s diagnosed

  • five days after returning home to Seattle from Wuhan, China.

  • NEWSMAN: Tonight, all passengers arriving from Wuhan

  • will be funneled through five major U.S. airports,

  • where heightened health screenings

  • will be in place.

  • Wash your hands or use a hand sanitizer,

  • especially before touching your face,

  • since that's how the virus gets into the body.

  • "Wash your hands"?

  • (laughter)

  • No, here's the thing. Scientists always warn us

  • about some new, weird death virus,

  • and when we're like, "What's the plan?"

  • They're like, "Uh, wash your hands."

  • That's not a plan.

  • There's an outbreak, and all you're saying is wash your...

  • I've never seen a zombie movie where they're like...

  • (screams) "They're coming! They're coming!"

  • (screams) "They're coming!

  • "Okay, we're good. We're good. We're good.

  • We're good. We're good."

  • No, but for real, though, you should wash your hands,

  • because even though the coronavirus

  • sounds like a hangover you get after Cinco de Mayo,

  • it's actually a serious respiratory illness

  • that spreads quickly and can be fatal.

  • But just, by the way, why does the news

  • always put up a picture of the disease?

  • Why do they do that? Like it's a biological mug shot.

  • Who does this help, huh? They always do this.

  • Like, no, none of us is walking around with a microscope like,

  • "Guys, I saw the virus on the way to work.

  • Let's go out there and smoke this fool."

  • (laughter)

  • All right, let's move on to a story involving Jeff Bezos,

  • Amazon billionaire

  • and if James Bond were played by a vibrator.

  • A year ago, Bezos's marriage fell apart

  • after someone hacked his phone

  • and revealed that he was having an affair.

  • And now there's a shocking revelation

  • about who the hacker might be.

  • We're learning new details of an extraordinary claim

  • that Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos' phone

  • was hacked by Saudi Arabia.

  • The Guardian reports an investigation

  • ordered by Bezos blames the hacking

  • on a personal message that apparently came

  • from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman.

  • NEWSMAN: According to the Financial Times,

  • the hack's roots trace back to Bezos and bin Salman

  • exchanging phone numbers in Los Angeles.

  • Weeks later, says Britain's the Guardian paper,

  • Bezos and the crown prince were engaged

  • in a seemingly friendly WhatsApp exchange

  • when bin Salman sent

  • an unsolicited malware-infected file.

  • It's unclear what information was then taken.

  • Whoa.

  • They're saying the crown prince of Saudi Arabia

  • personally hacked Jeff Bezos's phone.

  • If that's true, that would be very hands-on

  • for the ruler of a country, you know?

  • Like, normally, people have someone else do that for them.

  • Although, I guess it must be hard to hire a hacker

  • in a country where everyone is also a billionaire prince.

  • Yeah. It's just like, "As your prince,

  • I command you to hack Jeff Bezos."

  • "Well, as your prince, I command you

  • to get me some potato chips."

  • "Okay, fine, I'll do it myself."

  • Seriously, I-I can't imagine any other world leader

  • micromanaging that much.

  • 'Cause this-this would be like Trump

  • going down to the border himself to vet immigrants.

  • Just like, "No. No, no, no.

  • "No. No. Miguel, no.

  • "Yes, Lupe. No way, Jose.

  • (laughs): "Get it? Get it? Get it?

  • So funny."

  • And look, I'm not gonna lie.

  • The fact that Jeff Bezos can get hacked

  • means that there's no hope for any of us.

  • I mean, he's the number one tech guy in the world.

  • It'd be like finding out Mr. Peanut died

  • from a peanut allergy.

  • That's the one person it shouldn't happen to.

  • And I don't know, Saudi Arabia.

  • Like, you guys messing with the head of Amazon

  • might be a really bad move.

  • Yeah. 'Cause Saudi Arabia might be powerful,

  • but they just pissed off the head of Amazon.

  • Good luck getting your deliveries now.

  • Yeah. Yeah. Saudi guys are gonna be like,

  • "Okay, there was supposed to be a public stoning today,

  • "uh, but the stones still haven't arrived,

  • so instead, we're going to use doughnuts from the breakroom."

  • (grunts) "Did you learn your lesson?"

  • "Not yet. Not yet."

  • All right, and finally,

  • some news from the Democratic primary.

  • Pete Buttigieg, former South Bend mayor

  • and glass of skim milk who wished to be a real boy

  • had a-a moment on the trail

  • that was a bit of a Jeb Bush "please clap" moment.

  • NEWSWOMAN: Things are getting just a little awkward

  • on the campaign trail for Mayor Pete Buttigieg.

  • So, we're gonna look to you to spread that sense of hope

  • to those that you know.

  • Come on! (laughs)

  • (applause)

  • (laughter)

  • Okay, that is super embarrassing.

  • For two reasons. Firstly,

  • you should never have to ask an audience

  • to cheer for you, right? For something you've said.

  • Am I right, folks?

  • -(cheering and applause) -(chuckles) What?

  • What are you doing?

  • You guys are...

  • You guys are a bunch of sheep. Am I right?

  • -(cheering and applause) -(laughs)

  • Because, like, basically, what Buttigieg there...

  • Like, you can't ask for the...

  • That's, like, classic Uber driver.

  • "You give me five stars, yes? Five stars?"

  • And secondly, secondly, it's embarrassing

  • because I've never noticed,

  • but Pete Buttigieg has a pretty weird laugh.

  • -Just listen again. -(laughs)

  • (laughter)

  • (imitates Buttigieg laughing)

  • It sounds like Krusty the Clown. That's what it sounds like.

  • Sounds like if Krusty was running for president.

  • "Vote for me." (laughs)

  • I'm not gonna lie.

  • Pete Buttigieg, if you want to be president,

  • you need to work on your laugh.

  • 'Cause you don't realize this, but a bad laugh

  • can totally ruin your image.

  • I don't care who you are.

  • ♪ ♪

  • DARTH VADER: This will be a day long remembered.

  • It has seen the end of Kenobi.

  • It will soon see the end of the rebellion.

  • (high-pitched giggle)

  • I rest my case.

If you're a fan of the first ten minutes

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Coronavirus Scare, Saudi Arabia’s Jeff Bezos Hack & Pete Buttigieg’s Awkward Moment | The Daily Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/03/15
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