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  • WELCOME!

  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

  • THANK YOU.

  • I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL IN A GOOD MOOD BECAUSE I, FOR ONE, AM NOT

  • PANICKING.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE THESE BURNED.

  • THEN BURN THE PERSON WHO BURNED THEM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE PANICKING.

  • NAMELY, WALL STREET.

  • IN THE FIRST THREE DAYS OF THIS WEEK, THE DOW LOST 2,000 POINTS,

  • BUT LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO

  • REASSURE INVESTORS, AND TODAY IT BOUNCED BACK-- BY PLUNGING

  • ALMOST 1,200 POINTS, THE LARGEST SINGLE DAY DROP IN HISTORY.

  • THAT MUST BE SO HARD FOR THE GUYS ON WALL STREET.

  • IF ONLY THEY HAD ACCESS TO SOME SORT OF DRUG THAT WOULD MAKE

  • THEM FEEL BETTER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN MAKE THEM THINK THEY

  • COULD START A BAND!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SEE THERE'S A NEW CASE IN THE

  • UNITED STATES, AND THIS PERSON TID NOT APPEAR TO HAVE TRAVELED

  • TO COUNTRIES HIT BY THE VIRUS OR BEEN EXPOSED TO A KNOWN

  • CORONAVIRUS PATIENT.

  • OKAY.

  • WELL.

  • GOOD TO KNOW.

  • EXCUSE ME FOR JUST A MOMENT.

  • (RINGS BELL) PLAGUE!

  • PLAGUE!

  • A RIGHTEOUS CLEANSING TO PUNISH MAN FOR HIS VANITY AND LUST!

  • SWING YOUR SCYTHE, OH ANGRY GOD!

  • REPENT!

  • REPENT!

  • REPENT!

  • REPENT!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHERE WAS I?

  • YEAH, THE CALIFORNIA CASE IS OFFICIALLY AMERICA'S FIRST

  • INSTANCE OF COMMUNITY TRANSMISSION, WHICH MEANS THERE

  • IS A GOOD CHANCE THERE ALREADY ARE PEOPLE INFECTED IN THIS

  • COUNTRY AND THAT THE VIRUS IS CIRCULATING UNDETECTED.

  • SO, YOU ONLY NEED TO BE CONCERNED IF YOU'RE IN THIS

  • COUNTRY, AND PEOPLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THERE MIGHT BE A LOT MORE PEOPLE

  • INFECTED THAN WE KNOW ABOUT BECAUSE ON TRIAL RUNS IN SOME

  • STATES, THE C.D.C.'S CORONAVIRUS TESTING KITS

  • PRODUCED RESULTS THAT WERE "INCONCLUSIVE."

  • INCONCLUSIVE IS NOT GOOD FOR A TEST THIS IMPORTANT!

  • THAT'S WHY, WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO FIND OUT IF THEY'RE PREGNANT,

  • THEY DON'T PEE ON A MAGIC 8 BALL!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) LET'S SEE, IT SAYS, UH -- IT

  • SAYS, UH -- HONEY, IT SAYS -- HONEY, IT SAYS

  • "PEE AGAIN LATER."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )

  • OF COURSE, DURING ANY HEALTH SCARE, IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY

  • AWAY FROM DANGEROUS TRANSMISSION VECTORS-- MAINLY THE INTERNET,

  • WHICH IS FULL OF FAKE CURES FOR CORONAVIRUS.

  • ONE RUMOR CLAIMS THAT BOILED GARLIC CAN CURE THE VIRUS.

  • ANOTHER SUGGESTS THAT YOU "DRINK BLEACH."

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS,

  • BUT, DON'T DRINK BLEACH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?

  • IT'S BAD FOR YOU, AND IT RUINS THE TASTE OF THE TIDEPODS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT, AT HIS PRESS

  • CONFERENCE, TRUMP SAID HE DOESN'T THINK THE STOCK MARKET

  • DEATH SPIRAL HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • >> I THINK THE FINANCIAL MARKETS ARE VERY UPSET WHEN THEY LOOK AT

  • THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES STANDING ON THE STAGE MAKING

  • FOOLS OUT OF THEMSELVES.

  • >> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "YES, AND THE DARK AGES WERE NOT

  • IN ANY WAY AFFECTED BY THE BLACK DEATH.

  • VASSALS WERE JUST UPSET THAT EDWARD III WAS A SOCIALIST.

  • LEECH-CARE FOR ALL?

  • WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT?

  • THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR?

  • COME ON."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • "I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE WORDS I JUST SAID.

  • ."

  • TRUMP'S BIGGEST ANNOUNCEMENT LAST NIGHT WAS THAT THE

  • CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE EFFORT WILL BE SPEARHEADED BY VICE PRESIDENT

  • AND MAN WATCHING HIS WIFE FLIRT WITH THE BALLOON ANIMAL MAKER,

  • MIKE PENCE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS THE GREATEST CRISIS OF

  • TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY, AND HIS FIRST RESPONSE IS, "MIKE, YOU'RE

  • UP."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S JUST LIKE THAT FAMOUS QUOTE

  • ON HARRY TRUMAN'S DESK: "THE BUCK'S IN MIKE PENCE'S OFFICE!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE VICE PRESIDENT DOES HAVE

  • EXPERIENCE WITH OUTBREAKS.

  • SPECIFICALLY, MAKING THEM WORSE.

  • BECAUSE, WHEN HE WAS THE GOVERNOR OF INDIANA, PENCE'S

  • REFUSAL TO IMPLEMENT A NEEDLE EXCHANGE PROGRAM LED TO THE

  • WORST H.I.V. OUTBREAK IN THE STATE'S HISTORY.

  • BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

  • "IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, WELCOME TO THE TRUMP

  • ADMINISTRATION."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) THE POINT OF THAT PRESS

  • CONFERENCE WAS NOT PUBLIC HEALTH.

  • AS THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUT IT, "OFFICIALS AT TRUMP'S

  • CORONAVIRUS BRIEFING FOCUSED ON PREVENTING THE SPREAD OF

  • CRITICISM OF TRUMP."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, AND THAT IS VERY

  • CONTAGIOUS.

  • EVERYONE I KNOW HAS IT.

  • I MIGHT BE PATIENT ZERO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

  • >> Jon: EVERYBODY I KNOW HAS IT RIGHT NOW.

  • >> Stephen: AND THIS DESIRE TO PREVENT ANY

  • CRITICISM IS WHAT MAKES THIS NEXT DETAIL SO DISTURBING.

  • FROM NOW ON, MIKE PENCE WILL CONTROL ALL CORONAVIRUS

  • MESSAGING FROM HEALTH OFFICIALS.

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND HIS FIRST ORDER IS RENAMING

  • THE NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH, "PRAY AWAY THE PLAGUE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) PENCE HAS GOT HIS WORK CUT OUT

  • FOR HIM.

  • ALL OVER THE WORLD, CORONAVIRUS IS HAVING A HUGE IMPACT ON DAILY

  • LIFE.

  • HERE IN THE U.S., A GROWING LIST OF COLLEGES ARE CANCELING OR

  • REROUTING STUDY-ABROAD PROGRAMS BECAUSE OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • (AS PARENT) "SORRY, DEVIN.

  • I KNOW YOU WERE EXCITED ABOUT ITALY, BUT YOU CAN STUDY ART

  • HISTORY RIGHT HERE AT THE MALL.

  • YOU KNOW, AT SPENCERS, THEY HAVE POSTERS WHERE IF YOU GET REAL

  • CLOSE AND RELAX YOUR EYES, YOU CAN SEE A SAILBOAT!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WELL, IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU'RE

  • CRYING."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DEVIN IS SO UPSET HE'S CRYING IN

  • THIS REENACTMENT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) CORONAVIRUS IS EVEN DISRUPTING

  • HOW PEOPLE EAT.

  • RESTAURANTS IN CHINA ARE GOING TO EXTREME MEASURES TO PROTECT

  • CUSTOMERS.

  • >> YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE NEW NORMAL FOR MANY FAST FOOD

  • RESTAURANTS IN CHINA.

  • CUSTOMERS ENTERING THIS KFC PASSING THROUGH THE NOW-STANDARD

  • TEMPERATURE CHECKS.

  • WALKING UP TO A GIANT SCREEN, THEY EITHER TRANSFER THEIR ORDER

  • FROM THEIR SMARTPHONES, THUS AVOIDING TOUCHING THE SURFACE,

  • OR THEY TYPE IT IN.

  • AS SOON AS THEY STEP AWAY, AN EMPLOYEE SWOOPS IN TO DISINFECT.

  • >> STEPHEN: I'VE GOT TO SAY, IF YOU'RE THAT CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR

  • HEALTH, WHY ARE YOU EATING AT KFC?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • SO GOOD.

  • >> Jon: WHAT ABOUT POPEYES?

  • >> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF, BEFORE

  • DRIVING INTO THE CANYON, THELMA AND LOUISE HAD SAID, "OH-OH,

  • SEATBELTS!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • THESE STRICT NEW PRECAUTIONS EXTEND TO TAKE OUT FOOD AS WELL.

  • >> THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS HERE.

  • THEY LEAVE IT THERE.

  • HE TELLS ME I CAN...

  • I MOVE IN, PICK UP THE FOOD AND HEAD HOME TO EAT.

  • AND AS SOON AS YOU GET YOUR FOOD, YOU'LL NOTICE ON TOP OF

  • THE RECEIPT IS THIS LITTLE CARD.

  • IT HAS TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF READINGS ON IT.

  • THE TEMPERATURE READING OF THE PERSON WHO PREPARED YOUR FOOD,

  • ALONG WITH THEIR NAME, AND THE NAME AND TEMPERATURE READING OF

  • THE PERSON WHO DELIVERED YOUR FOOD.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S A LITTLE INVASIVE.

  • "OKAY, I'LL GET A MEDIUM PIE, HALF PEPPERONI, HALF GREEN

  • PEPPER, A TWO LITER OF COKE AND BOTH THE ORAL AND RECTAL

  • TEMPERATURES OF EVERYONE IN YOUR KITCHEN.

  • THANKS!

  • OOH!

  • GARLIC KNOTS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!

  • >> Stephen: PROCTOR AND GAMBLE SAYS PRODUCTS CAN BE AFFECTED.

  • GET READY TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH A HYGIENE PRODUCT STILL

  • MADE IN AMERICA.

  • JACK DANIELS.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT WILL TAKE THE

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT WILL TAKE THE