Subtitles section Play video
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WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE AND OUT THERE TO "THE LATE SHOW."
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I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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AND AS I SPEAK -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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>> Stephen: AS I SPEAK, THE SENATE
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IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS RACING DEMOCRACY TO SEE WHICH ONE CAN
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END FASTER.
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COME ON, BIG D!
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I'LL GIVE THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT
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IMPEACH."
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>> OY YOY YOY YOY YOY.
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>> STEPHEN: TODAY, SENATORS WRAPPED UP THE Q&A.
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TOMORROW, THEY MOVE ON TO THE F&U.
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( LAUGHTER ) THERE WAS A SHORT MOMENT OF
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LEVITY WHEN A MANAGER ADAM SCHIFF
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POINTED OUT THE CATCH-22 OF THE PRESIDENT REFUSING TO ANSWER ALL
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SUBPOENAS.
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>> THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, IN RESISTING HOUSE SUBPOENAS, IS IN
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COURT TODAY.
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THEY'RE IN HERE, ARGUING, "CONGRESS MUST GO TO COURT TO
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FORCE SUBPOENAS."
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BUT THEY'RE IN THE COURT, SAYING "CONGRESS SHALL NOT DO THAT."
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SO THE JUDGE SAYS, "IF THE CONGRESS CANNOT ENFORCE THE
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SUBPOENAS IN COURT, THEN WHAT REMEDY IS THERE?"
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AND THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT LAWYERS' RESPONSE IS
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"IMPEACHMENT."
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IMPEACHMENT.
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(LAUGHTER) YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP!
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>> STEPHEN: (AS SCHIFF) "YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP--
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BECAUSE GEORGE ORWELL ALREADY DID.
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ANYWAY, THAT'S MY TIME.
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2 + 2 = 5!
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I LOVE BIG BROTHER!
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DO IT TO JULIA!" DO IT TO JULIA!"
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FIT ME FOR A RAT CAGE!
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( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS
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ENDED BY ASKING THE COUNTRY TO PUT IMPEACHMENT BEHIND US, WITH
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A STIRRING AND FRIGHTENING CALL TO ACTION:
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>> LET'S TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT NOW.
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JOIN US.
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JOIN US, ONE NATION.
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ONE NATION, ONE PEOPLE.
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>> STEPHEN: NOTHING UNSETTLING ABOUT THAT.
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(AS HERSCHMANN) "JOIN US.
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JOIN US.
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RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
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KNEEL BEFORE TRUMP AND BE ABSORBED BY HIS MAGA, FOR
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THERE IS JOY AND PEACE NESTLED WITHIN HIS SWEATY FOLDS!"
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( LAUGHTER ) JOIN US!
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JOIN THE HIVE MIND!
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>> Jon: I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THEM.
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>> Stephen: THIS CULMINATES A STRANGE COUPLE
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OF DAYS FOR TRUMP'S LAWYERS.
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YESTERDAY, ALAN DERSHOWITZ MADE THIS INTERESTING ARGUMENT:
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"TRUMP CAN'T BE IMPEACHED BECAUSE HE BELIEVED HIS
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REELECTION IS IN THE NATIONAL INTEREST."
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WELL, FOR PETE'S SAKE, EVERY PRESIDENT THINKS
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THEIR REELECTION IS IN THE NATIONAL INTEREST.
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EXCEPT, OF COURSE, EISENHOWER IN '56.
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( LAUGHTER ) DIDN'T KNOW THAT, DID YOU?
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( LAUGHTER ) IF THIS RATIONALE ALARMS YOU,
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YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY.
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TODAY, SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SAID THIS:
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>> THE PRESIDENT SEEMS TO BE EMULATING A FRENCH KING WHO SAID
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(SPEAKS FRENCH) "L'ETAT C'EST MOI".
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"THE STATE, IT'S ME."
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>> STEPHEN: SHE'S REFERRING TO LOUIS THE 14TH, WHO FAMOUSLY
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SAID, "L'ETAT C'EST MOI."
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ADDING, "VOULEZ-VOUS COUCHEZ AVEC MOI, CE SOIR?
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CREOLE LADY MARMALADE."
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( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
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GICHI GICHI -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS IN FRENCH:
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WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, TRUMP HAS A LOT IN COMMON WITH LOUIS
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THE 14TH.
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SAME DECORATING STYLE.
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SAME LAX ATTITUDE TOWARDS EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS.
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THEY BOTH POOP IN A DRAWER.
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PLUS, LOUIS WAS THE SUN KING, AND TRUMP IS THE
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STARE-DIRECTLY-AT-THE-SUN KING.
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( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS TRUMP'S
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MOTTO: "LET ME EAT CAKE."
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( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE DERSH-BAG MAY NOT EVEN
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BE TRUMP'S WORST LAWYER.
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HE'S GOT STIFF COMPETITION FROM FORMER FLORIDA ATTORNEY GENERAL
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PAM BONDI, SEEN HERE INDICATING HER I.Q.
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HERE SHE IS JUST RIPPING HUNTER BIDEN:
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>> THE NORWAY TRIP WAS JUNE OF 2015.
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HE REMAINED ON THE BOARD...
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UNTIL...
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APRIL...
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OF...
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2019.
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( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: PAM...
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PAM...
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PAM BONDI...
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IS...
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A...
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DUMB...
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ASS...
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( LAUGHTER ) --SOCIATE OF THE PRESIDENT.
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( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
