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  • WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • FINALLY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • FINALLY, FRIENDS, AFTER THE DISASTER IN IOWA, WE HAVE A

  • CLEAR AND DECISIVE WINNER: SIBA, THE STANDARD POODLE WHO

  • WON BEST IN SHOW AT THE WESTMINSTER!

  • NOT SURPRISED SHE WON.

  • LOOK AT THAT GROOMING.

  • I'M TELLING YOU, IF HE'S SERIOUS ABOUT WINNING, TOM STEYER OUGHT

  • TO STEAL HER LOOK.

  • NICE HAUNCHES.

  • LAST NIGHT, WE ALSO GOT THE RESULTS OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE

  • PRIMARY.

  • I'LL TELL ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF...

  • >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

  • >> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.

  • ( HORN BEEPING ) >> DONALD TRUMP'S WORST

  • NIGHTMARE.

  • >> YOU'RE A LYING DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER.

  • >> I THINK THEY WILL END UP BEING THE LOSERS.

  • >> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020!"

  • >> Stephen: NOW THE WINNER-- ( APPLAUSE )

  • THE WINNER IN THE GRANITE STATE WAS VERMONT SENATOR AND MAN

  • REGRETTING PICKING A JAY-Z SONG AT KARAOKE, BERNIE SANDERS.

  • BERNIE WAS GRACIOUS IN HIS VICTORY SPEECH.

  • >> LET ME TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK THE PEOPLE OF NEW

  • HAMPSHIRE FOR A GREAT VICTORY TONIGHT!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE REASON THAT WE WON TONIGHT

  • HERE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE AND LAST WEEK IN IOWA--

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS BECAUSE OF THE HARD WORK OF

  • SO MANY VOLUNTEERS.

  • >> Stephen: ( AS BERNIE ) "I WANT TO THANK MY VOLUNTEERS,

  • I WANT TO THANK THE UNPAID LABORERS WHO-- OH, MY GOD!

  • WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!

  • I'M A CAPT LIFT SWINE WHO BENEFITS OFF THE TOIL OF THE

  • 99%.

  • I'VE BECOME THAT WHICH I MOST ABHORRED!

  • I AM NOW THE MAN!

  • LET'S STICK IT TO ME!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • ( LAUGHTER ) FINISHING A STRONG SECOND WAS

  • FORMER SOUTH BEND MAYOR AND BIRTHDAY BOY VOLUNTEERING AT

  • THE MAGIC SHOW, PETE BUTTIGIEG.

  • DURING HIS SPEECH, MAYOR PETE BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT:

  • GAVE BERNIE A BIT OF A BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT:

  • >> I ADMIRED SENATOR SANDERS WHEN I WAS A HIGH SCHOOL

  • STUDENT.

  • >> Stephen: SUBTLY DONE.

  • BUT IT IS TRUE, PETE DID ACTUALLY ADMIRE

  • BERNIE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

  • HE EVEN WROTE AN ESSAY ABOUT HIM THAT WON THE "PROFILE IN

  • COURAGE" ESSAY CONTEST.

  • "PROFILES IN COURAGE," OF COURSE WAS WRITTEN BY J.F.K., WHO ALSO

  • WROTE A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY ABOUT LOOKING UP TO BERNIE SANDERS.

  • THE THIRD-PLACE FINISHER WITH 20% OF THE VOTE WAS MINNESOTA

  • SENATOR AND ABBY CADABBY'S STEP-MOM, AMY KLOBUCHAR.

  • DURING HER SPEECH LAST NIGHT, KLOBUCHAR LAID ON THE MIDWESTERN

  • GRIT THICK.

  • >> MY GRANDPA WORKED 1,500 FEET UNDERGROUND IN THE MINES OF

  • NORTHERN MINNESOTA.

  • HE HAD NINE BROTHERS AND SISTERS, AND HE HAD TO HELP

  • RAISE THEM.

  • HE AND MY GRANDMA SAVED MONEY IN A COFFEE CAN IN THEIR BASEMENT

  • TO SEND MY DAD TO A TWO-YEAR COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

  • MY DAD THEN BECAME A NEWSPAPERMAN.

  • MY DAD STRUGGLED WITH ALCOHOLISM.

  • MY MOM?

  • SHE WAS BORN IN MILWAUKEE.

  • >> Stephen: (AS KLOBUCHAR) "MY GODFATHER WAS BOB SEGER.

  • MY UNCLE DIED IN THE CHEESE MINES FROM CHEDDAR LUNG.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MY FIRST-GRADE TEACHER WAS A

  • DAIRY COW.

  • WE COULDN'T AFFORD A TV, SO WE LISTENED TO VIKINGS GAMES ON A

  • RADIO WE MADE OUT OF BEER BOTTLE TOPS AND GREEN BEAN

  • CASSEROLE.

  • I AM MIDWESTERN TO THE CORE."

  • ( APPLAUSE ) NEW HAMPSHIRE ALSO HAD SOME

  • WINNERS WHO WON LESS THAN THE ACTUAL WINNERS.

  • COMING IN AT FOURTH PLACE, WAS MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR AND

  • MUSIC TEACHER TELLING THE TENORSMMMM, I'M UP HERE! ♪

  • ELIZABETH WARREN.

  • SENATOR WARREN HAS NOT PERFORMED AS WELL AS SHE EXPECTED SO SHE

  • COMFORTED SUPPORTERS LAST NIGHT AT HER NEW HAMPSHIRE PARTY BY

  • SERVING SWEDISH MEATBALLS AND BRISKET.

  • THAT'S A LOT OF MEAT.

  • DID THEY LET HER DOG, BAILEY, PLACE THE ORDER?

  • ( AS BAILEY, ON PHONE ) "HELLO?

  • MEAT!

  • BALL!

  • MEATBALL.

  • 'RISKET!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • ( AS SALESPERSON ON PHONE ) "IS THIS A DOG?"

  • ( AS BAILEY ) "RUH-ROH.

  • RYE-RYE.

  • OOO, GARLIC KNOTS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • THE ONE OF THE BIGGEST NOT-WINNERS

  • WAS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN, SEEN HERE TAKING A QUICK

  • MID-SENTENCE NAP.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) GET THEM WHILE YOU CAN.

  • BIDEN'S LACKLUSTER PERFORMANCES HAVE A BEEN A HUGE SURPRISE.

  • AND NOW, EVEN BIDEN'S OWN PEOPLE ARE HAVING TROUBLE HIDING

  • THEIR ANXIETY.

  • ONE UNNAMED ADVISER TOLD REPORTERS, "I KNOW WE'RE

  • SUPPOSED TO SAY WE'RE GOING TO WIN, BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW.

  • THIS IS HORRENDOUS.

  • WE'RE ALL SCARED."

  • IT'S NOT GREAT WHEN YOUR CAMPAIGN SOUNDS LIKE A CIVIL WAR

  • LETTER HOME.

  • "MY DEAREST JILL, WE FLED NEW HAMPSHIRE AFTER A MISERABLE

  • DEFEAT AND HAVE RETREATED TO MAKE OUR LAST STAND IN SOUTH

  • CAROLINA.

  • I THOUGHT WE COULD WIN, BUT I GUESS I'M JUST A LYING,

  • DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) "YOURS, JOSEPH."

  • ( APPLAUSE ) "YOURS, ALWAYS."

  • LAST NIGHT WAS ALSO THE END OF THE FURY ROAD FOR SOME

  • CANDIDATES, LIKE COLORADO SENATOR AND MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND

  • WHO WANTS TO GET COFFEE ONE-ON-ONE "JUST TO GET TO KNOW

  • YA BETTER, BUD," MICHAEL BENNET.

  • AFTER GETTING LESS THAN 1% IN NEW HAMPSHIRE LAST NIGHT, BENNET

  • PROMPTLY DROPPED OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.

  • THIS WAS SHOCKING TO ALL THE VOTERS WHO HAD NO IDEA HE

  • DROPPED INTO THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY.

  • BENNET WAXED POETIC ABOUT THE STATE HE JUST LOST, SAYING,

  • "I LOVE YOU, NEW HAMPSHIRE.

  • WHETHER YOU KNEW IT OR NOT, WE WERE HAVING A GREAT TIME

  • TOGETHER."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW.

  • BIT OF A CREEPY NOTE TO GO OUT ON, I GOTTA SAY.

  • "I LOVE YOU, NEW HAMPSHIRE.

  • WHETHER YOU KNEW IT OR NOT.

  • I WATCH YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE OTHER DROPOUT WAS TECH

  • ENTREPRENEUR AND MAN SPECIFYING THAT HE WANTS HIS FOOD PREPARED

  • BY A CHEF WHO HASN'T EVEN HANDLED CILANTRO, ANDREW YANG.

  • WHICH MEANS YANG'S OUT OF A JOB.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT HE COULD USE?

  • $1,000 A MONTH.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

  • EARLIER TODAY-- TODAY?

  • JUST TODAY.

  • THE DEMOCRATIC FIELD LOST FORMER MASSACHUSSETTS GOVERNOR AND MAN

  • SAYING, "WAIT. THE GUY WITH THE MOST VOTES WINS?" DEVAL PATRICK.

  • SO LET'S REMOVE DEVAL PATRICK FROM OUR ARRAY OF DEMOCRATIC

  • CANDIDATES.

  • AND...

  • OOPS, WE NEVER PUT HIM IN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) PATRICK, GET IN HERE.

  • GET IN THERE, SIR!

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • NOW, GET OUT OF THERE!

  • GET OUT OF THERE!

  • WE ALSO HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO MICHAEL BENNET.

  • HE WILL BE MISSED.

  • STOP WATCHING US, MICHAEL BENNET!

  • THAT'S CREEPY!

  • I'M GOING TO CALL THE COPS!

  • AND LET'S ALSO SAY FAREWELL TO THE MAN WHO WARNED US ABOUT THE

  • DANGERS OF AUTOMATION, ANDREW YANG.

  • AND THE ROBOTS HAVE COME FOR HIM.

  • SO LONG.

  • SO LONG, MR. YANG.

  • MICHAEL BENNET!

  • GET OUTTA HERE!

  • SHOO!

  • SHOO!

  • NOW, OUR CURRENT COMMANDER IN CHIEF HOSTED THE PRESIDENT OF

  • ECUADOR IN THE OVAL OFFICE TODAY, WHICH BRINGS US TO

  • TODAY'S EDITION OF: >> "CHAIR CHAT."

  • >> Stephen: WITH ALL THE TURMOIL SURROUNDING ROGER STONE'S

  • SENTENCING, TRUMP TRIED TO MUDDY THE WATERS BY CLAIMING EVERYBODY

  • ELSE SHOULD BE PROSECUTED.

  • >> WHERE'S COMEY?

  • WHERE IS COMEY?

  • WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MCCABE?

  • WHAT'S HAPPENING TO LISA AND PETER STRZOK, AND LISA PAGE?

  • WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH THEM?

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WHERE'S WALDO?

  • WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO?

  • WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH?

  • WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT?

  • WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF LOVE?

  • THAT GUY SHOULD BE IN JAIL, THE BOOK OF LOVE GUY."

  • ( APPLAUSE ) NOW, FOR SOME REASON, TRUMP WAS

  • ASKED WHO HE THINKS THE DEMOCRATIC FRONTRUNNER IS.

  • >> BERNIE LOOKS LIKE HE IS DOING VERY WELL.

  • I THINK PEOPLE LIKE HIS MESSAGE.

  • HE'S GOT ENERGY.

  • HIS PEOPLE HAVE ENERGY, BUT THEY LIKE HIS MESSAGE.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, THEY LIKE IT.

  • WHAT WAS BERNIE'S MESSAGE AGAIN?

  • >> WE ARE GOING TO UNITE TOGETHER AND DEFEAT THE MOST

  • DANGEROUS PRESIDENT IN THE MODERN HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

  • >> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.

  • A LOT OF PEOPLE DO LIKE THAT MESSAGE.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • WILL FERRELL IS HERE.

  • STICK AROUND!

  • WILL FERRELL.

WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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