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  • WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • WITH ALL THE NEWS ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS, I HOPE EVERYONE'S

  • DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO STAY SAFE.

  • IF YOU NEED INFORMATION ABOUT HOW TO STAY HEALTHY, DON'T ASK

  • DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE

  • PRESIDENT'S APPROACH TO WELLNESS FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE

  • PHYSICIAN AND MAN DESCRIBING THE SIZE OF TRUMP'S HOAGIE

  • ( LAUGHTER ) RONNY JACKSON.

  • DR. RONNY IS EVIDENTLY RUNNING FOR CONGRESS DOWN IN TEXAS,

  • AND IN A RECENT INTERVIEW, HE SAID ONE OF HIS BIGGEST REGRETS

  • WAS NOT BEING ABLE TO ESTABLISH THE DIET AND EXERCISE REGIMEN HE

  • HAD PLANNED FOR TRUMP.

  • REALLY?

  • THAT'S THE THING HE REGRETS?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOT BEING ABUSIVE TO HIS

  • COLLEAGUES OR LOOSELY HANDLING PRESCRIPTION PAIN MEDICATIONS,

  • OR THAT ONE TIME HE WRECKED A GOVERNMENT VEHICLE WHILE DRUNK.

  • LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S QUALIFIED FOR CONGRESS, BUT HE'S

  • DEFINITELY QUALIFIED FOR THE SUPREME COURT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • NOW, JACKSON SAYS-- NOW, JACKSON DID HAVE ONE STRATEGY TO KEEP

  • TRUMP HEALTHY.

  • APPARENTLY HE HID VEGGIES IN TRUMP'S MASHED POTATOES BECAUSE

  • NOTHING MAKES A PARANOID TYRANT FEEL SECURE LIKE HIDING STUFF IN

  • HIS FOOD.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "JARED, I NEED YOU TO BE MY

  • TASTER.

  • I THINK SOMEONE'S TRYING TO POISON ME WITH NUTRIENTS."

  • CHECK YOUR CALENDARS: IT'S FEBRUARY 28, WHICH MEANS JUST

  • ONE MORE SHOPPING DAY IN BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

  • TO CELEBRATE, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WILL BE OPENING 15 COMMUNITY

  • CENTERS TO REACH BLACK VOTERS.

  • IT'S RUN BY A GROUP CALLED "BLACK VOICES FOR TRUMP," WHICH

  • SOUNDS SURPRISING, BECAUSE TRUMP HS A LOT OF AFRICAN AMERICAN

  • SUPPORT.

  • FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S THIS GUY, THE SAME GUY AT ANOTHER RALLY,

  • AND THE SAME GUY AGAIN, ALL IN DIFFERENT CITIES!

  • IT'S LIKE A "WHERE'S WALDO," EXCEPT MUCH EASIER TO PICK OUT

  • OF A CROWD.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • NOW, THIS WEEK-- ( CHEERS )

  • THIS WEEK, THE CAMPAIGN LAUNCHED A PROTOTYPE OF ONE OF THE

  • COMMUNITY CENTERS, AND HERE IT IS.

  • IT'S JUST STUFF ON A TABLE, LIKE A T-SHIRT THAT JUST SAYS "WOKE."

  • "WOKE"?

  • AT THIS POINT, THAT'S GETTING A LITTLE DATED.

  • NOT AS BAD AS THEIR OTHER BLACK OUTREACH T-SHIRT: DY-NO-MITE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP CLEARLY NEEDS TO DO

  • SOMETHING, SINCE "MORE THAN EIGHT IN TEN BLACK AMERICANS SAY

  • THEY BELIEVE TRUMP IS A RACIST."

  • THE OTHER TWO ARE BEN CARSON AND KANYE WEST.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • DEMOCRATS-- DEMOCRATS ARE DEALING WITH THEIR

  • OWN CONTROVERSY-- SPECIFICALLY, SENATE MINORITY LEADER,

  • CHUCK SCHUMER, SEEN HERE ON THE COVER OF HIS JAZZ ALBUM, "THE

  • SULTRY SENATE."

  • APPARENTLY, THE "NEW YORK POST" LOOKED INTO SCHUMER'S F.E.C.

  • FILINGS AND FOUND THE SHOCKING NEWS THAT HE HAS SPENT $8,600 ON

  • CHEESECAKES IN THE PAST DECADE.

  • NOW, AS SCANDALS GO, THIS ONE IS PRETTY MILD.

  • AND VERY CREAMY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT SENATOR SCHUMER STILL

  • ADDRESSED IT AT A PRESS CONFERENCE THIS WEEK.

  • >> I GIVE THEM AS GIFTS.

  • I USE THEM AS BETS.

  • >> Stephen: YOU HEARD HIM, CHUCK SCHUMER BETS WITH

  • CHEESECAKES.

  • US I HAD ROLLERS KNOW THIS IS EXTREMELY COMMON.

  • WHO COULD FORGET THIS CLASSIC SCENE FROM "CASINO ROYALE?"

  • >> RAISE.

  • >> RAISE.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> $14,500,000.

  • >> WHOA!

  • THAT'S A LOT OF CHEESECAKE.

  • >> Stephen: FEARS-- FEARS OF CORONAVIRUS-- I DON'T REMEMBER

  • THAT LAST.

  • GUY.

  • I REMEMBER EVERYTHING BUT THAT LAST GUY.

  • FEARS OF CORONAVIRUS ARE RUNNING HIGH, AND TRUMP HAS BEEN

  • ENCOURAGING GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES TO STAY HOME-- BY

  • FIRING THEM FOR DISLOYALTY.

  • IN FACT, IN THE WAKE OF TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT ACQUITTAL, THE WHITE

  • HOUSE HAS CREATED LISTS OF DISLOYAL OFFICIALS.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) ♪ I'M MAKIN' A LIST

  • CHECKIN' IT TWICE GONNA FIRE YOU THEN EAT

  • A CAKE SLICE ♪ ( LAUGHTER )

  • ( APPLAUSE ) SO TO HANDLE THE LIST--

  • SCHUMER SENT ME CHEESECAKE TODAY

  • SO TO HANDLE THE LIST, TRUMP RECENTLY PROMOTED HIS PERSONAL

  • AIDE, JOHN McENTEE, AND INSTRUCTED HIM TO PURGE THE

  • EXECUTIVE BRANCH OF ANYONE NOT LOYAL TO TRUMP.

  • A PURGE!

  • THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE SOVIET UNION.

  • INSTEAD OF RED SQUARE, IT'S ORANGE BLOB.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TO HELP HIM PURGE THE DISLOYAL,

  • "McENTEE PROMPTLY HIRED JAMES BACON, A 23-YEAR-OLD COLLEGE

  • SENIOR."

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "YOU HAD ME AT BACON."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • NOW-- >> Jon: WOW!

  • >> Stephen: A COLLEGE SENIOR!

  • CLEARLY, AS LONG AS YOU'RE BLINDLY LOYAL, TRUMP DOESN'T

  • CARE ABOUT AGE OR EXPERIENCE.

  • HERE TO TELL US MORE ABOUT THE ADMINISTRATION'S NEW HIRING

  • AND FIRING POLICY IS WHITE HOUSE MANAGEMENT DIRECTOR, KAYLA

  • McKENZIE.

  • THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

  • >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: SO, KAYLA-- >> DIRECTOR McKENZIE.

  • >> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES.

  • DIRECTOR McKENZIE, WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO THERE AT THE

  • WHITE HOUSE?

  • >> MY JOB IS TO CULL THE WEAK, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: REALLY?

  • HOW OLD ARE YOU?

  • >> HOW DARE YOU ASK A WOMAN HER AGE.

  • WHAT ELSE TO EXPECT FROM FAKE NEWS CBS.

  • YOU'RE AS BAD AS THE NEVER-TRUMPERS.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • TYRA BANKS IS HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR REAL NEWS ANCHOR GOES TO SOUTH

  • CAROLINA TO SEE WHAT VOTERS REALLY THINK.

  • STY WITH US.

WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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President Trump Is Purging The U.S. Government Of Anyone Not Blindly Loyal To Him

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/03/15
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