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WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
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I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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WITH ALL THE NEWS ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS, I HOPE EVERYONE'S
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DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO STAY SAFE.
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IF YOU NEED INFORMATION ABOUT HOW TO STAY HEALTHY, DON'T ASK
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DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE
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PRESIDENT'S APPROACH TO WELLNESS FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE
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PHYSICIAN AND MAN DESCRIBING THE SIZE OF TRUMP'S HOAGIE
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( LAUGHTER ) RONNY JACKSON.
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DR. RONNY IS EVIDENTLY RUNNING FOR CONGRESS DOWN IN TEXAS,
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AND IN A RECENT INTERVIEW, HE SAID ONE OF HIS BIGGEST REGRETS
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WAS NOT BEING ABLE TO ESTABLISH THE DIET AND EXERCISE REGIMEN HE
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HAD PLANNED FOR TRUMP.
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REALLY?
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THAT'S THE THING HE REGRETS?
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( LAUGHTER ) NOT BEING ABUSIVE TO HIS
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COLLEAGUES OR LOOSELY HANDLING PRESCRIPTION PAIN MEDICATIONS,
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OR THAT ONE TIME HE WRECKED A GOVERNMENT VEHICLE WHILE DRUNK.
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LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S QUALIFIED FOR CONGRESS, BUT HE'S
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DEFINITELY QUALIFIED FOR THE SUPREME COURT.
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( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
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NOW, JACKSON SAYS-- NOW, JACKSON DID HAVE ONE STRATEGY TO KEEP
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TRUMP HEALTHY.
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APPARENTLY HE HID VEGGIES IN TRUMP'S MASHED POTATOES BECAUSE
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NOTHING MAKES A PARANOID TYRANT FEEL SECURE LIKE HIDING STUFF IN
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HIS FOOD.
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( AS TRUMP ) "JARED, I NEED YOU TO BE MY
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TASTER.
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I THINK SOMEONE'S TRYING TO POISON ME WITH NUTRIENTS."
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CHECK YOUR CALENDARS: IT'S FEBRUARY 28, WHICH MEANS JUST
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ONE MORE SHOPPING DAY IN BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
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TO CELEBRATE, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WILL BE OPENING 15 COMMUNITY
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CENTERS TO REACH BLACK VOTERS.
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IT'S RUN BY A GROUP CALLED "BLACK VOICES FOR TRUMP," WHICH
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SOUNDS SURPRISING, BECAUSE TRUMP HS A LOT OF AFRICAN AMERICAN
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SUPPORT.
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FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S THIS GUY, THE SAME GUY AT ANOTHER RALLY,
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AND THE SAME GUY AGAIN, ALL IN DIFFERENT CITIES!
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IT'S LIKE A "WHERE'S WALDO," EXCEPT MUCH EASIER TO PICK OUT
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OF A CROWD.
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( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
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NOW, THIS WEEK-- ( CHEERS )
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THIS WEEK, THE CAMPAIGN LAUNCHED A PROTOTYPE OF ONE OF THE
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COMMUNITY CENTERS, AND HERE IT IS.
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IT'S JUST STUFF ON A TABLE, LIKE A T-SHIRT THAT JUST SAYS "WOKE."
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"WOKE"?
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AT THIS POINT, THAT'S GETTING A LITTLE DATED.
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NOT AS BAD AS THEIR OTHER BLACK OUTREACH T-SHIRT: DY-NO-MITE.
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( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP CLEARLY NEEDS TO DO
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SOMETHING, SINCE "MORE THAN EIGHT IN TEN BLACK AMERICANS SAY
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THEY BELIEVE TRUMP IS A RACIST."
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THE OTHER TWO ARE BEN CARSON AND KANYE WEST.
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( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
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DEMOCRATS-- DEMOCRATS ARE DEALING WITH THEIR
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OWN CONTROVERSY-- SPECIFICALLY, SENATE MINORITY LEADER,
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CHUCK SCHUMER, SEEN HERE ON THE COVER OF HIS JAZZ ALBUM, "THE
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SULTRY SENATE."
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APPARENTLY, THE "NEW YORK POST" LOOKED INTO SCHUMER'S F.E.C.
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FILINGS AND FOUND THE SHOCKING NEWS THAT HE HAS SPENT $8,600 ON
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CHEESECAKES IN THE PAST DECADE.
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NOW, AS SCANDALS GO, THIS ONE IS PRETTY MILD.
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AND VERY CREAMY.
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( LAUGHTER ) BUT SENATOR SCHUMER STILL
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ADDRESSED IT AT A PRESS CONFERENCE THIS WEEK.
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>> I GIVE THEM AS GIFTS.
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I USE THEM AS BETS.
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>> Stephen: YOU HEARD HIM, CHUCK SCHUMER BETS WITH
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CHEESECAKES.
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US I HAD ROLLERS KNOW THIS IS EXTREMELY COMMON.
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WHO COULD FORGET THIS CLASSIC SCENE FROM "CASINO ROYALE?"
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>> RAISE.
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>> RAISE.
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( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
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>> $14,500,000.
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>> WHOA!
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THAT'S A LOT OF CHEESECAKE.
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>> Stephen: FEARS-- FEARS OF CORONAVIRUS-- I DON'T REMEMBER
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THAT LAST.
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GUY.
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I REMEMBER EVERYTHING BUT THAT LAST GUY.
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FEARS OF CORONAVIRUS ARE RUNNING HIGH, AND TRUMP HAS BEEN
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ENCOURAGING GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES TO STAY HOME-- BY
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FIRING THEM FOR DISLOYALTY.
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IN FACT, IN THE WAKE OF TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT ACQUITTAL, THE WHITE
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HOUSE HAS CREATED LISTS OF DISLOYAL OFFICIALS.
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( AS TRUMP ) ♪ I'M MAKIN' A LIST
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CHECKIN' IT TWICE GONNA FIRE YOU THEN EAT
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A CAKE SLICE ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
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( APPLAUSE ) SO TO HANDLE THE LIST--
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♪ SCHUMER SENT ME CHEESECAKE TODAY ♪
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SO TO HANDLE THE LIST, TRUMP RECENTLY PROMOTED HIS PERSONAL
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AIDE, JOHN McENTEE, AND INSTRUCTED HIM TO PURGE THE
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EXECUTIVE BRANCH OF ANYONE NOT LOYAL TO TRUMP.
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A PURGE!
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THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE SOVIET UNION.
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INSTEAD OF RED SQUARE, IT'S ORANGE BLOB.
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( LAUGHTER ) TO HELP HIM PURGE THE DISLOYAL,
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"McENTEE PROMPTLY HIRED JAMES BACON, A 23-YEAR-OLD COLLEGE
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SENIOR."
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( AS TRUMP ) "YOU HAD ME AT BACON."
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( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
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NOW-- >> Jon: WOW!
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>> Stephen: A COLLEGE SENIOR!
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CLEARLY, AS LONG AS YOU'RE BLINDLY LOYAL, TRUMP DOESN'T
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CARE ABOUT AGE OR EXPERIENCE.
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HERE TO TELL US MORE ABOUT THE ADMINISTRATION'S NEW HIRING
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AND FIRING POLICY IS WHITE HOUSE MANAGEMENT DIRECTOR, KAYLA
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McKENZIE.
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THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
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>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, STEPHEN.
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>> Stephen: SO, KAYLA-- >> DIRECTOR McKENZIE.
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>> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES.
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DIRECTOR McKENZIE, WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO THERE AT THE
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WHITE HOUSE?
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>> MY JOB IS TO CULL THE WEAK, STEPHEN.
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>> Stephen: REALLY?
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HOW OLD ARE YOU?
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>> HOW DARE YOU ASK A WOMAN HER AGE.
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WHAT ELSE TO EXPECT FROM FAKE NEWS CBS.
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YOU'RE AS BAD AS THE NEVER-TRUMPERS.
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WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
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TYRA BANKS IS HERE.
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BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR REAL NEWS ANCHOR GOES TO SOUTH
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CAROLINA TO SEE WHAT VOTERS REALLY THINK.
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STY WITH US.