If you guys wouldn't mind, I'd like to write out

my thank-you notes right now. Is that okay?

[ Cheering and applause ]

Zhams?

[ Laughter ] Can I get some

thank-you note writing music, please?

[ Playing poignant tune ]

That top keyboard he never uses.

-Wow, never has used it once.

-Never uses it. Only uses the bottom one.

-Serves cold cuts on it.

-Yeah. [ Laughter ]

[ Fresh laughter and applause ]

♪♪

-Thank you, impeachment trial,

for being a lot like "The Bachelor" --

Televised, dramatic, mostly white,

and the only thing we know for sure is

that the guy's gonna get off at the end.

[ Laughter and applause ] -Ooh!

-Both: Oh, no!

-That's spicy! -Oh, no!

-No, you did not. -Oh, I did.

-Wow! -[Chuckle]

♪♪ [ Laughter ]

Thank you, Senators chewing gum, passing notes,

and using fidget spinners to pass the time.

It's nice to know an impeachment trial basically looks like

a middle school audience during a fire safety assembly.

[ Laughter, applause, and cheering ]

-Nice.

♪♪ [ Laughter ]

-Thank you, Grammy Awards,

for awarding both Record of the Year and Album of the Year

and forcing me to guess what the difference is.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Cheering ] -It's nothin'. -Record?

-What is the difference? Quest, you would know.

-Well, Album of the Year is the collection of songs;

Record of the Year is one specific song;

and Song of the Year is just for the songwriter,

not the artist.

[ Audience oohs ] -Ohhh, nice.

-[snapping fingers] So like Record of the Year is a single.

-Did you just snap? -Yeah, I did.

[ Snapping fingers ] [ Laughter ]

-Like, that's how you clap? -That's how I appreciate

someone's knowledge imparted to me.

My, thank you, Quest.

[ Laughter ] -You're welcome, Higgins.

-I like that.

You guys wanna do that?

[ Snapping fingers ] It's pretty cool.

-Ooh, it sounds like --

-If you like the next joke, snap.

-Okay. [ Laughter ]

-Dude, we can start something. -Yeah, come in and start it.

Snap it. -Dude, bring back pipes.

Bring back snaps. -Pipes and beatniks

and snapping, man. -Alright. Here we go.

Let's see. What if they don't like it?

[ Snapping fingers ]

♪♪ [ Laughter ]

Thank you, Super Bowl Halftime Show

starring J.Lo and Shakira.

Or, as most Americans are calling it,

the Feel Worse about my Butt Show.

[ Laughter ]

[ Snapping fingers ]

[ Fresh laughter ]

-Alright, forget it. I don't like it.

I don't like it. I don't like it.

A little too silent. -I understand, yes.

I understand. -Yeah. It's pretty cool, you know?

-[laughing] Please don't laugh uproariously. Just snap.

[ Laughter ] -We tried. We tried it.

You gotta try things.

-Hey, everything can't be a winner.

♪♪ -Thank you,

Rob Lowe wearing an NFL hat to a playoff game,

for being the clothing equivalent of shouting,

"Go, football!"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Cheering ] He still looks good.

[ Cheering and applause ]

We have to have him on. -Come on.

-We have to have him on to talk to him about that

'cause he's a funny -- -He's hilarious

and he always looks good. -He's a funny dude, yeah.

So it was like, "What was he...?"

I love that. -He's wearing an NFL hat.

Probably doing it as a goof. -"Go, football!"

[ Laughter ] So funny.

♪♪ [ Fresh laughter ]

Thank you, the Super Bowl,

or, as the Giants and Jets call it,

fantasy football.

[ Audience oohs ] -Oh.

I know. I know, I know. -Ohhh!

Oh, no, you didn't.

-I know. I know what I did. -Oh, Jimmy, you cannot say that!

-I know what I did. -Don't be talkin' down my team.

-I know what I did. [ Laughter ]

♪♪ [ Chuckle ]

Thank you, charcuterie platters,

for letting me slowly eat

an entire ham-and-cheese sandwich

before my dinner comes.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Cheering ] -Oink!

-Yet, I still do it.

-I love 'em, man.

-Like, "I'll have sliders for an appetizer."

"What would you like for your main?"

"Oh, a hamburger."

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Thank you, viral photo of baby Jabba the Hutt,

for letting me know that the Mucinex Man

isn't the only talented one in his family.

[ Laughter and applause ]

♪♪ [ Laughter ]

-Thank you, Uber, for making it seem normal

to open a stranger's car door and say,

"Jebediah?"

[ Laughter and applause ]

That might be my favorite thank-you note we've ever done.

-Jebediah.

Jebediah? Yes?

-Jebediah?

[ Laughter ]

-No.

-No, you're not Jebediah?

Sure. Sorry. My apologies. -I know. I'm leaving.

I'll take another Uber.

[ Laughter ] ♪♪

-Thank you, kombucha,

for being invented by someone who took a sip of tea

and was like, "Pretty good, but,

what if this had a fermented oyster inside of it?"

[ Laughter and applause ] Those are my thank-you notes.