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  • *** right into your arms.

  • You taking my blood pressure?

  • Taken?

  • All of it.

  • Chelsea?

  • Yes.

  • I'm assuming this is a lie detector test.

  • That's correct.

  • Okay.

  • Is your name Chelsea Handler?

  • Yes.

  • Is your middle name Joy?

  • Yes.

  • Were you born in New Jersey?

  • I waas Are these?

  • Yes and no.

  • Or can I elaborate for now?

  • It's yes or no.

  • Okay, we just need to calibrate the machine, OK?

  • Yes.

  • Are you ready to take a lie detector test?

  • Yes, a story Lista, as they would say in Espana.

  • Just so you guys know I could take it in Spanish or English.

  • It's up to you.

  • Let's stick to English.

  • Okay, No problem.

  • So the first category is your life.

  • Thank you.

  • As a teenager, you competed in the Miss Teen New Jersey pageant.

  • Is that correct?

  • Yes.

  • We're fond memories.

  • Yes.

  • Did you win?

  • That was not a fun memory.

  • And thank you for bringing up.

  • No, I didn't.

  • When I came in top 15.

  • Were you in the pageant for world peace?

  • That wasn't an issue back then.

  • Were you in it for the money?

  • No, there was no money in it.

  • What were you in it for the recognition that I was beautiful and that I could use an entire bottle of aqua net on my head in one sitting and go out in a prom dress or a gown or whatever the fuck I war and kill it.

  • Obviously, the notes backward that I did not kill it.

  • But I did come in town 15.

  • And for that I am very proud.

  • I think that's worth being proud of.

  • Thank you.

  • Nobody asked you moving on.

  • Just being in a beauty pageant mean that you faked hand?

  • Probably.

  • I doubt my parents paid for that, though.

  • So I don't know how I got tan.

  • I probably had to go outside.

  • Do you still think 10?

  • Yes.

  • Do you think you look better with a tan?

  • Yes.

  • Obviously everybody looks better with a little bit of a tan.

  • Okay, you too.

  • Do you think this man looks better with a tan?

  • That's not a tan.

  • That's a burn, an orange burn.

  • That's when you get burned by an actual orange.

  • That sounds accurate.

  • Is my blood pressure going up?

  • But sometimes it does.

  • When I see photos of that, it is a little bit actually Yes.

  • I'm sorry If the veins start dropping out of my neck, I would like to take a break.

  • You also celebrated your bought mitzvah as a teen.

  • Correct?

  • That's more than most people celebrate their bar mitzvahs.

  • Do you remember your Torah reading my total reading?

  • No.

  • No, I don't.

  • I barely remember my butt mints foot.

  • I was in a blackout.

  • Do you remember your outfit?

  • Yes.

  • Yes, I do.

  • It was cream virginal, if you will.

  • That was the last time I wore white.

  • Am I telling the truth so far?

  • Exactly.

  • Thank you Was your bottom?

  • It's for a hot invite.

  • In middle school.

  • It was the opposite of that.

  • It was in my parent's backyard.

  • And I don't recall having any friends there.

  • And then my parents took the money that everybody gave me from their friends.

  • I got envelopes of cash that I was so excited about.

  • And then they took all the money and kept it.

  • So that's what growing up in my house was like.

  • He worked as a waitress before, right?

  • Thank you.

  • That's correct.

  • Did you ever flirt to get a bigger tip?

  • Yes.

  • Yes, I did.

  • I've slept with people at at restaurants.

  • So they weren't people that were gonna take me.

  • There were other people that work with the restaurant that was, you know, when you could to things like that.

  • So did I flirt with people for a better tip?

  • Yeah.

  • The answer would be yes.

  • Did I sleep with anybody?

  • I don't even think you asked that, did you?

  • I didn't know.

  • Okay, so let's rewind.

  • Answer.

  • Yes.

  • Well, we have that on the record now, so Okay.

  • You ever spit in a bad customers food?

  • Never.

  • I would never spit in anyone's food.

  • Well, that's not true, but I never did that as a waitress.

  • And people who do that are so stupid and petty, the person doesn't even know that you spit in their food.

  • So what's the point of that?

  • You catch my drift, girl.

  • Oh, I know what you're talking about.

  • That talk about passive aggressive If I'm gonna spit, I'm gonna do it right in your face and say, Hey, whatever you do to spend, you know, however that goes, give her drinks someone's leftover.

  • One doubted I'm not in a leftover cocktails.

  • That's kind of gross, but food is different.

  • if there are sections of the plate that have been untouched.

  • You know when people don't get to like three ravioli, the two are safe that are not in the frame, you know, with the sauce.

  • If you could see untouched food, why not take a little potato gnocchi and pop it right into your mouth?

  • I can't pass up a ravioli.

  • You told Ellen and 2017 that you've never hooked up with a fan, but that was two years ago.

  • So is that still true?

  • Yeah, I've never hooked up with a fan.

  • I don't think now, not like after a show or anything like that.

  • No, I haven't hooked up with a fan.

  • No, that's for men.

  • Men do that.

  • Have you ever hooked up with someone that you were a fan of?

  • Most of the people I've had sex with, I'm not.

  • Let me think.

  • A fan of a famous person?

  • No.

  • No.

  • I've only hooked up with men that I'm not fans off.

  • Is that true?

  • That's true.

  • You recently talked about how Donald Trump becoming president pushed you into therapy.

  • Does that mean you'll stop going to therapy once he's out of office?

  • Um I know it doesn't.

  • I will remain in therapy sporadically for the rest of my life because I realized how helpful it is.

  • I actually like to thank the Trump family.

  • Not that I will, but I would like to thank them for making me have a meltdown and having to go to therapy, because I think that I'm a much better person for it.

  • I'm certainly much calmer than I used to bay.

  • And I know how to take deep breaths now.

  • So, you know, I would thank them if they were human beings, but since they're not, I can't thank them.

  • So whatever.

  • Does that answer your question?

  • I think that summed it up.

  • Excellent.

  • You've openly talked about working through your own daddy.

  • Issues in therapy.

  • Do you think this woman has sat issue?

  • Yes.

  • Yes, I do.

  • What about this woman?

  • She's got different.

  • Yes, she's got the same.

  • Yeah, you're right.

  • They all have issues.

  • She's got daddy issues.

  • You think they have separate daddy issues?

  • Yeah, they have seven ones from being ignored.

  • And one's from having too much attention from the daddy and once from no attention from the daddy.

  • So you know how that goes.

  • You have to chow chose.

  • Is that right?

  • That is correct.

  • Thank you.