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LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
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OF COURSE, IT WAS A BIG DAY FOR DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL
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CANDIDATES.
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THE NATION'S FIRST PRIMARY WAS HELD TODAY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE.
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WOW.
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NEW HAMPSHIRE ALREADY.
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IT FEELS LIKE THEY JUST STARTED CAMPAIGNING... 600 YEARS AGO.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WHILE WE DON'T HAVE FINAL
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RESULTS AT THE TIME OF THIS TAPING, IT APPEARS BERNIE
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SANDERS IS GOING TO WIN.
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AND IF HE DOES, BERNIE PLANS TO SPLURGE ON A BIG PIGEON-FEEDING
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TRIP TO THE NEAREST PARK BENCH.
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( LAUGHTER ) GOING TO GO ALL OUT.
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IT MUST BE FRUSTRATING FOR PETE BUTTIGIEG TO LOSE NEW HAMPSHIRE,
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SINCE HE LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE A NEW HAMSTER.
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( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE STRANGE QUIRKS OF THE
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NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY IS THAT SOME VERY SMALL TOWNS ARE THE
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FIRST TO VOTE.
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AND SHORTLY AFTER MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT
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MIKE BLOOMBERG WON IN A PLACE CALLED DIXVILLE NOTCH.
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DIXVILLE NOTCH.
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I'M JUST AMAZED WE CAN SAY THAT ON CBS.
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( LAUGHTER ) "DIXVILLE NOTCH" SOUNDS LESS
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LIKE A PLACE AND MORE LIKE SOMETHING JOE BIDEN WOULD SCREAM
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AFTER STUBBING HIS TOE.
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"DIXVILLE NOTCH!" ( LAUGHTER )
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THIS IS TRUE-- FIVE RESIDENTS VOTED.
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THAT'S RIGHT, FIVE.
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AND BLOOMBERG WON WITH THREE VOTES.
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( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH HIS OPPONENTS ARE
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ALREADY TRYING TO SPIN THIS, CALLING BLOOMBERG THE "KING OF
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DIXVILLE."
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( LAUGHTER ) WHAT A WEIRD TRADITION.
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IT SHOULDN'T BE A NEWS STORY THAT SOMEONE WON AN ELECTION
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WITH THE SAME NUMBER OF VOTES AS THERE ARE JONAS BROTHERS.
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( LAUGHTER ) TWO OTHER NEW HAMPSHIRE TOWNS
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VOTED AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT, AND THEY WERE BOTH WON BY AMY
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KLOBUCHAR.
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BEFORE YOU KLOBUCHAR FANS GET TOO EXCITED, THOSE TWO TOWNS
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COMBINED HAVE A POPULATION OF 62 PEOPLE.
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( LAUGHTER ) OR AS THE PEOPLE OF DIXVILLE
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NOTCH CALL THAT, "THOSE BIG OLE FANCY CITIES."
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( LAUGHTER ) I THINK I KNOW WHY SHE WON.
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AT THE LAST DEBATE, SENATOR KLOBUCHAR REALLY STOOD OUT AS
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THE ONE CANDIDATE WHO DIDN'T SPEND THE WHOLE TIME ANGRILY
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POINTING.
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( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO AMY
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KLOBUCHAR IS, DON'T WORRY, NEITHER DID ANYONE ELSE UNTIL
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TONIGHT.
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( LAUGHTER ) WELL, SHE'S A SENATOR FROM
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MINNESOTA WHO ONCE, AFTER AN AIDE FORGOT TO BRING HER A
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FORK FOR LUNCH, ATE A SALAD WITH A USED COMB.
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( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TRUE STORY.
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HOW IS A COMB YOUR FIRST THOUGHT WHEN YOUR FINGERS ARE RIGHT
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THERE?
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( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE
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DISGUSTING, BE DISGUSTING.
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( LAUGHTER ) SHE ATE HER SALAD WITH A COMB.
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AS OPPOSED TO BERNIE SANDERS, WHO COMBS HIS HAIR WITH A FORK.
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( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, HERE'S SOME NEWS FROM
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MY HOMELAND.
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AFTER POLICE OFFICERS IN THE U.K. SEIZED A FOOD DELIVERY
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DRIVER'S CAR DURING AN ARREST, THEY NOTICED A BAG OF FAST FOOD
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INSIDE.
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SO THEY WENT AHEAD AND DELIVERED THE CUSTOMER'S MEAL.
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I MEAN, IT IS THEIR JOB TO PROTECT AND SERVE.
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"HERE'S YOUR DINNER.
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ANYTHING FROM THE DESSERT MENU?" ( LAUGHTER )
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TO BE FAIR, MOST OF THE MEAL WAS DELIVERED TO THE CUSTOMER.
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SOME OF THE CHICKEN NUGGETS WERE TAKEN BACK TO THE STATION
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FOR... "QUESTIONING."
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( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, HERE'S A STORY FROM
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A POSTAL WORKER WAS CAUGHT STASHING MAIL THAT HE'D FAILED
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TO DELIVER.
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OVER THE COURSE OF A YEAR, HE HAD DUMPED OVER 5,000 PIECES OF
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MAIL IN A STORAGE UNIT BECAUSE HE "FELT TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO
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COMPLETE HIS ROUTE."
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( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
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I GUESS THIS EXPLAINS WHY I NEVER GOT AN INVITATION TO
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OPRAH'BIRTHDAY PARTY.
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( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TERRIBLE TO THINK OF ALL
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THAT MAIL IN A STORAGE UNIT AND NOT IN OUR MAILBOXES, THEN ON
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THE KITCHEN TABLE FOR A FEW DAYS, THEN EVENTUALLY IN THE
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RECYCLING BIN WHERE IT BELONGS.
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( LAUGHTER ) 5,000 PIECES OF MAIL STUFFED IN
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A STORAGE UNIT.
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MOMENT TO PAY TRIBUTE TO SOME OF THE UNDELIVERED MA LOST IN
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THIS INCIDENT.
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♪ ( LAUGHTER )
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♪ ( LAUGHTER )
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
