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  • Outside of China,

  • one of the countries hardest hit by the coronavirus

  • has been Italy.

  • Corona cases there seem to be doubling overnight,

  • and it's gotten so bad that at the Sistine Chapel,

  • -God is now refusing to touch man. -(laughter)

  • And as for the government of Italy,

  • they've just decided to shut it all down.

  • All of Italy is going on lockdown.

  • Tonight the prime minister announcing drastic new measures

  • just a short time ago, essentially telling everyone

  • in his country to stay home.

  • NEWSMAN: Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte announcing tonight

  • severe restrictions on the entire nation

  • of around 60 million people.

  • From tomorrow morning, all sporting events are off,

  • including soccer.

  • The general public should only go to work

  • and work from home if possible.

  • In a Rome suburb, the faithful celebrated Mass outdoors.

  • Notice the distance between them,

  • adhering to government advice that members of the public

  • should stay three feet away from one another.

  • Yeah, that's right, folks. Thanks to corona,

  • Italy is completely locked down.

  • No soccer matches. No cinema.

  • Even church has changed,

  • because worshippers don't want to get too close.

  • And it's gonna be hard to take communion seriously when the...

  • the priest has to throw wafers into people's mouths

  • from across the room-- can you imagine that?

  • Just gonna be like, "The body of Christ...

  • -from downtown!" -(laughter)

  • But it's not just Europe.

  • Coronavirus is also wreaking havoc here in the U.S.

  • And it's becoming clear that no one is safe.

  • Back here in this country, two members of Congress

  • are putting themselves under quarantine,

  • because a man attending a large gathering of Republicans

  • tested positive for the coronavirus.

  • Senator Ted Cruz

  • and Congressman Paul Gosar say they had contact with the man

  • at last month's event, known as CPAC.

  • NEWSWOMAN: Two additional Republican congressmen

  • will undergo self-quarantine.

  • Matt Gaetz and Doug Collins join Senator Ted Cruz...

  • NEWSMAN: Cruz releasing a statement saying:

  • Yeah. Because coronavirus was at CPAC,

  • four Republican lawmakers are now quarantined

  • and can have no human contact.

  • And Ted Cruz is like, "What's human contact?"

  • (laughter)

  • Now, what's really concerning

  • is that if it turns out multiple people in Congress

  • have had corona contact,

  • they might have to send all of Congress home.

  • Which would be a disaster,

  • because if there's no one in Congress,

  • then who would be left to not pass any laws?

  • And look, with coronavirus spreading across the country,

  • I know a lot of people are scared right now.

  • But there is no need to fear, my friends,

  • because, you see, the stable genius in chief

  • is on the case, and he's gonna do everything he can

  • to help all of us through this thing.

  • Unless you're already sick-- then-then you're on your own.

  • NEWSMAN: This morning, 3,500 people

  • on the Grand Princess cruise ship

  • will disembark in Oakland, California.

  • Of the just 45 people tested, 21 have confirmed cases.

  • All guests will remain in isolation for 14 days.

  • Politico reports that Pence and Health Department officials

  • reason that quickly removing passengers

  • was the safest outcome.

  • But the president, he had a very different idea.

  • (laughter)

  • You know one thing I appreciate about Trump

  • is that even if he does the right thing,

  • he still tells us that he wanted to do the wrong thing.

  • He's like, "Everyone told me to save those people on the boat,

  • "but if it was up to me, I'd let those bastards die.

  • -(laughter) -"Just give me one fire arrow,

  • "and I'll solve the boat problem Viking style. Boom.

  • Corona's Valhalla's problem now."

  • (laughter)

  • What's fascinating about Trump is that,

  • even as he bumbles his way through the corona response,

  • he thinks that he's doing an amazing job.

  • Yeah. Yeah, maybe you should have done a lot of things

  • -(cheering) -other than running for president.

  • But... but this is where we are now.

  • And I'll be honest, even if Trump had some other job,

  • I still think he'd just find a way to somehow ruin things.

  • Like, even if he was a mailman, he'd still screw things up.

  • Be like, "Ding-dong, I've got your corona vaccine.

  • "But I ran over it with my truck.

  • If you suck on the cardboard, you should be fine."

  • And by the way, I... I'm not sure that Trump has

  • a natural ability for science,

  • especially considering that he thinks scientific knowledge

  • can be passed down through his uncle.

  • (laughter)

  • Trump doesn't have... a natural abi...

  • he doesn't have a natural anything.

  • I mean, that's why we can all see his tan

  • wiping off on his collar.

  • -There's nothing natural about this man. -(groans)

  • Yeah. That's not a normal thing.

  • (laughter)

  • Look, man, clearly Trump is not a natural expert at this,

  • because he said the vaccine could be ready in a few months.

  • It can't. A couple weeks ago,

  • he said the number of cases would quickly go down to zero.

  • It has been the opposite. He even said

  • that you can't spread the disease

  • if you sneeze with your eyes open.

  • -Achoo! It doesn't help. -(laughter)

  • And look, Trump... Trump can't afford to be misinformed

  • about corona, not just because he's president,

  • but because, as an older man who's not in great shape

  • and spends his time touching strangers,

  • he's definitely at risk.

  • If Trump is not careful, he could get sick,

  • he could be incapacitated, or, worst of all,

  • he could be trapped in quarantine with Ted Cruz.

Outside of China,

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Coronavirus: Trump Visits the CDC & Italy Locks Down | The Daily Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/03/13
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