Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • WELCOME, ONE AND ALL.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, MONSIEUR AND

  • MADAME.

  • MR. AND MRS. AMERICA AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA.

  • >> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN FEEL THAT EXCITEMENT.

  • AND THAT EXCITEMENT COMES FROM ONLY ONE THING-- WE ARE LIVE--

  • LOOK AT, THAT LIVE-- AFTER-- RIGHT THERE.

  • THAT PROVES IT.

  • WE ARE LIVE FOLLOWING THE SOUTH CAROLINA DEBATE AIRING RIGHT

  • HERE ON CBS WITH BERNIE SANDERS, MICHAEL

  • BLOOMBERG, AND JOE BIDEN, SO A LITTLE YOUNG FOR CBS.

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S SPECIAL LIVE DEBATE

  • EDITION OF: >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

  • >> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.

  • >> DONALD TRUMP'S WORST NIGHTMARE!

  • >> WE'RE AT EACH OTHERS' THROATS.

  • >> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

  • >> I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN LIKE A DRUM!

  • >> AAHH.

  • >> YOU KNOW WHO NUMBER ONE IS IN TRUMP?

  • >> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE: 2020."

  • >> Stephen: NOW, TONIGHT ON THAT HIGHWAY TO HELL, THE DEMOCRATS

  • MET IN MY HOMETOWN OF CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA.

  • AND THESE FOLKS SAID A LOT OF WORDS, AND I DID NOT HEAR MANY

  • OF THEM.

  • THE CANDIDATES WERE SPEAK ALL OVER EACH OTHER.

  • I THINK THE QUOTE OF THE NIGHT HAD TO BE, "ARGLE BARGLE-MORBLE

  • WHOOSH-PEAS AND CAROTS-HE SAID MY NAME!

  • HE SAID MY NAME!" NOW, ONE CANDIDATE-- IT SAYS

  • THAT RIGHT THERE.

  • LEGALLY, THAT'S THE QUOTE OF THE NIGHT.

  • ONE CANDIDATE WASN'T EXACTLY IN TOP FORM COMING INTO THE DEBATE.

  • HERE'S JOE BIDEN LAST NIGHT: >> MY NAME'S JOE BIDEN.

  • I'M A DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE FOR THE UNITED STATES SENATE.

  • >> Stephen: OH!

  • THAT'S A TINY LITTLE GAFFE FROM PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOE

  • BIDEN.

  • BUT, HEY, WE ALL MISSPEAK SOMETIMES.

  • I'M SURE HE'LL NAIL THE REST OF THIS SENTENCE.

  • >> LOOK ME OVER.

  • IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, HELP OUT, IF NOT VOTE FOR THE OTHER

  • BIDEN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "I'M JOE BIDEN AND

  • I'M RUNNING FOR BIDEN AGAINST THE OTHER BIDEN.

  • LOOK ME OVER.

  • IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, WRAP ME IN A BLANKET, AND TAKE ME TO

  • A SAFE PLACE FILLED WITH PEOPLE I KNOW.

  • THE ADDRESS IS RIGHT HERE ON THE BRACELET.

  • COME ON!

  • LET'S GO, MAN!

  • COME ON!

  • LISTEN, FOLKS, LISTEN!" ( APPLAUSE )

  • WORST IMPRESSION OF ALL TIME.

  • NOW-- SORRY ABOUT THAT.

  • THE DEBATE TONIGHT KICKED OFF WITH A COUPLE OF HAYMAKERS

  • BETWEEN BERNIE AND BLOOMY.

  • >> THE ECONOMY IS DOING REALLY GREAT FOR PEOPLE LIKE

  • MR. BLOOMBERG AND OTHER BILLIONAIRES.

  • >> VLADIMIR PUTIN THINKS THAT DONALD TRUMP SHOULD BE PRESIDENT

  • OF THE UNITED STATES, AND THAT'S WHY RUSSIA IS HELPING YOU GET

  • ELECTED.

  • >> OH-- >> Stephen: WOW.

  • THAT IS REALLY PUNCHING BELOW THE BELT, BUT THEN AGAIN,

  • BLOOMBERG CAN'T REACH MUCH HIGHER!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT BERNIE HAD A SIMPLE MESSAGE

  • FOR ONE MR. VLADIMIR PUTIN.

  • >> HEY, MR. PUTIN, IF I'M PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

  • TRUST ME, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO INTERFERE IN ANY MORE AMERICAN

  • ELECTIONS.

  • >> Stephen: (AS SANDERS) "BECAUSE IF I'M PRESIDENT, WE

  • WON'T BE VOTING ON MACHINES HE CAN HACK.

  • I'LL MAKE SURE EVERYBODY GETS A PEBBLE AND WE ALL PUT THE PEBBLE

  • IN THE OLD COFFEE CAN OF THEIR CANDIDATE.

  • VOTE BERNIE-MAXWELL HOUSE 2020!" IT'S A SOLUTION!

  • IT WILL WORK!

  • IT'S A REVOLUTION!

  • CHOCK FULL OF NUTS!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • THIS TIME-- THIS TIME IT WASN'T JUST BLOOMBERG ATTACKING

  • SANDERS.

  • ALL THE CANDIDATES HAD THEIR TORCHES OUT TO SET FIRE TO THE

  • WICKER BERNIE.

  • FOR INSTANCE, MAYOR PETE PROPOSED A THOUGHT EXPERIMENT.

  • >> IMAGINE SPENDING THE BETTER PART OF 2020 WITH BERNIE SANDERS

  • VERSUS DONALD TRUMP.

  • >> Stephen: PERSONALLY, I THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT BECAUSE BERNIE

  • AND TRUMP ARE THE ONLY TWO IMPRESSIONS I CAN DO.

  • IT'S REALLY HARD TO DO A MAYOR PETE.

  • (AS PETE) "HELLO, SIR OR MADAM, CAN YOU

  • DIRECT MYSELF AND CHASTEN TO THE NEAREST WINE CAVE?"

  • NOTHING, IT DOESN'T HAVE JUICE.

  • BIDEN TOUTED HIS SUCCESS AMONG BLACK VOTERS.

  • >> I'VE WORKED LIKE THE DEVIL TO EARN THE VOTE OF THE AFRICAN

  • AMERICAN COMMUNITY.

  • >> Stephen: UNLIKE TRUMP, WHO HAS WORKED WITH THE DEVIL TO GET

  • THE SUPPORT OF THE WHITE COMMUNITY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, BIDEN WAS ALSO--

  • ( APPLAUSE ) SURE YNOT.

  • >> Jon: BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

  • >> Stephen: BIG FANS OF THE DEVIL HERE TONIGHT.

  • BIDEN WAS ALSO CONFIDENT ABOUT HIS PROSPECTS IN THIS WEEKEND'S

  • PRIMARY: >> I WILL WIN SOUTH CAROLINA.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "I WILL WIN SOUTH CAROLINA-- I

  • WILL BE THEIR NEXT SENATOR, AS SURE AS MY NAME IS SKEETER

  • 'HOTDOG' PICKLESWORTH."

  • COME ON, MAN!" WHEN THE SUBJECT OF STOP AND

  • FRISK IN NEW YORK CAME UP, MAYOR BLOOMBERG TRIED TO EXPLAIN HOW

  • MUCH HE'S LEARNED SINCE THEN.

  • >> I'VE MET WITH BLACK LEADERS TO TRY TO GET AN UNDERSTANDING

  • OF HOW I CAN BETTER POSITION MYSELF.

  • >> Stephen: MR. MAYOR, I HAVE A FEELING A LOT OF BLACK

  • LEADERS WANT YOUR POSITION TO BE SPREAD EAGLE UP AGAINST A WALL.

  • BUT HE BLOOMED ON.

  • >> I HAVE OVER 100 BLACK ELECTED OFFICIALS THAT HAVE

  • ENDORSED ME.

  • A LOT OF THEM ARE IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BLOOMBERG) "A LOT OF THEM ARE IN THE

  • AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

  • OFFICER, STOP THEM.

  • CHECK THEIR POCKETS.

  • THERE'S AN ENDORSEMENT IN THERE SOMEPLACE.

  • I PROMISE YOU."

  • THEN-- ALL OF BLOOMBERG'S VOTERS ARE HERE TONIGHT, I THINK.

  • THEN BLOOMBERG GOT ASKED IF IT WAS WRONG FOR HIM TO HAVE MADE

  • SEXIST JOKES IN THE PAST.

  • >> PROBABLY WRONG TO MAKE THE JOKES.

  • I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BLOOMBERG) "I REMEMBER!

  • DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE GUY WHO ASKED THE GENIE FOR A

  • 12-INCH PIANIST.

  • I SEE NOW THAT JOKE IS INCREDIBLY OFFENSIVE TO SHORT

  • PEOPLE."

  • THEN, AFTER A QUESTION ABOUT THE COST OF BERNIE'S MEDICARE FOR

  • ALL PROGRAM, THINGS GOT A LITTLE SHOUT-Y.

  • >> I THINK WE WERE TALKING ABOUT MATH, AND IT DOESN'T TAKE TWO

  • HOURS TO DO THE MATH.

  • SANDERS: LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH.

  • LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH.

  • LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH, BABY

  • LET'S TALK ABOUT HEALTH FOR FREE

  • LET'S TAX THE 1% AND BRING AN END TO POVERTY

  • LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • YES!

  • SENATOR KLOBUCHAR BROUGHT HER MIDWESTERNESS TO THE GUN DEBATE:

  • >> I LOOK AT THESE PROPOSALS AND SAY, "DO THEY HURT MY UNCLE DICK

  • IN THE DEER STAND?" ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Stephen: SENATE, I'M PRETTY SURE MICHAEL BLOOMBERG HAD TO

  • SIGN AN N.D.A. FOR TALKING ABOUT HIS "UNCLE DICK IN A DEERSTAND."

  • IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

  • THEN BLOOMBERG TRIED A ZINGER.

  • >> LET ME ALSO JUST SAY BECAUSE JUST-- SINCE I HAVE THE FLOOR

  • FOR A SECOND-- THAT I REALLY AM SURPRISED THAT ALL OF THESE--

  • MY FELLOW CONTESTANTS UP HERE, I GUESS WOULD BE THE RIGHT WORD

  • FOR IT, GIVEN NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION TO THE CLOCK.

  • I'M SURPRISED THEY SHOW UP BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

  • AFTER I DID SUCH A GOOD JOB WITH BEATING THEM LAST WEEK THAT

  • THEY WOULD BE AFRAID TO DO THAT.

  • >> Stephen: OH, OKAY, NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY HE ASKS PEOPLE TO

  • SIGN AN N.D.A. AFTER HE TELLS A JOKE.

  • NO ONE WANTS TO REMEMBER THAT.

  • MAYOR BLOOMBERG KEPT WORKSHOPPING HIS "COMEDY."

  • >> I THINK WHAT'S RIGHT FOR NEW YORK CITY ISN'T NECESSARILY

  • RIGHT FOR ALL THE OTHER CITIES.

  • OTHERWISE, YOU'D HAVE A NAKED COWBOY IN EVERY CITY.

  • >> Stephen: NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIVE IN NEW YORK

  • CITY, THERE'S THIS CRAZY MAN WHO WANDERS AROUND THE CITY AND WILL

  • NOT LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE.

  • AND THAT MAN'S NAME IS MIKE BLOOMBERG.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH, BABY

  • LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU AND METHANK YOU, THANK YOU, JON.

  • MIKE BLOOMBERG WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT WHEN IT CAME TO

  • MARIJUANA, THE OTHERS WEREN'T BOGARTING THE PANDERING.

  • >> LOOK, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS WE SHOULD NOT MAKE THIS A