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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, AND WE ARE COMING TO YOU RIGHT

  • NOW-- THAT IS THE EXCITEMENT OF A LIVE SHOW, LIVE, RIGHT AFTER--

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RIGHT AFTER TONIGHT'S STATE OF

  • THE UNION.

  • THAT MEANS WE JUST WATCHED WHAT YOU JUST WATCHED.

  • WE FELT WHAT YOU FELT!

  • WE DRANK WHAT YOU DRANK!

  • ONLY NOW WE'RE DRUNK AT WORK NOW.

  • I HOPE MY BOSS DOESN'T FIND OUT.

  • OH WAIT, THAT'S ME!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, I HAVE A-- I HAVE A FEELING

  • HE'S GOING TO BE COOL WITH IT.

  • NOW, TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP ADDRESSED THE FOLKS WHO ARE

  • STILL DECIDING HIS FATE IN THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

  • YOU KNOW, IT GOT A LITTLE AWKWARD AT TIMES.

  • AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN A VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF OUR

  • SEGMENT, "DON AND THE GIANT IMSPEECH."

  • >> THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS-- I DON'T LIKE MOSQUITOES!

  • >> Stephen: TONIGHT'S SPEECH HAD A THEME: "THE GREAT AMERICAN

  • COMEBACK."

  • NICE TITLE.

  • BUT I WANT TO POINT OUT, TONIGHT HE NEVER ACTUALLY SAID THE GREAT

  • AMERICAN COMEBACK: "I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THEN, THE BIG MOMENT ARRIVED.

  • FIRST, THEY INTRODUCED THE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES, LED BY

  • JOHN ROBERTS, WHO IS STILL WORKING DOUBLE DUTY OVERSEEING

  • THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

  • YET ANOTHER AMERICAN FORCED TO WORK TWO JOBS IN TRUMP'S

  • ECONOMY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND AS ALWAYS, THE PRESIDENT

  • INVITED SOME SPECIAL GUESTS TO THE GALLERY, WITH

  • INSPIRING STORIES OF ENDURING UNIMAGINABLE HARDSHIP.

  • FOR INSTANCE, MELANIA.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OOF COURSE, AS IS TRADITIONAL--

  • ( APPLAUSE ) SURE, MELANIA, WHY NOT.

  • FIRST LADY.

  • AS IS TRADITIONAL, MIKE PENCE WAS THERE.

  • HE GOT SPECIAL PERMISSION FROM MOTHER TO STAND THAT CLOSE TO A

  • WOMAN.

  • AND BEFORE THE SPEECH EVEN STARTED, TRUMP THREW SOME SHADE.

  • HE WOULDN'T SHAKE PELOSI'S HAND!

  • THERE IT IS.

  • >> Audience: OOOH!

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • MADAM SPEAKER, NEXT TIME JUST OFFER HIM ONE FINGER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • WHAT?

  • WHAAA.

  • ONCE DONALD TRUMP STARTED TALKING, HE TOUTED THE ECONOMY.

  • >> THE YEARS OF ECONOMIC DECAY ARE OVER.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) BUT THE YEARS OF MENTAL DECAY

  • HAVE JUST BEGUN!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHERE IS KANSAS CITY?

  • WHERE IS MISSOURI?

  • I'LL NEVER KNOW."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, TRUMP JUMPED RIGHT INTO

  • BRAG MODE: >> WE HAVE REJECTED THE

  • DOWNSIZING OF AMERICANS' DESTINY.

  • WE HAVE TOTALLY REJECTED THE DOWNSIZING.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WE WILL NOT DOWNSIZE.

  • WE WILL SUPER-SIZE THE MEAL OF ECONOMIC GROWTH, BIGGIE JOB,

  • BIGGIE FRY.

  • WE WILL NOTCH A NEW BELT LOOP IN THE MAN-SPANX OF FREEDOM."

  • BUT TRUMP DID A LOT OF BRAGGING ABOUT THE ECONOMY AS I SAID, AND

  • HE SINGLED OUT THIS DEMOGRAPHIC: >> A RECORD NUMBER OF AMERICANS

  • ARE NOW EMPLOYED.

  • >> Stephen: MOSTLY CAMPAIGNING FOR BERNIE.

  • AND THEN-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • A LITTLE LOUDER.

  • NOT GETTING IT OVER HERE, RIGHT HERE.

  • AND THEN HE SAID THESE ACTUAL INSANE PHRASES THAT WERE

  • ACTUALLY WRITTEN INTO THE ACTUAL STATE OF THE UNION.

  • >> THE FACT IS THAT EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE WHERE THE ACTION IS

  • AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS INDEED THE PLACE WHERE THE

  • ACTION IS.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THAT IS OUR NATION'S NEW MOTTO:

  • AMERICA: WHERE THE ACTION IS, HOME OF THE LOOSEST SLOTS IN THE

  • FREE WORLD."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO

  • ANSWERED ONE OF THE BIGGEST QUESTIONS THAT WE'VE ALL HAD FOR

  • PAST FOUR YEARS.

  • >> UNFAIR TRADE IS PERHAPS THE SINGLE BIGGEST REASON THAT I

  • DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)

  • "THAT, AND A DARE FROM GARY BUSEY.

  • GARY, YOU OWE ME TWENTY BUCKS."

  • NOW, IT DID NOT TAKE LONG FOR TRUMP TO WAX PHILOSOPHICAL.

  • >> ALWAYS REMEMBER, FREEDOM UNIFIES THE SOUL.

  • >> Stephen: YES, THIS PART OF THE SPEECH BROUGHT TO YOU BY

  • MAGNETIC REFRIGERATOR POETRY.

  • (AS TRUMP) "FREEDOM... UNIFIES... THE

  • SOUL... DESPAIR...

  • EXTINGUISHES... BANANA."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • "I LIKE IT.

  • I LIKE IT.

  • PUT THE BOX OVER THERE."

  • ( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP TOOK A MOMENT TO CELEBRATE

  • AND BOAST ABOUT OUR NEW MILITARY HARD BARE.

  • >> WE HAVE PURCHASED THE FINEST PLANES, MISSILES, ROCKETS,

  • SHIPS.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "ONLY THE FINEST.

  • WE SPRANG FOR THE UNDERCOATING ON THE ROCKETS.

  • WE PUT SUN ROOFS ON THE TANKS, AND POWER WINDOWS ON OUR

  • BOMBERS.

  • SWEET."

  • NOW, DURING THE SPEECH, TRUMP HONORED A DISTINGUISHED VETERAN.

  • >> AFTER MORE THAN 130 COMBAT MISSIONS IN WORLD WAR II, HE

  • CAME BACK HOME TO A COUNTRY STILL STRUGGLING FOR CIVIL

  • RIGHTS.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND THANKS TO ME, WE'RE ON THE

  • CUSP OF FINALLY DEFEATING CIVIL RIGHTS ONCE AND FOR ALL."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HE MADE UP A LOT OF STUFF, LIKE

  • SAYING HE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.

  • I THINK HE ASSUMED OUR PRE-EXISTING CONDITION IS

  • AMNESIA HE TRIED TO DESTROY PROTECTIONS FOR PRE-EXISTING

  • CONDITIONS.

  • BUT HE ALSO HIT ON ONE OF HIS FAVORITE LIES: SOCIALISTS, WE'RE

  • COMING FOR YOU.

  • >> 132 LAWMAKERS IN THIS ROOM HAVE ENDORSED LEGISLATION TO

  • TAKE OVER OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM, WIPING OUT THE PRIVATE

  • HEALTH INSURANCE PLANS OF 180 MILLION VERY HAPPY AMERICANS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU JUST HEARD THE

  • SINGLE CLAP OF THE ONLY PERSON IN AMERICA WHO LIKES THEIR

  • HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HE KEPT UP THE TALKING.

  • >> TO THOSE WATCHING AT HOME TONIGHT, I WANT YOU TO KNOW WE

  • WILL NEVER LET SOCIALISM DESTROY AMERICAN HEALTHCARE.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "NO, THAT'S CAPITALISM'S JOB.

  • I SAY, NEVER CHANGE GRIM REAPERS IN MID-STREAM."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP ALSO PUSHED FOR A NEW

  • FAMILY-FRIENDLY BILL: >> NOW I CALL ON THE CONGRESS TO

  • PASS THE BIPARTISAN ADVANCING SUPPORT FOR WORKING FAMILIES

  • ACT, EXTENDING FAMILY LEAVE TO MOTHERS AND FATHERS ALL ACROSS

  • OUR NATION.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND AS A FATHER MYSELF, I KNOW

  • THAT WHEN IT COMES TO FAMILY, I ALWAYS LEAVE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW!

  • ( APPLAUSE ).

  • >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.

  • IT'S TRUE, CHRIS.

  • TRUMP TOOK A MOMENT TO INCLUDE THE WORLDWIDE WEB IN HIS FUTURE

  • INFRASTRUCTURE PLAN.

  • >> I AM ALSO COMMITTED TO ENSURING THAT EVERY CITIZEN CAN

  • HAVE ACCESS TO HIGH-SPEED INTERNET, INCLUDING AND

  • ESPECIALLY.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "PORNOGRAPHY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'LL SEND YOU GUYS SOME

  • LINKS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT WHAT HE SAID.

  • HE SAID THIS: >> I'M ALSO COMMITTED TO

  • ENSURING THAT EVERY CITIZEN CAN HAVE ACCESS TO HIGH-SPEED

  • INTERNET, INCLUDING AND ESPECIALLY IN RURAL AMERICA.

  • >> Stephen: TO WHICH IOWA REPLIED, "THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN

  • HANDY YESTERDAY!" IT'S TRUE, JON.

  • >> Jon: I KNOW!

  • >> Stephen: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY.

  • >> Jon: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY.

  • >> Stephen: MORE ON THAT LATER.

  • MORE ON THAT LATER.

  • HE SPOKE OUT AGAINST ONE OF HIS GREATEST ENEMIES: CALIFORNIA.

  • >> THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA PASSED AN OUTRAGEOUS LAW

  • DECLARING THEIR WHOLE STATE TO BE A STANK-TUARY FOR CRIMINAL

  • ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YES, A STANK-TUARY.... FOR

  • SMELL-LEGALS.

  • A DECISION THAT WAS VERY UN-POOP-ULAR."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • TRUMP AGAIN-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • SURE.

  • >> NATURALLY, NATURALLY, MILK IT.

  • >> Stephen: TRUMP BEGAN TO WRAP THINGS UP AT THE END OF THE

  • SPEECH WITH WHAT APPEARED TO BE JUST KIND OF A RANDOM LIST OF

  • PEOPLE.

  • >> THIS IS THE HOME OF THOMAS EDISON AND TEDDY ROOSEVELT, OF

  • MANY GREAT GENERALS, INCLUDING WASHINGTON, PERSHING, PATTON,

  • AND MACARTHUR.

  • THIS IS THE HOME OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN, FREDERICK DOUGLASS,

  • AMELIA EARHART, HARRIET TUBMAN, THE WRIGHT BROTHERS, NEIL

  • ARMSTRONG, AND SO MANY MORE.

  • THIS IS THE COUNTRY WHERE CHILDREN LEARN NAMES LIKE WYATT

  • EARP, DAVY CROCKETT, AND ANNIE OAKLEY.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "NAMES LIKE MICKEY MOUSE,

  • SLIMER, THE MY PILLOW GUY, AND OF COURSE THOSE BEARS WITH THE

  • CLEAN BUTTS FROM CHARMIN.

  • AMERICA: ENJOY THE GO."

  • HE CONTINUED: >> OUR ANCESTORS BRAVED THE

  • UNKNOWN; TAMED THE WILDERNESS; SETTLED THE WILD WEST; LIFTED

  • MILLIONS FROM POVERTY, DISEASE, AND HUNGER; VANQUISHED TYRANNY

  • AND FASCISM.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND IN JUST THREE YEARS, I

  • BROUGHT THOSE LAST TWO BACK."

  • SCATTERING APPLAUSE FOR FASCISM.

  • CAN'T BEAT THEM, JOIN THEM.

  • THEN TRUMP KEPT IT UP.

  • >> AMERICA IS THE PLACE WHERE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)"I MEAN, >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)

  • "I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

  • NO ONE SAW THIS COMING.

  • THAT MUST HAVE SHOCKED A LOT OF PEOPLE.

  • >> Jon: I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.

  • >> Stephen: ONE THING WE CAN ALL AGREE ON IS, "MY FELLOW

  • AMERICANS, THE STATE OF OUR UNION WAS LONG."

  • BUT FINALLY, TRUMP ENDED THE SPEECH AND NANCY PELOSI DID

  • THIS.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) SHE RIPPED HIM A NEW ONE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

  • TONIGHT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JOHN LEGUIZAMO IS HERE.

  • WHEN WE RETURN, CHAOS IN IOWA.

  • TONIGHT, LIVE!

  • STICK AROUND!

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

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