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  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER OVER THERE,

  • ARTFULLY CARVING, PLANING, AND POLISHING THE SPRUCE AND WILLOW

  • WOOD OF TODAY'S NEWS, STRINGING IT WITH THE ALLOY-TREATED

  • SYNTHETIC CAT GUT OF THE LATEST HEADLINES, TO CRAFT THE

  • STRADIVARIUS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT AFTER THE APPLAUSE DIES DOWN I LIKE TO COLLECT MY ROSES, I

  • LIKE TO TAKE THAT FIDDLE DOWN TO MEMAW'S CELLAR, BANG ON AN

  • OVERTURNED BASIN, SCRAPE THE OLD WASHBOARD, AND FINISH OFF THE

  • BATHTUB MOONSHINE OF THE DAY'S SMALLER STORIES SO I CAN HOLLER

  • THEM BACK AT YOU IN THE BAREFOOT JUGBAND HOEDOWN OF A SEGMENT

  • THAT I CALL: "MEANWHILE!"

  • DID GIVES AND IT GIVES.

  • IT'S A BOTTOMLESS WELL OF JOY "MEANWHILE."

  • MEANWHILE, A FLORIDA TRAFFIC STOP LED TO TWO NARCOTICS

  • ARRESTS AFTER POLICE FOUND A BAG CONTAINING DRUGS IN THE CAR.

  • THE TIP-OFF?

  • THE BAG WAS LABELED "BAG FULL OF DRUGS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY

  • WITH IT, IF NOT FOR THEIR GETAWAY VEHICLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • MEANWHILE, "YOUTUBE HAS REVEALED ITS AD REVENUES FOR THE FIRST

  • TIME," AND IT'S A WHOPPING "$15 BILLION A YEAR."

  • NOW, YOU MAY ASK HOW YOUTUBE IS RAKING IN SUCH AN INSANE AMOUNT

  • OF MONEY, BUT THE FACT-- NO, NO!

  • NOT THE YOUTUBE AD COUNTDOWN THING!

  • NO!

  • >> HEAD STUCK IN A DRAWER?

  • YOU NEED DRAWER FRESHENER, THE ONLY NON-F.D.A.

  • APPR--" >> Stephen: YES, SKIP AD.

  • THANK YOU.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHY DO THEY-- WHY DO THEY ALWAYS

  • SHOW ME THAT ONE AD?

  • I GOOGLED "HEAD STUCK IN A DRAWER" ONE TIME.

  • MANWHILE, A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS BELIEVE YARN GROWN FROM HUMAN

  • SKIN COULD SOON BE USED TO STITCH UP SURGICAL PATIENTS AND

  • REPAIR ORGANS.

  • THE HEAD OF THE TEAM WAS QUOTED AS SAYING, "AND IT'S DEFINITELY

  • NOT FOR MAKING HUMAN CENTIPEDES, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

  • NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A BUNCH OF

  • THE SKIN BACK TO MY BASEMENT HOME LAB.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT WORTH WORRYING ABOUT?

  • MISSING HITCHHIKERS."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE RESEARCHERS SAY THEIR "HUMAN

  • TEXTILE," WHICH THEY DEVELOPED FROM SKIN CELLS, CAN BE USED FOR

  • KNITTING, SEWING, AND EVEN CROCHET, AND CAN AID A NUMBER OF

  • MEDICAL PROCEDURES."

  • WAIT.

  • AND CAN AID IN MEDICAL PROCEDURES?

  • THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE THE PRIMARY PURPOSE IS REGULAR

  • KNITTING AND CROCHET.

  • "OHHH, I'M JUST MAKING ANOTHER SKIN SCARF FOR JOEY.

  • I WORRY THAT OFF IN COLLEGE HE'S NOT STAYING CREEPY ENOUGH."

  • GOTTA REMEMBER TO REFRIGERATE THAT."

  • MEANWHILE, "ROBERT PATTINSON IS THE HOTTEST MAN IN THE WORLD,

  • ACCORDING TO MATH."

  • THE CALCULATIONS WERE PERFORMED BY THE RENOWNED RESEARCH TEAM OF

  • BECCA AND HAILEY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) PATTINSON'S NUMBER-ONE HOTTIE

  • STATUS ACTUALLY COMES FROM PLASTIC SURGEON JULIAN DE SILVA,

  • WHO MADE HIS DETERMINATION USING SOMETHING CALLED "THE

  • GOLDEN RATIO OF BEAUTY PHI," AN ANCIENT FORMULA THAT IS WIDELY

  • USED TO MEASURE PHYSICAL PERFECTION.

  • GREAT JOB, DR. DE SILVA.

  • HISTORICALLY, IF YOU'RE CALCULATING PHYSICAL PERFECTION

  • USING A FORMULA, YOU'RE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AS DE SILVA POINTS OUT, LEONARDO

  • DA VINCI USED "BEAUTY PHI" WHEN DRAWING THE VITRUVIAN MAN.

  • YES, FAMOUS SMOKE SHOW, THE VITRUVIAN MAN.

  • I MEAN, JUST LOOK.

  • AT.

  • HOW.

  • HOT.

  • HE.

  • IS!

  • MMM!

  • I MEAN YOU COULD JUST-- YEAH!

  • ( APPLAUSE ) YOU COULD JUST LOSE YOURSELF IN

  • THAT CAVERNOUS EYE SOCKET.

  • MEANWHILE, "RED LOBSTER HAS RELEASED HEART-SHAPED BOXES OF

  • CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

  • I LOVE WHEN FOOD COMES IN A PACKAGE THAT'S THE SHAPE OF THE

  • THING IT'S GOING TO DESTROY.

  • THAT'S WHY-- ( APPLAUSE )

  • THAT'S WHY I EXCLUSIVELY DRINK "DR. CIRRHOSIS' LIVER-SHAPED

  • BOURBON."

  • MEANWHILE, DOMINO'S PIZZA HAS DEBUTED A ONE-OF-A-KIND

  • PIZZA-THEMED ENGAGEMENT RING-- PERFECT FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO

  • GUARANTEE THE END OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP IN 30 MINUTES OR

  • LESS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAMES

  • TAYLOR.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER OVER THERE,

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