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  • Here at the show,

  • we're always looking at studies

  • to see how they can improve our lives.

  • And, lately, there have been several new studies

  • looking at the workplace.

  • So, to help us figure out what these studies mean,

  • we turn to our senior studies correspondent,

  • Dulcé Sloan, everybody!

  • (cheering and applause)

  • Mwah! Hello.

  • Dulcé, um, thank you so much for joining us

  • and helping us break down these workplace studies.

  • Well, I'm perfect for the job because I'm a model employee.

  • You're-you're a model employee?

  • I'm glad we agree.

  • All right, let's get into it.

  • Um, the first study says

  • that half of workers have quit a job

  • because of a bad boss.

  • What do you think about that?

  • I think these are some soft-ass people.

  • You're gonna quit a job because you don't like your boss?

  • I make my boss quit because of me.

  • (cheering and applause)

  • No.

  • When I worked at Best Buy,

  • my boss left 'cause I was Airbnb'ing his office

  • on weekends.

  • And who are these people anyway?

  • Well, the study actually says

  • that one of the highest rates of people quitting is in Miami.

  • Well, of course. It's easy to quit a job in Miami.

  • There's beaches and titties on every corner.

  • That city's not built for working.

  • It's built for twerking, okay?

  • I dare you to try that shit in New York. (chuckles)

  • You don't like your boss yelling at you?

  • Well, guess what, now your ten roommates are gonna cuss

  • your ass out 'cause you can't make rent.

  • Dulcé, you have ten roommates?

  • Man, please, I'm on TV. I got six.

  • I-I guess that's better. All right, let's-let's move on.

  • Let's move on to this, uh-- this next workplace study.

  • It's really inspiring. It says that 90% of employees

  • come into the office even when they have a cold or the flu.

  • And I'm-I'm impressed by these people.

  • And I hate these people.

  • 'Cause they come into work and they make the rest of us sick.

  • And the worst part is they act like they're not sick.

  • But you know you're sick, Jeff, okay?

  • You went through a box of tissues in a hour.

  • So if you weren't blowing your nose,

  • then I need to see your browser history.

  • (laughter, gasping)

  • No...

  • (cheering and applause)

  • But-but, Dulcé, but, Dulcé,

  • to be fair, I-I think people are coming in

  • because they want to help get work done.

  • Oh, please. Who are these "heroes"

  • who think the office can't survive without them?

  • Keep your coughing ass at home, Karen.

  • Ain't nobody looking for you.

  • Ain't nobody putting your ass on a milk carton, okay?

  • Stay home, you sick bastard.

  • Wow. So much anger. I wasn't expecting--

  • All right, let's just-- let's just move on

  • to this final study. Um, you can't get mad at this one.

  • This study has found that daydreaming,

  • daydreaming at work can actually make you better at your job.

  • Yeah, Trevor, I'm not surprised by this.

  • I daydream all the time.

  • That's why I'm so good at my job.

  • Well, yeah, but, technically, Dulcé, those aren't daydreams.

  • I saw you-- you just sleep in the break room

  • for, like, three hours.

  • Listen, that's because I was having a crazy dream.

  • Okay, see, what happened was, right,

  • Idris Elba shows up at my house and tells me

  • he wants to be my baby daddy.

  • The problem was he had an Idris Elba top

  • but a unicorn bottom, right?

  • And I'm fine with that, 'cause a unicorn Idris

  • is better than no Idris at all, right?

  • But then Meg's boyfriend Lamar shows us and he says

  • I have to kill Idris or the world's gonna blow up.

  • Now, usually, Lamar's full of shit,

  • but I knew he was telling the truth

  • 'cause he was also my grandma! Right?

  • So, I get a knife and I go at unicorn Idris

  • and I'm about to stab him.

  • But then he leans in to give me the most seductive kiss.

  • And then?

  • And then my boss woke me up!

  • Now we both don't know the ending, Negro.

  • Listen,

  • so if you'll excuse me,

  • I'm gonna go back into the break room

  • and I'm gonna find out if I get that Idris unicorn dick.

  • Dulcé Sloan, everybody!

Here at the show,

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Studies Show - Workplace Revelations | The Daily Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/03/11
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