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  • You should have seen the look on her face.

  • I don't want Rachel to hate me.

  • I don't know what to do.

  • - Do you want my advice? - Yes, please.

  • - You're not gonna like it. - That's okay.

  • You got married too fast.

  • - That's not advice. - I told you.

  • Do you think these pearls are nice?

  • I'd really prefer a mountain bike.

  • Janice's birthday is coming up.

  • I wanna get her something special.

  • - Come in here with me. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Whoa.

  • You, uh..

  • You wanna get her something special..

  • ...get her flowers, get her candy.

  • Get her gum. Girls love gum.

  • That's a good idea.

  • "Dear Janice, have a Hubba Bubba birthday."

  • I would like to get her something serious.

  • Oh, you want something serious.

  • You know what you should do?

  • You should get her one of those, um

  • barium enemas.

  • Those are dead serious.

  • Alright, look, I'm gonna go in here

  • and you don't buy me anything ever.

  • Phoebe, wh-what are you doing?

  • I can't help it.

  • I need the meat. The baby needs the meat.

  • Alright, look, you know how, you know when you're dating someone

  • and you don't want to cheat on them

  • unless it's with someone really hot?

  • - Yeah. Totally. - Alright. Okay.

  • Well, this is the same kind of deal.

  • If you're gonna do something wrong..

  • ...do it right.

  • I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do?

  • I mean, this-this is like a complete nightmare.

  • Oh, I know, this must be so hard.

  • "Oh, no. Two women love me!"

  • "They're both gorgeous and sexy!"

  • "My wallet's too small for my fifties

  • "and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

  • - Hey, here's a thought, Ross. - Don't touch the computer.

  • Don't ever touch the computer.

  • Ross, listen. I got two words for you.

  • Threesome.

  • Hey! Hey, No!

  • Oh! Oh!

  • - Run, Phoebe! - Run, Pheebs.

  • No, doggie! No, please!

  • I do so want to love all animals.

  • Please, no!

  • Get him a bone! Get a bone. You got a bone?

  • - Are you kidding me? - Look! Kibbles! Bits!

  • Oh God, alright.

  • Get the hell off my leg, you yippity piece of crap.

  • [dog growling]

  • Ohh!

  • [barking]

  • Okay. Alright.

  • We have a problem.

  • Why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline?

  • Okay, here, I know what we can do.

  • Hey, hey. Hey, no!

  • Okay, doggie! Get the-get the sandwich!

  • [screams] Okay.

  • Go get the sandwich, get the sandwich, doggie!

  • 'Good doggie! Get the sandwich!'

  • Okay, Joey, the dog will lick himself

  • but he will not touch your sandwich.

  • What does that tell you?

  • Well, if he's not gonna eat it, I will.

  • Are you crazy?

  • Pheebs, he's just a little dog.

  • [screaming]

  • [barking]

  • Good evening.

  • I am Mr. Tribbiani..

  • ...and I'll be teaching acting for soap operas.

  • Now, um..

  • ...on my first day as Dr. Drake Ramoray

  • on "Days of our lives.."

  • Uh, I learned that one of the most important things

  • in soap opera acting is re-acting.

  • This does not mean acting again.

  • It means you don't have a line, but someone else just did.

  • And it goes something like this.

  • [clears throat]

  • [gasps]

  • Thanks. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

  • Oh, before I forget, to work in soap operas

  • some of you will have to become much more attractive.

  • Okay, come here.

  • Okay, uh, about last night, um..

  • You know. Chandler. You didn't tell..

  • Okay, 'cause I'm thinkin' we don't need to tell Chandler.

  • I mean, it was just a kiss right?

  • One kiss, no big deal, right?

  • - Right, no big deal. - Okay.

  • In bizarro world.

  • - You broke the code. - What code?

  • You don't kiss your friend's mom.

  • Sisters are okay..

  • ...maybe a hot-lookin' aunt, but not a mom.

  • Never a mom.

  • [screams]

  • Listen, I gotta talk to you.

  • Sure. What's up?

  • Monica and I almost got married last night.

  • Oh, my God!

  • That's huge! Hey!

  • Wait a minute.

  • Why wasn't I invited?

  • And who was gonna be your best man?

  • Don't say Ross. Do not say Ross.

  • Look, I just don't think that Monica and I

  • are ready to get married yet, you know?

  • I mean, I love her and everything but..

  • Seeing Ross and Rachel come out of that chapel was like a..

  • Like a wake-up call

  • that Monica and I are moving so fast, you know, and..

  • [sighs]

  • How do I tell her without crushing her?

  • Yeah. Oh!

  • Tell her she's not marriage material.

  • What?

  • Girls say it to me all the time.

  • And believe me if she's anything like me

  • she's just gonna be relieved.

  • Well, I don't have to break up with her this time.

  • We're not involved.

  • I'm gonna do a pre-emptive strike.

  • I'm gonna end it with her before it starts.

  • My ass is, like, frozen.

  • Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes.

  • I'm telling ya.

  • [instrumental music]

  • (Joey) Oh, hey, Ross, Ross, Ross.

  • You wanna stay away from that guy

  • and that guy, and that one.

  • Dude, they're all huge.

  • They don't look any bigger than me.

  • Well, maybe that's 'cause you're closer to you.

  • So you look bigger to you from where you are.

  • Okay. Some tricks of the trade.

  • Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor.

  • So, if I'm in a scene where I have to cry

  • I cut a hole in my pocket

  • take a pair of tweezers..

  • ...and just start pulling.

  • Okay? Or, uh..

  • Or let's say I want to convey

  • that I've just done something evil.

  • That would be your basic

  • "I've got a fishhook in my eyebrow

  • and I, like it"..

  • Hmm? Okay.

  • Let's say I've just gotten bad news.

  • Well, all I do there

  • is try and divide 232 by 13.

  • Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone.

  • - 'You just gotta do it.' - No, I know.

  • But it's just so hard, you know?

  • I mean, you're sitting there with her.

  • She has no idea what's happening.

  • And then you finally get up the courage to do it

  • and there's that horrible awkward moment

  • when you've handed her the note and..

  • Uh, why do you have to break up with her?

  • Be a man. Just stop callin'.

  • Oh, God, look at him, he's so cute.

  • I just want to go over there and grab him and kiss him.

  • How could I kiss him without letting him know

  • that I like him?

  • Oh, hey, I know how you can get him.

  • Take off your bra.

  • What?

  • There was a scene in "Footloose".

  • - "Flashdance". - Yeah, yeah.

  • Yeah, with that-that-that plumber girl--

  • She was a welder.

  • What were you, like, in the movie, or..?

  • Anyway, she takes off her bra under the shirt

  • and pulls it out the sleeve.

  • Very sexy, and classy.

  • Hi.

  • Are you, uh, moving in or moving out?

  • - Moving in. - Oh. Can I give you a hand?

  • Oh, okay. But, you know, be careful.

  • This guy who was helping me before

  • had to leave because he hurt his back.

  • Boyfriend?

  • - No. - I'm Joey.

  • - Your name? - Kristen.

  • Oh, wow, what a beautiful name.

  • What is it again?

  • - Kristen. - Ah, that's it.

  • - So.. - You, uh, live around here?

  • Yeah, yeah. Right down there.

  • Hey, listen, let me give you a little tip.

  • Do not take a nap on this stoop

  • or you could wake up with your shoes gone.

  • - I'll remember that. - Okay.

  • - Hey. - Hey, man. What's up?

  • Uh, not much. You guys wanna see a movie tonight?

  • - Sure. What do you wanna see? - I don't know, um--

  • Oh-oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game!

  • Um, no thank you.

  • What's with her?

  • I don't know. But, hey, I know how we can decide.

  • Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions

  • and you answer real quick. Okay?

  • - Okay. - What do you like better?

  • - Action or comedy? - Action.

  • Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?

  • Dude, you are sick.

  • Oh, alright. I'm sorry.

  • I-I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

  • Alright, Rach, the big question is

  • "Does he like you?", right?

  • Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo point.

  • Huh. A "moo" point?

  • Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion.

  • You know, it just doesn't matter.

  • It's moo.

  • Have I been living with him for too long

  • or did that all just make sense?

  • ...I just saw my best friend's brains

  • smeared across the canvas.

  • It's not gonna be me.

  • Not me.

  • Wow.

  • That.. That.. That was good. That was..

  • - Tweezers? - No.

  • Oh, wow.

  • - That was really good. - Thanks.

  • Any suggestions?

  • Hmm, I..

  • [ominous music]

  • You told him to play the boxer gay!

  • Well, I-I might have said super gay.

  • Okay. On three.

  • One, two--

  • Why don't we just go on two?

  • Why two?

  • Because it's faster.

  • Yeah, I could've counted to three four times

  • without all this two talk.

  • Alright, but in the future--

  • Okay, okay. Heavy thing, not getting lighter.

  • Okay. One, two--

  • So we are going with two--

  • (together) Oh! Alright.

  • A good job, Joe.

  • Wow.

  • It's big.

  • Yeah. So big, that it actually makes our doors look smaller.

  • Maybe my ruler's wrong.

  • Maybe all the rulers are wrong.

  • Look, It's not that bad. So what?

  • It blocks a little of your door a little of my door.

  • Yeah, you know what? I got a better idea.

  • How about it blocks none of my door

  • and a lot of your door?

  • - What's that? - What? Nothing!