A2 Basic US 46 Folder Collection
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You should have seen the look on her face.
I don't want Rachel to hate me.
I don't know what to do.
- Do you want my advice? - Yes, please.
- You're not gonna like it. - That's okay.
You got married too fast.
- That's not advice. - I told you.
Do you think these pearls are nice?
I'd really prefer a mountain bike.
Janice's birthday is coming up.
I wanna get her something special.
- Come in here with me. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Whoa.
You, uh..
You wanna get her something special..
...get her flowers, get her candy.
Get her gum. Girls love gum.
That's a good idea.
"Dear Janice, have a Hubba Bubba birthday."
I would like to get her something serious.
Oh, you want something serious.
You know what you should do?
You should get her one of those, um
barium enemas.
Those are dead serious.
Alright, look, I'm gonna go in here
and you don't buy me anything ever.
Phoebe, wh-what are you doing?
I can't help it.
I need the meat. The baby needs the meat.
Alright, look, you know how, you know when you're dating someone
and you don't want to cheat on them
unless it's with someone really hot?
- Yeah. Totally. - Alright. Okay.
Well, this is the same kind of deal.
If you're gonna do something wrong..
...do it right.
I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do?
I mean, this-this is like a complete nightmare.
Oh, I know, this must be so hard.
"Oh, no. Two women love me!"
"They're both gorgeous and sexy!"
"My wallet's too small for my fifties
"and my diamond shoes are too tight!"
- Hey, here's a thought, Ross. - Don't touch the computer.
Don't ever touch the computer.
Ross, listen. I got two words for you.
Threesome.
Hey! Hey, No!
Oh! Oh!
- Run, Phoebe! - Run, Pheebs.
No, doggie! No, please!
I do so want to love all animals.
Please, no!
Get him a bone! Get a bone. You got a bone?
- Are you kidding me? - Look! Kibbles! Bits!
Oh God, alright.
Get the hell off my leg, you yippity piece of crap.
[dog growling]
Ohh!
[barking]
Okay. Alright.
We have a problem.
Why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline?
Okay, here, I know what we can do.
Hey, hey. Hey, no!
Okay, doggie! Get the-get the sandwich!
[screams] Okay.
Go get the sandwich, get the sandwich, doggie!
'Good doggie! Get the sandwich!'
Okay, Joey, the dog will lick himself
but he will not touch your sandwich.
What does that tell you?
Well, if he's not gonna eat it, I will.
Are you crazy?
Pheebs, he's just a little dog.
[screaming]
[barking]
Good evening.
I am Mr. Tribbiani..
...and I'll be teaching acting for soap operas.
Now, um..
...on my first day as Dr. Drake Ramoray
on "Days of our lives.."
Uh, I learned that one of the most important things
in soap opera acting is re-acting.
This does not mean acting again.
It means you don't have a line, but someone else just did.
And it goes something like this.
[clears throat]
[gasps]
Thanks. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Oh, before I forget, to work in soap operas
some of you will have to become much more attractive.
Okay, come here.
Okay, uh, about last night, um..
You know. Chandler. You didn't tell..
Okay, 'cause I'm thinkin' we don't need to tell Chandler.
I mean, it was just a kiss right?
One kiss, no big deal, right?
- Right, no big deal. - Okay.
In bizarro world.
- You broke the code. - What code?
You don't kiss your friend's mom.
Sisters are okay..
...maybe a hot-lookin' aunt, but not a mom.
Never a mom.
[screams]
Listen, I gotta talk to you.
Sure. What's up?
Monica and I almost got married last night.
Oh, my God!
That's huge! Hey!
Wait a minute.
Why wasn't I invited?
And who was gonna be your best man?
Don't say Ross. Do not say Ross.
Look, I just don't think that Monica and I
are ready to get married yet, you know?
I mean, I love her and everything but..
Seeing Ross and Rachel come out of that chapel was like a..
Like a wake-up call
that Monica and I are moving so fast, you know, and..
[sighs]
How do I tell her without crushing her?
Yeah. Oh!
Tell her she's not marriage material.
What?
Girls say it to me all the time.
And believe me if she's anything like me
she's just gonna be relieved.
Well, I don't have to break up with her this time.
We're not involved.
I'm gonna do a pre-emptive strike.
I'm gonna end it with her before it starts.
My ass is, like, frozen.
Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes.
I'm telling ya.
[instrumental music]
(Joey) Oh, hey, Ross, Ross, Ross.
You wanna stay away from that guy
and that guy, and that one.
Dude, they're all huge.
They don't look any bigger than me.
Well, maybe that's 'cause you're closer to you.
So you look bigger to you from where you are.
Okay. Some tricks of the trade.
Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor.
So, if I'm in a scene where I have to cry
I cut a hole in my pocket
take a pair of tweezers..
...and just start pulling.
Okay? Or, uh..
Or let's say I want to convey
that I've just done something evil.
That would be your basic
"I've got a fishhook in my eyebrow
and I, like it"..
Hmm? Okay.
Let's say I've just gotten bad news.
Well, all I do there
is try and divide 232 by 13.
Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone.
- 'You just gotta do it.' - No, I know.
But it's just so hard, you know?
I mean, you're sitting there with her.
She has no idea what's happening.
And then you finally get up the courage to do it
and there's that horrible awkward moment
when you've handed her the note and..
Uh, why do you have to break up with her?
Be a man. Just stop callin'.
Oh, God, look at him, he's so cute.
I just want to go over there and grab him and kiss him.
How could I kiss him without letting him know
that I like him?
Oh, hey, I know how you can get him.
Take off your bra.
What?
There was a scene in "Footloose".
- "Flashdance". - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, with that-that-that plumber girl--
She was a welder.
What were you, like, in the movie, or..?
Anyway, she takes off her bra under the shirt
and pulls it out the sleeve.
Very sexy, and classy.
Hi.
Are you, uh, moving in or moving out?
- Moving in. - Oh. Can I give you a hand?
Oh, okay. But, you know, be careful.
This guy who was helping me before
had to leave because he hurt his back.
Boyfriend?
- No. - I'm Joey.
- Your name? - Kristen.
Oh, wow, what a beautiful name.
What is it again?
- Kristen. - Ah, that's it.
- So.. - You, uh, live around here?
Yeah, yeah. Right down there.
Hey, listen, let me give you a little tip.
Do not take a nap on this stoop
or you could wake up with your shoes gone.
- I'll remember that. - Okay.
- Hey. - Hey, man. What's up?
Uh, not much. You guys wanna see a movie tonight?
- Sure. What do you wanna see? - I don't know, um--
Oh-oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game!
Um, no thank you.
What's with her?
I don't know. But, hey, I know how we can decide.
Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions
and you answer real quick. Okay?
- Okay. - What do you like better?
- Action or comedy? - Action.
Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Dude, you are sick.
Oh, alright. I'm sorry.
I-I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.
Alright, Rach, the big question is
"Does he like you?", right?
Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo point.
Huh. A "moo" point?
Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion.
You know, it just doesn't matter.
It's moo.
Have I been living with him for too long
or did that all just make sense?
...I just saw my best friend's brains
smeared across the canvas.
It's not gonna be me.
Not me.
Wow.
That.. That.. That was good. That was..
- Tweezers? - No.
Oh, wow.
- That was really good. - Thanks.
Any suggestions?
Hmm, I..
[ominous music]
You told him to play the boxer gay!
Well, I-I might have said super gay.
Okay. On three.
One, two--
Why don't we just go on two?
Why two?
Because it's faster.
Yeah, I could've counted to three four times
without all this two talk.
Alright, but in the future--
Okay, okay. Heavy thing, not getting lighter.
Okay. One, two--
So we are going with two--
(together) Oh! Alright.
A good job, Joe.
Wow.
It's big.
Yeah. So big, that it actually makes our doors look smaller.
Maybe my ruler's wrong.
Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
Look, It's not that bad. So what?
It blocks a little of your door a little of my door.
Yeah, you know what? I got a better idea.
How about it blocks none of my door
and a lot of your door?
- What's that? - What? Nothing!
What is that? I saw my name. What is it?
No, no. See? See?
[printer whirring]
Hey, it's printing!
Hey, it's printing!
Well, what is it? Let me see.
Hey, someone order a coat?
Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer
and he won't let me see.
He won't, he won't?
He..
...because isn't that, isn't that the..
...the-the short story you were writing?
Yes, yes, it is the short story..
...that I was writing.
And I'm in it? Well, let me read it!
(in unison) No!
- Come on! - Hey!
Uh, why don't you read it to her?
I don't believe this.
You-you got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?
Fake? Oh, excuse me. Hello.
And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy?
You're right. That was wrong.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
It's just that I liked you so much.
Can we just, can we just start over?
- I don't think so. - I-If I may.
Um, um, look, Cliff.
You told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right?
Now, maybe-maybe it would help
if-if you knew some personal stuff about her.
Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer.
Uh...she gave birth to her brother's triplets.
Oh, oh, oh.
Her, her twin sister used to do porn. Uh..
Joey, we're trying to dial down the crazy.
Right.
My best friend and my sister!
I cannot believe this!
You guys want to probably get some hugs in too, huh?
Big news!
Ah, that's okay. We've actually known for a while.
What, what? What, you guys knew? You..
You all knew and you didn't tell me?
Well, R-Ross, we were worried about you, okay?
We didn't know how you were gonna react.
You were worried about me?
You didn't know how I was gonna react?
Okay. Alright. Whew.
What do you say, we all, uh, clear out of here
and let these two lovebirds get back down to business.
Hey, hey, hey, I-I'm just talking here.
He-he's the one doing your sister.
Joe?
'Yeah?'
Uh..
You've had a lot of sex, right?
When? Today?
Some. Not a lot, though.
Well, it's just the reason I'm asking
is because I had kind of a.. Uh.. I-I was unable to..
I mean, I really, I really wanted to, but I couldn't..
There, huh, hmm..
There was.. There was an incident.
Don't worry about that, man.
That happens.
It's happened to you?
Yeah. Once.
Well, what'd you do?
I did it anyway.
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Friends: Joey Top 22 Worst Advice Moments | TBS

46 Folder Collection
2487306808 published on March 11, 2020
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