Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles You should have seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to hate me. I don't know what to do. - Do you want my advice? - Yes, please. - You're not gonna like it. - That's okay. You got married too fast. - That's not advice. - I told you. Do you think these pearls are nice? I'd really prefer a mountain bike. Janice's birthday is coming up. I wanna get her something special. - Come in here with me. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Whoa. You, uh.. You wanna get her something special.. ...get her flowers, get her candy. Get her gum. Girls love gum. That's a good idea. "Dear Janice, have a Hubba Bubba birthday." I would like to get her something serious. Oh, you want something serious. You know what you should do? You should get her one of those, um barium enemas. Those are dead serious. Alright, look, I'm gonna go in here and you don't buy me anything ever. Phoebe, wh-what are you doing? I can't help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat. Alright, look, you know how, you know when you're dating someone and you don't want to cheat on them unless it's with someone really hot? - Yeah. Totally. - Alright. Okay. Well, this is the same kind of deal. If you're gonna do something wrong.. ...do it right. I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this-this is like a complete nightmare. Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh, no. Two women love me!" "They're both gorgeous and sexy!" "My wallet's too small for my fifties "and my diamond shoes are too tight!" - Hey, here's a thought, Ross. - Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer. Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome. Hey! Hey, No! Oh! Oh! - Run, Phoebe! - Run, Pheebs. No, doggie! No, please! I do so want to love all animals. Please, no! Get him a bone! Get a bone. You got a bone? - Are you kidding me? - Look! Kibbles! Bits! Oh God, alright. Get the hell off my leg, you yippity piece of crap. [dog growling] Ohh! [barking] Okay. Alright. We have a problem. Why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline? Okay, here, I know what we can do. Hey, hey. Hey, no! Okay, doggie! Get the-get the sandwich! [screams] Okay. Go get the sandwich, get the sandwich, doggie! 'Good doggie! Get the sandwich!' Okay, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich. What does that tell you? Well, if he's not gonna eat it, I will. Are you crazy? Pheebs, he's just a little dog. [screaming] [barking] Good evening. I am Mr. Tribbiani.. ...and I'll be teaching acting for soap operas. Now, um.. ...on my first day as Dr. Drake Ramoray on "Days of our lives.." Uh, I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is re-acting. This does not mean acting again. It means you don't have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes something like this. [clears throat] [gasps] Thanks. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Oh, before I forget, to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. Okay, come here. Okay, uh, about last night, um.. You know. Chandler. You didn't tell.. Okay, 'cause I'm thinkin' we don't need to tell Chandler. I mean, it was just a kiss right? One kiss, no big deal, right? - Right, no big deal. - Okay. In bizarro world. - You broke the code. - What code? You don't kiss your friend's mom. Sisters are okay.. ...maybe a hot-lookin' aunt, but not a mom. Never a mom. [screams] Listen, I gotta talk to you. Sure. What's up? Monica and I almost got married last night. Oh, my God! That's huge! Hey! Wait a minute. Why wasn't I invited? And who was gonna be your best man? Don't say Ross. Do not say Ross. Look, I just don't think that Monica and I are ready to get married yet, you know? I mean, I love her and everything but.. Seeing Ross and Rachel come out of that chapel was like a.. Like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast, you know, and.. [sighs] How do I tell her without crushing her? Yeah. Oh! Tell her she's not marriage material. What? Girls say it to me all the time. And believe me if she's anything like me she's just gonna be relieved. Well, I don't have to break up with her this time. We're not involved. I'm gonna do a pre-emptive strike. I'm gonna end it with her before it starts. My ass is, like, frozen. Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. I'm telling ya. [instrumental music] (Joey) Oh, hey, Ross, Ross, Ross. You wanna stay away from that guy and that guy, and that one. Dude, they're all huge. They don't look any bigger than me. Well, maybe that's 'cause you're closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are. Okay. Some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor. So, if I'm in a scene where I have to cry I cut a hole in my pocket take a pair of tweezers.. ...and just start pulling. Okay? Or, uh.. Or let's say I want to convey that I've just done something evil. That would be your basic "I've got a fishhook in my eyebrow and I, like it".. Hmm? Okay. Let's say I've just gotten bad news. Well, all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. - 'You just gotta do it.' - No, I know. But it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her. She has no idea what's happening. And then you finally get up the courage to do it and there's that horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note and.. Uh, why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop callin'. Oh, God, look at him, he's so cute. I just want to go over there and grab him and kiss him. How could I kiss him without letting him know that I like him? Oh, hey, I know how you can get him. Take off your bra. What? There was a scene in "Footloose". - "Flashdance". - Yeah, yeah. Yeah, with that-that-that plumber girl-- She was a welder. What were you, like, in the movie, or..? Anyway, she takes off her bra under the shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy. Hi. Are you, uh, moving in or moving out? - Moving in. - Oh. Can I give you a hand? Oh, okay. But, you know, be careful. This guy who was helping me before had to leave because he hurt his back. Boyfriend? - No. - I'm Joey. - Your name? - Kristen. Oh, wow, what a beautiful name. What is it again? - Kristen. - Ah, that's it. - So.. - You, uh, live around here? Yeah, yeah. Right down there. Hey, listen, let me give you a little tip. Do not take a nap on this stoop or you could wake up with your shoes gone. - I'll remember that. - Okay. - Hey. - Hey, man. What's up? Uh, not much. You guys wanna see a movie tonight? - Sure. What do you wanna see? - I don't know, um-- Oh-oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game! Um, no thank you. What's with her? I don't know. But, hey, I know how we can decide. Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions and you answer real quick. Okay? - Okay. - What do you like better? - Action or comedy? - Action. Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel? Dude, you are sick. Oh, alright. I'm sorry. I-I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing. Alright, Rach, the big question is "Does he like you?", right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo point. Huh. A "moo" point? Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. You know, it just doesn't matter. It's moo. Have I been living with him for too long or did that all just make sense? ...I just saw my best friend's brains smeared across the canvas. It's not gonna be me. Not me. Wow. That.. That.. That was good. That was.. - Tweezers? - No. Oh, wow. - That was really good. - Thanks. Any suggestions? Hmm, I.. [ominous music] You told him to play the boxer gay! Well, I-I might have said super gay. Okay. On three. One, two-- Why don't we just go on two? Why two? Because it's faster. Yeah, I could've counted to three four times without all this two talk. Alright, but in the future-- Okay, okay. Heavy thing, not getting lighter. Okay. One, two-- So we are going with two-- (together) Oh! Alright. A good job, Joe. Wow. It's big. Yeah. So big, that it actually makes our doors look smaller. Maybe my ruler's wrong. Maybe all the rulers are wrong. Look, It's not that bad. So what? It blocks a little of your door a little of my door. Yeah, you know what? I got a better idea. How about it blocks none of my door and a lot of your door? - What's that? - What? Nothing!