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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

  • SO GOOD TO TO BE BACK.

  • I'VE MISSED THESE PEOPLE.

  • THIS WEEKEND, DEMOCRATS DID SOMETHING THAT ONCE SEEMED

  • UNIMAGINABLE: THEY COUNTED THE VOTES IN A CAUCUS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN

  • TONIGHT'S-- >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

  • >> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.

  • DONALD TRUMP'S WORST NIGHTMARE.

  • >> WE'RE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.

  • >> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

  • CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE.

  • YOU KNOW WHO NUMBER ONE IS?

  • TRUMP!

  • >> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE."

  • 2020!

  • >> WITNESS ME!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TONIGHT, BACK ON

  • THE FURY ROAD.

  • >> Jon: THAT HEAD BUTT.

  • >> Stephen: TONIGHT ON THE VROOM-VROOM SHOUT FACE, NEVADA

  • CAUCUS, AND IT'S RUNAWAY WINNER VERMONT SENATOR AND

  • ANCIENT JOHN MULANEY, BERNIE SANDERS.

  • SANDERS WAS COMING OFF SLIM POPULAR VOTE VICTORIES IN IOWA

  • AND NEW HAMPSHIRE, BUT BERNIE WON NEVADA WITH 46% OF THE VOTE,

  • INCLUDING A DIVERSE COALITION OF IMMIGRANTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS,

  • LATINA MOTHERS, YOUNGER BLACK VOTERS, WHITE LIBERALS AND EVEN

  • SOME MODERATES.

  • AND BECAUSE IT WAS NEVADA, HE ALSO PICKED UP VOTES FROM

  • BLACKJACK DEALERS, CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, AND THAT GUY SITTING

  • ALONE AT THE PRIME RIB BUFFET MUTTERING "HOW AM I GONNA

  • TELL MARJORIE?" ( LAUGHTER )

  • BERNIE CELEBRATED HIS NEVADA WIN BY CONTRASTING HIS MOVEMENT WITH

  • TRUMP'S.

  • >> THEY THINK THEY ARE GOING TO WIN THIS ELECTION BY DIVIDING

  • OUR PEOPLE UP BASED ON THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN OR WHERE

  • THEY WERE BORN OR THEIR RELIGION OR THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

  • WE ARE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE WE ARE DOING EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE.

  • >> STEPHEN: (AS BERNIE) "WHAT I'M SAYING IS:

  • MULTI-RACIAL, MULTIGENERATIONAL ORGY AT MY PLACE!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I PROMISE, YOU WILL FEEL THE

  • BERN."

  • ( CHEERING ) ( LAUGHTER )

  • "AND THE BERN WILL FEEL YOU!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • THE NEVADA RESULTS WERE ALSO A BOOST FOR THE FLAGGING CAMPAIGN

  • OF JOE BIDEN, WHO CAME IN SECOND WITH 20% OF THE VOTE, AND

  • TOLD SUPPORTERS THAT JOE-MENTUM IS BACK!

  • >> YOU PUT ME IN A POSITION-- YOU KNOW, THE PRESS IS READY TO

  • DECLARE PEOPLE DEAD QUICKLY, BUT WE'RE ALIVE AND WE'RE COMING

  • BACK AND WE'RE GOING TO WIN.

  • >> STEPHEN: BRAGGING THAT YOU'RE ALIVE MAY NOT BE THE MOST

  • STIRRING CAMPAIGN RALLYING CRY.

  • "FOLKS, WE'RE BREATHING ON OUR OWN.

  • THE TUBES ARE OUT, THE PANTS ARE ON, AND THIS MORNING, I ATE A

  • WHOLE THING OF APPLESAUCE!

  • NOW SPONGE-BATHE ME AND ROLL ME --

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • NOW SPONGE-BATHE ME AND ROLL ME TOWARDS SOUTH CAROLINA!"

  • HERE WE GO!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, WRONG WAY, LET'S GO,

  • GUYS.

  • COME ON!

  • THANK YOU.

  • A LOT OF MODERATE DEMOCRATS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT HAVING A

  • DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST AT THE TOP OF THE TICKET.

  • LAST NIGHT, "60 MINUTES" AIRED AN INTERVIEW WITH BERNIE AND HE

  • DIDN'T DO MUCH TO PUT HIS CRITICS AT EASE.

  • >> WE'RE VERY OPPOSED TO THE AUTHORITARIAN NATURE OF CUBA,

  • BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S UNFAIR TO SIMPLY SAY EVERYTHING IS BAD.

  • YOU KNOW?

  • WHEN FIDEL CASTRO CAME INTO OFFICE, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?

  • HE HAD A MASSIVE LITERACY PROGRAM.

  • IS THAT A BAD THING?

  • EVEN THOUGH FIDEL CASTRO DID IT?

  • >> STEPHEN: WHAT, NO-- BERNIE ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL

  • EVERYONE AT MSNBC?

  • YOU SOUND LIKE FIDEL CASTRO'S MOM.

  • "NOW I KNOW FIDEL DID A LOT OF MURDER, BUT LOOK AT THIS

  • MACARONI PICTURE HE MADE IN THE THIRD GRADE.

  • THESE LITTLE ROTINI DOWN HERE ARE THE GRAVES OF HIS ENEMIES."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WRIF RIFF

  • BUT BERNIE DID TRY AN ODD PIVOT WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE CENTRAL

  • PLATFORM OF HIS CAMPAIGN.

  • >> A LOT OF VOTERS ARE VOTING FOR CANDIDATES WHO AREN'T

  • CALLING FOR MEDICARE FOR ALL, WHO AREN'T CALLING FOR A

  • REVOLUTION.

  • IS EVERYBODY REALLY WANTING A REVOLUTION LIKE THAT?

  • >> YEAH, LET'S GO EASY ON THE WORD REV-- POLITICAL

  • REVOLUTION, YOU KNOW?

  • WE'RE-- WE'RE TRYING TO FOLLOW-- >> YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S USING

  • THE WORD.

  • >> WELL, BUT, YOU KNOW-- I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO OVERSTATE.

  • >> STEPHEN: WHAT?!

  • RAFF LAUGH NOW YOU DON'T WANT US TO

  • OVERSTATE THE WORD REVOLUTION?

  • THAT'S YOUR WHOLE BRAND.

  • THIS IS LIKE NIKE SUDDENLY CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO "JUST

  • DON'T OVERDO IT."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • Y>> Jon: YEAH, JUST DO IT!

  • JUST SLIGHTLY.

  • JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪ ♪ OH, JUST A LITTLE BIT

  • >> Stephen: AT ONE POINT BERNIE GOT A

  • LITTLE SASSY.

  • >> ONE OF THE CRITICS OF YOU IN THE SENATE, JOE BIDEN, HAS SAID

  • THAT YOU NEVER GOT ANYTHING DONE.

  • AMY KLOBUCHAR HAS BEEN-- ARE YOU GETTING MAD?

  • >> I'M NOT MAD.

  • JUST SILENTLY HISSING, THAT'S ALL.

  • (LAUGHTER) >> STEPHEN: I KNOW BERNIE HAD A

  • HEART ATTACK, BUT IS HE ALSO DEFLATING?

  • (AS BERNIE) "THE TOP 1% OF THE--

  • SSSSSSS-- SOMEBODY GET MY PUMP!" "PUMP ME UP!

  • SOMEBODY!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: PUMP IT UP!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )

  • OH, YEAH, GOOD BUDDY.

  • >> Stephen: WHILE THE DEMOCRATS BATTLE IT

  • OUT BACK HOME, TRUMP IS ABROAD IN INDIA.

  • HERE HE IS GIVING PRIME MINISTER NARENDRA MODI THE TRADITIONAL

  • AMERICAN GREETING OF SLIDING YOUR HAND INSIDE SOMEONE'S

  • CLOTHES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)

  • "WE'VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER A SHORT WHILE, BUT I THINK WE'RE

  • READY FOR UNDER THE VEST STUFF."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S FIRST STOP WAS AT THE

  • HOME OF MAHATMA GANDHI, WHERE HE GOT THE CHANCE TO SPIN A REPLICA

  • OF THE WHEEL THAT GANDHI USED TO MAKE HIS OWN CLOTHES.

  • THAT'S LOVELY.

  • NOW HE KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO WORK IN ONE OF IVANKA'S

  • FACTORIES.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

  • >> Jon: PUTTING IT OUT THERE, HUH?

  • THANK YOU.

  • >> Stephen: THE DAY'S BIG EVENT WAS A GIANT

  • POLITICAL RALLY FOR THE PRESIDENT CALLED "NAMASTE

  • TRUMP."

  • WHICH I REALLY HOPE MEANS HE HAD TO PUBLICLY DO YOGA.

  • (AS TRUMP) "FIRST, I GO DOWNWARD, LIKE A

  • DOG!

  • NOW, A SUN SALUTATION: HI, ERIC!"

  • A ( LAUGHTER )

  • "NAMASTE TRUMP" WAS MODI'S WAY OF THANKING TRUMP FOR A RALLY IN

  • SEPTEMBER, WHEN TRUMP JOINED THE PRIME MINISTER IN TEXAS FOR AN

  • EVENT CALLED "HOWDY MODI!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • WHICH WENT A LOT BETTER THAN TRUMP'S EVENT WITH THE CHINESE

  • PRESIDENT, "THAT'S WHAT XI SAID."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) TRUMP OPENED HIS SPEECH LIKE

  • THIS: >> TODAY INDIA WELCOMES US AT

  • THE WORLD'S LARGEST CRICKET STADIUM RIGHT HERE IN AHMEDABAD.

  • ( CHEERING ) IT IS A PROFOUND HONOR TO BE THE

  • BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, HE JUST SAID, "IT IS A PROFOUND HONOR TO BE

  • THE BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HE USED TO JUST PUT HIS NAME ON

  • BUILDINGS.

  • NOW HE WANTS TO BE THEM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • IT'S A STROKER.

  • IT'S A CHIN STROKER.

  • OF COURSE, BECAUSE HE WAS IN INDIA, TRUMP HAD TO PROVE THAT

  • ENGLISH ISN'T THE ONLY LANGUAGE HE STRUGGLES WITH:

  • >> NAMASTE.

  • THE PRIDE OF GUJARAT.

  • SOME OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST CRICKET PLAYERS FROM SUE CHIN

  • TENDLEKUR.

  • AS THE GREAT RELIGIOUS TEACHER SWAMI VIVEKANANDA ONCE SAID--

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YES, SWAMI

  • VI-VAY-KUNUNDUNDE ONCE SAID, "THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HOW

  • YOU PRONOUNCE MY NAME."

  • LATER IN THE DAY, TRUMP VISITED THE TAJ MAHAL, WHICH WAS THE

  • MODEL FOR ONE OF TRUMP'S INFAMOUS FAILED ATLANTIC CITY

  • CASINOS.