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  • MY FIRST GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN WHOSE NEW SPECIAL IS

  • "JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH BUNCH."

  • PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOHN MULANEY!

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

  • ( CHEERS ) >> THEY PLAYED THE LITTLE THEME

  • SONG, YES.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.

  • NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

  • >> NICE TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.

  • HOW HAVE YOU BEEN.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN LONG.

  • >> IT'S BEEN A LITTLE BIT.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU, BESIDES THE FACT

  • YOU'RE FUNNY AND YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY, EVERYBODY LOVES YOUR

  • STAND-UP SPECIALS.

  • YOU CAN WATCH THEM WITH THE WHOLE FAMILY.

  • >> THAT'S NICE.

  • >> Stephen: CAN'T YOU?

  • I'M NOT MISSING ANYTHING.

  • >> PEOPLE THAT SAY.

  • THEY GO, "YOU'RE VERY CLEAN."

  • >> Stephen: YES.

  • >> AND I'M NOT, BUT -- >> Stephen: SOMETIMES DARK.

  • >> DARK, YEAH, THE DARKER RECESS OF HUMANITY.

  • I TRY NOT TO SWEAR, BUT I DO SOMETIMES.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

  • >> AND I FOUND YOU CAN SWEAR IF YOU QUOTE SOMEONE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU SAY, "A GUY SAID TO ME,"

  • AND THEN SAY THE FILTHIEST THING YOU EVER THOUGHT OF, PEOPLE GO,

  • "OH, HE SAID THAT TO YOU?" THEY NEVER ASSIGN THAT TO THE

  • SPEAKER.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

  • >> THAT IS HOW I'VE BECOME THE SEMIDIRTY CLEANEST COMIC IN THE

  • UNITED STATES.

  • >> Stephen: "JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH BUNCH" IS A

  • NETFLIX SPECIAL.

  • CAN PEOPLE SEE IT NOW OR DO THEY HAVE TO WAIT?

  • >> THEY CAN SEE IT NOW ON NETFLIX.

  • IT PREMIERED DECEMBER 24.

  • IT'S A COMEDY SPECIAL, STARRING ME AND 15 CHILDREN.

  • >> Stephen: YOU ALMOST NAMED IT "LATCH KEY KIDS."

  • >> YES, JOHN MULANEY AND THE LATCH KEY KIDS.

  • >> Stephen: ARE YOU SURPRISED I KNEW THAT.

  • >> A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK OF THAT AS A PEJORATIVE TERM, A BAD

  • THING.

  • I WAS A LATCH KEY KID.

  • AND THAT MEANT YOU CAME HOME AND YOUR PARENTS WERE AT WORK AND

  • YOU HAD FUN, FREEDOM.

  • >> Stephen: IS THIS PERSON?" >> OH!

  • >> Stephen: IS THIS WHO WE'RE TALKING?

  • >> YES.

  • >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.

  • >> REAL QUICK, THE HAIRCUT, THE FRONT BANGS, I WOKE UP WITH GUM

  • IN MY HAIR, AND THEN I TOOK A PAIR OF SCISSORS, AND THAT'S MY

  • WORK RIGHT THERE, SNAPPED IT OFF.

  • >> Stephen: YOU DID THIS?

  • >> YEAH, DIMY OWN HAIR FOR THAT PHOTO.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S NICE.

  • >> I LOOKED REALLY CONFIDENT.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S VERY GOOD.

  • SHUUSE THIS AS YOUR HEAD SHOT.

  • >> YEAH.

  • THAT'S A COOL SHIRT, HONESTLY.

  • >> Stephen: SO WHAT WAS YOUR-- WHAT WAS YOUR FREEDOM LIKE WHEN

  • UPPER A LATCH KEY KID?

  • A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN?

  • WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

  • >> I WOULD COME HOME, I'D WATCH, LIKE, "MAURY."

  • >> Stephen: FOUND OUT WHO THE FATHER WAS.

  • >> AND THE DRILL SERGEANT WITH THE TEENS.

  • THAT GUY WOULD COME OUT AND YOU WERE LIKE, "IS HE IN THE ARMY

  • FOR REAL?" A BAD TEEN WOULD BE ON, AND

  • THEY'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T CARE WHAT MY MOM SAID."

  • AND A DRILL SERGEANT CAME OUT AND WOULD BE LIKE, "YOU'RE GOING

  • TO BE NICE TO YOUR MOTHER!" AND THEY WOULD CRY.

  • AND YOU'RE LIKE, IS THIS A MEMBER OF THE ARMED FORCE S.

  • >> Stephen: DID YOU GET A LESSON FROM THAT, I SHOULD BE

  • NICE TO MY MOM?

  • >> I'M STILL NICE TO MY PARENTS.

  • >> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.

  • THEY ASKED ME TO ASK YOU THAT.

  • >> I ALWAYS-- I KNEW IT WAS GOOD FOR BUSINESS TO BE-- ALWAYS

  • KEEP-- BE NICE TO THEM.

  • >> Stephen: AND DID YOU SEE THAT BY LOOKING AT YOUR OLDER

  • BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND GOING, "OKAY, I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE

  • THOSE MISTAKES?

  • >> NO, MY BROTHER AND SISTER WERE LESS DRAWN TO TROUBLE THAN

  • I WAS.

  • I LIKE THE FLAME OF TROUBLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: AND YOU WERE THE MOTH OF...

  • >> I WAS THE MOTH OF THE FAMILY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND I WENT TOWARDS THE LIGHT

  • BULB THAT WAS THE ALLURE OF DANGER.

  • >> Stephen: THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL.

  • >> THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL.

  • AND I WAS THE MOTH THAT WENT TOWARDS IT.

  • AS THEY-- AS THEY SAY IN THE LETTER TO THE POLITICALLIANS.

  • SO I WOULD SEE MY FRIENDS GET IN TROUBLE, AND I WAS LIKE, YOU

  • CAN'T GET BUSTED.

  • THAT'S BAD FOR BUSINESS.

  • >> Stephen: OH, SURE.

  • >> SO I COME IN AND SAY-- I STILL AM VERY OVERLY POLITE WITH

  • MY PARENTS TO A DEGREE.

  • I'M KIND OF LIKE A WAITER WHEN I SEE THEM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'LL BE LIKE, "AND HOW ARE WE

  • THIS EVENING?

  • YES, ALL RIGHT?

  • YI KNOW.

  • THANK YOU, I'M GLAD.

  • OKAY.

  • I WILL BE BACK WITH SOME BREAD RIGHT NOW.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I WAS ON VACATION-- MY WIFE AND

  • I TOOK OUR MOMS ON A TRIP FOR MOTHER'S DAY.

  • YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE WERE PULLED OVER PER

  • HAVING TOO MANY PASHMEANIAS IN ONE CAR.

  • THIRD DAY OF MY TRIP MY WIFE SAID, "YOU ACT FAKE AROUND YOUR

  • MOM."

  • AND I SAID, "YEAH."

  • AND SHE SAID, "WHY DO YOU DO THAT?"

  • AND I SAID, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO."

  • I SAID, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ACT FAKE AROUND ADULTS."

  • AND MY WIFE SAID, "YOU'RE 36 YEARS OLD."

  • AND THEN SHE SAID, "SO THERE'S A FAKE YOU WITH YOUR PARENTS."

  • AND I SAID, "YES."

  • "AND THERE'S A FAKE YOU ON STAGE."

  • AND I SAID, "YES."

  • SEE ANNA SAID, "HOW I DO KNOW WHEN I'M WITH YOU IT'S THE REAL

  • YOU."

  • AND I SAID, "YOU DON'T."

  • (LAUGHTER).

  • >> Stephen: HOW DID THAT GO OVER?

  • >> SO-- LET ME TELL YOU.

  • SHE-- SHE THOUGHT-- SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SHE THOUGHT A LITTLE

  • BIT AND SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR NINE

  • YEARS.

  • AND I THINK WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME.

  • BUT YOU WILL NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT I THINK OF YOU."

  • AND THEN SHE-- NO, BUT I LIKE THIS-- "AND I WILL NEVER KNOW

  • WHAT YOU THINK OF ME."

  • AND I SAID, "YEAH, IT'S KIND OF BEAUTIFUL."

  • AND I SAID, YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S A HELL, IF THERE'S AN AFTERLIFE,

  • IF THERE'S A HELL, I THINK IT'S AN ENCYCLOPEDIA, AND YOU CAN

  • JUST LOOK UP WHAT NERVE YOUR LIFE THOUGHT OF YOU.

  • AND IF THERE'S A HEAVEN IT'S A WIKIPEDIA, AND YOU CAN JUST

  • CHANGE THAT."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

  • THAT'S BEAUTIFUL AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME.

  • DID YOU WANT TO GET SOMETHING?

  • >>IMENTED WATER.

  • IS THIS YOURS?

  • >> Stephen: NO, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY YOURS.

  • I HAVE COFFEE OVER HERE.

  • >> YOU'RE DRINKING STRAIGHT-UP COFFEE.

  • >> Stephen: BLACK COFFEE, BABY DOLL.

  • FRESH CUP EVERY ACT.

  • >> A WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE EVERY ACT?

  • >> Stephen: JUST A COUPLE OF SIPS.

  • IT CLEANSES THE PAL AT AND LIGHTENS THE MIND.

  • JUST WATER?

  • >> JUST WATER FOR ME AND TREMENDOUS ANXIETY, YEAH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ALWAYS --

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY?

  • >> I DO HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY.

  • >> Stephen: AND THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO ACTUALLY

  • EVER TRULY KNOW YOU.

  • >> OH!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AHHH... THAT'S A REALLY GOOD

  • QUESTION.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • >> IS IT OKAY IF I TAKE TIME-- I KNOW WE'RE ON A NETWORK --

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE RIGHT HERE.

  • JUST GIVE ME 15 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, JIMMY.

  • >> OKAY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )