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  • MY FIRST GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN WHOSE NEW SPECIAL IS

  • "JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH BUNCH."

  • PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOHN MULANEY!

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

  • ( CHEERS ) >> THEY PLAYED THE LITTLE THEME

  • SONG, YES.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.

  • NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

  • >> NICE TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.

  • HOW HAVE YOU BEEN.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN LONG.

  • >> IT'S BEEN A LITTLE BIT.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU, BESIDES THE FACT

  • YOU'RE FUNNY AND YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY, EVERYBODY LOVES YOUR

  • STAND-UP SPECIALS.

  • YOU CAN WATCH THEM WITH THE WHOLE FAMILY.

  • >> THAT'S NICE.

  • >> Stephen: CAN'T YOU?

  • I'M NOT MISSING ANYTHING.

  • >> PEOPLE THAT SAY.

  • THEY GO, "YOU'RE VERY CLEAN."

  • >> Stephen: YES.

  • >> AND I'M NOT, BUT -- >> Stephen: SOMETIMES DARK.

  • >> DARK, YEAH, THE DARKER RECESS OF HUMANITY.

  • I TRY NOT TO SWEAR, BUT I DO SOMETIMES.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

  • >> AND I FOUND YOU CAN SWEAR IF YOU QUOTE SOMEONE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU SAY, "A GUY SAID TO ME,"

  • AND THEN SAY THE FILTHIEST THING YOU EVER THOUGHT OF, PEOPLE GO,

  • "OH, HE SAID THAT TO YOU?" THEY NEVER ASSIGN THAT TO THE

  • SPEAKER.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

  • >> THAT IS HOW I'VE BECOME THE SEMIDIRTY CLEANEST COMIC IN THE

  • UNITED STATES.

  • >> Stephen: "JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH BUNCH" IS A

  • NETFLIX SPECIAL.

  • CAN PEOPLE SEE IT NOW OR DO THEY HAVE TO WAIT?

  • >> THEY CAN SEE IT NOW ON NETFLIX.

  • IT PREMIERED DECEMBER 24.

  • IT'S A COMEDY SPECIAL, STARRING ME AND 15 CHILDREN.

  • >> Stephen: YOU ALMOST NAMED IT "LATCH KEY KIDS."

  • >> YES, JOHN MULANEY AND THE LATCH KEY KIDS.

  • >> Stephen: ARE YOU SURPRISED I KNEW THAT.

  • >> A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK OF THAT AS A PEJORATIVE TERM, A BAD

  • THING.

  • I WAS A LATCH KEY KID.

  • AND THAT MEANT YOU CAME HOME AND YOUR PARENTS WERE AT WORK AND

  • YOU HAD FUN, FREEDOM.

  • >> Stephen: IS THIS PERSON?" >> OH!

  • >> Stephen: IS THIS WHO WE'RE TALKING?

  • >> YES.

  • >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.

  • >> REAL QUICK, THE HAIRCUT, THE FRONT BANGS, I WOKE UP WITH GUM

  • IN MY HAIR, AND THEN I TOOK A PAIR OF SCISSORS, AND THAT'S MY

  • WORK RIGHT THERE, SNAPPED IT OFF.

  • >> Stephen: YOU DID THIS?

  • >> YEAH, DIMY OWN HAIR FOR THAT PHOTO.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S NICE.

  • >> I LOOKED REALLY CONFIDENT.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S VERY GOOD.

  • SHUUSE THIS AS YOUR HEAD SHOT.

  • >> YEAH.

  • THAT'S A COOL SHIRT, HONESTLY.

  • >> Stephen: SO WHAT WAS YOUR-- WHAT WAS YOUR FREEDOM LIKE WHEN

  • UPPER A LATCH KEY KID?

  • A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN?

  • WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

  • >> I WOULD COME HOME, I'D WATCH, LIKE, "MAURY."

  • >> Stephen: FOUND OUT WHO THE FATHER WAS.

  • >> AND THE DRILL SERGEANT WITH THE TEENS.

  • THAT GUY WOULD COME OUT AND YOU WERE LIKE, "IS HE IN THE ARMY

  • FOR REAL?" A BAD TEEN WOULD BE ON, AND

  • THEY'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T CARE WHAT MY MOM SAID."

  • AND A DRILL SERGEANT CAME OUT AND WOULD BE LIKE, "YOU'RE GOING

  • TO BE NICE TO YOUR MOTHER!" AND THEY WOULD CRY.

  • AND YOU'RE LIKE, IS THIS A MEMBER OF THE ARMED FORCE S.

  • >> Stephen: DID YOU GET A LESSON FROM THAT, I SHOULD BE

  • NICE TO MY MOM?

  • >> I'M STILL NICE TO MY PARENTS.

  • >> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.

  • THEY ASKED ME TO ASK YOU THAT.

  • >> I ALWAYS-- I KNEW IT WAS GOOD FOR BUSINESS TO BE-- ALWAYS

  • KEEP-- BE NICE TO THEM.

  • >> Stephen: AND DID YOU SEE THAT BY LOOKING AT YOUR OLDER

  • BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND GOING, "OKAY, I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE

  • THOSE MISTAKES?

  • >> NO, MY BROTHER AND SISTER WERE LESS DRAWN TO TROUBLE THAN

  • I WAS.

  • I LIKE THE FLAME OF TROUBLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: AND YOU WERE THE MOTH OF...

  • >> I WAS THE MOTH OF THE FAMILY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND I WENT TOWARDS THE LIGHT

  • BULB THAT WAS THE ALLURE OF DANGER.

  • >> Stephen: THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL.

  • >> THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL.

  • AND I WAS THE MOTH THAT WENT TOWARDS IT.

  • AS THEY-- AS THEY SAY IN THE LETTER TO THE POLITICALLIANS.

  • SO I WOULD SEE MY FRIENDS GET IN TROUBLE, AND I WAS LIKE, YOU

  • CAN'T GET BUSTED.

  • THAT'S BAD FOR BUSINESS.

  • >> Stephen: OH, SURE.

  • >> SO I COME IN AND SAY-- I STILL AM VERY OVERLY POLITE WITH

  • MY PARENTS TO A DEGREE.

  • I'M KIND OF LIKE A WAITER WHEN I SEE THEM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'LL BE LIKE, "AND HOW ARE WE

  • THIS EVENING?

  • YES, ALL RIGHT?

  • YI KNOW.

  • THANK YOU, I'M GLAD.

  • OKAY.

  • I WILL BE BACK WITH SOME BREAD RIGHT NOW.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I WAS ON VACATION-- MY WIFE AND

  • I TOOK OUR MOMS ON A TRIP FOR MOTHER'S DAY.

  • YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE WERE PULLED OVER PER

  • HAVING TOO MANY PASHMEANIAS IN ONE CAR.

  • THIRD DAY OF MY TRIP MY WIFE SAID, "YOU ACT FAKE AROUND YOUR

  • MOM."

  • AND I SAID, "YEAH."

  • AND SHE SAID, "WHY DO YOU DO THAT?"

  • AND I SAID, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO."

  • I SAID, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ACT FAKE AROUND ADULTS."

  • AND MY WIFE SAID, "YOU'RE 36 YEARS OLD."

  • AND THEN SHE SAID, "SO THERE'S A FAKE YOU WITH YOUR PARENTS."

  • AND I SAID, "YES."

  • "AND THERE'S A FAKE YOU ON STAGE."

  • AND I SAID, "YES."

  • SEE ANNA SAID, "HOW I DO KNOW WHEN I'M WITH YOU IT'S THE REAL

  • YOU."

  • AND I SAID, "YOU DON'T."

  • (LAUGHTER).

  • >> Stephen: HOW DID THAT GO OVER?

  • >> SO-- LET ME TELL YOU.

  • SHE-- SHE THOUGHT-- SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SHE THOUGHT A LITTLE

  • BIT AND SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR NINE

  • YEARS.

  • AND I THINK WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME.

  • BUT YOU WILL NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT I THINK OF YOU."

  • AND THEN SHE-- NO, BUT I LIKE THIS-- "AND I WILL NEVER KNOW

  • WHAT YOU THINK OF ME."

  • AND I SAID, "YEAH, IT'S KIND OF BEAUTIFUL."

  • AND I SAID, YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S A HELL, IF THERE'S AN AFTERLIFE,

  • IF THERE'S A HELL, I THINK IT'S AN ENCYCLOPEDIA, AND YOU CAN

  • JUST LOOK UP WHAT NERVE YOUR LIFE THOUGHT OF YOU.

  • AND IF THERE'S A HEAVEN IT'S A WIKIPEDIA, AND YOU CAN JUST

  • CHANGE THAT."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

  • THAT'S BEAUTIFUL AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME.

  • DID YOU WANT TO GET SOMETHING?

  • >>IMENTED WATER.

  • IS THIS YOURS?

  • >> Stephen: NO, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY YOURS.

  • I HAVE COFFEE OVER HERE.

  • >> YOU'RE DRINKING STRAIGHT-UP COFFEE.

  • >> Stephen: BLACK COFFEE, BABY DOLL.

  • FRESH CUP EVERY ACT.

  • >> A WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE EVERY ACT?

  • >> Stephen: JUST A COUPLE OF SIPS.

  • IT CLEANSES THE PAL AT AND LIGHTENS THE MIND.

  • JUST WATER?

  • >> JUST WATER FOR ME AND TREMENDOUS ANXIETY, YEAH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ALWAYS --

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY?

  • >> I DO HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY.

  • >> Stephen: AND THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO ACTUALLY

  • EVER TRULY KNOW YOU.

  • >> OH!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AHHH... THAT'S A REALLY GOOD

  • QUESTION.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • >> IS IT OKAY IF I TAKE TIME-- I KNOW WE'RE ON A NETWORK --

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE RIGHT HERE.

  • JUST GIVE ME 15 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, JIMMY.

  • >> OKAY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Stephen: WHILE WE WAIT FOR AN ANSWER, A REMINDER TO OUR

  • AUDIENCE, JOHN MULANEY HAS BEEN ASKED THE QUESTION, "IS YOUR

  • ANXIETY WHY YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW YOU?"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> FROM AN EARLY AGE, I TRIED TO

  • BE FUNNY FOR THE ADULTS.

  • I MEAN, MY MOM SAID, "WHEN YOU WERE A BABY, YOU USED TO POKE

  • YOUR HEAD OUT OF BLANKETS."

  • AND SHE SAID, "IT WAS LIKE YOU KNEW HOW TO BE CUTE."

  • SHE DID SAY IT FLAITERRINGLY.

  • SHE SAID, "IT'S WEIRD, IT'S LIKE YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING."

  • I THINK I FEEL I HAVE TO PROVIDE THAT IN ORDER FOR PEOPLE TO LIKE

  • ME.

  • THEN, YOU KNOW, LIKE THE IDEA OF WOULD THEY LIKE ME JUST AS ME

  • WITHOUT POKING OUT OF THE BLANKET, METAPHORICALLY, IS A

  • REAL THOUGHT OR CONCERN.

  • >> Stephen: FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, MR. MULLANEY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) FOLLOW-UP QUESTION,

  • MR. MULLANEY.

  • AT THE CRUX OF YOUR ANSWER IS THE NEED TO BE LIKED.

  • >> RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET TO A STAGE WHERE

  • YOU CAN BE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE WHETHER THEY LIKE YOU

  • OR NOT?

  • >> UM, I DON'T MEAN TO TURN IT ON YOU, BUT --

  • >> Stephen: BUT.

  • >> HOW-- MAY I-- HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

  • LIKE, WHERE ARE YOU AT IN YOUR PROCESS IN-- OR DO YOU HAVE A

  • PROCESS IN TERMS OF BEING IN THE PUBLIC EYE, BEING VERY FUNNY,

  • AND COMING HOME AND FACING STEPHEN IN THE MIRROR?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).

  • ( CHEERS ) THOSE 4:00 A.M. MOMENTS, YOU

  • KNOW.

  • ( SIGHS ) >> Stephen: I HAVE GOTTEN TO A

  • PLACE WHERE I DON'T WANT A LOT FROM THE AUDIENCE OTHER THAN TO

  • MAKE THEM LAUGH AND TO MAKE A CONNECTION THAT MY INTERNAL

  • ANXIETIES, AS I EXPRESS THEM EXTERNALLY THROUGH THE JOKE,

  • WHEN IT MAKES THEM LAUGH, I HAVE THE SENSE OF CAMARADERIE AND

  • COMMUNITY THAT I'M NOT CRAZY TO FEEL THIS WAY, BECAUSE THEY

  • WOULDN'T LAUGH UNLESS THEY RECOGNIZED IT IT IN SOMEBODY

  • ELSE.

  • >> OKAY.

  • >> Stephen: IT MIGHT BE ANXIETY ABOUT LIFE OR DEATH OR

  • ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY IN THE NEWS.

  • AND SO THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO I KNOW DON'T LIKE

  • ME.

  • BECAUSE OF THE SOMETIMES-DIVISIVE NATURE OF THE

  • JOKES THEY MAKE.

  • >> OH, OKAY.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

  • >> RIGHT.

  • THAT FEELS PERSONAL.

  • >> Stephen: WILL IF YOU KNOW THAT'S HAPPENING-- NO, WHAT

  • FEELS PERSONAL IS THE CONNECTION I MAKE WITH THE PEOPLE WHO DO

  • APPRECIATE THE JOKES.

  • AND BEYOND, THAT I'M JUST DOING MY JOB, AND I WISH NO ONE HARM.

  • AND IF SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO, I DON'T LIKE THAT,

  • BUT IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

  • >> WOW, THAT'S REALLY GREAT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A-- THAT SOUNDS LIKE A

  • GREAT STATE TO BE IN.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

  • >> THAT'S VERY GOOD, YEAH.

  • I THINK I AM COMING OUT OF A FAZE WHERE-- DO YOU KNOW THE

  • VELVET UNDERGROUND SONG "I'LL BE YOUR MIRROR"?

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • >> I THINK IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SONG.

  • I REALIZED LISTENING TO IT, NO ONE ELSE CAN BE YOUR MIRROR.

  • YOU JUST HAVE TO NOT GO OFF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU TO BE

  • WHAT YOU ARE.

  • AND THIS-- I DON'T MEAN TO WEDGE IN TO THE THING I JUST WORKED

  • ON, BUT I WAS WORKING WITH THESE KIDS AGES 8-13, AND I THOUGHT

  • OH, I REMEMBER BEING THAT AGE, AND THAT IS THE STATE I WOULD

  • LIKE TO BE IN.

  • BECAUSE THEY WERE VERY KIND.

  • THEY WERE VERY THOUGHTFUL.

  • AND THEY ALSO KNEW THAT THEY HAD NO CONTROL OVER THEIR LIVES AT

  • ALL BECAUSE THEY WERE CHILDREN.

  • AND THEY WOULD SAY-- ONE KID SAID TO ME, "YOU KNOW, MY MOM

  • GETS REALLY MAD WHEN I GET BELOW A 90 ON A TEST."

  • I SAID A 90 IS GREAT.

  • WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER TO BACK OFF?"

  • YOU KNOW.

  • AND HE SAID, "BECAUSE IF I DID THAT, I'D BE TOAST."

  • AND I THOUGHT, RIGHT.

  • YOU'RE A PERSON, LIKE ME, YOUR FEELINGS ARE THE SAME.

  • THEY HAVE THE SAME VALIDITY.

  • BUT YOU KNOW THAT PEOPLE GO, "YOU'RE GOING TO KARATE CLASS

  • NOW!" AND THEN YOU'RE IN KARATE ALL OF

  • A SUDDEN.

  • >> Stephen: RIGHT.

  • >> RIGHT?

  • I THOUGHT FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS I COULD CONTROL THE KARATE

  • CLASSES OF MY LIFE.

  • BUT YOU CANNOT, NOT EVEN AS AN ADULT, NOT EVEN AT AGE 37 IF

  • YOU'RE ME.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.

  • >> YOU STILL WILL SOMETIMES BE SHOVED INTO A CAR AND TOLD THAT

  • YOU'RE TAKING BALLROOM DANCING.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DID YOU TAKE

  • BALLROOM DANCING?

  • >> I TOOK-- I TOOK BALLROOM DANCING FOR MY WEDDING.

  • BOTH MY BROTHER AND SISTER TOOK IT WHEN THEY WERE 10 AND 11, I

  • BELIEVE.

  • DID YOU GO TOICA TILLIONS AND THINGS LIKE THAT.

  • >> Stephen: I DID.

  • >> AND DID YOU LEARN BALLROOM DANCING FOR THEM.

  • >> Stephen: I DID.

  • >> AND DO YOU STILL KNOW IT.

  • >> Stephen: I DO.

  • >> I WOULD SAY IF I GAVE A SPEECH TO HOOLERS-- AND NO ONE

  • IS ASKING FOR THIS-- I WOULD SAY, "YOUNG MEN, LEARN HOW TO

  • DANCE."

  • BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DANCE UNTIL-- I DIDN'T KNOW HOW

  • TO BALLROOM DANCE UNTIL I WAS 33.

  • AND THE WORST DANCER AT A WEDDING IS THE ONE WHO'S NOT

  • DANCING.

  • SO LEARN HOW TO BALLROOM DANCE.

  • THAT WOULD BE MY WHOLE SPEECH TO GRADUATES, IF I GAVE ONE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: THE WORST DANCER AT A WEDDING IS THE ONE WHO IS

  • NOT DANCING.

  • YOU MIS100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE.

  • >> THAT'S RIGHT.

  • THE GUY WHO SAYS, "I'M GOING TO DRINK COFFEE FOR AN HOUR WHILE

  • EVERYONE IS DANCING."

  • JUST LEARN A BOX STEP AND GET OUT THERE.

  • >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.

  • I HOPE YOU'LL STICK AROUND.

  • I'D LIKE TO BE BACK WITH MORE JOHN MULANEY.

MY FIRST GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN WHOSE NEW SPECIAL IS

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