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  • -I was running a bit behin today, so I thought,

  • if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like to write out

  • my weekly Thank You Notes right now.

  • Is that cool with you guys [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you.

  • James, can I get some Thank Yo Note-writing music, please

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • Ah. Such a good mood all the time.

  • -Yeah.

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • What?

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • -Thank you, CDC telling people not to touch their face,

  • for being a great way to get millions of Americans

  • to want to touch their face.

  • It's like... "Wait. What?"

  • -Nyah!

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • -Thank you, self-quarantinin if you feel flu-like symptoms,

  • or, as that's also known, Netflix and chills.

  • -Ahh. Come on.

  • Come on.

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • -Thank you, Democratic candidate field

  • for having more drop-outs this week

  • than a 7:00 a.m. spin clas

  • the morning after St. Patrick's Day.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [Irish accent] "I don't think can make the class, my friend.

  • -[Irish accent] "I'm a bit busy."

  • -"Yes." -"Brutal."

  • ♪♪♪♪ -Thank you, New York City,

  • for cleaning the subway with bleach every three days..

  • or, as murderers put it, "Thanks for the heads up."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • [ Imitating suctioning ]

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • -[ Laughing evilly ]

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • -Just wanna say hi.

  • -Achoo!

  • -I didn't know you were gonna do "Schwinn!"

  • [ Laughs ]

  • Going to that acting class is really paying off.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • Thank you, New York's ban on plastic bags.

  • Well, well, well, I guess saving 900 plastic bags

  • under my kitchen sink for ten years finally paid off

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • Schwinn!

  • [ Applause ]

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • -Thank you, nail clippers,

  • for allowing me to cut my nail and cut a bitch.

  • -Ooh!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • -Schwinn! -Schwinn!

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • -Thank you, daylight savin

  • being the time we spring forward,

  • for being the most positive wa of saying

  • "screwed out of another hour of sleep."

  • There you go, everybody. Those are my Thank You Notes

-I was running a bit behin today, so I thought,

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