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  • -Well, last night was the New Hampshire primary,

  • and the people made their voice loud and clear.

  • The voters say, "We want Bernie Sanders

  • 1% more than Pete Buttigieg."

  • [ Laughter ] That's right.

  • The big winner in New Hampshire was Bernie Sanders.

  • You can tell Bernie's fired up.

  • Last night he was mixing Metamucil into a shot of Jager.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, Bernie was victorious,

  • and he celebrated apparently with a closed-mouth smile

  • and a horn sound.

  • [ Mimics horn ]

  • Actually, Bernie really was thrilled.

  • Here he is again at his victory party.

  • Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • Bernie hasn't been this excited since movies got sound.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Can we zoom in on Bernie's grandson?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah.

  • He's thinking, "I was pulling for my classmate

  • Pete Buttigieg." [ Laughter ]

  • It was a big night in New Hampshire.

  • Bernie Sanders finished first, Pete Buttigieg finished second,

  • and Joe Biden is finished.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right.

  • Joe Biden finished the night in a distant fifth place.

  • And now the four people ahead of him are scared

  • because the last place you want Joe Biden is behind you.

  • And -- [ Laughter ]

  • Now, seriously -- [ Audience oohs ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know. I know you know.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Seriously, I'm not saying Biden's in trouble,

  • but in South Carolina he's already losing

  • to a balanced broom.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But Biden hasn't given up. In fact, yesterday he said

  • Mickey Mouse could beat President Trump in an election.

  • Then Mickey heard and was like, "Actually at 91 years old,

  • I'm one of the youngest Democrats in the race, so..."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, Andrew Yang

  • officially dropped out of the race.

  • Yang supported giving Americans $1,000 a month,

  • reducing student loans, and legalizing weed.

  • Americans heard that and were like, "Wait, he did?

  • We messed up. Come back! Hey, we like you!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Another candidate who looks like their campaign is in rough shape

  • is Tom Steyer, which brings us to a new piece called

  • "Tom Steyer, Poor Choice of Words."

  • ♪♪

  • -I think that we're gonna come out of New Hampshire

  • and come to Nevada, where in fact, I've already come.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Whoa!

  • -Ow!

  • Dang.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Oh, my goodness.

  • -Back in Washington, Trump was bragging about the economy

  • and pointed out that the big four companies,

  • Microsoft, Apple, Google, and Amazon spell out "MAGA."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Take a look, yeah.

  • And then cameras had to cut away

  • when Trump held up four more companies --

  • Facebook, UPS, Costco, and Kohl's.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some business news.

  • I saw that Crocs has teamed up with KFC to make

  • new fried-chicken-inspired clog shoes.

  • Take a look at this.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm not sure if the word "clog"

  • refers to the shoes or your arteries.

  • But either way it's -- [ Laughter ]

  • And this is very exciting.

  • Chipotle just announced a new promotion

  • where they're giving away free guac.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Take a look at this commercial and see how it works.

  • -Good news, everyone.

  • Chipotle is now giving away free guac to all rewards members.

  • Just text "guac mode" to 104836.

  • Not a rewards member? That's cool.

  • Just visit our website and enter your name, home address,

  • phone number, and e-mail,

  • then the first five digits of your Social Security number

  • followed by the last four digits of your Social Security number.

  • Then all you have to do is answer a few security questions.

  • Hang on. You're almost there.

  • Then create a unique password

  • that's at least 42 characters long.

  • It should have upper and lower case letters, along with numbers

  • and a few different types of punctuation.

  • Next, submit a hair and saliva DNA sample by mail,

  • and after six to eight months of processing,

  • we should have the results that confirm it's you.

  • Best of all, guac mode is only available

  • at two participating Chipotle restaurants,

  • and one is in Baku, Azerbaijan.

  • Chipotle -- making dreams come true.

  • -Yeah, isn't that cool? It's exciting.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] -Free guac.

  • -Cool promotion. -Yeah.

  • -Get this.

  • When a man at a restaurant in Massachusetts

  • was paying a $12 bill, he left the waitress a $2,000 tip.

  • [ Audience oohs ]

  • Then she was like, "Fine, Mr. Bloomberg,

  • I'll vote for you."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally I heard about a Girl Scout troop

  • in Illinois that's been selling

  • cookies outside of a weed dispensary.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • They just earned a new badge that says, "Friggin' genius."

  • We have a great show.

-Well, last night was the New Hampshire primary,

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Senator Bernie Sanders Wins New Hampshire Primary

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/03/07
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