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  • -Do you like to be interviewed

  • or do you like interviewing people?

  • -Uh, I -- That's such a weird --

  • Like, both, but interviewing is hard for me.

  • I don't know how you don't roll your eyes at people

  • when they say crazy things.

  • Don't you feel like celebrities,

  • some of them are very out of touch?

  • Come on. [ Laughter ]

  • Come on, America. You know.

  • -What do you mean -- well -- -Like celebrities, I just --

  • there's a lot of celebrities that are just so far gone

  • and so rich and have gotten so crazy,

  • I feel like it's gonna be hard for me to not just be like,

  • "Ugh!"

  • Like, every famous celebrity I know believes in ghosts.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • And then when you hear why, you're just like, "Idiot!"

  • Like -- like -- [ Laughter ]

  • Like, a celebrity would be like, "Oh, my God.

  • I was in my house and, like, I put my purse down,

  • and, like, a couple hours later the purse was somewhere else."

  • It's like, "Bitch, 'cause you have help.

  • That's your assistant." [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ] That's not --

  • ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Oh, my gosh. Just sit there.

  • -So -- okay, but there's more.

  • -Just take over the show. -But also, there's --

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • There's --

  • -I can't compete. I can't compete anymore.

  • Yeah, I can't do it. -Thank you.

  • -Oh, my gosh. Yes, I understand that.

  • -Do you believe in ghosts? -Well, this one time

  • I, uh, I opened my refrigerator and there was food in there.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -The saddest part is doing this bit,

  • I pulled it open to go to a website

  • and I went to whitneycummings.com.

  • That was sad. [ Laughter ]

  • -That's the first -- -That's the only website

  • I go to, I guess, really, at this point.

  • -You know what? I want to hear this story.

  • I want you to tell the story about your dogs

  • on tour because we have -- -Oh.

  • -I love it. I think it's a really sweet story.

  • -You know, dogs -- people have dogs?

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • So when you have dogs,

  • because no one wants to have kids with you yet.

  • Um... [ Laughter ]

  • You can relate.

  • So if you have dogs,

  • you end up in the emergency room like all the time.

  • This is not a funny story.

  • This is more a heartwarming story.

  • And I'm not insecure at all. I don't need to prepare you

  • for the fact that this isn't about to be funny.

  • Sometimes you have to go to the vet at 2:00 in the morning

  • and crazy things happen.

  • I just feel like there's so much negativity out there,

  • and I just wanted to share the story

  • 'cause it's so heartwarming. -Yeah.

  • -So this dog comes in, this woman is hysterically crying

  • with this dog that has probably been hit by a car.

  • Something -- it's bad. Blood everywhere.

  • She's, like, screaming, crying. This is a disaster.

  • The male vet comes in to grab the dog.

  • The dog is growling. Will not go.

  • She's goes, "I'm so sorry, the dog does not like men."

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • 'Cause they're smart. Um...

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • 'Cause they know. They get it.

  • -Oh, my God. -So --

  • So the dog will not go with the vet,

  • even though it's in bad shape. It's growling. It's scared.

  • The vet, without missing a beat,

  • goes behind the counter and grabs a giant blonde wig.

  • [ Audience aws ]

  • Puts it on his head.

  • Goes back over. Dog stops growling.

  • Takes the dog, whisks it back to the E.R.

  • Two hours later, emerges with the dog in two little casts,

  • totally healed, still wearing the wig.

  • -[ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ]

  • That's what men do!

  • That's what real men do. -My hero.

  • -Real men wear wigs. -My hero.

  • -Whitney Cummings, everybody. Check out her podcast,

  • "Good for you." -"Good for you."

  • -And go see her on tour.

-Do you like to be interviewed

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A2 TheTonightShow laughter heartwarming growling applause whitney

Whitney Cummings Swaps Places with Jimmy to Talk "Idiot" Celebs and Heartwarming Vets

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/03/07
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