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  • -There was a thing saying you might run for mayor.

  • -For New York. No, New York, not South Bend.

  • -No, for mayor of New York City? -Yeah, I know,

  • I'm going to start with New York.

  • Listen, no.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • It's not -- Thank you, I appreciate that.

  • -Standing ovation. -Thank you. Thank you.

  • Thank you. [ Cheering continues ]

  • -Please. -They were ready for it.

  • It's unbelievable.

  • -Thank you. Please, sit down.

  • Please sit down. -Here he is.

  • -Please sit. -John Mulaney!

  • -Please. -Mayor Mulaney!

  • -Earlier this evening, I called Mayor de Blasio

  • and I conceded because I got zero votes, and --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • No, I don't know why I got this in my head.

  • I know why. I had, like, too much --

  • I had like a month where I wasn't doing anything.

  • -Yeah. -So...

  • I was walking around New York.

  • I was getting so angry about things.

  • You know, there was -- so I said --

  • I came home and I said, "I'm going to run for mayor,"

  • to my wife, you know? -Yeah.

  • -And she said, "Okay, but you have to think about stuff

  • for all five boroughs.

  • It can't just be things on our block."

  • And I was like, "All right."

  • But then, I just -- look.

  • No matter who the Mayor of New York is, we hate him,

  • and then, by the time he goes, we're like,

  • "That's the mayor. We love him," you know.

  • Like Bloomberg, we hated. He'd be on --

  • He'd come out and like cover the city in beige carpeting,

  • and then, be like, "Shoes off."

  • And we'd be like, "Ah!"

  • And then, by the time he left, we were like,

  • "Hey, it's Mayor Bloomberg."

  • And now we hate him again. It's a cycle.

  • -Yeah. -So de Blasio is low, right?

  • -Yeah. -Remember --

  • Were you at the Paul Simon concert when de Blasio got up?

  • -Yeah, we were there together. -Yeah.

  • Remember, they're like, "Ladies and gentlemen,

  • Mayor de Blasio."

  • "Boo!" [ Laughter ]

  • -It was louder than like an encore for like "Graceland."

  • -Yeah. -They're like, "Whoo!"

  • -It was like Vince McMahon level theater.

  • Like, "Boo!"

  • -Yeah, that was crazy.

  • -De Blasio walks out with his stupid sideburns and --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But -- but I -- here's -- Okay. Here's --

  • Look, I know I won't be good as mayor.

  • Okay? I know that. But here's my thing.

  • I'm going to get rid of Uber and Lyft,

  • and if you don't like it,

  • you can get rid of me in two years.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But you can't -- there's a bus lane,

  • and then there's a bike lane,

  • and then there's one million new Ubers,

  • and then there's 10 billion new Lyfts.

  • -Yeah. -And it's just you can't do it.

  • And I have a whole commercial laid out.

  • -Really? -Yeah.

  • I mean, I haven't shot it, but you know,

  • you can imagine it.

  • You can imagine it. I'm imagining it.

  • So here's the commercial. All right.

  • It's not fun, but it's -- this is just a good idea.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So it's an ambulance -- Shh, this is serious.

  • So it's an ambulance, and it's going

  • up Sixth Avenue at 3:00 P.M.

  • It's an ambulance. Sirens are going, you know?

  • You feel the tension, right? -What time of the day?

  • -3:00 P.M. -Yeah.

  • It goes, it's 3:00 P.M.

  • It's not rush hour. It's not lunchtime.

  • And the streets are jammed.

  • And then I'll have an actor that looks like de Blasio

  • ride by on a bicycle, right? [ Laughter ]

  • And then it'll say,

  • "Now imagine someone you love is in this ambulance."

  • And then it goes, "boom."

  • And it says, "Bill de Blasio said he'd fix everything

  • in New York," which he didn't. He didn't say that.

  • But... [ Laughter ]

  • -You can't put words in his mouth.

  • -Oh, you can do that. -You can't do that.

  • -I'm not going to put "quotes." I'll say --

  • I'll say he said something like -- okay.

  • Bill de Blasio was like,

  • "I'm going to fix everything in New York,"

  • right? -You're safe.

  • -I'm in safe territory. -My lawyer says you're safe.

  • My lawyer says you're safe, yeah.

  • -Good, yeah. And then it will just say,

  • "John Mulaney as Mayor." -Wow, that's pretty good.

  • -I think when you say -- yeah. -That's a good, that's a...

  • [ Cheers and applause ] ...memorable commercial.

  • And it hits a nerve.

  • -I think it's, like, mean-spirited.

  • I don't like that I thought of it, but once I thought of it,

  • I thought, like, "That's a good idea."

  • I -- I like Mayor de Blasio.

  • I have had run-ins with him that I found awkward.

  • I was hosting that Museum of Natural History benefit

  • that Mr. Lorne Michaels does.

  • -Our boss. -Yeah.

  • The producer of "Saturday Night Live."

  • -And "The Tonight Show" as well.

  • -And "The Tonight Show," yeah, -That's right.

  • He's our producer.

  • He produces everything in this building.

  • -Yeah, that's right, yeah.

  • He's a good TV producer.

  • -He's fantastic. -Yeah, he's got hits.

  • So he has this benefit at the Natural History museum.

  • Have you ever hosted it, where you kind of go,

  • "Welcome, everybody." -Of course.

  • -"This is -- Look at all the animals."

  • Because it's like the zoo, but they're dead, you know.

  • [ Laughter ] -It's a museum.

  • Yeah, it's a museum.

  • -It's a museum of animal bodies

  • and what they would look like next to fake trees and stuff.

  • But it's a nice museum. It's a great place.

  • So I had --

  • I worked all day -- I worked for like three days

  • on all these jokes, and most of them

  • were de Blasio jokes. -Yeah.

  • -Because it's a New York audience, and I, you know,

  • I mean, I opened -- I opened bad right away

  • because I was like, "This is great.

  • I saw there's an elephant here. So finally for one night,

  • the elephant in the room for you guys is not Jeffrey Epstein,"

  • and -- yeah, right. [ Audience ohs ]

  • Just like you.

  • Hey, no, but just like you,

  • they were upset right away. [ Applause ]

  • -Yeah. -And I said, but --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -It's a tough room. -"But like Jeffrey Epstein,

  • this elephant was murdered."

  • I did a second part of the joke. [ Audience ohs ]

  • I know, right. Just -- Yeah, exactly.

  • -But it's also -- But this is a good room.

  • That room, I will say, is a little tough.

  • -You mean the museum with the highest ceiling in the world

  • and all the richest people in the world

  • staring at you?

  • It looks like an event the Joker would crash into it.

  • [ Laughter ] And...

  • -You should have opened with that.

  • You should have opened with that one.

  • You should have opened with that.

  • -Wait, I got to get another chance.

  • So then, I just did these introductory remarks,

  • two of which you just heard, which were terrible jokes.

  • So I sit down at the table, and then, someone runs up

  • and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest here.

  • Mayor Bill de Blasio has dropped by the benefit."

  • Now this was called a black tie event.

  • Now that means that you wear a tuxedo if you're a man.

  • Now I'm not saying -- You're not a good per--

  • I'm not saying you're a better person if you're in a tuxedo,

  • but Bill de Blasio walks up in a light blue suit

  • with a bright red tie, like a clown.

  • And... [ Laughter ]