Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles >> ALL RIGHT! THANKS A LOT EVERYBODY. THANK YOU. I'M REALLY HAPPY TO BE BACK ON THE SHOW. I HAD A LOT OF FUN LAST TIME AND WHEN THEY ASKED ME TO DO THE SHOW THIS TIME I WAS PSYCHED, BECAUSE THE TIMING IS PERFECT. I HAVE A BUNCH OF TOUR DATES LINED UP, GOING TO DIFFERENTLY CITIES. I MENTIONED THAT TO THE PRODUCERS BACKSTAGE, THEY SAID DON'T MENTION THE CITIES, DON'T DO COMEDY NOT LIKE A COMMERCIAL, DON'T SELL MYSELF. ABSOLUTELY. I'M A COMEDIAN, I HAVE JOKES, I'M EXCITED TO TELL THEM, JUST TO MAKE SURE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS DON'T GO OUT THERE AND SAY FOR EXAMPLE I'M GOING TO BE IN THREANG CITY ON FEBRUARY 8th AT THE HARD ROCK CASINO OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, THEY SAID, EXACTLY, DON'T SAY THAT. I AM NOT GOING TO SAY THAT, SO HERE WE GO. I'M GOING TO DO JOKES. ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE THAT. [APPLAUSE] >> Pelley: >> T>> ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE T I HAD A REALLY GOOD CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR. HALLOWEEN IS MY FAVORITE. THAT'S MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY, THAT'S THE ONLY HOLIDAY YOU DON'T HAVE TO CELEBRATE WITH YOUR FAMILY WHICH IS NICE. YOU NEVER HEAR LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR HALLOWEEN, OH I GOT TO FLY BACK EAST AND GO TRICK OR TREATING WITH MY PARENTS. THAT SUCKS, YES, THEY GOT A DIVORCE SO I GOT TO BRING TWO DIFFERENT COSTUMES. SO THAT'S TOUGH. LAWFER. (LAUGHTER) >> I WONDER IF LEOPARDS LOOK TRASHY TO OTHER ANIMALS? KIND OF LIKE UH, YOU GOING TO WEAR THAT, OKAY. HEAD TO STOW, WOW, VERY BOLD! SORRY. I GOT A DRY MOUTH, SORRY ABOUT THAT. (LAUGHTER) >> I FEEL BETTER, SORRY, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S NERVES OR WHATEVER, IT'S DRY MOUTH. SOME ANIMALS THEIR NAME IS VERY INTERESTING BECAUSE IT TELLS YOU HOW TO BEHAVE WHEN YOU ARE AROUND THE ANIMAL. LIKE THE DUCK, YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE DUCK IF IT'S LYING LOW, IT'S LIKE DUCK WATCH OUT, OR BAT, YOU KNOW BAT IT, GET RID OF IT. THE BADGER, LIKE BADGER, BOTHER. BUT SOME ARE TRICKY LIKE THE LIONS, DO NOT -- YEAH. AND THE BLOW FISH, DEFINITELY -- WITH (LAUGHTER) >> THAT'S A TRICK, THAT'S A TRICK. I WENT TO A RESTAURANT LAST WEEK THAT WAS FARM TO TABLE TO TOILET. OH, I CAN'T REMEMBER MY NEXT, I'M SORRY, I CAN'T REMEMBER MY NEXT BIT, LET ME CHECK MY NOTES, EMBARRASSING. (LAUGHTER) >> NO. (APPLAUSE) >> IT MIGHT BE THE OTHER SIDE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW! (APPLAUSE) >> I THINK IT'S IN MY OTHER PANTS. WHATEVER, I THINK I REMEMBER ANYWAY. I WAS AT A DINNER PARTY A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AND I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I SAID CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM, YES, IT'S RIGHT THERE, RIGHT NEXT TO THE DINING ROOM, THAT'S OKAY. I'M OLD ENOUGH I USUALLY KNOW HOW TO TURN TON LIGHT IN THE BATHROOM, SOMETIMES I'LL GO IN IN THE DARK, I GOT THIS. I WENT IN AND I CLOSED THE DOOR AND IT WAS DARK FOR A LONG TIME BECAUSE I WAS LIKE FONDLING THE WALL. THE SWITCH WAS OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM. WHAT KIND OF CONTROL FREAK HAS THE LIGHT SWITCH OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM? IS THAT LIKE SOMEONE IS TAKING TOO LONG? OKAY THE SHOW'S OVER, PICK IT UP, JUST NUMBER 1S IN MY HOUSE, ALL RIGHT? YEAH, I FEEL HOT. I DON'T KNOW, THE STUDIO LIGHTS, YOU'RE BACKSTAGE IT'S NOT THAT HOT. I JUST WANT TO TAKE MY JACKET OFF. SORRY. OH YES, THANKS. NOW I'M HOLDING A JACKET. THIS IS AWKWARD. LET ME JUST HANG IT UP. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. OKAY. BE (APPLAUSE) >> OKAY, THAT'S GOOD. THE OTHER DAY, THIS WOMAN SAID TO ME, SHE ASKED ME WHAT MA MAN-SPLAINING WAS, I WAS LIKE NICE TRY, I HAVE NO IDEA. I LIKE SPORTS BARS BECAUSE THEY COLLECT ALL THE PEOPLE I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH, AND THEY PUT THEM IN ONE ROOM. IT'S KIND OF COOL. (APPLAUSE) >> I DIDN'T EVEN SAY HI. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, WHAT'S GOING ON? >> I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO DO SO WELL WITH NORTH HAMPTON, MASSACHUSETTS ON MAY NINTH. >> THANKS MAN, I APPRECIATE THAT. >> IF YOU ADD THE WORD ADULT TO ANYTHING, IT MAKES IT SEEM SEXUAL, MAKES IT SOUND KIND OF SEXY. ADULT BOOKS, ADULT FILMS, ADULT ACTORS. BUT NOT DIAPERS. DIAPERS DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME RING TO IT YOU KNOW LIKE, JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M WEARING ADULT DIAPERS. IS THAT GOOD? WELL LET'S JUST SAY I HAVE A LITTLE TROUBLE CONTROLLING MYSELF. SOON I'LL BE MOVING INTO AN ADULT FACILITY. OH, MY SHOE IS UNTIED. I DON'T WANT TO TRIP UP HERE, I'M SORRY, I GOT TO TIE MY SHOE REAL QUICK. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> COOL, ALL RIGHT, GREAT, I'M ALMOST DONE. MY BIOLOGICAL PARENTS GET MAD AT ME WHEN I CALL THEM THAT. (LAUGHTER) >> I HAVE AN L SHAPED SOFA AT HOME, LOWER-CASE. THAT'S IT. THANKS EVERYBODY! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME I APPRECIATES IT. >> James: DEMETRI MARTIN, EVERYONE! HE'S ON THE "WANDERING MIND" TOUR. TOUR DATES AND TICKETS AT demetrimartin.com WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
A2 TheLateLateShow adult bathroom applause duck laughter Demetri Martin Stand-up 10 0 林宜悉 posted on 2020/03/07 More Share Save Report Video vocabulary