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  • LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.

  • AS YOU KNOW, TONIGHT WAS THE TENTH DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL

  • DEBATE.

  • AND IT WAS HOSTED RIGHT HERE ON THIS NETWORK, CBS.

  • WHICH EXPLAINS WHY BERNIE SANDERS ANSWERED EVERY QUESTION

  • WITH, "BAZINGA."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THIS NETWORK HOSTED THE LATEST

  • DEBATE.

  • THAT MEANS CBS IS NOW HOME TO BOTH "THE AMAZING RACE" AND "THE

  • REALLY LONG, ANNOYING RACE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) CBS IS, OF COURSE, ALSO HOME TO

  • THE LONG-RUNNING SOAP OPERA "THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL."

  • AND IN AN EFFORT TO DRAW IN THOSE VIEWERS, HERE'S HOW THEY

  • PROMOTED TONIGHT'S DEBATE.

  • "THE OLD AND THE BUTTIGIEG."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) LAST WEEK'S DEBATE HAD SIX

  • PEOPLE ONSTAGE, BUT THERE WERE SEVEN TONIGHT, BECAUSE LONG-SHOT

  • BILLIONAIRE, TOM STEYER, WAS A LAST-MINUTE QUALIFIER.

  • SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.

  • SIX PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES AND TOM STEYER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TOM STEYER IS THE GUY AT THE

  • PARTY WHO BUSTS THROUGH THE DOOR AND IS LIKE, "I'M BACK,

  • BITCHES!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • AND EVERYONE'S LIKE "OH, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU'D

  • LEFT."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, MORE FALLOUT FROM THE

  • BIG USC COLLEGE ADMISSIONS SCANDAL.

  • AN HEIRESS FROM THE FAMILY THAT INVENTED THE MICROWAVABLE SNACK

  • HOT POCKETS, WAS SENTENCED TODAY FOR BRIBING HER DAUGHTERS' WAY

  • INTO COLLEGE.

  • HER FAMILY CREATED HOT POCKETS AND NOW SHE MIGHT GO TO PRISON.

  • SO AT LEAST THE FOOD WILL BE AN UPGRADE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SHE'S THE HEIRESS TO THE HOT

  • POCKETS FORTUNE.

  • WHICH IS A STRANGE PHRASE.

  • AS A GENERAL RULE, THE WORD "HEIRESS" SHOULD NEVER BE USED

  • IN CONNECTION WITH SOMETHING THAT COMES IN A FLAVOR CALLED

  • "BARBECUE RECIPE BEEF."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, THE WOMAN WAS SENTENCED

  • TO FIVE MONTHS IN JAIL, WHICH WAS DISAPPOINTING, BECAUSE SHE

  • ORIGINALLY ENTERED A PLEA OF-- ♪ NOT GUILTY

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • AND FINALLY, THERE'S A NEW HEALTH STUDY WE WANTED TO TELL

  • YOU ABOUT.

  • ACCORDING TO RESEARCHERS AT HARVARD UNIVERSITY, MEN WHO

  • EAT JUNK FOOD ARE MORE LIKELY TO HAVE LOW SPERM COUNT.

  • >> WHOO!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: THAT'S --

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THE STRANGEST RESPONSE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHO DID THAT?

  • WHO WAS IT?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T WORK OUT -- ARE YOU

  • SAYING -- >> I DON'T WANT ANY KIDS!

  • >> James: YOU DON'T WANT ANY KIDS!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> James: THAT IS RIDICULOUS, MAN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> WHOO!

  • >> James: MEN WHO EAT JUNK FOOD ARE MORE LIKELY TO HAVE LOW

  • SPERM COUNTS.

  • HAVEN'T THE PEOPLE AT HOT POCKETS DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE

  • ALREADY?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IN LIGHT OF THIS NEW REPORT,

  • SOME COMPANIES HAVE EVEN BEEN FORCED TO RENAME PRODUCTS THAT

  • COULD LOWER SPERM COUNT.

  • I SAW THIS CANDY BAR ON THE SHELF TODAY.

  • "NO BABY RUTH."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MEN WHO EAT FAST FOOD EXPERIENCE

  • A DROP IN FERTILITY.

  • AND YET, SOMEHOW, THIS GUY HAS FIVE CHILDREN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) REGGIE, ARE YOU READY?

LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.

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