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  • - [Narrator] Desus, Mero, you guys are about

  • to take a lie detector test.

  • - Lit.

  • - [Narrator] We're happy to have you guys here today.

  • - Happy to be here.

  • - [Narrator] One of you will be hooked up to the machine,

  • and the other one we'll interview, and then we'll switch.

  • You guys nervous?

  • - Not really.

  • - This doesn't lead to jail time, right?

  • - This is not like, court.

  • This is not like legally binding, right?

  • [clicking]

  • - [Lie Detector Techician] Lift your chains up.

  • [dramatic clang]

  • - Ready to be exposed?

  • - Expose me!

  • [dramatic clang]

  • - Is your name Joel Martinez?

  • - Yes, it is.

  • - And do you go by The Kid Mero?

  • - Yes.

  • - Is this a photo of you?

  • - Yes, that is.

  • - And could you please explain what designer you're wearing?

  • - Versace.

  • - Just wanted to throw that out there for the drip.

  • You're doing pretty good so far.

  • [laughing]

  • - They're hard questions, it's hard-hitting questions.

  • - Jon-Benet Ramsey.

  • [laughing]

  • - I almost had you.

  • Are you from the Bronx?

  • - Yes.

  • - Do you think you are the most successful

  • person to come out of the Bronx?

  • - Absolutely, I am very self-confident.

  • [laughing]

  • - Are you more successful than her?

  • - Uhhh, I mean, currently, no,

  • but I would say maybe like in the future,

  • you know what I'm saying?

  • You can't come out and be like,

  • Yeah, no. I'm gonna suck, my career's gonna suck.

  • Like, I'm never gonna ascend to that level.

  • - Are you trying to convince me or yourself?

  • - Everybody in the room, actually.

  • Like my man right here with the crew neck,

  • like, I'm trying to convince him.

  • - He don't talk to anyone other

  • than me and lie detector guy.

  • - Okay.

  • - Thank you.

  • What about this guy?

  • Excuse me, that's totally a ethics violation.

  • [laughing]

  • - We're in cahoots!

  • [laughs]

  • - What about this guy, are you more successful than...

  • Also from the Bronx.

  • - Than Daddy Warbucks, like?

  • - Do you know that man's name?

  • - That is...

  • - It's Fred Trump.

  • - That's Fred Trump?

  • - [Desus] Yes.

  • - Wow!

  • - You didn't know he was a Bronx guy?

  • - Wow!

  • - You live in New Jersey now.

  • Is this true or false?

  • - That is true.

  • - Do you think you're better than me

  • because you moved to the suburbs?

  • [laughs]

  • - Do I think I'm better than you

  • because I moved to the suburbs?

  • - [Desus] Yes

  • - Uh, no?

  • Like, I don't know.

  • - Hmm. Check it out later.

  • - Do you think you're better than me

  • because you have a sprinkler system?

  • - Yes, absolutely.

  • - That's pretty fair.

  • Are you high right now?

  • - Yes.

  • - What are you high on?

  • - Uh, edibles from last night.

  • - Am I high right now?

  • - I feel like you are.

  • - You know it.

  • - [Mero] Yeah.

  • - Do you think you could out-smoke me?

  • - Probably, yeah. - Probably, yeah, probably.

  • Do you think you could out-drink me?

  • - No. - Absolutely not.

  • - No way. - No.

  • - Have we ever done anything illegal together?

  • [laughs]

  • - Oh, come on, let it go.

  • Is the sky blue, is water wet?

  • - Have we ever been naked together in the same room?

  • - Possibly?

  • - Yeah, we have.

  • - Yeah, yeah.

  • - All right, you can't hang if you don't see the wang.

  • [laughing]

  • Do you consider yourself a Yankees fan?

  • - Absolutely, 27 rings, bro.

  • - Is the new Yankees' stadium better than the old one?

  • - Absolutely not.

  • - What level of confidence would

  • you say that Babe Ruth is Dominican?

  • - I with no uncertainty say that Babe Ruth is Dominican.

  • - One hundred percent?

  • - One thousand percent.

  • - [Desus] Okay. To your best knowledge,

  • are there any other people in history who are

  • secretly Dominican?

  • - Abraham Lincoln.

  • - Explain.

  • - Well he had, like, the weird beard.

  • For the time, you know what I'm saying?

  • His beard, his facial hair was just, like

  • - Inappropriate?

  • - Yeah, they're like, yo, that's kind of wild,

  • it was experimental facial hair.

  • Which Dominicans are known to do.

  • You know what I'm saying?

  • - What about the Knicks, are you a fan?

  • - I'm a reluctant fan of the Knicks.

  • - For how long will you be a Knick fan?

  • - Forever. Until I die, which is sad, but I, yeah,

  • like I'm never giving up.

  • ♪ Never gonna give you up ♪

  • - Okay, have you ever rooted for another team in basketball

  • other than the Knicks?

  • - No.

  • - Not even for gambling purposes?

  • - Oh yeah, for gambling purposes, yeah for sure.

  • Yeah, but not for like "yo, I want you to win,

  • like I want you to yeah", no.

  • It's usually the opposite, like I want you to tear your ACL.

  • - Wow.

  • [laughing] [crosstalk]

  • - [Desus] You know what it is. No snitches.

  • - Yeah, man.

  • - Are you a better roaster than me?

  • - Um,

  • I feel like it depends on the medium.

  • - If we went roast for roast, do you think you'd win?

  • - Probably not now. I'm a dad, I have four kids.

  • My mean streak has like, declined a lot.

  • - That's fair. Let's find out. Roast this person.

  • - Oh, man. Look at Charlamagne, bro.

  • With the Capital One step and repeat.

  • Charlamagne looks like a fucking

  • hip-hop lumberjack right now.

  • This is wild, he looks like a ninja turtle that's a logger

  • in Canada.

  • - Okay. El presidente.

  • - Oh, man. Trumpito. Look at him.

  • Look at the difference in the hue of his face and his hands.

  • It's like he has bionic hands.

  • And that tie is longer than a fucking CVS receipt.

  • And his pants are mad wrinkled! You're the president, bro!

  • You can't steam your trousers? Fuck.

  • - Alright, I don't want you to be confused,

  • this is not a picture of you.

  • - [laughs] This is DJ Envy aka the Bisquick Bandit.

  • - His face, he knows you're about to roast him.

  • - Yeah, I don't know why you would get a goatee to like,

  • highlight your second chin. You know what I'm saying?

  • Like, I have a, I'm fat, like you know what I'm saying?

  • So I let my beard grow til like here,

  • to disguise the double chin.

  • He's just like, nah, fuck that,

  • I want you to see my Red Lobster biscuit chin

  • under my goatee.

  • Is that a Pandora bracelet?

  • Bro, my man's wearing a Pandora bracelet with mad charms

  • and like a little soccer ball and shit, like. [laughs]

  • - Oh wow.

  • Definitely need to see that at the radio station.

  • - Hip-hop rich dad.

  • You know you just restarted a feud, right?

  • - I'm sorry that you look like a bruised banana.

  • [laughs]

  • - The cast of Green Book.

  • - [laughs] Oh my god.

  • Yeah, this is like a perfect representation of the movie

  • because it's like, all the black people are over here,

  • trying to get outta the picture.

  • They were trying to do this to the picture. Ya know?

  • - Last, but not least, Michael B. Jordan.

  • - [laughs] Michael B. Jordan! Michael B. Jordan.

  • Handsome guy. - Thank you.

  • - Gotta work on the smile a little bit.

  • It's a little kindergarten-y, it's a little like

  • you have to smile now.

  • You know what I mean?

  • Just think of something,

  • the funniest thing you ever thought in your life,

  • before people tell you to smile

  • and then you'll get like a genuine laugh,

  • so it doesn't look like you're [laughs]

  • trying to hold in a shart. [laughs]

  • - Yes. Okay, let's talk more about the gift of smiling.

  • Let's look at the smile you're doing in this photo.

  • Please describe that to the court.

  • - [laughs] This is the our show just premiered

  • and I smoked way too much weed before the premiere.

  • [laughs] So I can barely keep my eyes open

  • and I'm trying to cover my Newport stained teeth

  • with my tongue.

  • - [Desus] Okay.

  • [laughs]

  • Alright, now we're getting to the gristle.

  • Ready? - [Mero] Okay!

  • - Is it true you have four kids?

  • - Yes.

  • - Which one is your favorite?

  • - I can't say I have a favorite, I mean like now

  • - Sir, sir the needles are dancing the Macarena. C'mon.

  • [laughs]

  • We need some answers here, we all know the answer,

  • just say it.

  • - I mean... - [Desus] Just say the answer.

  • - Well, I mean my daughter 'cause she's the only one.

  • There's only one.

  • I mean, I also have a soft spot for Mero Jr.

  • 'cause he's my first, ya know?

  • - And the other two are just wacked?

  • - [Mero] My first child, he's the masculine child

  • and then I have a soft spot for Mero III

  • 'cause he has a cute little speech impediment,

  • ya know what I mean?

  • And then Mero IV, is like the athlete, ya know what I mean?

  • Like he's in the 95th percentile for height and weight,

  • like and I'm just like a super proud dad when I tell people.

  • - So what I'm hearing is you definitely have

  • a favorite child?

  • - Yeah, I mean I think it'll change.

  • - [Desus] Okay, next question.

  • Will you ever stop making babies?

  • - Yeah, for sure, definitely, absolutely. 100%.

  • - Are you 100% sure you're done?

  • - I'm 1000% sure I'm done, I'm not having no more kids.

  • - Are you getting a vasectomy?

  • - I guess?

  • - Do vasectomies make you nervous?

  • - It depends,

  • like if it's not as invasive as my wife says it is,

  • then yes.

  • If not, then, we're gonna have to talk about it.

  • - Have you not researched this at all?

  • - Like I haven't,

  • I'm gonna be honest I have not researched vasectomies,

  • - So you're probably not getting one.

  • - I thought they just cut like a hole under your penis

  • and like snip something and like burn the ends,

  • like, it just is very... - The put crazy glue like on..

  • - Yeah, it's very frightening.

  • I don't want it like, where does that go?

  • - Is it true you almost became a science teacher?

  • - Yes.

  • - Alright, we're gonna see what your

  • science fact game is like.

  • - Let's talk about it.

  • - Can you name the three types of rocks?

  • - Igneous, metamorphic, and shit what's the third one?

  • - Sedimentary.

  • - Sedimentary, yes.

  • - We'd like the courtroom to be quiet

  • when people are testifying.

  • [laughs]

  • - Do you know the difference between fission and fusion?

  • - Yes.

  • Fission is the...

  • Fusion is the combination of atoms

  • and fission is the dissolution of them.

  • I was right? Oh shit, I'm on fire!

  • - Alright,

  • you spent some time working in a middle school, correct?

  • - Yes.

  • - Do you think you were a good role model to those student?

  • - Absolutely. 100%.

  • - I've never seen the needles do the Milly Rock before.

  • [laughs]

  • - At any point during this interview,

  • did you lie and we didn't catch you?

  • - Possibly, I mean, I don't know. I've lied to judges, so.

  • - Okay, lift your arms.

  • Have you ever taken a polygraph before?

  • - Yep.

  • - Okay. I don't wanna know what happened.

  • [dramatic clang]

  • - Is your name Daniel Baker?

  • - Yes it is.

  • - But you changed it to Desus?

  • - Didn't necessarily change it; it's a stage name.

  • - Okay. That sounds a lot like Jesus, was that intentional?

  • - Probably, yeah.

  • - Are you ready to take this lie detector test?

  • - I mean I'm strapped to a lie detector

  • so I'm gonna have to say affirmative.

  • - [Mero] Yes. You have a degree in literature,

  • is that correct?

  • - Yes it is.

  • - Would you say you are well read?

  • - I've been reading books and shit.

  • - [Mero] Okay. If you had to write a biography about me,

  • what would be the title?

  • - Give Me Five Minutes, I'm Taking a Shit.

  • - [laughs] That's pretty good, that's pretty good.

  • That's pretty accurate.

  • We went by many aliases on the Bodega Boys,

  • is it true that one of them was

  • don't talk to me in the UberPool I don't know you?

  • - That's not an alias, that is a life philosophy.

  • - Do you still take UberPools?

  • - Absolutely not. I am Uber Diamond status now.

  • I will not get in an UberPool. - Put that diamond up.

  • - Put that diamond up. Let them know.

  • [laughs]

  • - Also, UberPool generally it's just like,

  • for that little bit of extra money,

  • then you just ride by yourself.

  • People get an Uber and they're eating fish, like...

  • - 75 cents worth? Like, it's not worth me sitting

  • and you're eating a plate of whiting.

  • - Or like, there's Ubers just waiting there for people.

  • C'mon man, have some self respect.

  • - Have you ever ridden in an UberPool?

  • - I have ridden in an UberPool. Once.

  • - Okay.

  • - Just once and that one experience.

  • - Was enough to deter you forever.

  • - Never again.

  • - During that one UberPool ride,

  • did you ever hit on an UberPool passenger

  • that was traveling with you?

  • - No. Think about it, if you're in an UberPool

  • and another person is in the UberPool,

  • it's just like, yo we're both broke.

  • What are we going to get together and do?

  • We can't go dating, we have no money.

  • - And be broke, yeah.

  • What are we going to UberPool to like nowhere?

  • - To go share one drink?

  • [laughs]

  • - Let's UberPool back home?

  • And you walk from my house to your house?

  • - Also, I don't think you should date people,

  • you shouldn't hit on people in an Uber

  • 'cause you literally just saw where they came out

  • the house they live in

  • and that could get very creepy very fast.

  • [laughs]

  • Oh, you're ghosting me?

  • - What is the weirdest place you've ever hit on someone?

  • - Oh, there was a, Tenjune, the club?

  • There was like a celebration for women voters

  • and Geraldine Ferraro was there

  • and I tried to hit on the girl from Scandal,

  • what's her name? - Kerry Washington?

  • - Yeah. - Oh!

  • - And she dumped me so hard, bro.

  • [laughs]

  • It's like embarrassing.

  • - Well look at him now. I bet you regret that now.

  • - Probably not, she's got like a football player husband.

  • - Yeah, yeah.

  • - I appreciate that.

  • - Do you ever get nervous that what we say

  • might get taken out of context?

  • - Yeah, yeah.

  • - Should comedians ever police what they say?

  • - Yeah, if you wanna continue getting paychecks

  • and being in movies and stuff, but if not, ya know,

  • just say whatever you wanna say. Home Depot's always hiring.

  • - Do you think that our catchphrase "facts don't matter"

  • influenced the rise of fake news culture? Damn!

  • - Wow!

  • - What an indictment on the brand!

  • - I love how all the questions were light an whimsical,

  • and then they're just like "you're responsible for Trump."

  • [laughs]

  • Perhaps. I do think us saying fake news and,

  • actually no.

  • Facts didn't matter before we started the podcast.

  • So how you bring that on us?

  • Also, the fact that you would say that Trump is in power

  • because of two brown people's podcast is a little racist.

  • Sorry I just had to throw that out there.

  • - All we did was point out the truth. Speak truth to power.

  • - They hate it when we speak the truth.

  • - That's right, brother. That's what I'm saying.

  • - Or something like that

  • depending on what those needles are saying.

  • - Alright, you're ordering a bacon egg sandwich at a bodega,

  • do you get cheese on it?

  • - I'm wildly lactose intolerant,

  • so the answer is of course I'm getting cheese on the bodega,

  • right. 'Cause you got to, man.

  • - That's what I'm talking about.

  • - You only live but so long,

  • but you wanna have flavorful breakfasts.

  • Ya know what I mean?

  • - [Mero] That's right.

  • Would you say that you are more attractive than this man?

  • - [Desus] Yes.

  • - I like that confidence.

  • - Oh I got the confidence.

  • Oh, hell yeah. DJ Khaled? Yeah.

  • - What about me? Am I more attractive than that guy?

  • - Yeah.

  • - Thank you. Am I more attractive than this guy?

  • - So awkward again.

  • You asked if you're more attractive than this person

  • and then you hand me a picture of myself. This...

  • - I mean, look, like he's a stud.

  • - He's a young stud. I'll quote Mike Francesa about him

  • young stud, ya know, good head on his shoulders.

  • - But he does have cheek pouches

  • like a squirrel, ya know what I'm saying?

  • - A sexy squirrel.

  • - He is a very sexy squirrel. That's true.

  • - I think you're more, you're easier on the eyes.

  • - My confidence is through the roof right now.

  • - There you go, that's what friends do.

  • - Yes.

  • - Go best friend, go best friend.

  • - Are either of us more attractive than this guy?

  • - I would say together we're more attractive than this guy,

  • but his head is so big, love you Chris.

  • - Yeah, yeah. We have to combine powers.

  • - Have to know that though Chris Hayes would get all the

  • chicks in grade school which is quite disturbing.

  • - He's got mad valentines on Valentine's Day.

  • - Yeah, I choo choo choose you.

  • - Okay, are we funnier than him?

  • - Yes. It's the homie Hannibal. Yes.

  • [laughs]

  • - Should I tell Hannibal?

  • - I mean, I'm not gonna come up here and be like

  • I'm not funny.

  • - Exactly! That's what I'm saying.

  • - I subscribe to the Michael Jordan rules of compliments.

  • - Yes!

  • - I am the greatest person ever and I will just admit it

  • - Yes! Yes, that's how you have to think.

  • - Like if I had known I woulda got a hoop earring

  • and big cigar and been up here like

  • fuck those other comedians. Double down on black.

  • - [laughs] Alright, right now, - Right now.

  • - 2019, - 2019.

  • - How strong is the brand?

  • - The brand is so strong, it's going to have to testify

  • in front of congress about steroid use.

  • - Is it stronger than the Kardashians?

  • - Are we stronger than the Kardashians?

  • Yes, because we are able to create new seasons of content

  • without having to sacrifice black men.

  • I'm looking at you Tristan Thompson.

  • - Is it stronger than Vanity Fair?

  • - I wouldn't put our brand up against an established brand

  • that's been around for so long

  • and brought so much enjoyment to countless of millions.

  • - [Mero] That's true. That's true, that's very true.

  • That's what we aspire to.

  • - That's what we aspire to

  • and one day we hope to be Vanity Fair.

  • - Will our brand ever be stronger than her brand?

  • - Oh, shit. I think, if you think about it,

  • she's kind of part of our brand.

  • She's part of the Bodega Boys universe.

  • So we're gonna take some, ya know,

  • I think we're all together on that so...

  • - She's in Bodega Boys Endgame, coming out in April.

  • - Exactly.

  • - Would you say we're the,

  • I already know the answer to this,

  • would you say we are the best late night show in the game?

  • - See it's hard 'cause we know the other people

  • and we're friends with them, ya know?

  • It's like, we have kind of like a playful rivalry with them,

  • you don't want to say anything as to hurt them...

  • Fuck them, we [clang on table] on late night,

  • you know what it is. [clang on table]

  • - That's right. That's what I'm talking about.

  • Last question.

  • At any point during this interview,

  • did you lie and we did not catch you?

  • - I'm gonna be honest with you,

  • my general first answers are generally lies

  • so I'm gonna say yeah.

  • Like that first one about Daniel Baker,

  • that's not my real name.

  • - I respect it. Picante, how's he doing over there?

  • - He was completely deceptive.

  • - I told my exes like I knew it, I knew it.

  • - I told ya'll, I told ya'll.

  • [laughing]

  • - That's not my baby!

  • [laughing]

  • Can you get one of these on Amazon?

  • To casually just attach it to people?

  • So you watch the show last night?

  • How'd you feel about it?

  • - What was your favorite segment?

  • - Did you like Mero's outfits?

  • [laughing]

  • - Were our beards to dark?

  • [dramatic clang]

- [Narrator] Desus, Mero, you guys are about

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