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  • Thank you so much.

  • As you can see, Ellen is not here today--

  • again.

  • She's spending Valentine's Day with the love of her life,

  • her beautiful Porsche.

  • She loves that car.

  • Also, her beautiful wife Portia as well.

  • But you're in good hands because this is actually my second time

  • guest hosting this show.

  • And I've been here this season almost as much

  • as Ellen DeGeneres.

  • You know, last time I was here I was promoting my Christmas

  • album, A Legendary Christmas.

  • And--

  • [CHEERING]

  • I was kind of hoping it would be the next huge Christmas album.

  • But then in November, Mariah Carey,

  • she posted this on Instagram to let everyone know that she's

  • still the queen of Christmas.

  • [YAWN]

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

  • Santa!

  • Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.

  • It's time.

  • Whoo!

  • [MUSIC - MARIAH CAREY, "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU"]

  • (SINGING) I don't want a lot for Christmas.

  • You know what?

  • Mariah's right.

  • She's the queen of Christmas.

  • It's true.

  • But you know what?

  • There are plenty of other holidays on the calendar.

  • So I decided I would like to be the king of Arbor Day.

  • Arbor Day, yes.

  • Only issue is it turns out I don't have

  • a lot of songs about trees.

  • I mean, I have one called "Get Lifted,"

  • but I don't really have a lot of songs about trees.

  • I do have a lot of love songs, though.

  • Yeah!

  • So I decided to make a video to position myself to be

  • the king of Valentine's Day.

  • [CHEERING]

  • [YAWN]

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

  • Cupid.

  • Hello, John.

  • It's time!

  • Whoo!

  • [MUSIC - JOHN LEGEND, "CONVERSATIONS IN THE DARK"]

  • (SINGING) I will never try to change you, change you.

  • I will always want the same you, same you.

  • Swear on everything I pray to.

  • Yes!

  • That's the David Guetta remix of my new song

  • "Conversations in the Dark."

  • And it turns out that my claim to be king of Valentine's Day,

  • it actually worked out, because I just saw this headline.

  • Apparently, my song "All of Me" is the number one song

  • for lovers on Spotify.

  • That means a whole lot of people have made love with me

  • in the room.

  • When people are looking for love, they turn to me.

  • So I thought I should help someone in the audience

  • be a little more sexy for this Valentine's Day.

  • What do you guys think?

  • Yeah!

  • How about you, sir?

  • Come here.

  • You right there in the beard.

  • Yes.

  • Welcome!

  • How you doing?

  • Hello!

  • All right.

  • What's your name?

  • Matt Bond.

  • Seriously?

  • That's your name?

  • Seriously.

  • Well, it's already pretty sexy.

  • I feel like if you introduced yourself as, you know,

  • Bond, Matt Bond--

  • Bond, Matt Bond.

  • Yeah!

  • There you are, way sexier!

  • Now, are you married?

  • I am.

  • Do you have kids?

  • I do.

  • How many kids?

  • Four.

  • Whoa!

  • You might not need any help being sexier.

  • Perhaps you're a little too sexy, Matt Bond.

  • Now are you rich or famous?

  • No.

  • OK, this is going to be a little harder, then.

  • But I do have some tips to help you out.

  • First, they say clothes make the man.

  • True, right?

  • Could be.

  • Nothing looks better than a sharp jacket.

  • So I got you this jacket.

  • Oh, here we go.

  • Oh, wow.

  • Yeah.

  • Yes.

  • This is what we call a smoking jacket.

  • And it makes you look smoking hot, Matt Bond.

  • How about Hugh Hefner?

  • Yes, yes, yes.

  • And of course, you should also serenade your wife.

  • I do that to my wife.

  • You could sing my number one song for lovers, "All of Me,"

  • of course.

  • Or you could sing my new song, "Conversations in the Dark."

  • Let's hear you sing something sexy.

  • Oh, man.

  • Uh-- blank.

  • How about, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat?"

  • I'm not sure how sexy that is.

  • Row your boat?

  • OK, that's enough singing from you.

  • Actually, you could just get her my album and that'll help.

  • I'll be there in the room when you guys are making baby number

  • five.

  • And I don't know if you heard, but I'm going on tour.

  • Oh.

  • I'm going on tour, guys.

  • All right!

  • Woo-hoo!

  • It's called The Bigger Love Tour.

  • The tickets are on sale today.

  • It's the perfect Valentine's Day gift.

  • And I want to invite you and your wife, Matt,

  • to come see us in concert.

  • Look at that.

  • Thank you.

  • Thank you.

  • And we're going to have a great time.

  • We'll see you then.

  • And next, I think it's time to set the mood, you know?

  • You've got the music.

  • But you also need some wine.

  • What are your thoughts?

  • Wine is good.

  • It is.

  • So I recommend--

  • A sweet wine, please.

  • A sweet wine?

  • OK.

  • I recommend my wine, LVE Wine.

  • OK.

  • OK.

  • Now, this is the sexiest wine on the planet, y'all.

  • What you want to do is pour two glasses

  • and then drink both of them yourself to loosen things up.

  • And then when your wife gets home, pour two more glasses--

  • one for you, one for your wife.

  • And here, we might as well pop it open.

  • [POP]

  • Whoo!

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

  • Hey!

  • You know, that happens every time you pop a LVE bottle open.

  • Music comes on.

  • The lights dim a little bit.

  • And you get in the groove?

  • Yeah, you get in the groove.

  • So you got the look.

  • You got the gifts.

  • You got the wine.

  • Now all you need are some sexy moves.

  • Oh.

  • Yeah.

  • We've got--

  • Is that good?

  • We've got a perfect dance consultant for you.

  • We're going to bring tWitch out.

  • And tWitch is going to help you dance a little bit.

  • All right, Matt.

  • Enjoy.

  • Thank you.

  • Here you go.

  • [MUSIC - OUTKAST, "THE WAY YOU MOVE"]

  • (SINGING) But I know you all wanted that 808.

  • Can you feel that B-A-S-S, bass?

  • But I know you all wanted that 808.

  • Can you feel that B-A-S-S, bass?

  • I like the way you move.

  • I like the way you move.

  • I love the way you move.

  • I love the way, I love the way, I love the way you move.

  • I love the way you move.

  • I love the way you move.

Thank you so much.

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