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  • THANKS FOR COMING, EVERYBODY.

  • WELCOME TO A NEW DECADE.

  • THIS IS OUR FIRST SHOW OF 2020.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • SO HAPPY TO BE BACK, LOVELY TO SEE YOU.

  • LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES.

  • IT'S BEEN FOUR WEEKS SINCE THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES VOTED

  • TO IMPEACH PRESIDENT TRUMP.

  • AND SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI STILL HAS NOT TAKEN THE NEXT STEP OF

  • DELIVERING THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT TO THE SENATE.

  • I MEAN I THOUGHT WE TOOK A LONG HOLIDAY BREAK.

  • THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

  • (LAUGHTER) IT HAS TAKEN FOUR WEEKS TO GET

  • THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT DELIVERED.

  • BUT IS IF THEY PAID EXTRA FOR IMPEACHMENT PRIME, THEY COULD

  • HAVE GOTTEN IT, FREE TWO-DAY SHIPPING, YOU KNOW.

  • (APPLAUSE) YOU'RE VERY SWEET, YOU ARE A HE

  • VERY SWEET.

  • EVEN YOU KNEW THAT JOKE WASN'T WORTH THAT ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

  • (LAUGHTER) THERE IS A GUY OVER THERE LIKE,

  • ARE WE DOING THIS?

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • NOW THE SENATE MAY NOT CONVICT TRUMP IN THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL

  • BUT NANCY PELOSI SAID YESTERDAY THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IN

  • THE SENATE, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BEEN QUOTE IMPEACHED FOR LIFE.

  • SO ALTHOUGH HE WON'T FACE ANY REAL CONSEQUENCES, IT AT LEAST

  • SOUNDS LIKE HE WILL, YOU KNOW?

  • IMPEACHED FOR LIFE.

  • THAT IS LIKE A PUNISHMENT, MORE LIKE A BAD TATTOO YOU GET ON

  • SPRING BREAK.

  • (LAUGHTER) I'M IMPEACHED FOR LIFE, MAN.

  • THE PRESIDENT RESPONDED TO NANCY PELL OSI'S COMMENT WITH A TWEET,

  • HE WROTE WHY SHOULD I HAVE THE SPHIG MA OF IMPEACHMENT ATTACHED

  • TO MY NAME WHEN I DID ALL CAPS NOTHING WRONG.

  • AND WE KNOW HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH BECAUSE HE WROTE IT IN ALL

  • CAPS.

  • IT SEEMS ODD THAT TRUMP'S WORRD ABOUT PEOPLE ASSOCIATING

  • THE STIGMA OF IMPEACHMENT WITH HIS NAME WHEN PEOPLE ALREADY

  • ASSOCIATE THE STIGMA OF THREE MARRIAGES, SIX BANKRUPTCIES AND

  • THESE TWO WITH HIS NAME.

  • THE PRESIDENT-- (APPLAUSE)

  • THE PRESIDENT HAS SINCE DELETED THAT TWEET BECAUSE IT HAD A

  • TYPO.

  • HE REFERRED TO HOUSE REPUBLICANS AS, TAKE A LOOK, HOSE

  • REPUBLICANS.

  • (LAUGHTER) IN RESPONSE THE WHITE HOSE HAD

  • NO COMMENT.

  • THIS FLIES IN THE FACE OF TRUMP'S LONG-STANDING POLICY,

  • BROS REPUBLICANS BEFORE HOSE REPUBLICANS.

  • (LAUGHTER) MOVING ON, ACCORDING TO I ANEW

  • RESEARCH STUDY, 88% OF AMERICANS FEEL A SENSE OF DESCRED AS THE

  • WEEKEND WINDS DOWN AND THEY THINK ABOUT GOING TO WORK ON

  • MONDAY.

  • THIS STUDY CALLED THIS FEELING THE SUNDAY SCARIES.

  • YES.

  • DID WE NEED THIS STUDY?

  • (LAUGHTER) DID ANYBODY ASK FOR THIS?

  • IMAGINE BEI THE RESEARCHER WHO WENT T SCHOOL FOR SEVEN YEARS

  • AND YOUR LIFE'S WORK IS TO PROVE THAT PEOPLE PREFER DRINKING BEER

  • AND WATCHING FOOTBALL OVER GOING TO WORK ON MONDAY.

  • 88% OF AMERICANS FEEL DREAD ABOUT STARTING WORK ON SUNDAY

  • AFTERNOON.

  • WELL, 88% OF AMERICANS AND ONE ENGLISH TALK SHOW HOST.

  • AND FINALLY, DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS STORY, A 130 YEAR OLD GIANT

  • TORTOISE WAS RETURNED TO THE WILD AFTER PARTICIPATING IN A

  • BREEDING PROGRAM WHERE HE HAD SO MUCH SEX HE SINGLE HANDEDLY

  • SAVED HIS SPECIES.

  • (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • HIS NAME IS DIE.

  • HERE HE IS HERE, LOOK AT HIM.

  • DIEGO, IN 30 YEARSES DIEGO SLEPT WITH 800 TORTOISES.

  • IS THAT INCREDIBLE?

  • I'M 40, I'VE ONLY SLEPT WITH SIX TORTOISES.

  • THEY BROUGHT HIM INTO INN TO MATE WITH THE OTHER TORTOISE,

  • THIS IS THE ONLY JOB WHERE YOU DON'T GET THE SUNDAY SCARIES AT

  • THE END OF THE WEEKEND.

  • WHAT AM I DOING TOMORROW, LET'S SEE WHAT I HAVE GOT.

  • YES!

THANKS FOR COMING, EVERYBODY.

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