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  • - Hello there Vanity Fair, I'm Madea.

  • Now don't go pretending you don't know me

  • or you ain't heard of me.

  • You know who the hell I am.

  • This is the Madea universe, and I'm gonna get you caught up.

  • Okay? Check it out.

  • Now you might have met me

  • around back when my granddaughter Helen was splitting

  • from my husband Charles.

  • He was bad news dragging her

  • out of the house by the hair, replacing her

  • with some whore that he already had two children with.

  • After he threw her out, she makes her way over

  • to my house, and when I heard what Helen's husband did,

  • well, we might have just gone back to his house,

  • allegedly, ripped up the whore's clothes, allegedly,

  • took a chain saw to cut up all the furniture,

  • allegedly, okay?

  • That wasn't the first time

  • I got an ankle brace, and it won't be the last time,

  • but I'm working on it.

  • On the other side of town,

  • Helen has started dating a fine man.

  • His name is Orlando and eventually he gets up the nerve

  • to propose to her one day.

  • Girl, I listen to him,

  • but the moment that Helen sees the news

  • that Charles had got shot up in court

  • by a man who was defending, well,

  • - I have to go.

  • - Her momma Myrtle tells, "Baby, you got to forgive"

  • and Charles started having his own change of heart,

  • and he apologized for treating me like trash for so long,

  • so Helen literally helped him get back on his feet,

  • but later on Helen tells Charles that she's in love

  • with somebody else, so they got divorced.

  • They signed the papers, and then she run out the door

  • where Orlando is working, and she tell him,

  • "I love you please take me."

  • And the boy asked her to marry.

  • She jumped in his arms. It's so beautiful.

  • You all just got to see it you just gotta see it.

  • On the other side of town my niece Lisa,

  • she getting ready to get married to this man Carlos,

  • a man who looks good on the outside,

  • but is just a nasty son of a bitch on the inside.

  • He likes to hit on women and Lisa most of all,

  • and when her sister Vanessa brings her over to my house,

  • and tells me what's been going on, I tell her straight up

  • I know how to deal with a man who hits on a woman,

  • so I cook a big old pot of grits then I throw those grits

  • right in his face!

  • And as you throw it, you swat Ppsht.

  • Throw it and swat, you hear me?

  • Throw it and swat.

  • Come to find out the girl's momma Victoria

  • has been working with Carlos to drain my niece's trust fund,

  • and she doesn't really care that he beats on her daughter,

  • now, Vanessa's got a bus driver named Frankie,

  • he's so fine, who is sweet on her,

  • and the two of them start dating.

  • The day Lisa wedding come around,

  • Lisa is in my kitchen,

  • and with Carlos come knocking, my niece took all

  • of my advice about giving that men them grits

  • and then this is what she did.

  • - [Man] Ohhh. Ahhh. - Is everything all right?

  • - It's fine and I know that scream from anywhere.

  • Come on, let's go to church. Praise the lord.

  • God is good.

  • When did she get over there to the church,

  • and she tell the family there's not gonna be a wedding.

  • Frankie stands up and proposes that day to Vanessa,

  • and they take advantage of that day and all that money

  • they spent on that wedding and it was just beautiful.

  • It was a beautiful wedding.

  • Out in Chicago, my niece Brenda who didn't know yet

  • that she was my niece was living paycheck to paycheck

  • with her three children in the projects

  • when she got a letter saying that her daddy died,

  • and there was four bus tickets for her to come to Georgia

  • to attend the funeral, but just before they leave,

  • a recruiter named Harry come to her door looking

  • for her son Michael who is a high school basketball star,

  • and he wants to talk about Michael playing pro,

  • but Brenda doesn't have time for that,

  • and she gives him all the cold brush off.

  • So she and the kids head on down to Georgia,

  • and they met up at the bus station with Leroy Brown,

  • my baby daddy and my daughter Cora, well sorta my daughter,

  • but I'll explain that later, so Brenda and the kids meet

  • all of their newfound kin

  • and guess who lives in the same town?

  • Harry that fine recruiter, and he's got a thing for Brenda,

  • and they start getting friendly,

  • so the family just come together round them,

  • and then in front of the reading of the will,

  • and it turned out that Brenda's daddy left her a house.

  • The house looked like its falling apart,

  • but she and the kids need to get back to the big city

  • where they from.

  • Once they get home, Michael starts thinking

  • he really needs to provide for his family,

  • so he hits up a friend and starts selling them on the block,

  • you know what that mean, but things go south real fast,

  • and he ends up getting shot in the back.

  • Yes he did drama in this movie baby.

  • While he's healing, Brenda decides to move down to Georgia,

  • and when they get there, the run down shack

  • that her daddy left her had been replaced

  • by a gorgeous new house.

  • Harry put up most of the money,

  • who also signs on to be Michael's manager,

  • so Brenda gets real suspicious that Harry is only after her

  • because of Michael's potential to make him a lot of money.

  • They get into a fight, but when Michael signs his pro deal,

  • she finds out that Harry was only there

  • to help guide his career, and he's not making a dime.

  • Turns out he was a good man and wasn't an opportunist,

  • and Brenda got to eat a little crow and apologize to him.

  • That ain't all she did.

  • [laughs]

  • Listen, anyway,

  • they get back to talking, and they confess

  • how much they love each other, and bam!

  • We had another wedding, and all this loveliness is happening

  • while I'm on the run from the cops.

  • Turns out, the po-po didn't know how to Mirandize to me,

  • so they had to let me go.

  • Judge sent me free,

  • but not before slapping on another ankle bracelet,

  • and ordering me to attend anger management,

  • a DA named Josh, he was trying this case for solicitation,

  • he recognizes this little girl named Candice,

  • so he helped her out.

  • His fiance Linda wasn't too happy

  • that her man clearly had a history with a girl

  • who was a corner worker, you know what I mean?

  • Now on the other side of town, my daughter Cora was getting

  • her hair done, now I'm on house arrest, but I was hungry,

  • and I'm a grown woman, so I should be able to go

  • where I want to go, so I took myself to the Kmart,

  • now I'm about to pull into this parking spot,

  • and this white woman just comes speeding in my space, right?

  • And I took a fork lift and I picked her car up,

  • and dropped it off about twenty feet in the air.

  • - Old woman? Put my car down now!

  • - Okay.

  • She was lucky she wasn't in it, okay [laughs],

  • that's all I'm saying, so I ended up going to prison

  • for a long time. She and I were sitting in there

  • writing me and Candace, but I was in there long enough

  • to whoop some ass, take care of a couple of bullies,

  • and become a prison mother, and get some sweet cornrows.

  • Girl, I looked good. Right around that time,

  • Joshua discovered that his jealous fiancée has been adding

  • crimes to people's sentences

  • so that the judge would convict 'em.

  • He dumps her at the altar, and hallelujah Candace and I

  • are set free, and then Josh reveals

  • that the reason he fought so hard to get her out

  • was that he loved her. He wanted some.

  • Anyway, they fell in love, and it was the sweetest thing.

  • But back at home, my niece Shirley went to the doctor,

  • and the news wasn't good. Her cancer's back,

  • and she has less than a couple of months left on this earth.

  • She rounds up all her children to tell them the bad news

  • over a family dinner, but Shirley's family got a lot

  • of bad blood between them especially

  • between the sisters Kimberly and Tammy,

  • and her son Byron, he ain't doing too great.

  • He's just out of prison with a need to yearn a friend,