we're celebrating International Women's Day, y'all!

[ Cheers and applause ] Whoo!

Now, don't worry -- you don't have to remember

to go out and get anyone flowers.

You just have to remember to go out and fight

for equal pay for women in the workplace.

Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

I think it's by the check-out at CVS.

[ Laughter ]

Now, I know there are guys out there thinking,

[ Scoffs ] "International Women's Day?

Why don't we have an International Men's Day?"

[ Laughter ] God bless you, Twitter.

Well, you're in luck because you do.

It's actually on November 19th.

But you wouldn't know that because you're too busy

celebrating it every other day of the year.

[ Cheers and applause ] Mm-hmm.

Also, fun fact --

November 19th is also International Toilet Day.

[ Laughter ] Now, I'm not --

I'm not saying men are toilets, but both holidays

are mostly catered towards a bunch of white Johns.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I feel like not enough people

know about International Women's Day.

I remember I asked one guy if he knew what IWD, is and he said,

"Yeah, can you believe George Bush lied about them

being in Iraq?" [ Laughter ]

What is you talking about?

According to Wikipedia, International Women's Day

is only an official holiday in 26 countries,

and -- wait for it -- the U.S. is not one of them.

[ Audience "Oohs" ] That's right.

Essentially, it's the difference between how I'm treated

on this show and how I'm treated

when I try to get a drink at a bar.

[ Light laughter ] Seriously, what's up, America?

You can't give an official holiday to women,

but you can give one to a murderer named Christopher

who dressed like this?

[ Laughter and applause ] Come on!

Come on! [ Applause ]

Now, the cause I like to focus on most

for International Women's Day is education,

because there are 131 million girls

not being educated around the world.

And based on how long it takes me to calculate a tip

on a check, Canada didn't do a great job, either.

[ Laughter ]

Educating women shouldn't just be a female issue,

because it actually helps everyone.

And that's not my opinion, that is a fact.

[ Cheers ] That's right.

[ Cheers and applause ] One prominent economist

even said, "Investment in the education of girls

may be the highest return investment

available in the developing world."

And even the haters can believe it,

because that quote was said by a man.

Thank you very much. [ Applause ]

Yeah.

In fact, y'all, not teaching girls

is literally costing countries trillions of dollars.

You don't need to understand economics

to know that that's stupid. [ Laughter ]

Which is good because, again,

131 million girls aren't in school!

Wake up! Come on! [ Cheers and applause ]

We got to do something about that.

Now, another important issue to talk about is maternity leave.

Did you know -- this is true, y'all --

the U.S. is the only first world country

that doesn't have guaranteed maternity leave?

Yeah.

A woman can send a human life blasting through her vagina...

[ Laughter ]

...during 30 hours of traumatic labor,

and our government is like, "Wow.

I would've used my vacation days for golf, but you do you."

[ Laughter ] Come on! That's whack!

And, yes, I just -- I need to say this is a fact, again.

There is a wage gap between women and men in the workplace.

It is a complicated issue that's tied up in

what jobs women can get, bias against working mothers,

and straight up just pay discrimination.

It's also inseparable from even more severe

racial and disability pay gaps.

But to fight it, it's important to share your salaries.

So I reached out to all the other female broadcast

late-night hosts... [ Laughter ]

...and there weren't any, so...

[ Laughter ]

Perhaps a bigger problem? [ Laughter and applause ]

That's right. Where you at?

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's lonely out here!

Now, one thing I'm proud of is that I actually employ

a lot of women on this show.

In fact, half of my writers are women!

Yes! [ Cheers and applause ]

Now, I know it sounds really impressive,

but, technically, that's only three people

because our budget is very small, but still good!

Still good! [ Laughter ]

And I'm so grateful to all the women

who fought for our right to vote.

They struggled to benefit future generations, y'all.

It's like how people went to Fyre Fest

so we wouldn't have to. [ Laughter ]

And, you know, the conversation always has to involve men.

Shout-out to the dudes who support women.

Like Terry Crews, who had the bravery

to add his story to the #MeToo movement.

[ Cheers and applause ] Round of applause.

Actor Alan Alda, who's been a feminist

since that word was used as an insult,

and, Channing Tatum, who really supported straight and bi women

with his important work in "Magic Mike."

Thank you so much. [ Cheers and applause ]

No, but for real, happy International Women's Day.

Women are smart, strong, and capable.

And tonight, my audience is filled

exclusively with those women, y'all!

[ Cheers and applause ]