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  • LET'S GET RIGHT INTO THE NEWS.

  • THE DEMOCRATS HELD ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE TONIGHT,

  • THIS TIME IN DES MOINES, IOWA.

  • IT'S A BIG DEAL BECAUSE THIS WAS THE FINAL DEBATE BEFORE IOWA

  • CHOOSES A CANDIDATE IN THEIR STATEWIDE CAUCUSES.

  • THIS IS THE BIGGEST THING TO HAPPEN IN IOWA SINCE... THE LAST

  • TIME THIS HAPPENED IN IOWA.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS THE CANDIDATES' FINAL

  • CHANCE TO APPEAL TO IOWA VOTERS, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THEY ALL

  • APPEARED ON STAGE CHEWING A SINGLE STRAND OF WHEAT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) "LOOKS LIKE THERE'S RAIN

  • A-COMIN'!" TONIGHT'S LINEUP FINALLY

  • NARROWED THE FIELD DOWN TO FIVE CANDIDATES WHO HAVE A REAL SHOT

  • OF WINNING THE NOMINATION.

  • AND ALSO, APPARENTLY A GUY CALLED TOM STEYER.

  • IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TOM STEYER IS, HERE'S A PICTURE OF HIM

  • HERE.

  • YEAH, NOW YOU RECOGNIZE HIM.

  • THAT'S NOT HIM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE JUST GOOGLED "RICH WHITE GUY"

  • AND THAT'S WHAT CAME UP.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT I THINK IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT

  • TOM STEYER'S CAMPAIGN THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

  • A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE DISAPPOINTED WITH THE

  • PARTICIPANTS IN TONIGHT'S DEBATE.

  • WHAT STARTED MONTHS AGO AS THE MOST DIVERSE PRIMARY FIELD IN

  • HISTORY HAS NOW TURNED INTO THIS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, CAUCUS IS SHORT FOR

  • CAUCASIAN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT HAPPENED?

  • THE FIELD OF CANDIDATES WENT FROM LOOKING LIKE A DIVERSE

  • REPRESENTATION OF THE COUNTRY, TO LOOKING LIKE THE FRONT ROW OF

  • A JIMMY BUFFET CONCERT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TONIGHT'S DEBATE WAS SO WHITE,

  • PEOPLE WHO TURNED ON THEIR TVS WERE LIKE, "WAIT, I THOUGHT THE

  • OSCARS WERE NEXT MONTH?" ( LAUGHTER )

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MOVING ON, WE HAD TO TELL YOU

  • ABOUT THIS STUDY.

  • ACCORDING TO THE LATEST SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH, GOING TO

  • THE MOVIES COUNTS AS A LIGHT WORKOUT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TRULY.

  • YEAH, THEY SAY SITTING THROUGH A FILM AT A MOVIE THEATRE IS

  • EQUAL TO ABOUT 40 MINUTES OF LOW-IMPACT CARDIO.

  • YOU HEAR THAT?

  • THAT'S THE SOUND OF EVERYONE IN AMERICA SAYING TO THEMSELVES,

  • "SEE?

  • I DO WORK OUT!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • I DO LOW-IMPACT CARDIO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) GOING TO THE MOVIES COUNTS AS A

  • LIGHT WORKOUT.

  • AND IT COUNTS AS A HEAVY WORKOUT IF YOU CRY AS MUCH AS I DID

  • DURING "LITTLE WOMEN."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, THIS IS WHY I ATTEND

  • EVERY MOVIE PREMIERE DRESSED LIKE THIS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) JUST GETTING SOME CARDIO, GUYS.

  • AND WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS.

  • DUNKIN' DONUTS HAS TEAMED UP WITH SNOOP DOGG TO INTRODUCE A

  • NEW BREAKFAST SANDWICH.

  • HERE IT IS HERE.

  • IT FEATURES TWO GLAZED DOUGHNUT HALVES FOR BUNS, EGG, CHEESE,

  • AND A PLANT-BASED SAUSAGE PATTY.

  • YOU KNOW, BECAUSE MEAT WOULD MAKE IT UNHEALTHY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SNOOP DOGG'S BREAKFAST SANDWICH

  • FEATURES PLANT-BASED MEAT, WHICH MAKES SENSE, CONSIDERING SNOOP'S

  • "PLANT-BASED LIFESTYLE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, HERE'S A CRAZY

  • STORY FROM MEXICO.

  • A MAN WAS HOSPITALIZED BECAUSE HE TOOK A SEX STIMULANT USED FOR

  • BREEDING BULLS, AND ENDED UP WITH A THREE-DAY ERECTION.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO, IN OTHER WORDS, THE PLAN

  • WORKED PERFECTLY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) A THREE-DAY ERECTION.

  • OR AS I CALL IT: AN ERECTION.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE MAN NEEDED MEDICAL ATTENTION

  • AFTER TAKING A SEX STIMULANT INTENDED FOR BULLS.

  • ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HE IS NOW THE PROUD FATHER OF SIX ADORABLE

  • BABY MINOTAURS!

LET'S GET RIGHT INTO THE NEWS.

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