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  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • >> WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME, HAVE YOUR SEAT, HAVE YOUR SEAT.

  • HEY, AS I ALLUDED TO IN THAT MUSICAL-- THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

  • YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAVING A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER TODAY AND ST,

  • ST I, ME, MINE.

  • MY NAME IS MR. GOLDBLUM THAT IS G-O-L-D-B-L-U-M.

  • MR. CORDEN IS AWAY DISCHARGING OTHER OBLIGATIONS BUT WE HAVE

  • SPOKEN SO I'M VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE LESSON PLAN.

  • IT IS NOT AS A FEW OF YOU KIDS TOLL ME ON THE WAY IN THAT ON

  • THURSDAYS WE DISPENSE ENTIRLY WITH BOX AND ALL OF US ORDER OUT

  • FOR PIZZA.

  • NO, NO, NO.

  • I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY.

  • MY EYES ARE PEELED FOR ANY SHENANIGANS.

  • WHAT HAPPENS AT THIS POINT IS THAT MR. CORDEN OF COURSE READS

  • OFF SOME JOLLY JOLLY JOCULARS, SOME KNEE SLAPPERS, SOME

  • WITTICISMS OF A TOPICAL NATURE.

  • SO THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO RIGHT NOW.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAIS THANK YOU.

  • HERE IS A LOCAL STORY.

  • SOMEBODY JUST PAID A RECORD 150 MILLION DOLLARS FOR A MANSION

  • HERE IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.

  • IT HAS 18 BEDROOMS, 24 BATHROOMS AND IF THEY WANT, ONE GOLDBLUM,

  • YES, I'M GOING TO COME AND-- THAT IS A BIG HOUSINGS I

  • WANT TO LIVE THERE.

  • (APPLAUSE) YEAH,

  • (LAUGHTER) HEY, BUT REALLY, $150 MILLION,

  • FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY YOU COULD LITERALLY BUILD JURASSIC PARK.

  • IN JURASSIC PARK, SCAREE IN THE DARKK I'M SO SCARED THAT I WILL

  • BE EATEN.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HEY, BY THE WAY, HERE IS ANOTHER

  • INTERESTING AND ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY.

  • ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY THE 1% OF AMERICANS DON'T TRUST

  • OTHER DRIVERS ON THE ROADS DURING THIS WINTER WEATHER.

  • WELL, SOUNDS LUKE PEOPLE SHOULD JUST STAY HOME THIS WINTER AND

  • BINGE WATCH MY NEW SHOW ON DISPLEA PLUS, THE WORLD

  • ACCORDING TO JEFF GOLDBLUM.

  • YEAH!

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • I MEAN STRICTLY FOR SAFETY PURPOSES.

  • THAT IS JUST FOR YOUR SAFETY, FOR HEAVENS SAKE BE SAFE AM BUT

  • IT IS TOUGH OUT THERE ON THE ROADS.

  • HEY, I WAS RECENTLY CUT OFF IN TRAFFIC, THIS IS TRUE, AND THIS

  • GUY WAS SO RUDE, HE WAS DISTRACTED, HE WAS A TOTAL JERK.

  • I THINK HE WAS SINGING KARAOKE, AND YOU KNOW WHO WAS IN THE

  • PASSENGER SEAT, HARRY STYLES.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW WHO

  • THAT-- OH, THAT WAS-- I'M SO SORRY, JAMES, I LOVE YOU.

  • SORRY, SORRY, IT WAS YOU.

  • HEY, I'M WARNING YOU.

  • WINTER TRAVEL IS VERY DANGEROUS.

  • IN FACT, I JUST HEARD ABOUT A GRANDMA WHO GOT RUN OVER BY A

  • REINDEER.

  • (LAUGHTER) NOW WE'RE COOKING WITH GAS.

  • GOOD.

  • I SHALL NOW RECITE ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM GEORGE

  • BERNARD SHAW, IT GOES LIKE.

  • THIS THIS SLT TRUE JOY IN LIFE, THE BEING USED FOR A PURPOSE

  • CONSIDERED BY YOURSELF AS MIGHTY.

  • AND THE BEING A FORCE OF NATURE INSTEAD OF A FEVERISH SELFISH

  • LITTLE CLOD OF AILMENTS AN GRIEVEANCES COMPLAINING THAT THE

  • WORLD WILL NOT DE VOTE ITSELF TO MAKING YOU HAPPY.

  • I AM OF THE OPINION THAT MY LIFE BELONGS TO THE WHOLE COMMUNITY

  • AND WHILE I LIVE IT IS MY PRIVILEGE TO DO FOR IT WHATEVER

  • I CAN.

  • I WANT TO BE THOROUGHLY USED UP WHEN I DIE.

  • FOR THE HARDER I WORK, THE MORE I LIVE, I REJOICE IN LIFE FOR

  • ITS OWN SAKE.

  • LIFE IS NO BRIEF CANDLE TO ME.

  • IT IS A SORT OF SPEND DID TORCH I HAVE HOLD UP FOR A MOMENT AND

  • I WANT TO MAKE IT BURN AS BRIGHTLY AS POSSIBLE BEFORE

  • HANDING IT ON TO FUTURE GENERATIONS.

  • IF YOU FOUND THAT YUN LIFTING, APPLAUSE NOW.

  • YOU DID?

  • YOU DID?

  • (APPLAUSE) IF YOU THOUGHT THAT IT WAS

  • TEDIOUS OR HUMORLESS OR LUIG YOU BE RIOS APPLAUSE LUG YOU BE

  • REE US A APPLAUSE NOW.

  • (APPLAUSE) HOW DARE YOU, HOW DARE YOU, HERE

  • IS ONE MORE ATTEMPT THEN TO BREAK THE ICE.

  • HERE IS THE PREMISE OF THIS LAST JOKE, AND IT IS A TRUE STORY.

  • FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AN AIRLINE IS OFFERING PRIORITY BOARDING TO

  • PASS SWRERS WEARING UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATERS.

  • WELL, I GUESS THAT IS FESTIVE, OF COURSE IT IS DISCRIMINATORY

  • AGAINST ALL OF US JEWS BUT STILL FESTIVE.

  • BUT I GUESS IT'S WEIRD WHEN THEY COME OVER THE INTERCOME AND SAY

  • SOMETHING LIKE NOW BOARDING GROUPS YUCK THROUGH EWW.

  • (LAUGHTER) WELL, ERNIE KOVACS WE'RE OFF TO

  • A GREAT START.

  • WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> REGGIE, ARE YOU READY?

  • >> Reggie: ABSOLUTELY.

  • >> THAT'S REGGIE WATTS.

  • I'M YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER JEFF GOLDBLUM, CLASS IS IN SESSION.

  • THIS IS THE "LATE, LATE SHOW," ROLL THE TITLES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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