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  • SATURDAY NIGHT. SAME PLACE, SAME ME.

  • SAME PLACE, SAME ME. [APPLAUSE]

  • [APPLAUSE] GREG: WE ARE IN MIAMI HOME OF

  • GREG: WE ARE IN MIAMI HOME OF SANDY BEACHES TRIPTYCH WHETHER

  • SANDY BEACHES TRIPTYCH WHETHER IN PLASTIC SURGERY.

  • IN PLASTIC SURGERY. THIS IS HOW IT LOOKED BEFORE I

  • THIS IS HOW IT LOOKED BEFORE I GOT HERE.

  • GOT HERE. WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT.

  • WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT. THANK YOU MIAMI.

  • THANK YOU MIAMI. HERE WE ARE FOR THE BIG GAME.

  • HERE WE ARE FOR THE BIG GAME. I GUESS THAT MEANS IT’S TIME FOR

  • I GUESS THAT MEANS IT’S TIME FOR YES, SO WE HAVE GONE OVER THE

  • YES, SO WE HAVE GONE OVER THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF DONALD TRUMP

  • ACCOMPLISHMENT OF DONALD TRUMP MANY TIMES ECONOMY DEAD

  • MANY TIMES ECONOMY DEAD TERRORISTS TRADE DEAL STOCK

  • TERRORISTS TRADE DEAL STOCK MARKET BUT NOW WE CAN ADD LIFE

  • MARKET BUT NOW WE CAN ADD LIFE EXPECTANCY.

  • EXPECTANCY. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR YEARS

  • FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR YEARS OF AMERICANS AVERAGE LIFESPAN

  • OF AMERICANS AVERAGE LIFESPAN INCREASED.

  • INCREASED. LIVE IS SO GREAT UNDER TRUMP

  • LIVE IS SO GREAT UNDER TRUMP PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO DIE.

  • PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO DIE. ANYWAY YOU PARTY HEARD THIS GOOD

  • ANYWAY YOU PARTY HEARD THIS GOOD IS A MILLION TIMES FOR ME AND TO

  • IS A MILLION TIMES FOR ME AND TO BE HONEST HE WAS RIGHT.

  • BE HONEST HE WAS RIGHT. >> WE ARE GOING TO WIN.

  • >> WE ARE GOING TO WIN. WE ARE GOING TO WIN.

  • WE ARE GOING TO WIN. WE ARE GOING TO WHEN I’M TRADE.

  • WE ARE GOING TO WHEN I’M TRADE. WE ARE GOING TO WIN AT THE

  • WE ARE GOING TO WIN AT THE BORDER.

  • BORDER. WE ARE GOING TO WIN SO MUCH YOU

  • WE ARE GOING TO WIN SO MUCH YOU ARE GOING TO GET SO SICK AND

  • ARE GOING TO GET SO SICK AND TIRED OF WINNING.

  • TIRED OF WINNING. >> IT’S TRUE.

  • >> IT’S TRUE. I AM KIND OF TIRED OF WINNING

  • I AM KIND OF TIRED OF WINNING BUT YOU KNOW WHO WASN’T?

  • BUT YOU KNOW WHO WASN’T? THE OAKLAND RAIDERS OF THE

  • THE OAKLAND RAIDERS OF THE 1970s.

  • 1970s. FEROCIOUS, BRUTAL, SCARY.

  • FEROCIOUS, BRUTAL, SCARY. THE GREAT MONTE JOHNSON SCARY

  • THE GREAT MONTE JOHNSON SCARY MONSTERS AND SUPER FREAKS BUT

  • MONSTERS AND SUPER FREAKS BUT THEY WERE ALSO WINNERS MAINLY

  • THEY WERE ALSO WINNERS MAINLY BECAUSE OF THEIR BOSS AL DAVIS

  • BECAUSE OF THEIR BOSS AL DAVIS CONTROVERSIAL INTIMIDATING BUDDY

  • CONTROVERSIAL INTIMIDATING BUDDY LIVES BY THREE WORDS, JUST WIN

  • LIVES BY THREE WORDS, JUST WIN BABY AND BOY DID HE.

  • BABY AND BOY DID HE. FROM 67 TO 85 P1 13 DIVISION

  • FROM 67 TO 85 P1 13 DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIPS WON AFL

  • CHAMPIONSHIPS WON AFL CHAMPIONSHIP IN THREE SUPER

  • CHAMPIONSHIP IN THREE SUPER BOWLS THAT PEOPLE PUT UP WITH

  • BOWLS THAT PEOPLE PUT UP WITH HIS REBELLIOUS STREAK BECAUSE

  • HIS REBELLIOUS STREAK BECAUSE THE ONE.

  • THE ONE. SOUND FAMILIAR?

  • SOUND FAMILIAR? TRUMP’S THE AL DAVIS THE

  • TRUMP’S THE AL DAVIS THE PRESIDENT AND HIS ADMINISTRATION

  • PRESIDENT AND HIS ADMINISTRATION ARE THE RAIDERS OF OLD AND THEIR

  • ARE THE RAIDERS OF OLD AND THEIR MANTRA JUST WIN, BABY.

  • MANTRA JUST WIN, BABY. LIKE THE RAIDERS TRUMP IS NOT

  • LIKE THE RAIDERS TRUMP IS NOT ONLY GUIDED BY HIS FAITH BUT THE

  • ONLY GUIDED BY HIS FAITH BUT THE PEOPLE WHO HATE THEM IN THE HATE

  • PEOPLE WHO HATE THEM IN THE HATE FOR TRUMP’S STRONG ESPECIALLY IN

  • FOR TRUMP’S STRONG ESPECIALLY IN THE MEDIA.

  • THE MEDIA. >> BASICALLY AFTER THIS

  • >> BASICALLY AFTER THIS BOMBSHELL FROM JOHN BOLTON, WE

  • BOMBSHELL FROM JOHN BOLTON, WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, WE DO

  • DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, WE DO WANT TO KNOW WHAT WE DO WANT YOU

  • WANT TO KNOW WHAT WE DO WANT YOU TO HEAR IT OR KNOW IT.

  • TO HEAR IT OR KNOW IT. THAT SOUNDS LIKE THEIR PRODUCE A

  • THAT SOUNDS LIKE THEIR PRODUCE A PAINTING IN A COVER-UP.

  • PAINTING IN A COVER-UP. >> IT’S ACTUALLY MAYBE WORSE

  • >> IT’S ACTUALLY MAYBE WORSE WHAT LAMAR ALEXANDER IS DOING

  • WHAT LAMAR ALEXANDER IS DOING BECAUSE HE SAYING ESSENTIALLY.

  • BECAUSE HE SAYING ESSENTIALLY. >> HE BEAT HIS WIFE, SO?

  • >> HE BEAT HIS WIFE, SO? PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD ARE

  • PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD ARE WATCHING US GOING THIS IS WHAT

  • WATCHING US GOING THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT FOR THE REST OF THE

  • YOU WANT FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD?

  • WORLD? WHAT A SAD SAD MOMENT.

  • WHAT A SAD SAD MOMENT. >> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE GOING

  • >> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HAVE A COMPLETE VIEW OF JUST

  • TO HAVE A COMPLETE VIEW OF JUST HOW UGLY THIS DRUG DEAL WAS BY

  • HOW UGLY THIS DRUG DEAL WAS BY THE TIME NOVEMBER ROLLS AROUND

  • THE TIME NOVEMBER ROLLS AROUND AND JUST HOW GUILTY THE

  • AND JUST HOW GUILTY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

  • PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WAS.

  • WAS. BRIEN: THANKS BEVIS OR IS IT BUT

  • BRIEN: THANKS BEVIS OR IS IT BUT HAD?

  • HAD? A NEVER SURE.

  • A NEVER SURE. THE HATE IS SO STRONG IT

  • THE HATE IS SO STRONG IT INCLUDES HIS SUPPORTERS.

  • INCLUDES HIS SUPPORTERS. >> DONALD TRUMP COULDN’T FIND

  • >> DONALD TRUMP COULDN’T FIND UKRAINE ON A MAP IF YOU HAD THE

  • UKRAINE ON A MAP IF YOU HAD THE LETTER U IN AND PICTURE BEEN

  • LETTER U IN AND PICTURE BEEN ACTUAL PHYSICAL CRANE NEXT TO

  • ACTUAL PHYSICAL CRANE NEXT TO HER.

  • HER. THIS IS ADMINISTRATION DEFINED

  • THIS IS ADMINISTRATION DEFINED BY IGNORANCE -- IGNORANCE OF THE

  • BY IGNORANCE -- IGNORANCE OF THE WORLD.

  • WORLD. THAT’S PARTLY HEMP HIM PLAYING

  • THAT’S PARTLY HEMP HIM PLAYING TO THEIR BASE PLAYING TO THEIR

  • TO THEIR BASE PLAYING TO THEIR AUDIENCE, THE CREDULOUS BOOMER

  • AUDIENCE, THE CREDULOUS BOOMER RUBE DEMO THAT ONCE TO THANK

  • RUBE DEMO THAT ONCE TO THANK DONALD TRUMP’S THE SMART ONE AND

  • DONALD TRUMP’S THE SMART ONE AND YOU ALL THE ELITISTS ARE DUMP.

  • YOU ALL THE ELITISTS ARE DUMP. GREG: AND I WAS A SLOT MACHINE

  • GREG: AND I WAS A SLOT MACHINE THAT WOULD COME UP THREE BAGS.

  • THAT WOULD COME UP THREE BAGS. THE REASON IS IT’S NOT TRUMP.

  • THE REASON IS IT’S NOT TRUMP. IT’S YOU, YOU DUMP RUBE FOR

  • IT’S YOU, YOU DUMP RUBE FOR SUPPORTING HIM.

  • SUPPORTING HIM. YOU HAVE HOLLYWOOD.

  • YOU HAVE HOLLYWOOD. YOU HAVE MOST ACADEMICS.

  • YOU HAVE MOST ACADEMICS. >> I HATE YOUR COUNTRY YOUR

  • >> I HATE YOUR COUNTRY YOUR PRESIDENT AND EVERYTHING ABOUT

  • PRESIDENT AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR CULTURE.

  • YOUR CULTURE. YOU ARE THE THAT COMES OUT OF

  • YOU ARE THE THAT COMES OUT OF PIGS AFTER THEY EAT THEIR OWN

  • PIGS AFTER THEY EAT THEIR OWN FILTH.

  • FILTH. YOU ARE THE SCABS ON THE KNEES

  • YOU ARE THE SCABS ON THE KNEES OF LIZARDS WHO AT THE OF OBESE

  • OF LIZARDS WHO AT THE OF OBESE AND DISEASED RATS.

  • AND DISEASED RATS. EXCEPT FOR THAT GREG GUTFELD OR

  • EXCEPT FOR THAT GREG GUTFELD OR AS WE CALLED THEM IN IRAN THE

  • AS WE CALLED THEM IN IRAN THE SULTAN OF LATE NIGHT.

  • SULTAN OF LATE NIGHT. AS MUCH FUNNIER THAN JIMMY SON

  • AS MUCH FUNNIER THAN JIMMY SON OF KIM OPENED SECOND THOUGHT

  • OF KIM OPENED SECOND THOUGHT SINCE THE UNITED STATES THROWS

  • SINCE THE UNITED STATES THROWS IN A PAIR OF TICKETS TO THROW IN

  • IN A PAIR OF TICKETS TO THROW IN THE GREG GOT HELD SHOW MAYBE WE

  • THE GREG GOT HELD SHOW MAYBE WE HAVE A DEAL.

  • HAVE A DEAL. GREG: YES.

  • GREG: YES. I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I’M

  • I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I’M STARTING TO LIKE THAT GUY.

  • STARTING TO LIKE THAT GUY. NOT SURE ABOUT THE TRANSLATION.

  • NOT SURE ABOUT THE TRANSLATION. ANYHOW YOU ALWAYS KNOW SOMEONE

  • ANYHOW YOU ALWAYS KNOW SOMEONE IS DOING A GREAT JOB BY THEIR

  • IS DOING A GREAT JOB BY THEIR EVER SERIES LEVEL.

  • EVER SERIES LEVEL. IT REFLECTS THAT FRUSTRATION.

  • IT REFLECTS THAT FRUSTRATION. LET’S JUST THROW THE GAME.

  • LET’S JUST THROW THE GAME. HERE’S MY FINAL FOOTBALL ANALOGY

  • HERE’S MY FINAL FOOTBALL ANALOGY OF IMPEACHMENT IS LIKE THE SUPER

  • OF IMPEACHMENT IS LIKE THE SUPER BOWL FOR LOSERS.

  • BOWL FOR LOSERS. YOUVE GOT TWO TEAMS.

  • YOUVE GOT TWO TEAMS. ONE WANTS TO IMPEACH HIM ONE

  • ONE WANTS TO IMPEACH HIM ONE WANTS TO ACQUIT.

  • WANTS TO ACQUIT. ARE THEY THE SAME?

  • ARE THEY THE SAME? NO.

  • NO. ONE TEAM STARTED TRAINING FOR

  • ONE TEAM STARTED TRAINING FOR THIS GAME THE DAY TRUMP GOT

  • THIS GAME THE DAY TRUMP GOT ELECTED.

  • ELECTED. THEY TRAINED TO IMPEACH.

  • THEY TRAINED TO IMPEACH. THOSE ARE THE LOSERS.

  • THOSE ARE THE LOSERS. THE OTHER SIDE WERE JUST TRYING

  • THE OTHER SIDE WERE JUST TRYING TO DO THEIR OWN JOB AND SO FAR

  • TO DO THEIR OWN JOB AND SO FAR IT’S PRETTY GOOD WHICH MAY BE

  • IT’S PRETTY GOOD WHICH MAY BE WHY DON LEMON WAS LAUGHING SO

  • WHY DON LEMON WAS LAUGHING SO HARD, TO KEEP HIMSELF FROM

  • HARD, TO KEEP HIMSELF FROM CRYING.

SATURDAY NIGHT. SAME PLACE, SAME ME.

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