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  • Diaz: Well I have plans on Saturday too, I'm having dinner with my parents.

  • Santiago: So? You don't even like your parents. You call them smiley morons and hug freaks.

  • Diaz: Plans are plans.

  • I'm a badass not an anarchist.

  • Diaz: You wanted to see me sir?

  • Holt: I understand you stopped by the patrol office's morning briefing.

  • Diaz: Yeah, officer Deetmore helped me out with my crime scene so I gave him a little thank-you present.

  • Hey Deetmore.

  • If you're gonna bag evidence like a five-year-old you should have the proper tools.

  • It's a my first police kit. The walkie talkie blows bubbles.

  • Hope you can handle it.

  • He mislabeled the weapon like an idiot and it almost got filed with the wrong case he could have blown months of work.

  • Holt: You humiliated officer Deetmore in front of his peers.

  • He submitted an official complaint against you.

  • Diaz: Did he fill it out on crayon?

  • Holt: No, but he did use a green pen, which seems crazy to me. The good news is if you go down there and apologize

  • he'll let the whole thing go.

  • Diaz: Fine, I'm great at apologizing. I'm a very sweet person.

  • Out of my way chunk.

  • Pimento.

  • What's up? Pimento: What's up with you? I need you to sign this report.

  • Diaz: Okay. I'll sign your report.

  • Jeffords: What the hell?

  • Diaz: Careful, the ink's still wet.

  • Pimento: Maybe this will help.

  • Jeffords: Okay, they got to knock that off.

  • Hitchcock: Loosen up sarge. Scully: Summer of love baby.

  • Jeffords: It's March man, shut up.

  • Carlene: I see the color blue. Linetti: She sees blue. Carlene: and yellow.

  • And I see the letter L, R, S, T, W, E, and B.

  • Santiago: So basically everyone's first eight guesses in hangman.

  • Diaz: Thank You Carlene, your entire life is garbage.

  • Holt: So, of all the candidates that you interviewed today, who do you think I should hire?

  • Jeffords: Well the interviews got a little off track,

  • but I'd go with Simon Walker. Computer Science degree, worked for the Board of Ed for ten years.

  • Linetti: That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay Z three times in a row.

  • Holt: Why does that matter?

  • Linetti: Because whoever takes this IT job is gonna have to deal with Hitchcock asking how to log into his email

  • every single day forever. How do you think professor short fuse is going to handle that?

  • Jeffords: Fine. What about this guy?

  • No, he was scared of everything. Do you remember Rosa's reaction last time the printer jammed?

  • Diaz: I'll pay for that.

  • Jeffords: Okay Stella, alright. No, no, no, no problem.

  • Okay all right. Bye.

  • Damn, my babysitter's busy the night of Boyle's wedding.

  • She's gonna be at her high school

  • talent show. Which she's gonna lose unless her talent is leaving potato chip crumbs all over Terry's couch.

  • Diaz: Wait, Boyle set a date already?

  • Jeffords: Yeah, he gave up save-the-dates yesterday.

  • He didn't give you one?

  • Diaz: I think he's been avoiding me.

  • Hey

  • Boyle: Oh, I hate pizza!

  • Diaz: He didn't invite me to his wedding, and he's scared like a little bitch.

  • Jeffords: Well, maybe Vivian was uncomfortable with you coming.

  • Look, Boyle was in love with you until a few weeks ago.

  • Oh, don't be angry.

  • Diaz: I'm not angry. I think it's funny.

  • Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  • Officer Deetmore.

  • I came down here to say I'm sorry.

  • Deetmore: Oh good. Go ahead.

  • Diaz: No. That was it. I did it. I said "I'm sorry."

  • Hey, I said it again. Now I got one in the bank so I can do whatever I want to you.

  • Deetmore: What are you even sorry for?

  • Diaz: Come on, man. I said the words,

  • I paused afterwards, I even averted my gaze to make you feel like the Alpha.

  • Deetmore: Yeah, but you didn't mean it.

  • I'd like you to apologize like you mean it.

  • Diaz: Fine.

  • I'm sorry you screwed up my case.

  • I'm sorry you're a terrible cop. I'm sorry for your goat face and your rodent brain and your weird goose body.

  • I meant all of that. I hope you feel better.

  • Peralta.

  • What the hell? Where were you? I got eliminated.

  • Excuse me officer.

  • Officer: Yes, sweetheart.

  • Diaz: Sweetheart?

  • Seriously Hank? Is how you talk to women who come in here?

  • Officer: Jimmy jabs.

  • Diaz: I didn't even make it past one person.

  • Jeffords: All right, Gina. We have to act soon. That cold medicine Diaz chugged

  • it was the non-drowsy kind. She's all over the place.

  • Diaz: Hey guess what? I got a new lead to ask my perp about. There's a drug dealer on State Street. Woah! Why doesn't someone answer that phone? I will get it, I will get it.

  • Hello. No, there's no Michael here. You have the wrong number. Goodbye.

  • Hitchcock: I'm Michael.

  • Diaz: That's a dumb name,

  • but it's yours, and you should be proud of it because you are the greatest detective I've ever known.

  • Hitchcock: No doy, Diaz, no doy.

  • Diaz: Where is my file?

  • Jeffords: She's so hopped up on that stuff her brain's gonna blow. I'm gonna interrogate the perp. You keep Diaz occupied.

  • Linetti: I don't want to get near her germ face.

  • Permission to lock her in a distant room?

  • Jeffords: No, just distract her.

  • Linetti: Yes, that is what I will do.

  • Rosa, come here.

  • Gotta tell you something, it's a secret.

  • Diaz: Okay, but I have a lot of stuff to do.

  • Let me out of here I gotta talk to my perp!

  • Jeffords: Everything okay with Diaz?

  • Linetti: Yeah, she fell asleep five minutes after I locked her in, and she hasn't moved in the past ten hours.

  • She talks in her sleep.

  • Diaz: I'm gonna rip your head off. I'm gonna rip your damn head off grandma.

  • Linetti: Oh Ter-bear, what if she sleeps forever?

  • Oh look, it's Rosa! You look great, girl. I gotta get out of here bye.

  • Diaz: Better not run because I will catch you after I'm done crushing that perp you are next.

  • Jeffords: I already interrogated the perp for you. Diaz: You what?

  • Jeffords: I got him to name his Giggle Pig supplier. It's all good.

  • Now go home and get better. Diaz: I could have done it myself.

  • Jeffords: No, you couldn't have. You literally have been in a coma since yesterday.

  • Now I know you like to act like you don't need any help,

  • but we all do. Look, I ask five dudes to spot me when I'm doing my squats.

  • Linetti: Terry paid me $20 to lock you up. Jeffords: No I did not.

  • Linetti: But I took that cheddar, and I made you this special

  • "Rosa's gonna make this cold her bitch" care package.

  • Jeffords: Now's the time where you say 'thank you for all your help.'

  • Diaz: Thank you for all your help.

  • Jeffords: Hey, is that a smile I see? Diaz: Possibly.

  • My immune system is too weak to fight off my smile muscles.

  • Officer: That's a P-U-W, or a portable ultrasonic weapon.

  • It emits a focused beam of sound which can disorient and even incapacitate a perp.

  • Diaz: So it shoots sound? Is this the trigger?

  • Officer: Yes, but you want to be careful with that.

  • Diaz: I thought it would be louder.

  • Officer: It's highly directional. If it were pointed at you you'd be in incredible pain right now.

  • Boyle: Why is this happening? I can taste my thoughts!

  • Jeffords: Enough, Diaz.

  • Diaz: Pretty cool.

  • I've only had our look for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him

  • I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

  • Linetti: Very violent eulogy, I like it.

  • Peralta: Just let those guys continue to terrorize Brooklyn until I built up the nerve to ask out a girl.

  • Diaz: You're a good cop. Do not beat yourself up about that.

  • Peralta: I'm not a good cop.

  • I'm an amazing cop,

  • and I'll never forgive myself. The case is over, Amy and majors are on their way to the keychain right now.

  • It's too late.

  • Diaz: Has she done the double tuck yet?

  • When Amy really likes a guy she gets nervous and tucks her hair behind both ears at the same time.

  • Peralta:Well I can never unsee that, but no she has not done that yet.

  • Diaz: Then there's still time. Get in there and bust up her date.

  • Show her you care, ruin her night. Peralta: You really have a unique take on love.

  • Diaz: Hey, Deetmore.

  • I'm sorry for making fun of you in front of everybody.

  • And also for making fun of you behind your back.

  • Deetmore: Didn't know you did that, but thank you for the apology.

  • Diaz: I'm not done. Also

  • I'm sorry for making fun of you during my book club, those people don't even know you that was uncool. Also, I'm sorry I-

  • Deemore: It's okay. I get it. Diaz: No.

  • Also, I'm sorry that I didn't take the time to show you how to fix your mistake.

  • Come on, we can go over it upstairs. Deetmore: Thanks that'd be great.

  • Diaz: Oh, one more sorry. You're about to see a drawing I did of you and the elevator. Just remember:

  • I was really pissed at you at the time.

  • Jeffords: Diaz, look what I found in Hitchcock and Scully's trashcan. Ice cream spoon.

  • Diaz: Son of a bitch!

  • You Hungry Hungry Hippos ate my ice cream. Why was this in your trash?

  • Jeffords: And who throws away a spoon?

  • It's the easiest utensil to clean.

  • Scully: I don't even think it's ice cream. It's probably medicine.

  • You know I'm on lots of medicines Rosa. I'm sick all over.

  • Jeffords: This is ice cream, and I'm gonna prove it. Diaz: Sarge no, It's been in their mouths.

  • Jeffords: What am I doing?

  • Hitchcock: Well I guess your little investigation has hit a dead end.

  • Diaz: I'll be back.

  • Don't move.

  • Scully: Not a problem, I hate moving.

  • Jeffords: Let it go. Let it go.

Diaz: Well I have plans on Saturday too, I'm having dinner with my parents.